Its the wost wonderful tiiiiime, of the year!!!!

What seems like many years ago, this time of year was the best!
Spring was here, Summer was coming, school was ending, and more importantly hockey playoffs were starting! Being a devoted Maple Leafs fan, it was also exciting because Toronto would have just added some overpaid free agent that we couldn't wait to see with them win the cup for us.. Brian Leetch, Doug Gilmour Rd 2, or Phil Housley just to name a few (Even just remember us adding Housley still makes me laugh.. He had the least amount of impact ever... ever..).. It was a great time to be 22 years old and at University..

Although Exams got in the way, your only job was to study for 4 or 5 exams, and the rest was spent watching hockey, talking hockey, chirping others about their picks in fantasy hockey playoff pools. Meanwhile, Girls were slowly shedding their outer-wear for more revealing items, and also deciding to walk, stroll, run or rollerblade in front of our porch at school! Oh, what a time to be alive! When the weather changes for the better, sometimes the simplest thing is cause to party.. "Hey, the suns out, Let's get f-ed!" When free of Life's responsibilites, its much easier to get away with this lifestyle.. I guess thats why unemployment does have some appeals..

Flash foward 5 years later, and so much has changed.. Maple Leafs are resigned to the role of spoiler (although playing better than most projections), we no longer add A-list free agents but add guys I've never heard of.. and I have a hard time getting pumped up for Hockey.. Gone are the days where I can count on cheering rabidly against my loser Ottawa friends during the Battle of Ontario, and the Leafs winning! Despite anything that happened during the regular season.. It was truly amazing.. But like most of the fans, we know our role, and are pretty much used to the disappointment by now.. Its amazing what a couple years out of the playoffs with do.

Don't get me wrong, the weather changing still is cause to party.. Until Global Warming alters the weather and it no longer gets warm ever, I'm still going to say things like, "Hey the suns out, Let's get F-ed" or "Whats wrong with you, I don't care its a tuesday, Lets get f-ed", so that side of things hasn't changed.. But the events surrounding the partying have changed. Blue Jays home openers have replaced the weeknight Leaf playoff games. But its a totally different dynamic, because there is no drama in Baseball until the fall.. Well, unless someone in your group is trying the 9 dogs and 9 beers in 9 innings and you're waiting with bated breath until the moment where they are literally full, and they puke over some poor family sitting nearby.

Plus the fact that we all work and are responsible for things these days, it does have a very different feel.. Its not a bad thing.. but its not the same..

So I can't help but feel a little worried for my Habs fan friends. At the start of the season hopes were very high.. Finishing 1st in the East last year, and a great playoff run, you couldn't help but feel this season might be their year.. And now, they're fighting for a playoff spot.. As "Dave" commented, Playoffs are not the same without the Habs... You're right, welcome to our world.. I find myself pulling for the Habs in way, because I did get behind them last year, and it was exciting.. Yeah, I could cheer for Vancouver, or the Flames, but i really don't know any fans.. Thank God Ottawa is worse than Toronto, which for sure is a victory in itself for Leaf Fans..
So my hopes of even slightly being excited for playoff hockey rests on the slumping Habs.. Goalie issues, coaching issues, booing crowds.. It could be a perfect recipe for an amazing playoff run, but it could just as easily spell for missing the whole big show..

The time of year is still great, but cheering for your favourite hockey team in the playoffs, when the weather is great, you're excited for summer, and everything else thats great (patios, cottages, tuesday nights at Big Bucks), there is no better time!! I'm convinced, it was easily some of the happiest moments of my life..

So for you Habs fans out there, I'll hope for the best.. And continue to bet against the Habs with Grimes

Tonner
First time Blogger, Long time Reader, Big time awesomer

Are We Done?

That seems to be the question on everyone's mind, and by everyone i mean no one. Well if i had to guess....i would say no, at least not me. Kitzy often gets extremely jazzed up on a pet project, and then owns it for a while, then finds something new to get pumped about. I admire it because it means he is an enthuisiastic young go getter who is passionate about many different things, but at the same time i feel like it's left me alone in the duties of maintaining this blog. I will attempt to keep it going though.

So what to write about then? Well it's certainly been a long while since we've posted, since Nicaragua which was a few weeks now, so let's just see what the world has been up to since then, shall we?

By the world i mean the small and pathetic world that exists in the miniscule bubble around my life, but there have been alot of recent changes. For example are you all aware that the magical household of Favre, Maxfield, Pearson, and Galloway has finally broken up? Sad but true. Julien and Anna have already taken residence in a new apartment up Bloor and Bathurst way and i've heard but not seen, that it's a nice little love nest. So what about Pearson then? Well he's already put first and last down on a fancy little condo with his own gal pal Boozan Davis around King and Spadina. So that just leaves Winnie The Stu. Well he lowballed his way into a condo in the Citiplace complex. I'm sure you're all enthralled and enraptured by these recent developments.

So what's new in my life then? Well it's been a pretty simple existence the past few weeks. My mood has fluctuated greatly, mostly because of the play of the Montreal Canadiens. They've shoved a dagger in my back and a few times a week they twist it back and forth. What was looking like a promising centennial season has slowly turned into a potential disaster. At the point of this writing my beloved Habitants (or the Hawt and Sweaty's as my old pal Peter Drinkwater calls them) sit only 2 points up on the Florida Panthers for the 8th and final spot in the Eastern Conference. With 9 games remaining, they have a pretty favorable schedule but at the same time they have been losing to teams they should be beating, especially ones that are out of the playoffs and relishing their new roles as spoilers. Rest assured if the worst happens (which i don't believe it will because i'm an optimist at heart, and my boys will make it) then you will see the light fade out of my eyes and i will become a listless creature who exists solely to complete daily tasks such as sleep, eat, breathe and possibly masturbate.

However there is one thing that has brought a lot of recent joy to my life. That being the play of my men's league hockey team. We started off the season as we often do, falling to the bottom of the standings. It's a 6 team league, and for the most part we were in 6th or 5th until roughly the halfway mark of the season. Then we started playing inspired hockey, and slowly started to win games against tougher opponents. To finish the season we won 5 straight, beating every single team in our league in succession, and moving up the standings into 3rd place. Last night was our first playoff game, basically a must win game against the 5th place team who we had owned for the majority of the season. Sure it's just beer league hockey, but for anyone who still plays, they will understand that these games get intense and feisty. It was a 0-0 hard fought affair into the second period, when we went on a powerplay. We controlled the puck off the faceoff and fed it back to the point, i planted myself close to the net in an attempt to screen the goalie, slapshot from the point, and i managed to get my stick on it and deflected it into the corner of the net. BOOYAKA SHA! We added another one in the third, to which they responded, and then with under a minute to play and their goalie pulled, one of our defenseman lifted a full length of the ice wrister over their D and into the net. 3-1 victory! If we win our next game we're into the finals. To give you an idea of the hatred between our team and the one we played last night, here are some quotes from my mouth from the game.

"Go Fuck yourself!"

"Suck my dick asshole!"

"You guys are a bunch of diving pussies anyways!"

"Enjoy your time in the penalty box you stupid fuck!"

These were usually in response to someone calling me out. No i'm not a complete asshole, but this was just the way the game was last night, those who play will understand.

Here are some other juicy little tidbits of information from the people surrounding me.

-Derek Mumford recently completed his first stint in Fort McMurray, he was forced to stay an extra couple of days which did not sit well. However it appears that despite Mike Denby's and my own predictions, the job is working out just fine and The Comfort is going to be able to stick it out for the long haul.

-Andrew Wade, who you may remember was a runner up for the MVP award in Nicaragua, dominated St. Patrick's day and made just about everyone's day. I showed up at 5, and learned that Andrew had been shotgunning beers by himself since 1 p.m.. And it showed. Slurring, stumbling, laughing, he was at his finest. Somehow everyone in the bar knew him, and it was packed. Evidence of this was when an older couple was buying me a couple pints, and the wife asked who the other pint was for. I responded, "my friend Andrew", and pointed him out. She said, "oh Andrew!? He's a little prick!"

-Julien Favre and Colin Pearson will slowly disappear over the following months. They are writing their third and final CFA test in early June, which means that their weekends and evenings will now be focused upon studying. They both suck.

-I recently talked to Dillon Casey in L.A., he fired his manager and agent, with good cause. He has found replacements and i'm told as a result his auditions have increased. I feel it's only a matter of time before people will be saying, "there's no way you actually know Dillon Casey, he's a huge star and you're a huge douchebag!"

-As the weather steadily progresses, you can feel the excitement in the air from all last summer's frequent park soccer players. Another month or so ladies and gents and the games will start up again.

-Make Your Exit, your favorite band and mine, recently destroyed all 3 shows they played over Canadian Music Week. They are currently all up at a member's cottage for the week, practicing, writing new songs, bonding (Boner Jam '09 for sure), boozing, and creating. We are all anxious for their next show. And they are anxious to tell us about it by sending out 8 billion facebook invites.

Well that's it for now. I'll try and keep on this blog as often as possible, and write something more exciting or stupid next time. I hope that the few of you who read this, will still come back to us despite our recent struggles.

-Eric William Grimes

The Chronicles of Grimes Part IV Volume I

Ok so normally these are just emails i send to my friends after i take a vacation, but i figured why not throw it on the blog aswell. It's basically just a trip synopsis with as much boring shit as i could think of thrown out, and only the hilights thrown in. Enjoy....you probalby won't!

Will these things ever stop? I mean seriously enough already right? We get it, i like to take vacations and then write about them in a synopsis form, with 90% of the people receiving them sending them straight to their junk mail folder. I mean maybe i should just be posting them on the blog now so people at least have the choice? Nope....sorry....no dice, so without further ado, here's the first and only Volume of Part IV of my beloved Chronicles. This one takes place in beautiful Nicaragua and is entitled: Gringaragua.

So Saturday morning was especially delightful, seeing as how none of us are the brightest bulbs in the socket, we all found a way to avoid going to sleep til the early hours of the morning Friday night, for myself it was a 2:30 a.m. bedtime followed by a 5a.m. wake up. Hilight of that morning had to be pounding on Mike's door and repeatedly calling him until we eventually called Palmer to wake him up. Our flights went off without a hitch and we arrived at the Managuan airport on time and picked up our two white pickup trucks. Even though we had a perfectly good set of directions from the house owner, we made the educated decision to follow the truck rental guy's "map" that he drew on a piece of paper. So after we'd driven the wrong way for about 20 or 30 kilometres and backtracked, we decided that maybe it would be a good idea to follow the directions we were given by the guy who owns the house. Our rental house was next to a little fishing town called Gigante in a gated community and if you think that shit is easy to find then you're dead wrong. But after maneuvering dirt roads and picking familiar words of Spanish from directoins from local Nicas we somehow made it. And to our delight, so had Sackville, he had flown down a couple days early and was already chilling waiting on our arrival. The house was even better than we hoped, everyone had their own bed, i took the master bedroom which had a walk in closet and private bathroom (otherwise known as the bathroom where everyone decided to jerk off......sweet?) the infiniti pool was pretty sweet and just the right temp, the view was boner inducing, and the DVD selection was weird. (Rom com's or random movies you'd heard of but never even considered watching)

Now don't worry i'll get to the good stuff, that's just the introduction alright, so calm down. Intro's are always boring, you gotta set the scene and the mood. Now i'm not going to go into a day by day description of what went down, cause truthfully it wouldn't be possible, everything has kind of melted into itself and all that's left is a few broken memories and hilights so i'll do my best to pass those on.

So last year after Costa Rica we chose a trip MVP. Someone who just kind of owned it the whole time. Last year was Mumford....not too sure how that happened but it did. From the get go this year it was pretty obvious it was going to be one of two people. Andrew "Tandrew" Wade and Colin "Main Road Left" Pearson would battle for the crown each and every night. One of them would take what we would estimate to be an insurmountable lead, and then the other would come roaring right back. Both their successes were tied directly into 60 ounce bottles of Flor De Cana Rum. We purchased many of said bottles. Andrew was the driving force with the rum, and as he mentioned afterwards "i don't even like rum!" Champion indeed. He would actually chug it. Put that sweet goodness up to his lips and hold it there chugging for 4,5,6...even 7 big pulls at a time. Then pull the bottle back, shudder a bit, then inevitably utter the words, "Colin.....you're up." Colin rarely backed down. So basically we were surfing all day, and getting shitcranked every night for the first few days, then Colin decided to step it up.

One day in particular, maybe a few days in, Colin managed to get mangled beyond belief. To be honest we all were, but Colin was at a different level. Eventually he was lying in the hammock, barely capable of speaking, and all he was doing was laughing. And his laughing.....would make us laugh....which would make him laugh harder....which would make us laugh harder. Eventually we were in hysterics. So that's all well and good right? Bring on Julien Favre. Julien comes out all rip roaring wasted and there's Pearson a step away from a coma giggling it up in the hammock. Favre shittalks him a little, Pearson responds with something along the lines of, "hahahahah fukufavupusssy hhahhaahahha!" So Favre starts swinging Pearson in the hammock. Back and forth, higher and higher. Now i gotta say as much as i plead innocence in the following preceedings, you could see disaster coming....we all could....it was pretty obvoius what was going to happen....so again i'll be honest in saying that even though none of us were physically swinging old Queerson....none of us were about to stop it! So the swinging gets higher, and Pearson keeps shittalking Favre and laughing, in turn making the rest of us laugh, in turn egging on Julien. Julien then decided to throw a new element into the game, he swings Pearson real high up, then throws devastating bodychecks at him as he comes back down. On maybe the 6th or 7th bodycheck, Favre really nailed him up and lifted up, Pearson flew clean out of the hammock, soared through the air, landed on his head/back of his neck with his body slamming down onto the deck afterwards. Pearson's response.....laughter. Well that was it for me and everyone who witnessed. I died. I was on the ground, hands and knees, laughing harder than i could ever possibly remember. Tears pouring out of my eyes, trying to make the mental image go away so i could breathe again. Incredible. To make matters worse about 20 minutes later Pearson was being swung back and forth again, with his weight far too much on one side, the hammock flipped, and he landed face down with his arms trapped underneath his body. Once again we obviously lost it. Soon after Beerson passed out in the hammock naked and we all went to bed. The next morning we were delighted to see he had passed out on the couch buck naked with his legs spread and one hand covering his package while the pool boy was cleaning the pool right outside the giant windows by the couch.

So how could Andrew possibly top that performance? Well you be the judge. Our very last night there was a big party in Gigante which was the little surfing town next to our gated community. We headed down, drank some big bottles of delicious Tona beer, and then watched this little tradition they have in town. Which was that they take a live vulture, and string it up by the legs on a rope that stretches across a street, so the vulture is dangling down. Then a bunch of cabelleros (guys on horses) take turns riding underneath the rope, grabbing the vulture by the neck, and attempting to rip it's head off. The winner is the guy who rips the head off, and manages to hold on to it. No this is not a joke. It takes a long time and alot of tries to rip a vulture's head off by the way. Anyways i digress, back to Andrew. Well he got flat out smashed that night. There was a big dance party with a DJ and everything in the center of town, Andrew started dancing with a local Nica girl, made out with her a bit, then her mom came over, started dancing with them, then her mom stopped, made andrew hold the girl's hand and stand next to her, then stood there and said a bunch of words in Spanish. We're fairly certain Andrew now has a Nicaraguan wife. Despite being drunk as fuck I then witnessed Andrew shotgun a couple more beers back to back. Then he bought another giant Tona beer. Eventually it was time to leave, i found Andrew and started to lead him in the direction of our trucks, unfortunatley one of the giant pigs that lives in town decided to not be asleep, "OH MY GOD A PIG! AHAHAHAHAHA!" Andrew takes off running after the poor pig who squeals and starts running for it's life. The chase didnt' last long, pigs are fast. Then we had to find the rest of the guys. I lost Andrew again. Found him somewhat passed out in the doorway to an abandoned house. Took him to the trucks, then we spent the drive back to our place trying to keep him from jumping into the front seat and convincing him he wasn't alright to drive. He woke up the next morning and peed in the pool from the top balcony while a few of us were swimming in it.

So i would call it a draw in terms of trip MVP. Let's see what else....well now seems like a good time to throw out a couple random quotes that in my mind completley sum up the trip.

Stu: "I needed to take a shit so i had 4 smokes and a coffee."

Derek: "Did somebody pee on my hat?"

Believe it or not, and i'm sure most of you won't seeing as how you know us, but we actually managed to make some friends. Despite the fact that Gigante is a small fishing village, it has great surf in and around the area, and Nicaragua is slowly, quietly, starting to turn into a surfing hub as people continue to search for the perfect uncrowded wave. So gringos aka white people, are around, just not in full force yet. We met a few girls in town, namely, Chanel, Cassidy, and India. Chanel ran her own little restaurant as well as some real estate in the area, and Cassidy and India ran a surf camp. They were hot. So we hung out with them a bit and told them about the house, and they said we should have a party one night, so we said sure. Friday night....it's on. The plan was for them to show up around 3 or 4, they were going to bring pizza and beer, and we were going to have a bunch of beer, and a lot of rum and supplies to make Blended Dinks (yes i put Dinks on purpose). So we were all there at the house with an air of expectation at 3 drinking and chilling in the pool. Then 4. Oops now it's 5....they must just be running late. 6......7......someone run into town and see if they're there and buy more beer. They're not coming....this is a cruel gringo joke. Finally around 8 the floodgates open. They arrive, with many a person in tow. THE PARTY GOES OFF!! Colin becomes known as "naked guy" fairly early on. There's naked guys and girls in the pool. There's a pinata we bought of winnie the pooh being bashed to shreds and sodomized with a broom handle. Sackville jumps off the balcony into the pool supplexing (spelling?) the pinata in the process. I walk into my bedroom to a girl wearing only a bikini top saying "no bottoms NO BOTTOMS!" SORRRRAAAAAAYYYYY!! There's a bunch of girls in bikinis dancing and grinding with each other. Sackville tries to dance on a cooler of beer and slices his foot wide open and immediately has 5 wannabe doctors telling him different things he needs to do while i mop up the blood all over the floor. At one point a guy got thrown in the pool with his cellphone. He was so wasted, and so pissed off. So he pushed the guy who pushed him in, who fell on the patio and bounced into the stairs going into the pool. It was awesome. I'm sure many other things happened that night, but who the fuck can remember. All i know is the house was an absolute disaster the next morning, but it was well worth it. Oh and the next morning a random dude was lying on our couch, apparenlty he'd passed out in the forest next to our house then wandered in. He and Denby were on the two couches. The guy had no idea where his sandals, his shirt, his hat, or his cell phone were. We're also fairly certain he and Denby hooked up. So he became known as "the guy Denby fucked".

I think i've pretty much covered the basics now, so i'll throw in a couple random things. One night Colin ashed on the hammock and burned a huge hole in it. Stu invited our hot Nica maids to the party.....they didn't show. At one point during the party i saw Sackville throw a perfectly good knife into the forest for no apparent reason....we're defintely not getting our security deposit back. Stu was a professional long boarder for one day, exact quote, Me: "Man look at that sick longboarder!" Andrew: "uhh.....that's Stu!" We are not good surfers, but we must be entertaining to watch because of the sheer volume of massive bails we take. Me Andrew and Mumf simultaneously crashed on a massive wave at one point, my board went across Mummy's back, i struggled to get back to the surface, it was scary. We did not see any sharks, whales, or dolphins. We did see insanely large grasshoppers, spiders, praying mantis', and scorpions. A monkey on a leash got tangled in Pearson's shirt, then Denby's soon after. It was hilarious. My 3 months of spanish lessons did not pay off. Mumford is good at building bongs....but worries too much. The Habs won 4 games straight while i was gone. We met a guy who claimed that his wife was the VJ Annie from Musique Plus in Quebec and that he paid for her tits that cost him $10,000 bucks. He also said he owned 17 pitbulls, one of which was named Oden and had beaten both Michael Vick's best pitbull, as well as DMX's. He also claimed to be a professional fisherman that was sponsored. One of the girls we were friends with we were informed had the unforunate nickname, "50 Pound Pussy". No we didn't make it up. Once we claimed our baggage, Mumford had exactly 12 hours before he had to get on a plane to Calgary, to start his new job, which is 2 weeks on, two weeks off, fly in, fly out, of Fort McMurray. Starting yesterday he will be working 12 hour days, 14 days straight.

Nica's are the friendliest people you could ever meet. The locals love it when you wave to them from your truck because gringos with surfboards tailing out the backs of their trucks are still not a common sight just yet. They will always give you a big smile and a wave back. The local surfers are also insanely friendly, they will paddle over to talk to you and practice their English. It appears to be an extremely poor country, which in a sense it is, but the Nica's also are very happy friendly people, and they have alot of time to chill out and hang with each other. As you drive through little barrios you will see them sitting outside their houses chatting with friends or just relaxing. Their clothes are always bright and super clean, comparatively, we all looked like slobs! Their is livestock EVERYWHERE! It's hilarious cause you wonder how they keep track of who owns what. There will be a herd of cows walking on the beach with nobody in site watching them. Horses, pigs, chicken, cats, dogs all over the place just going where they please. It's amazing how quickly you get used to having to honk and nudge your truck through a herd of cattle.

So in closing....basically i had an amazing time. I needed to feed my soul and mission accomplished. Now work will steadily drain the life out of me until i can find a way to escape again, but for now i can live off the memories for at least a little while longer, and pray for the coming summer. Sorry if it's long, but after the Chronicles from England, Australia, and Euro Trip, you must be used to it by now. Hope all is well and good in everyone's life, i through up a pile of photos on Facebook, but for those who don't have me as a friend (good call), here's a few of the better ones.

eric

P.S. remember how long this list of P.S.'s used to get?
P.P.S. remember!?
P.P.P.S. Ok i got nothing, LATES!

The Return of Erique Grimez: El Toro Loco

Yeah i know, i've been half assing the blog all week, not that anyone's reading it but the story isn't done, plus i've put up one lame ass post about us potentially being killed on vacation. Brutal i know. But oh yeah, i really don't give a fuck, cause the work week's finishing up, so all i gotta do is pack and maybe buy a pair of 5 dollar sunglasses and some SPF 4000 sunscreen so i don't char in the sun, and then it's on.

Erique "El Toro Loco" Grimez, and Micante "Jalapeno" Denbasquez, as well as their 6 other equally homoerotic pals will be leaving tomorrow at 8:25 a.m. and flying to El Salvador aboard an airline that no one has really heard of before and i'm still questioning whether it actually exists. Put it this way, when we booked the flights, you had the option of sitting in smoking or non-smoking.....hasn't smoking been illegal on airplanes since the internet was invented? I digress. Then we hop on another plane and it's a quick jump over to Managua, the capital of Nicaragua. From there.....well your guess is as good as mine, we got a couple trucks waiting for us, maybe we'll find them. Maybe we'll make it to the house. Maybe we'll surf. Either way it's going to rule. Unlike this blog post which sucks, but i've checked out so i really don't care. For the next week, if you talk to me, call me by my real name....my latin name....Erique Grimez.....El Toro Loco.

Peace out.

Nicaraguan Nightmare?

Taken from The Government of Canada's Travel Advisory Page:

Canadian visitors should exercise a high degree of caution due to a gradual increase in the use of armed violence.

Municipal elections took place across the country on November 9, 2008. As a result of contested results, some violent demonstrations have taken place in various municipalities in Nicaragua, and more are possible in the coming days. Deaths have been reported in Managua as a result of demonstrations. Canadians are advised to avoid all crowds and demonstrations and to stay away from areas where they could occur, as they might turn violent without warning.

Hmmmm......interesting indeed. Before I organized and eventually booked this trip, i did a small amount of research on the safety and stability in the country of Nicaragua. Repeatedly the same quote came up over and over. "If you google "safest country in Central America" you will soon learn that Nicaragua boasts the lowest crime rate of any Central American country!" I did google....and i did get the results that the quote boasts of. I suppose that was pre election however. The Travel Advisory goes on to warn of driving at night due to the possibility of robbery, and also recommends travelling in a convoy of at least two vehicles. So that is a positive sign seeing as how our two travel days will both be during daylight hours, and we are 8 strapping young men in 2 badass pickup trucks.

Either way with approximately 69 hours until take off (69!), i'd say there is really not much we can do about it now besides cancelling the whole trip, which is obviously not an option, my soul is feeling depleted, and needs to be fed. Am i worried? To be honest not really. Because it seems like there is always some sort of travel advisory for any given country. I mean when the boys and I did our little trip through Mexico a few years back, there were warnings up the ying yang. And what sort of menaces did we encounter? Well besides some stolen articles of clothing one night, a few pointing and laughing at the pasty gringo moments, and a couple sketchy sicknesses....not a damn thing!

We are going to be staying in a gated community with security guards, which is located right next to a small peaceful fishing village on the beach. We are all nice, peaceful, friendly Canadian boys with an urge to do one thing and one thing only. Gnar with old Big Blue in the freshy and hopefully catch a glimpse of the green room even if it's for one fleeting second. Truly if there is such a thing as karma, then we're going to be just fine. Although if anything bad happens, i think i speak for everyone when i say....let's hope it happens to Mumford.

I think it's in our nature to be afraid of the unknown, however i know that myself aswell as all the boys have had our fair share of sketchy moments within our short time thus far on the planet. More often than not, the result is a positive experience and reinstills a faith in mankind. I've hitchhiked up the Australian coast with several different characters, including one with a gun in his trunk who warned us of the dangers of hitchhiking especially if it looks like you're driving down an ominous road....while we were driving down one at the time. He took us all the way into town and even gave us beers along the way. I've spent 8 hours on a fishing boat with 2 Thai's, a father and son, who spoke about 10 words of English between them. They took pictures of me with the fish i caught. I've camped on a beach in Mexico along the Pacific ocean with my friends in an unknown town behind an unknown house. The owner of the house turned on his outside lights to help us see a little bit better after the sun went down.

So what i'm trying to say is that as much bad shit as there is in this world, people can be overwhelmingly good and usually are. This is why i refuse to allow myself to freak out over a travel advisory, because i know that we will be just fine. For those who haven't seen the house we rented and want to take a gander, here is the website, i think it will make you see why those 69 hours (69!) couldn't go by fast enough.

http://www.beachsideparadise.com/

What Would You Do? Part III

I’d say it all started when I was 15. Or maybe not, but at least that’s when I took notice of it. Who really knows though, cause when you’re a teenager you’re pretty much wrapped up in your own existence and sometimes fail to notice the goings on around you. Hell maybe if I’d stayed prepubescent my whole life everything would be fine and dandy. It could be that I release a pheromone that attracts death to human beings, I really don’t have a fuckin’ clue, excuse my language. I didn’t know at the time what it meant, but that was the first incident I can remember. Anyways a few of my friends and I had taken the bus to the mall to hang out after school. I got off, and started heading in the direction of the mall daydreaming about naked girls and sports heroics, when I was snapped to attention by the unmistakeable screech and crunch of metal on metal.

Whipping my head around I took in the gruesome scene. Although I didn’t see it, it appeared that the bus had somehow veered into oncoming traffic for whatever reason. Witness accounts later chalked it up to a seizure by the bus driver, who for the record was not a noted epileptic. No one riding the bus that day was injured, although I’m sure there were several post traumatic stress disorders and a few Valium prescriptions handed out. The bus had collided with an oncoming car containing two passengers. Both had been wearing their seatbelts, and it was tough to see their condition from my vantage point due to the distance I had been from the crash, as well as the smashed up windshield. However from the degree that the front end of their car (type unknown, I’ve never really been one for details) had crumpled inwards it would be a stretch to imagine either would survive. I would learn the next day that neither had.

Ok so what….so I saw a car accident….big deal. I’m sure most people within their life spans will witness an accident, perhaps not something fatal, but an accident nonetheless. Well as I mentioned earlier, when you see more accidents than you can remember, then it starts to become an issue. I’ve seen an accomplished surfer struggle in what was supposed to be a weak rip tide, and drown. I’ve seen two people simultaneously hit by cars because traffic lights in all directions were green, while the pedestrian walk signs were also lit up. Still not convinced? Maybe I could tell you about the party where the banister collapsed sending three people falling to the floor below. Although that one was a blessing since one managed to survive. Ever seen the damage a boat propeller can do? I’ll spare you the details.

Awesome

Norm's last appearance on Late Night with Conan O'Brien.

And then Part 2:

From The Headlines

Baby-Faced Man Has Baby

Courtesy of the Associated Press

Eric Grimes, pictured, welcomed his son Bertrund into the world yesterday, but not before a long argument with hospital administrators who didn't believe Grimes, 31, was actually the father.

"We thought he was the baby's brother, maybe, but certainly not the father. I mean, he looks 13." Sandy Donaldson, Chief of Staff and Toronto Mercy Hospital explained. "I don't think his voice has even broken. I don't know much about men, but I know he isn't one."

The doctors in obstetrics were also unconvinced that Grimes, a structural engineer, could possibly be the father of the 9 lb. newborn. "I treat kids every day, so I think I have a pretty good grasp on how old a kid looks and how old a kid is. In my professional opinion, Eric can't be over 14. Maybe 15, but even that's a stretch." Dr. Halladay said, visibly curious as to how Grimes was actually more than twice the age he looked. "Moreover, I just can't imagine him consummating his relationship with this woman. Like, is that even legal?"

But the day wasn't bogged down with confusion and mistaken ages for everyone. Mel Grimes, Eric's father was ecstatic. "I'm just happy he knocked up a girl" Grimes Sr. was overheard saying, shaking his head in amazement.

As for the mystery of how Eric stays looking so young, everyone has their own theories. "Maybe the fountain of youth?" suggests Colin Pearson, Grimes' assignment as Best Buddies.

"Wait, you mean he's not 14? I just assumed he came to the office on a Bring-Your-Kid-To-Work day and never left" Explained Hugh Clinton, a colleague of Grimes.

Whatever the answer, Eric seems jovial now. When reached for comment, Grimes, a giant grin on his face declared, "I happy!" before returning to his game of NHL '09.

What Would You Do? : Part II

Well if I had you interested up until now, maybe I lost you at that last paragraph denouement. Bear with me ok. Look I’m not one of those people who talks about having seen a ghost. “The drawer was closed when I went to bed and then I woke up and it was open!” Nope, that’s not me. I had my kids baptized but I’m not a religious fanatic either. I have never seen a U.F.O., and as of the telling of this story, I have never witnessed a miracle. So don’t lump me in with that motley crew. I’m just telling you what I know. What I know to be the truth. The evidence is their and speaks for itself. 5 or 10 could be considered a coincidence. 10 or 20 could be chalked up to having miserable luck. Upwards of 200….something ain’t right.

I’m pretty sure I could write a 12 step program for what I’ve got. Although that wouldn’t make much sense, because as far as I know there is no cure. Plus I’m pretty sure I’m the only one in the world who’s got it. So I wouldn’t make much money. Maybe I could charge a million dollars for it, and then write it off as a mental health expense! Sell one copy to myself and then I’d be sitting pretty! Ok there’s that tangential theme I warned you about, this isn’t really a laughing matter I suppose so I’ll try and stay the course. I had a myriad of stages, ignorance, denial, depression, a brief stint with alcoholism, both prescription and non-prescription drugs, a brief separation in my marriage, and finally….acceptance.

2 Bus crashes, 1 Train derailment, 7 fires, 4 boating accidents, 5 explosions, 1 Hot Air Balloon incident, and more car crashes than I could possibly keep track of. No plane crashes as of yet, thank god for that. That’s the short summary, of course there’s a hell of a lot more ways to wind up dead than what I just described, but never the less, that’s the abbreviated list.

I suppose now maybe you’re wondering how I possibly could have survived all those incidents? Wouldn’t that many harrowing experiences sour me on le joie de vivre? Well I wasn’t in any of them. Like I said, my life has been good, and it’s been good for those around me as well. Family, friends, loved ones. Well they all seem to be immune to the effects of my presence. No it’s the randoms that receive the brunt of my wrath. Perhaps this vague route I’m taking in telling my story is not the way to go. But have you ever tried to explain to someone an idea you’ve had, or a story that just sounded right in your head, but comes out sounding gargled and distracted from your mouth? Perhaps an example is what you need?

Survival Month

I was walking down the street with Eric Quincy Grimes yesterday after a scrumptious BK Whopper meal (followed by Toby's Wings for dinner. I think I may have caught diabetes...) and he pulled a little switcheroo as we came to the street corner. I was confused, and sensing as much, Eric explained, this way, you're between me and oncoming traffic, so if a car swerves onto the crosswalk it will tag you instead of me.

Good thinking Grimes!!  And it got my mind working as to how I would escape potentially fatal situations such as that one (a car veering towards me), so without further adieu, Part 1 of my survival list for potentially fatal situations that the average fellow might find himself in.

1) Avoiding an oncoming car while on foot

If you've been suckered by the ol' switcheroo (the oldest trick in the book) and find yourself walking on the traffic side of a crosswalk and a car swerves towards you, jump. Some people may say that if you have time to jump, you probably have time to get out of the way. Shut up. That's stupid. If there is a car heading straight for you, jump as high as you can and lift your knees to your chest. If the car does strike you, at worst it will hit your ankles, and without your body weight to anchor them to the ground, you'll just spin like a pin-wheel before slamming onto the cold, cold concrete. And sure that'll hurt. But you'll probably just have broken ankles (6-8 weeks of healing) instead of a severed spinal chord. Also, if the car doesn't hit you and you clear it, that would be fucking AWESOME!!!

2) Avoiding an oncoming car or truck while in a car

Remember this? Man, who doesn't!?? That's Kirsten's car getting slammed by a garbage truck in Episode 22 of The OC, "The Showdown," just seconds after she realizes she's becoming an alcoholic. 

This specific scene has been used many times in many different films - most notably in Adaptation and No Country For Old Men but also in those messed up "Holy Shi-" Volkswagon commercials. If this is happening to you, step on the gas!! You know the saying, "like a deer caught in the headlights"? You know what happens after the deer is caught in the headlights? It is literally caught and splattered all over the headlights. Don't be a deer. There is literally NO REASON IN THE WORLD that a family car needs enough pick-up to go from 0 to 60 in 3.4 seconds EXCEPT to avoid an oncoming garbage truck. Make use of this feature. Step on it.

3) Disarming terrorists if they attempt to seize the room you are in

A handy habit that you can easily implement in your day-to-day life is always count the number of people in a room. Remember that number. If there are less than 30, the statistically there are more than enough bullets in the average semi-automatic weapon to murder/death/kill every single person in the room. If this is the case, someone is going to need to man up. Terrorist "specialists" will say that when you are taken hostage, you should always cooperate and leave the negotiations to the professionals. Well that's convenient isn't it? Of course the guys who make their living negotiating are going to say you shouldn't do it - the last thing they need is more competition. Instead think of it this way, there are three kinds of people in this world: John McClanes [pictured], Harvey Ellis' [the coked up big business negotiator] and the pregnant woman. The pregnant woman lays low and hopes to survive. The Harvey Ellis believes he can charm their way out of any problem, usually only to discover he can't. John McClane's, however, are the ones that have movies made after them (based on the assumption that Die Hard is a true story). If someone storms into a room, you should always think to yourself, "now is my time to be John McClane."

And how do you do it? Throw a chair. Chairs are generally big enough to really put someone off balance if they're hit with hit, but light enough to be lifted and thrown hard. Always look for a chair in a room that you think, if push came to shove, you could throw hard at a person standing in a doorway. Always take the seat that gives you the most direct throw at the doorway without being in a line of fire. And always try to find someone larger (who looks a little slow) who will sit between you and the doorway. 

When an armed assailant enters the room, take stock, is he pointing his gun upwards? If so, throw your chair right away, and leap over your desk following it. The assailant will be preoccupied by the chair and momentarily caught off guard. Wrestle the gun from the person and shoot them. If they have already started shooting, their potential partners won't think anything of more gunfire. If he starts shooting straight forward and/or spraying bullets, get down and count the shots. When you hear about 30, they are likely out of bullets. NOW! Throw the chair! Bam, you're the hero, end of story.

Next Week: Escaping a collapsing crane, persevere through a tiger attack, surviving being poisoned.

What Would You Do? : Part I

Please read the posting below if you're confused about this posting.

What Would You Do?

Part I

I have yet to figure out the purpose of these words I’m currently writing (and maybe you’re reading). Not yet anyways. They could end up scrunched up in the garbage can, ashes in the fireplace, the first chapter of a memoir, or if I’m brave enough, a suicide note.

Now I know what you’re thinking. I’m pretty sure 99% of you probably jumped to the same conclusion. Hell after what I just wrote, it’s not much of a jump, more of a hop. But you would be wrong. I’m not unhappy. Quite the opposite actually.

Maybe I should introduce myself, I’m sorry if this seems a little scatterbrained, but I’m not much of a writer, I took a class once back in my early University years but it didn’t really take, I usually go off on tangents and find it hard to….ok wait sorry….here I go again…back to my introduction. My name is Ben Billings. I’m turning 44 on May 15th this year. I’m married to an amazing woman named Jennifer (yes Ben and Jen!) and our 18th anniversary is coming up in three weeks. We have two kids. Jason who’s 13, and Rachel who just turned 11. I work in the advertising industry and have a solid job that I’m not only quite good at, but fond of as well. I golf most weekends, play hockey in a beer league, and semi-regularly attend a book club most weeks if the novel in question captures my interest.

So that’s me in a nutshell I suppose. Doesn’t sound too awful does it? Well as I mentioned earlier, herein lies the problem. To this date, I am currently responsible for about 170 deaths. That’s a rough estimate with a margin of error of probably +/- 20. Sounds pretty flippant of me to throw numbers around like that when it comes to human lives doesn’t it? Well I’m not trying to seem insensitive, I just don’t know the exact number that’s all. Some may have been my fault, some may have just been a coincidence, and then of course I may have missed a few here and there. I mean I’ve taken my fair share of vacations with the family, and it’s not always easy to get a hold of a smalltown newspaper, although the internet has made it a little easier.

Sufficiently confused? I’d bet the farm that you are. No you’re not reading the confessions of a serial killer. No I’m not a pilot who somehow survived a horrific crash. If I had to be honest I’d say I don’t really have a bad bone in my body. Quite frankly what it comes down to, is that I’m a jinx.

Something New on the Chronicles of Gritz

Alright well we've never been much for conventional wisdom here at the Chronicles of Gritz. So i figured i might as well shake things up a bit and stop telling stupid stories from my past every damn day. So today i've decided to try a new type of posting. I'm currently writing another short story. Those who read the first one i wrote are probably thinking. "Oh god....not another one of those fucked up stories. I used the last one as toilet paper." Well i'm doing it anyways. I've written some of it already so i'm going to post an excerpt every working day that i can until it's done. Right now i don't think it's shaping up to be super long so i'd be amazed if it even lasted a week. Never the less i'm going to do it. The first posting will be above this. Hope you like it!

Awesome

Every Monday deserves something awesome, mostly because every Monday usually just screws you over instead. Like today, I went and had a delicious lunch with two upstanding young men: Eric Wendy Grimes and Colin Queerson Pearson. I saw them standing in line at the Taco Bell (note: those are awesome song lyrics - Make Your Exit, you can have them, but I want "special thanks to..." credit on the next album) so I sauntered on over, and unsure of what to get just said to the lady, "I'll have what he's having."

Well maybe Pearson's stomach has become bullet-proof from way too many extreme munchies over the years ("Pearson, do you really need to put Frank's Red Hot on pickles and ice cream?") but lordy day, has mine ever not. The #1 Meal went through me like a laser beam. #1 when I ordered it, #1 when it came out. I was screaming "AHHHHH!!" like Stallone running away from an exploding building. To quoth Grandma's Boy, "I have to pee." "Why don't you pee in the bushes?" "I have to pee out of my ass..." It was terrible. I did the penguin walk all the way from Blue Jays Way to my office holding me breath. 

But the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. So when I lost my dignity I was awarded this, the new redband trailer for Observe and Report, the blatant although clearly highly superior rip-off of beloved American icon Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Behold (warning, NSFW):

Montreal: A Tale of Heartache and Lust

So now that i've returned from the city of my ancestors, I feel you're all dying to know about the weekend that was. Did I find the girl of my dreams from the photos i posted? How close did the actual weekend resemble my prediction? Well sit back, grab a coffee, while I spin you a tale of a trip for the ages.

Friday:

Well we had a bit of a later start than we had hoped for. There was confusion amongst the participaters which resulted in myself Julien and my bro not getting out of Toronto until around 6, and heading to the airport to pick up Dave who was returning from his week away in California hobknobbing with rich folks. By the time the airport pickup was complete it was inching closer to 7 and the outlook for a night out in Montreal was looking bleak. I should have known better. Mark "Leadfoot" Grimes got us to Kingston in record time before passing the reins to his younger less accomplished brother (ME!). Feeling the heat of expectation and the energy from an A&W hamburger I pushed the envelope, and spoke softly to the steering wheel of our old Dodge Caravan. "Just you and me girl....we can do this....i love you so much." She didn't disappoint. To our delight we arrived in Montreal shortly after midnight, and slammed a couple of Red Caps back in the room before hitting the streets.

St. Laurent has changed, that much is true. I didn't recognize half the new bars or restaurants, but the old faithful was still there, Bifteck. We cruised upstairs, grabbed 4 beauty spots at the bar, eyed up the bartender who was a looker no doubt, and ordered up 4 jagerbombs and two pitchers. What's that? No redbull? But it's 5 shots for 15 bucks? Done, 5 shots of jager, I manned up and took the extra one. So we sat there amongst the young University kids, feeling our age for sure but having a hell of a time, when all of a sudden i had a 2 year psyche student all up in my grill. I wish i could say the rest of this story was R-rated. But i clearly must be getting old cause goddamn was she annoying. So wasted she couldn't even speak properly, and she spent the whole time just eyeing up my extra shot of Jager. Ummm.....HELL NO! Through that one back but she stuck around either way. With encouraging looks and gestures from my 3 compatriots i struck up some light conversation, which was clearly all she was capable of. But my heart was not in it. Probably wouldnt' have amounted to anything anyways. Random fact however is that she lived in 900 Sherbrooke, the very same building that old Ramy Rashad used to inhabitate! Soon we had some more pressing issues, Mark's stomach woes that had started the day before reared their ugly head and he had some violent vometing issues, not once but twice in the bathroom of Bifteck, and although i didn't see, from the sounds of it he coated most of that bathroom in upchuck. So we eventually took our leave and of course went straight to "La Belle Province" for some late night poutines that didn't disappoint, then passed out in our hotel suite. I snored.

Saturday:

We woke up feeling not too worse for wear. Lazed around the room a bit, showered and prettied ourselves up since we knew we wouldn't be returning til the early hours of the morning the next day. First stop...."Eggspectations" for breakfast/lunch/brunch. Why are french canadian girls so hot? After a good fill up of sustenance we headed to Peel Pub. Myself and Julien made the mistake of not properly checking the drinks menu before ordering a pitcher. It was a mistake we wouldn't make twice however, because we noticed bottles of Bud Lite were 2 bucks. Done and done. For the next 3.5 hours we watched afternoon hockey games on the oddly yellow projection screen in front of us, and downed bottle after bottle of Bud Lite. We even had an incredible cameo from one of my bro's best friends Bryan Vaughan and his lovely fiancee Sharene (spelling?). The place filled up, there were chants of Go Leafs Go, return chants of Go Habs Go, i got steadily drunker and booed every person in a Leafs Jersey thinking that it was just hilarious. I also met my future wife. I have a picture with her. She was doing promotions for Molson Ex, and she......well she.....she's my everything. I'm blowing that shit up to poster size and putting it on my wall.

GAMETIME! Paid our tab, and walked down to the holyland. I got a chill, not from the cold, but from seeing the Bell Centre lit up in all it's glory. Our seats were in the 200 level, the Desjardins Club, which means free coat check, and free food all game. Yes you walk up to the concession stands just like you normally would, but when it comes time to pay....you don't. Except beer....that's not free. So the game is blurry, but from the text messages i received from a few of you dickheads i'm sure you know what happened. 5-2 Leafs win. Devastating. Horrifying. Possibly night ruining? Fuck that, i come to Montreal for a game once a year, i love this city, i'll fight through the pain. I'm feeling a little tired, all that beer plus 2 slices of 'za, a hot dog and nachos will do that to ya.

Myself, Mark, and Julien leave the game without Dave, he's off with Vaughany celebrating the Leafs win on the streets with all the other obnoxious fucks. So what to do now? Easy.......rippers here we come! Straight to Wanda's, the home of the 8 dollar lap dance. We pay our 2 dollar cover and get some nice seats right in front of stage 2. Dave eventually shows up and joins us and we hunker down for some good old fashioned male entertainment. Now i'm not one of those people that consistently attends strip clubs. But once in a while in the company of your buddies, they're a damn good time. So we had some drinks and watched the entertainment which was great. Julien had left to go to the bathroom at one point and i remarked to Mark and Dave when he hadn't returned for a while, "is Ju actually taking a shit at a strip club?" Nope....turns out he was buying me my first lap dance ever. Yup....never had one....something stupid i brag about similar to never running a marathon and never having had a Starbucks coffee. 2 out of 3 are still intact. It's a little strange having a girl dance buck naked just for you, when there are several people all around you watching both her, and your reaction to her. That being said.....thankyou Julien.....thankyou so much.

We left Wanda's after a little while. So where to next now that we'd satisfied our urge for adult entertainment? Super Sexe. Montreal's most well renowned....strip club. DON'T JUDGE ME! Super Sexe rules, cause it's always got a good crowd, and a ton of girls. Seriously they have so many strippers on any given night and they're just milling about hanging out with each other, giving dances at tables. Good atmosphere for sure. Also they cater to pretty much every person's taste, no matter what you're into, you can probably find it there, as evidenced by the largest stripper i've ever seen wearing just a bra and thong. So we rode out the rest of the night there. Hilight of the night was probably when some guy who was getting married got pulled up on stage by two strippers. Poor guy. They played around with him a bit, rubbed their boobs in his face. Then took his clothes off leaving him in just his underwear. Then he lay face down on the ground, they ripped his underwear off, and strapped him as hard as they could across the ass with belts numerous times. Gotta admit he took it real well! From there it was off to "La Belle Province" again, for late night poutines, followed by hockey hilights in the hotel room and passing out.

Sunday:

The least exciting day by far. Woke up feeling good and shitty. Headed to Champs, had a lunchtime meal while watching the Pens vs. Red Wings game. Julien headed to Shwartz's and picked up the essential smoked meat to bring home. Then we were off with Julien and Dave sharing the drive home.

I had an awesome weekend, i always do in Montreal, it's still my favorite city in the world, a summer trip needs to happen, so we can do the things we missed, the casino, the biodome, Tam Tam's. Let's make it happen.

Ol' Hockey Perv Grimes

So i'm not going to lie, i've been checking out my own blog repeatedly ever since yesterday. Not to see if anyone has commented. Not to reread my own writing. But for one reason and one reason only. To continuously look at the picture i posted with the Montreal blog. I'm dangerously obsessed with it. I have no idea why, but for some reason the idea of a girl, any girl, wearing any sort of Habs paraphenelia is basically porn for me. It's like that scene in Wayne's World when he sees Cassandra on the stage for the first time and "Dreamweaver" starts playing. So I decided for those who suffer the same affliction of me, i'd post a few more random habs hotties. Enjoy.

Shania Twain? Habs fan? I had no idea, but now "You're Still The One" is even more special to me than it was before.

This girl is definitely French Canadian, you can see it in her eyes, and just so damn hot, some people don't like the whole pink jerseys/tshirts for girls and sports teams....i'm all for it.

Is this the girl from Transformers? Megan Fox? Kind of looks like her doesn't it? I would do awful things with that flag. I wonder if it's on ebay?

Good god....

That's a sweet jersey underwear combo, bonus points for the chinese symbol tattoo poking out.

Ok it's official, i'm fully in love, this is the one, screw partying this weekend, i'm spending every waking moment trying to find this girl.

Mike Komisarek. God among men. He could have any one of those girls above....as long as he leaves just one of them for me.

Well boys i hope you enjoyed that one even if you're not a Habs fan, and to the ladies, you may now start the sexist comments. I don't care, fully worth it.

Huh...

So I'm surprised I didn't see this post on Will Leitch's blog yesterday when it was posted. It's already had quite a bit of doubt cast upon it in other circles (namely by crazies at Politico of all places...) but it's worth a look because, you know, they revoke Super Bowl rings every once in a while so it's important to keep flogging the details of the game...

Thoughts?

Montreal Timeline

First off i must apologize, i've been part timing really hard this week and letting my counterpart Mr. Kitz pick up the slack for me, which he always seems to do in miraculous fashion. Truth is believe it or not that i've been busy as fuck over here so i haven't really been able to get around to posting anything of merit. However i've got a bit of a lull right now, so i figured i might as well try and spit some drivel out for the masses. So without further ado, I present to you, my weekend in Montreal as i envision it right now.

Friday

7:12 a.m.- Alarm goes off, tired as fuck, hit snooze.

7:57 a.m. - After hitting snooze 5 times i finally roll my ass out of bed and into the shower, dress for success, and show up for work 10 minutes late.

8:40 a.m. to 12:40 p.m. - Try to get shit done between fantasizing about returning to La Belle Province. Not Quebec, but the restaurant, i defy you to find a better poutine in the world, not possible.

12:45 p.m. - Getting frustrated waiting for Colin to show up, you'd think that meeting him about 3 times a week, and him always being late, would maybe teach me to show up a little late myself? Nope, i'm not that smart, Colin finally shows up 6 minutes late looking at the time with a guilty smile on his face. Douchebag.

1:45 p.m. to 4 p.m. - Try to coast through the rest of the day and then leave an hour early cause we have to pick Dave up from the airport as he is returning from a trip to California. While waiting for Dave, strongly consider pushing Julien in front of a taxi, urge eventually fades.

5 p.m. to 11:30 p.m. - On the road, traffic's a bitch getting out of Toronto, but eventually the 401 clears and it's smooth sailing. Julien doesn't pee once the whole way cause he's a human dromaderie (camel). I pee 16 times, most of which are in bottles in the car which i try to swap with people's drinks, they aren't amused. Julien falls asleep with ease. Dave regails us with golf stories. I play with myself a little bit hoping no one will notice....they do notice.....silence til we arrive.

11:30 p.m. to 4 a.m. - Quickly check into our hotel on Rene Levesque. Holy fuck i forgot how cold Montreal is. Get our shit in order, straight to St. Laurent, and over to Bifteque. Order 5 shots of whisky for 11 bucks. Dave has to take 2 cause there's only 4 of us. Get trashed unusually quick. Look at hot girls and talk about how we would love to hook it up! When one accidentally looks over, we all quickly cast our eyes downward and giggle to ourselves. Stumble to La Belle Province around 3:30 a.m., get poutines to go, eat them in our hotel rooms, 3 out of 4 of us snore.

Saturday

11:00 a.m. - Wake up.....hungover....ugh.....take our sweet ass time getting ready, good lord it looks cold outside!

12:15 p.m. - Decide it's time to make a move, it's only so often you get to come to Montreal.

12:45 p.m. to 2:00 p.m. - Finally actually make a move, and walk our asses through the downtown en route to Peel Pub, occasionally popping into a store here and there to check some merchandise we probably won't buy, but more importantly to warm up. Several times i try to grab Julien's hand and hold it as a fun little joke, he doesn't like it. Dave nuts me. He is unsuccessful however because my balls have retreated inside my body for survival. Finally arrive at the holyland.....Peel Pub.....time to get sloppy.

2:00 p.m. to 6:15 p.m. - Peel Pub is pretty uncrowded when we arrive, Dave gets a couple scattered boos due to his Leafs Jersey. We are delighted to find out they still offer their "5 Bud Lights for 9 Dollars" deal from the previous year. Julien is especially happy since he's already switched to light beer for good....pansy. Over the course of just over 4 hours, we go through 11 buckets of 5 Bud Lights, some regrettable food choices, numerous high fives with strangers due to our Habs Jersey's, fleeting moments of wondering if we're too hammered to be in public, and finally pay our tab and take to the streets for the walk to the Bell Centre.

6:35 p.m. - There she is. My Jerusalem. The temple. The Bell Centre. Can you feel that? Can you feel that energy? It doesn't matter in a given season whether one team is good and one team sucks, whenever the Habs and Leafs square off, the energy in the building is electric, this is going to be awesome.

7:12 p.m. to 9:55 p.m. - The game. Clearly the Habs win in a 5-1 drubbing of the blue shirts. Grabovski and Kostitsyn make good on their promise to scrap. I scream "YEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!!!! PUT HIM IN A BODY BAG!!!" I get some odd looks. Clearly some people need to rewatch Karate Kid. I feel bad when Grabovski is actually taken out in a body bag. Kovalev scores twice on the power play, and Higgins, Markov, and Lapierre all add goals of their own. Price is only beaten once on the power play when a puck deflects off a skate in front. Chants of OLE OLE OLE OLE! rain down from the stands. Insults from French Canadiens are hurled at anyone sporting a Leafs Jersey. Dave takes it all in stride. Oh and i failed to mention....our seats at the game are in the Air Canada Section, which means free food all game. Awesome. I walk out of the game feeling like a million bucks. Then proceed to puke on the sidewalk.

10:05 p.m. - Trying to decide what to do, where to go, Crescent Street? Back to St. Laurent? Strip Joint?

10:20 p.m. to 12:13 a.m. - Take a wild guess. Emily's strip club. 8 dollar lap dances, sure i've never had a lap dance before, but i can brag about knowing the prices. Instead we are cheap bastards and just watch as old french dudes get lap dances at the tables close to ours. Nurse a couple of beers and enjoy the show. I tell one stripper, "You.....youuu......you.....youlooksogood.....youlooksogood." Her lips say thanks but her eyes say fuck off. So we do.

12:30 p.m. to 3 a.m. - Bar hopping along Crescent Street until we find something off the hook. We've been drinking for over 12 hours by this point so things are getting a little fuzzy and energy is wearing thin, but how often do you actually come to Montreal? Once a year maybe twice, so gotta keep it going. I try to chat up a bartender, she tells me i'm a great friend and that i should add her on Facebook. Eventually we all admit that we're pretty much cashed. Head to Boustan for some shawarma's and garlic potatoes and then bring that shit back to the hotel room. Mark opts for another poutine from "La Belle Province" instead. We all are kind of jealous we didnt' do the same. One by one we pass out with the Tv on.

11:30 a.m. - Phone is ringing, it's the front desk, check out was half an hour ago could we please vacate the room?

12:30 p.m. - Another phone call, "yeah ok we're leaving man relax."

12:45 p.m. to 6 p.m.- Check out, grab the van, quick chat about what we should do. Stick around for another couple of hours? Head back now? Julien suggests we find a rink and play some outdoor hockey cause he's obsessed and rightly so. The rest of us shoot him down immediately because it's -50 Celsius. We decide to make the drive back. Conversation is not as lively as it was on the way to Montreal. Someone suffers from Big D. We eventually make it back to Toronto feeling like sacks of dirt, but overall agree that was one hell of a weekend.

So that's what i envision is going to happen this weekend. I'd imagine i'll be pretty damn accurate but i suppose we will see. Either way i'm pumped, GO HABS GO!

Love/Hate

So as many, many, many, many of my roommates know, I have a continuing love/hate relationship with How I Met Your Mother (hereto known as HIMYM). On the one hand, it's absolutely hilarious and chock-full of amazing comedy nuggets known in the biz as "call-backs" or "in-jokes." On the other hand, it's on CBS. I mean, lordy day!! CBS?!? You're killing me here HIMYM!!

I have to admit though, that coming across both Ted's old website (from when he was an underground DJ in college) AND Barney's video resume today really started tipping the scales. And with it also be shown on E! now (along with such boundary-pushing shows as The Girls Next Door and the slightly less nude-women-based The Soup) I may have to put in squarely in the Love column [Ed. note: The Chronicles of Gritz currently does not have a "Love Column" nor a "Love Post" and Alex is already way over his limit in "Awesome" posts so don't expect to see anything more about HIMYM on this website.]

Awesome

Well, last night there was this bowl. The "Super" bowl. Super? You betcha. First off, The Boss dished out a free lesson in how to rock and roll. Secondly, Kurt Warner hits Fitzy for a TD in the 4th quarter has everyone screaming their heads off (except Mumford) and then, with just seconds left, Big Roeth hit's Holmes!! Unbelievable!! I put back a few too many beers and proceeded to offend Anna twice with impressions of different nationalities. All in all a good time. But sadly, there was one thing missing from the evening. A 12 foot-long meatball sub? Well, yeah, that was missing too, so I guess there were two things missing from the evening: a 12 foot-long meatball sub and US Super Bowl ads. Now, everyone has probably dedicated their mornings to catching up on these 30 second masterpieces, but in case you haven't, here are (in my esteemed opinion) the Top 5 Super Bowl Commercials from 2009.

#5 - Hulu with Alec Baldwin. 

I can't really say why I think this one is funny, maybe just Baldwin saying, "DYNO-MITE!!" but whatever it is, it's good.

#4 - Cars.com with The Doctor

Grimes has a good sized list of things that scratch him right where he itches. Well for me, the biggest is people being awesome at stuff. You know that scene at the end of Groundhog Day when Bill Murray pulls off a perfect day? Amazing. And when Will Ferrell turns out to be a killer flautist in Anchorman? Perfection. So this commercial really speaks to me. Behold:

#3 - Etrade with The Babies

Maybe I'm too sentimental. Or maybe my biological clock is ticking, and I secretly know that I only have a few good years left in me to pull a Junior and have a man-baby (a baby born of a man, not a baby that comes out a full grown man...). Either way, this one rules. Mostly because even if it were full-grown men, I'd love the back-and-forth and the stretching of the golden pipes.

#2 - Monster with The Moose 

First of all, moose are ALWAYS funny. Literally, anytime something happens with a moose I'll probably laugh. This one continues that streak. And how! The reveal is amazing and man alive does it ever hit the nail on the head for how I feel at work.

#1 - Bud Light with Conan 

I mean, honestly, can YOU think up something funnier than Conan doing anything!?! I can't, which may be why this one takes the cake for best commercial of the year. Other newspapers and magazines have said that the Dorito's commercial with the old dude getting hit in the nuts is the winner (and on any other day of the week, I'd agree) but Conan in red mesh? Hello!!

BONUS 

And of course, no review of Super Bowl commercials would be complete without this one for next year's shoe-in for Best Picture Oscar.

And also, this one for Jack In The Box. The guy in the phone reminds me of Kevin James (or, as he's better known, Paul Blart, Mall Cop) and you know that means guffaw-city.