Monday Screw (Friday Edition)

That Time On The Street Car

So usually we'd do The Monday Screw on, you know, Monday. But drastic times call for drastic measures. You see, despite what should have been a purely celebratory post, some chump-sac named Mike Tonner decided to take it upon himself to foul up the mood and call me out for not posting enough hilarious stories and tall tales like my esteemed colleague Eric Wendy Grimes. Who is Mike Tonner? Well according to Google, he's a fucking nobody! But we here at The Gritz take our jobs seriously, and any time a fan has comments or concerns, we like to either eradicate the fan or deal with the comments /concerns swiftly. And since I can't find where this Tonner douchtard lives, I guess I'll just have to post a little ditty that could well also be a Monday Screw, except it technically spilled over into Tuesday.

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On Monday, the 19th of January I was sitting in my office, working diligently on a project surrounding the 175th Anniversary of the Founding of Toronto (look it up! It's this March the 6th!) when an e-mail came in. It was from the University College of London. Exactly 4 days prior, I had completed and submitted my applications to 5 law schools in the UK because (a) they were good schools and (b) I had spent too much of my first year of university looking down at an empty bottle rather than at an open book to ever have my GPA recover. So the UK was my best chance for further education. The e-mail was concise and comprehensive:

Dear Mr. Kitz,

We were delighted to received you application to the Faculty of Law at UCL. We have noticed, however, an irregularity in your application. As you know, all students are expected to write their LNAT and we have noticed that your LNAT score has not been attached to your application. Please remedy this situation as soon as possible.

Sincerely,

Brett

I responded:

Dear Brett,

I was unaware that the LNAT was a required test for my application to the Faculty of Law at UCL. However, I am writing my LSATs, the North American equivalent to the LNAT on February 6th. As this is in only 15 days away, and as I am unaware of any LNAT testing centre in Toronto, would these results be acceptable rather than an LNAT score.

All the very best,

Alex Kitz

Response, not 20 minutes later:

Dear Alex,

No, your LSAT score will not be an acceptable substitute. We require all applicants to write their LNAT. I have attached for you, however, a list of locations near your address that hold LNAT testing.

Brett

Response:

Dear Brett,

Thank you so much for this list of testing centres. There is one only an hour or two by public transportation from my house which I should be able to access. When is the deadline for the test to be taken?

Alex

Response:

Dear Alex,

The deadline for the exam to be sat is the 20th of January.

Brett

Gulp

Alright, so I'd never heard of this test till now (it's 2 PM, Monday afternoon) and I had exactly 21 hours to learn about it, write it and submit it. Very fortunately I had helpful friends. I texted one, Kent Plummer, who happens to work out near the airport and asked for a lift. He obliged. So after a restless night and a quick glance over the single practice test offered online he drove me out to The Nordic College out at Islington and Dixon Road. 

College would be a stretch... You know that scene in Boiler Room when Ribisi sees their phone bank for the first time and it's just a shell of an office with hundreds of phones laying on the floor? Think even more ghetto. This place wouldn't have passed mustard as a street meat stand let alone a place to take an internationally accredited test. But here I was. 8:30 AM. In the middle of nowhere. It was cold and there were wolves after me. So I took a look in the mirror and took a second to compose myself. "You're a tiger. You're mommy's big boy! You can do anything. See what you want and take it!"

That morning I was not mommy's big boy. To be fair, halfway through the essay section of the test, the computer just shut down. By the time it was back on, they had re-calibrated the clock so I hadn't technically lost any time, but you'd better believe I'd lost my rhythm. I finished my essay 150 words short of their preferred 700 words and had accidentally written a paragraph or two on another question which may have voided both efforts. No matter how you cut it, it wasn't good. The test, one that was supposed to be rudimentary compared with the LSAT - an exam I had been studying industriously for - had absolutely kicked my ass. In a blur I walked out of the building, cursing myself under my breath, completely humiliated.

Of course, as soon as I walked out, my bus flew past the stop. It was -15 but felt like -25. I hadn't worn boots, as I can't concentrate when I wear bulky footwear, so my feet were freezing and I hadn't eating since 7 AM, so I was starving. A full 20 minutes later, another bus finally came. I got on and endured the 20 minute ride down to Bloor. Once there, I transferred to the subway and began the long slough back. Another 20, maybe 25 minutes on the subway, I finally reached the Spadina station when I could transfer onto a streetcar down to my office. My phone buzzed with an e-mail, "Alex - I can't believe you're missing the inauguration!! I hope you're catching it somewhere. It's really amazing!"

A brief, side note: I had worked for Obama in Florida. More hours, blood, sweat and tears than I can possible describe were dedicated to that campaign. It was one of the most important experiences of my life, and I was well aware that I was missing an important moment in world history to be on a subway back to the office.

Hungry and tired, bitter to be stuck on the TTC and even more bitter to have just flunked an important test, I felt a wave of relief wash over me as my street car pulled to a stop in the station; the feeling that a long and brutal morning was over crept into me.

I got on the busy streetcar and actually saw an available seat beside an attractive young Asian girl who was sitting in the aisle. I walked over and hovered above her for a moment, hoping she would notice me and move over to the window so I could have the seat. She didn't. I coughed loudly and when she looked up I asked in my most pleasant voice whether I could sit down. "Of course" she said but instead of moving over, she swung her legs around to let me weasel into the seat. Well, a seat is a seat, isn't it? So I grabbed my bag with my left arm to make sure I didn't knock anyone in the head with it and grabbed the bar with my right hand to steady myself as I attempted to vault over this girl.

But just as I was reaching for the bar, the streetcar lurched forward and falling with it, I stuck the girl right in the eye with my thumb.

WHAM!! Right with the pointy end of my thumb. She SCREAMED!! "Aiiieeee!!" and threw her armful of files straight up in the air, clutching her face. "You poked me!! Right in the eye with your nail!!"

"I know! Oh, my goodness, I know, I'm SO sorry! I'm SO sorry. Are you alright? Are you okay? Can you see? Do you need us to stop? Do you need medical attention?"

"NO! Just sit down!"

"Sit down!? I - I can't sit down with you, I just jabbed you in the eye with the entire weight of my body! I feel terrible, I can't possibly take that seat!"

"SIT DOWN!!"

"Alright, alright" and so I gathered up the spray of files and again steadied myself, this time successfully straddling over her into the window seat. I sat there, silent looking straight ahead, but well aware that she was whimpering in the seat next to me. As if she had been expecting to have her cornea scratched, she pulled from her bag eye drop bottle after hand-sanitizer after mirror after cotton ball and began applying all her medical skills to her - presumably permanently - damaged eyeball. All the while I just sat quietly and stared ahead, trying to avoid both eye (singular) contact from her and from the other 100 chinese people on the streetcar who were looking at me like I had committed a hate crime.

Of course, once in the window seat, there was NO WAY I was going to climb over her to get out. I'd just nearly blinded her! So I sat patiently, periodically casting cautious glances over to see if she'd stopped crying (she hadn't). We reached my stop, and with no movement on her side, I continued to sit quietly. Another stop past my office. Still no movement. Finally, she gets up to leave, but again I can't bring myself to do the same - as it trying to justify why she wouldn't move over  in the first place, I stay another full stop. By the time I get off I'm practically down at Lakeshore. 

I exit the streetcar, beaten. Defeated. Whatever mirrors I'd broken in my past had been saving up for a day like this. I trudged all the way back to the office, almost 10 minutes, only 5 minutes less than it would have taken me to walk from the Bloor subway station, and swore I'd never take the TTC ever again.

100th Post

Because Kitzy has been posting shit like a madman lately, all of a sudden we've arrived at a very important moment in the history of our blog. The century mark, this posting here marks the 100th post on our blog. I know it's insane, and i know just like me you've all got tears in your eyes. So for the 15-20 loyal readers out there, Kitzy and myself would just like to say thankyou for listening to us talk about science, sports, masturbation, fecal matter, TV, movies, and Mike Denby. I don't want to jinx it, but i figure by the time our 200th post rolls around, we might be up to 22-24 loyal readers. Knock on wood. Either that or we'll be shut down by some uptight crusty old dean. I have nothing really to write about so i guess the 100th post is going to be pretty fuckin shitty. Which is unfortunate. We love and somewhat respect you all very much. Cue the music.

Awesome

HIGH-FIVE INAUGURATION! - watch more funny videos

Breaking News

Nazi Teddybears Are All The Rage

So if you're like me, you saw Valkyrie (or sent your intern to see it - thanks Mumford!!) and spent the whole time thinking, "yeah, yeah, this is all well and good, but where is the merchandising!?!?"

Well Entertainment Tonight (ET) has the answer!! Their functionally retarded back-up interviewer met with Tom Cruise to talk about the success of the movie and in an attempt to either suck up, or convince him to join her aryan nation, she presented him with a teddybear dressed up in his uniform from the movie.

And if you're thinking, "wait, Tom Cruise played a Nazi in that movie..." You're right.

Now if we can just find the illustrated kids version of Mein Kampf for Access Hollywood to give to him... [Oh No They Didn't!]

Awesome

Iron Maiden Movie Announced

A new documentary following Iron Maiden's 2008 world tour, titled Iron Maiden: Flight 666 is being produced by Banger Films (whose credits also include Metal: A Headbanger's Journey) and should be released in theaters (read: a single theatre somewhere just outside of Moosemin, Saskatchewan) in April of 2009. From the press release:

"The movie, which was created by Banger Films, EMI Records, UMe and Arts Alliance Media, follows Maiden from February to March, 2008 on the first leg of their “Somewhere Back in Time World Tour.” For the tour, the band flew in a specially customized Boeing 757 airliner piloted for much of the time by vocalist Bruce Dickinson. The plane also contained Maiden’s crew and 12 tons of music and stage equipment. Puddle-jumping from one location to another, the band played 23 sold out stadium and arena shows in Asia, Australia and North, Central and South America in just 45 days. Maiden performed in 13 countries, also landing in Azerbaijan and Papua New Guinea en route for fuel stops, travelling 70,000km and performing to almost half a million fans."

Wait, what!? "a specially customized Boeing 757 airliner piloted for much of the time by vocalist Bruce Dickinson"!?! Amazing. Is there anything Bruce Dickenson can't do? According to his Wikipedia article, no.

"Dickinson's interests include literature, writing, fencing (at which he has competed internationally, and he also founded a fencing equipment company under the brand name Duellist), train technology and flying Boeing 757 charter jets for the UK charter airline Astraeus where he is employed as a First Officer. He was taught to fly by British Airways commercial pilot Captain Phil Dales.

In the summer of 2006, Dickinson flew about 200 UK citizens home from Lebanon during the Israel/Hezbollah conflict. On 12 February 2007, Dickinson was given permission to fly Rangers F.C. to Israel for their UEFA Cup game against Hapoel Tel Aviv. Dickinson asked if he could pilot this flight as soon as he found Astraeus had the contract for it. After the collapse of XL Airways UK in September 2008 he piloted an Iceland Express aeroplane and flew home 180 stranded holiday makers from Egypt, as well as a Boeing 747 with a group of british RAF pilots from Afghanistan. 'A lot of them recognised him because they are Maiden fans, but he was there in his professional capacity as a pilot,' says an RAF spokesman."

Uh.... Amazing.

Ol' Oddjob Grimes

WHAT UP! So this is going to be a simple blog, all about yours truly. Special thanks and mad props go out to Stacey Bowman and her insanely well written TornLake blog cause despite the fact that she hasn't given me permission, i'm still going to rip off her idea for a blog by giving you a glimpse into my life up until now as someone's employee. Sorry Stacey, i hope this is alright, and i believe you when you say you didn't make out with Ghaeli, although i have no idea why you wouldn't cause he's a magnificent son of a bitch.

Timekeeper: When i was just a wee one i entered the work force as a timekeeper for minor hockey. I would sit there for 2 or 3 games at a time, usually shivering, with the little heater working overtime trying in vain to warm my feet. Pay was usually between 8 and 10 dollars a game and i did it for a few years. Special thanks to the lovely ladies manning the concession stand for the occasional free hot chocolate. I think they were hitting on me. One of them stole my virginity. Ok that didn't happen.

Oakville Beaver/Oakville Today Delivery Boy: Like many a young lad i had a paper route as a kid. Delivering for the most part the Oakville Beaver, and no it wasn't a porn mag, it was a legitimate unfortunately named local paper. For the most part it was an alright job, especially when it rained cause then my mom would drive me around with the sliding door on the van open and i'd hop out and run up to a couple houses. More than once i'd be standing there quite clueless and as she would slow down the sliding door would close and hit me in the head. I was not bright. Sundays sucked cause of all the inserts, but collection day was da bomb because of the old guy who always gave me a two buck tip.

M&G Steel Office Bitch: My dad started his own company called M&G Steel, my mom and uncle work there too. I worked there for a couple summers and my duties included doing whatever the fuck people told me too. Think it's awesome being the boss' son? Not really. Reverse favortism is a son of a bitch. Plus the salty old sea dogs working in the shop loved to give me a ribbing as often as they could. Especially since my bro was working in the shop with the real men, while momma's boy Eric couldn't cut it and was safe and comfortable in the office. What can i say, i have delicate hands.

Walmart Cashier: Myself and another young man were the first male cashiers hired at this Walmart on Trafalgar in Oakville. To be honest...i was kind of dominant. By the end of my tenure i was working whatever shifts i wanted and had the second highest scanning percentage of all the cashiers, including the full timers. Don't believe me? Look it up. The job was fairly shitty but had it's fair share of awesome stories. The guy who bought a sledgehammer and said to me, "ha....now the wife better have sex with me!" Nothing like a good marital abuse story. A coworker who was arrested during a sting operation, that one was pretty awesome. And by far my favorite moments had to be when someone from my far too rich high school, would be in line buying clothes or shoes and not notice me as their cashier til they got to the front. Their embarassment....priceless!

Town of Oakville Employee: I worked for the Parks Department for two wonderful summers. First for sports fields, and second for Garbage. Sports fields ruled, myself and two other scamps driving around in a truck all day taking it easy breezy beautiful cover girl, and occasionally making sure Oakville's baseball diamonds and soccer fields were in working order. Garbage however? Not quite as good. Nothing like strolling into a public bathroom (we also looked after them) and seeing a delightful pile of shit steaming on the floor. Seriously? Shitting on the floor? Really? There's toilets right there you know! Dickheads. Also there's nothing more exhilarating than giving a solid boot to a hot stinky garbage can full of bees and watching them fly up, then quickly rolling it halfway to your truck before you have to run to avoid getting stung. Good times. The one benefit was that people seem to always use parks garbage cans to throw out their old porn. SCORE!

Bartender: Sports Cafe in England, Bottle Shop in Cairns, The Albion in Perth, Turf Bar in Melbourne, and Mad Dog's in Clarkson. Bartending is a great job to have for the most part, i loved working in pretty much every one of these places, i also hated it quite often but truly there is no job that makes you closer to your coworkers, makes you hate your boss more, and gives you better stories than bartending. There's too many awesome moments to mention, but between over the bar makeouts, coworker regrettable hookups, bar brawls, drunk fucks, karaoke, and my own fuckups......well i've got a lot of solid memories to look back on.

Fruit Picking: Horrible, terrible, awful, don't do it, don't even fuckin think about it, "it can't be that bad can it?" Yes....yes it can, just trust me. I picked pears. Big old stupid fatty fatty fat fat pears. Up at 6 a.m., freezing cold in your miniature on site dorm room that's cold as fuck. Quick shower and breakfast and making your lunch. Sitting in a big old wooden bin behind a tractor as they drive you out to your row of trees with your ladder. Wearing a big pouch on your stomach. Climbing to the top of your dangerously wobbly ladder. Having 50 pounds of pears strapped to you. The day starts to heat up to 35 degrees Celsius. Sweating your ass off. Covered in stinky pesticides. Working all day in the burning heat repeatedly up and down a ladder dumping pears into a bin that never seems to get full. Finishing around 5 p.m., going back to the dorms, showering the stink off. Making a can of chili. Playing ping pong or watching TV for a couple hours. Go to bed. Room has baked in the sun all day and is way too hot. Open window. Mosquitoes fly in. Sleepless night sweating and swatting bugs. Wake up. Do it all over again.

Consulting Structural Engineer: Maybe fruit picking ain't so bad after all?

Science!! Blowing You Mind In 2009

Almost all commercially produced liquid biofuels come from either sugary crops like sugar beet or cane, or starchy ones like potatoes or corn. But every acre used to cultivate those crops uses one that could grow food - potentially causing food shortages and pushing up prices.

Using woody material instead of crops could sidestep this to some extent by using biomass from more unproductive land. And producing biofuels from freshwater algae cultivated in outdoor ponds or tanks could also use land unsuitable for agriculture. But neither approach has been made commercially available.

Now a group at the Korea Institute of Technology in South Korea has developed a way to use seaweed to produce bioethanol and avoid taking up land altogether.

The group says seaweed has a number of advantages over land-based biomass. It grows much faster, allowing up to six harvests per year; unlike trees and plants, it does not contain lignin and so requires no pre-treatment before it can be turned into fuel; and it absorbs up to seven times as much carbon dioxide from the atmosphere as wood.

The group's patent suggests treating all sizes of algae - from large kelp to single-celled spirulina - with an enzyme to break them into simple sugars, which can then be fermented into ethanol.

The resulting seaweed biofuel is cheaper and simpler to produce than crop or wood-based fuels, and will have no effect on the price of food, says the group.

Click the hyperlink to read the full biofuels from marine algae patent application. Even though it can be kind of tough to wade through, it's worth it because the invention is awesome and I'll bet dollars to doughnuts that in 20 years this is where all our energy comes from.

Breaking News

From Maxim:

It’s about 10 minutes into our interview on a day off from shooting, and Morgan wants to talk tattoos. He starts ticking them off: a peace sign, a happy and sad face, a cross bearing the names of his ex-wife and three sons, the name of a friend he played football with in high school who was murdered. He lifts up his shirt, revealing his doughy torso as he displays the words ME, MYSELF, & I on his back. And then there’s STOVE TOP.

“I have a tattoo on the side of my penis that says STOVE TOP,” Morgan tells me proudly, referring to the instant stuffing mix. “I’m pretty well-endowed. A girl told me to get that because I stuffed her up like a turkey. She said, ‘You should call that Stove Top!’”

The Tittie Pipe

Lost Returns

(ABC, re-cap starts at 8 PM/EST, the 2 Hour Season Premier starts at 9 PM/EST)

Well, it's been a good long time, but Lost is finally starting again tonight, Wednesday January 21st and by the way, it's going to be awesome. The producers have already announced that this will be the second last season, so pretty much, you know they're not just leading you on and jerking you around. This is the beginning of the end. And if you ask me that's a good feeling. Lost has somehow managed to dodge the pitfalls of so many other long-running ensemble series (ER, Law & Order, Two & A Half Men) in that at no point has it slowed down. Even Season 3, widely considered to be the weakest of all the Seasons is still some of the best TV you'll see in a good long time. If you don't believe me, I'm pretty sure that Duggy has the season on DVD and is always happy to lend it out for extended periods of time, ain't that right Duggy?

Now I could go into all the philosophy and science (or FRINGE science!!) of Lost, but I'll let people discover that on their own - just know that EW and Lostpedia are heads above the rest for siiiick theories. In the meantime I'll just post this little re-cap of Seasons 1-4 in honor of the start of Season 5 tonight.

Ramblings

So it's Tuesday. Not really the best day in the world, i mean fuck yeah it's better than Monday no doubt about that, but at least i've got my hockey game tonight, a little exercise, and i played some outdoor 'key last night for a couple hours which was AWESOME! So nothing in particular to write about today so let's just have ourselves a ramble and see what kind of stuff falls out.

First off....the superbowl. Everyone kept saying that the Cardinals couldn't win, and they just kept on winning. Against the Panthers i for sure thought they were going to get smoked, but they pulled out that win pretty easily. This past week against the Eagles, i was calling for a Cardinals win, and once again they pulled it out. Their defense has stepped it up and become a legitimately good one, and their offense as they have all season has stepped it up. Larry Fitzgerald i think has cemented his spot as the top wide receiver in the league for now. Do they have a chance against the Steelers. I would really love to say yes and i'll be rooting for them, but that's a tough one. They have a decent run defense and to be honest Pittsburgh hasnt' been running the ball exceptionally well, and they've got a couple standout players in their secondary, so if Hines Ward is still injured, well you never know. Either way it'll be nice to see one of the top offenses take on the top defense. I'll be watching.

Let's talk about Dillon's party. Well not much to say, we're having a party.....for Dillon.....cause he's leaving us for greener pastures.....so we thought we'd send him off with a bang. So come one come all, Saturday night at Denby's place, we're hoping it turns into a rager! Plus you can try out Denby's funnel system which will be attached to the wall and wont' break like the last one. Free Eric special's for the first ten to arrive.

In one day, as in tomorrow, Nicaragua will officially be exactly one month away. I'm sure those who aren't going are sick of me fuckin talking about it all the time, but i don't care, gentlemen start your engines!

I'm having lunch with Colin again today, we're going to the TD food court, i think ill probably get the 1/2 sandwich and salad combo from the pizza place. It's a good deal.

Carey Price looks like he's goign to start the all star game after all which was one of his goals at the beginning of the season, if he gets injured whilst playing and can't play in the Habs vs. Leafs game i'm going to in Montreal i'm going to lose my shit.

The strip club we went to in Montreal last year after the Habs vs. Leafs game had 8 dollar lap dances and the girls were actually really hot. Now that's bang for your buck.

I almost never see movies in theatre anymore, which is sad, i'd really like to start goign more often, the last time i went was early December when i saw Valkyrie and they were free tickets given to me. I probably wouldn't have gone if i hadn't been given those.

Derek Mumford shall now be known as Tomas Holmstrom and not Ryan Smyth as he would prefer. In outdoor hockey last night he scored multiple times, always garbage goals in front of the net. He wanted Ryan Smyth, but he hasn't shown me enough moves yet to earn that honor.

The battle to host the Superbowl party this year is on. Dave Palmer and Mike Denby would like to host, but so would Julien, Colin, and Stu. Palmby's place has more room and is more spacious however they do not have HD broadcasting. Jucostu is a cozy venue with a nice HD TV, we'll see who wins out, stay tuned.

I potentially have my apartment to myself this weekend, as my brother and friends are supposed to be roadtripping to Ottawa. However i have called them out, and predicted that just like the last two times these plans were made, it will fall through and they won't end up going. Stay tuned.

Mumford has Nintendo Wii now. It's a hell of a lot of fun but i can see how it wouldnt' be good as a one player system. I absolutely dominate him at tennis pretty much every time now. However in bowling, it usually varies each time we play. Julien still holds the bowling high score with a score of 225.

That's probably good for today. ENJOY!