Tuesday, March 3, 2009

The Chronicles of Grimes Part IV Volume I



Ok so normally these are just emails i send to my friends after i take a vacation, but i figured why not throw it on the blog aswell. It's basically just a trip synopsis with as much boring shit as i could think of thrown out, and only the hilights thrown in. Enjoy....you probalby won't!


Will these things ever stop? I mean seriously enough already right? We get it, i like to take vacations and then write about them in a synopsis form, with 90% of the people receiving them sending them straight to their junk mail folder. I mean maybe i should just be posting them on the blog now so people at least have the choice? Nope....sorry....no dice, so without further ado, here's the first and only Volume of Part IV of my beloved Chronicles. This one takes place in beautiful Nicaragua and is entitled: Gringaragua.

So Saturday morning was especially delightful, seeing as how none of us are the brightest bulbs in the socket, we all found a way to avoid going to sleep til the early hours of the morning Friday night, for myself it was a 2:30 a.m. bedtime followed by a 5a.m. wake up. Hilight of that morning had to be pounding on Mike's door and repeatedly calling him until we eventually called Palmer to wake him up. Our flights went off without a hitch and we arrived at the Managuan airport on time and picked up our two white pickup trucks. Even though we had a perfectly good set of directions from the house owner, we made the educated decision to follow the truck rental guy's "map" that he drew on a piece of paper. So after we'd driven the wrong way for about 20 or 30 kilometres and backtracked, we decided that maybe it would be a good idea to follow the directions we were given by the guy who owns the house. Our rental house was next to a little fishing town called Gigante in a gated community and if you think that shit is easy to find then you're dead wrong. But after maneuvering dirt roads and picking familiar words of Spanish from directoins from local Nicas we somehow made it. And to our delight, so had Sackville, he had flown down a couple days early and was already chilling waiting on our arrival. The house was even better than we hoped, everyone had their own bed, i took the master bedroom which had a walk in closet and private bathroom (otherwise known as the bathroom where everyone decided to jerk off......sweet?) the infiniti pool was pretty sweet and just the right temp, the view was boner inducing, and the DVD selection was weird. (Rom com's or random movies you'd heard of but never even considered watching)

Now don't worry i'll get to the good stuff, that's just the introduction alright, so calm down. Intro's are always boring, you gotta set the scene and the mood. Now i'm not going to go into a day by day description of what went down, cause truthfully it wouldn't be possible, everything has kind of melted into itself and all that's left is a few broken memories and hilights so i'll do my best to pass those on.

So last year after Costa Rica we chose a trip MVP. Someone who just kind of owned it the whole time. Last year was Mumford....not too sure how that happened but it did. From the get go this year it was pretty obvious it was going to be one of two people. Andrew "Tandrew" Wade and Colin "Main Road Left" Pearson would battle for the crown each and every night. One of them would take what we would estimate to be an insurmountable lead, and then the other would come roaring right back. Both their successes were tied directly into 60 ounce bottles of Flor De Cana Rum. We purchased many of said bottles. Andrew was the driving force with the rum, and as he mentioned afterwards "i don't even like rum!" Champion indeed. He would actually chug it. Put that sweet goodness up to his lips and hold it there chugging for 4,5,6...even 7 big pulls at a time. Then pull the bottle back, shudder a bit, then inevitably utter the words, "Colin.....you're up." Colin rarely backed down. So basically we were surfing all day, and getting shitcranked every night for the first few days, then Colin decided to step it up.

One day in particular, maybe a few days in, Colin managed to get mangled beyond belief. To be honest we all were, but Colin was at a different level. Eventually he was lying in the hammock, barely capable of speaking, and all he was doing was laughing. And his laughing.....would make us laugh....which would make him laugh harder....which would make us laugh harder. Eventually we were in hysterics. So that's all well and good right? Bring on Julien Favre. Julien comes out all rip roaring wasted and there's Pearson a step away from a coma giggling it up in the hammock. Favre shittalks him a little, Pearson responds with something along the lines of, "hahahahah fukufavupusssy hhahhaahahha!" So Favre starts swinging Pearson in the hammock. Back and forth, higher and higher. Now i gotta say as much as i plead innocence in the following preceedings, you could see disaster coming....we all could....it was pretty obvoius what was going to happen....so again i'll be honest in saying that even though none of us were physically swinging old Queerson....none of us were about to stop it! So the swinging gets higher, and Pearson keeps shittalking Favre and laughing, in turn making the rest of us laugh, in turn egging on Julien. Julien then decided to throw a new element into the game, he swings Pearson real high up, then throws devastating bodychecks at him as he comes back down. On maybe the 6th or 7th bodycheck, Favre really nailed him up and lifted up, Pearson flew clean out of the hammock, soared through the air, landed on his head/back of his neck with his body slamming down onto the deck afterwards. Pearson's response.....laughter. Well that was it for me and everyone who witnessed. I died. I was on the ground, hands and knees, laughing harder than i could ever possibly remember. Tears pouring out of my eyes, trying to make the mental image go away so i could breathe again. Incredible. To make matters worse about 20 minutes later Pearson was being swung back and forth again, with his weight far too much on one side, the hammock flipped, and he landed face down with his arms trapped underneath his body. Once again we obviously lost it. Soon after Beerson passed out in the hammock naked and we all went to bed. The next morning we were delighted to see he had passed out on the couch buck naked with his legs spread and one hand covering his package while the pool boy was cleaning the pool right outside the giant windows by the couch.

So how could Andrew possibly top that performance? Well you be the judge. Our very last night there was a big party in Gigante which was the little surfing town next to our gated community. We headed down, drank some big bottles of delicious Tona beer, and then watched this little tradition they have in town. Which was that they take a live vulture, and string it up by the legs on a rope that stretches across a street, so the vulture is dangling down. Then a bunch of cabelleros (guys on horses) take turns riding underneath the rope, grabbing the vulture by the neck, and attempting to rip it's head off. The winner is the guy who rips the head off, and manages to hold on to it. No this is not a joke. It takes a long time and alot of tries to rip a vulture's head off by the way. Anyways i digress, back to Andrew. Well he got flat out smashed that night. There was a big dance party with a DJ and everything in the center of town, Andrew started dancing with a local Nica girl, made out with her a bit, then her mom came over, started dancing with them, then her mom stopped, made andrew hold the girl's hand and stand next to her, then stood there and said a bunch of words in Spanish. We're fairly certain Andrew now has a Nicaraguan wife. Despite being drunk as fuck I then witnessed Andrew shotgun a couple more beers back to back. Then he bought another giant Tona beer. Eventually it was time to leave, i found Andrew and started to lead him in the direction of our trucks, unfortunatley one of the giant pigs that lives in town decided to not be asleep, "OH MY GOD A PIG! AHAHAHAHAHA!" Andrew takes off running after the poor pig who squeals and starts running for it's life. The chase didnt' last long, pigs are fast. Then we had to find the rest of the guys. I lost Andrew again. Found him somewhat passed out in the doorway to an abandoned house. Took him to the trucks, then we spent the drive back to our place trying to keep him from jumping into the front seat and convincing him he wasn't alright to drive. He woke up the next morning and peed in the pool from the top balcony while a few of us were swimming in it.

So i would call it a draw in terms of trip MVP. Let's see what else....well now seems like a good time to throw out a couple random quotes that in my mind completley sum up the trip.

Stu: "I needed to take a shit so i had 4 smokes and a coffee."

Derek: "Did somebody pee on my hat?"

Believe it or not, and i'm sure most of you won't seeing as how you know us, but we actually managed to make some friends. Despite the fact that Gigante is a small fishing village, it has great surf in and around the area, and Nicaragua is slowly, quietly, starting to turn into a surfing hub as people continue to search for the perfect uncrowded wave. So gringos aka white people, are around, just not in full force yet. We met a few girls in town, namely, Chanel, Cassidy, and India. Chanel ran her own little restaurant as well as some real estate in the area, and Cassidy and India ran a surf camp. They were hot. So we hung out with them a bit and told them about the house, and they said we should have a party one night, so we said sure. Friday night....it's on. The plan was for them to show up around 3 or 4, they were going to bring pizza and beer, and we were going to have a bunch of beer, and a lot of rum and supplies to make Blended Dinks (yes i put Dinks on purpose). So we were all there at the house with an air of expectation at 3 drinking and chilling in the pool. Then 4. Oops now it's 5....they must just be running late. 6......7......someone run into town and see if they're there and buy more beer. They're not coming....this is a cruel gringo joke. Finally around 8 the floodgates open. They arrive, with many a person in tow. THE PARTY GOES OFF!! Colin becomes known as "naked guy" fairly early on. There's naked guys and girls in the pool. There's a pinata we bought of winnie the pooh being bashed to shreds and sodomized with a broom handle. Sackville jumps off the balcony into the pool supplexing (spelling?) the pinata in the process. I walk into my bedroom to a girl wearing only a bikini top saying "no bottoms NO BOTTOMS!" SORRRRAAAAAAYYYYY!! There's a bunch of girls in bikinis dancing and grinding with each other. Sackville tries to dance on a cooler of beer and slices his foot wide open and immediately has 5 wannabe doctors telling him different things he needs to do while i mop up the blood all over the floor. At one point a guy got thrown in the pool with his cellphone. He was so wasted, and so pissed off. So he pushed the guy who pushed him in, who fell on the patio and bounced into the stairs going into the pool. It was awesome. I'm sure many other things happened that night, but who the fuck can remember. All i know is the house was an absolute disaster the next morning, but it was well worth it. Oh and the next morning a random dude was lying on our couch, apparenlty he'd passed out in the forest next to our house then wandered in. He and Denby were on the two couches. The guy had no idea where his sandals, his shirt, his hat, or his cell phone were. We're also fairly certain he and Denby hooked up. So he became known as "the guy Denby fucked".

I think i've pretty much covered the basics now, so i'll throw in a couple random things. One night Colin ashed on the hammock and burned a huge hole in it. Stu invited our hot Nica maids to the party.....they didn't show. At one point during the party i saw Sackville throw a perfectly good knife into the forest for no apparent reason....we're defintely not getting our security deposit back. Stu was a professional long boarder for one day, exact quote, Me: "Man look at that sick longboarder!" Andrew: "uhh.....that's Stu!" We are not good surfers, but we must be entertaining to watch because of the sheer volume of massive bails we take. Me Andrew and Mumf simultaneously crashed on a massive wave at one point, my board went across Mummy's back, i struggled to get back to the surface, it was scary. We did not see any sharks, whales, or dolphins. We did see insanely large grasshoppers, spiders, praying mantis', and scorpions. A monkey on a leash got tangled in Pearson's shirt, then Denby's soon after. It was hilarious. My 3 months of spanish lessons did not pay off. Mumford is good at building bongs....but worries too much. The Habs won 4 games straight while i was gone. We met a guy who claimed that his wife was the VJ Annie from Musique Plus in Quebec and that he paid for her tits that cost him $10,000 bucks. He also said he owned 17 pitbulls, one of which was named Oden and had beaten both Michael Vick's best pitbull, as well as DMX's. He also claimed to be a professional fisherman that was sponsored. One of the girls we were friends with we were informed had the unforunate nickname, "50 Pound Pussy". No we didn't make it up. Once we claimed our baggage, Mumford had exactly 12 hours before he had to get on a plane to Calgary, to start his new job, which is 2 weeks on, two weeks off, fly in, fly out, of Fort McMurray. Starting yesterday he will be working 12 hour days, 14 days straight.

Nica's are the friendliest people you could ever meet. The locals love it when you wave to them from your truck because gringos with surfboards tailing out the backs of their trucks are still not a common sight just yet. They will always give you a big smile and a wave back. The local surfers are also insanely friendly, they will paddle over to talk to you and practice their English. It appears to be an extremely poor country, which in a sense it is, but the Nica's also are very happy friendly people, and they have alot of time to chill out and hang with each other. As you drive through little barrios you will see them sitting outside their houses chatting with friends or just relaxing. Their clothes are always bright and super clean, comparatively, we all looked like slobs! Their is livestock EVERYWHERE! It's hilarious cause you wonder how they keep track of who owns what. There will be a herd of cows walking on the beach with nobody in site watching them. Horses, pigs, chicken, cats, dogs all over the place just going where they please. It's amazing how quickly you get used to having to honk and nudge your truck through a herd of cattle.

So in closing....basically i had an amazing time. I needed to feed my soul and mission accomplished. Now work will steadily drain the life out of me until i can find a way to escape again, but for now i can live off the memories for at least a little while longer, and pray for the coming summer. Sorry if it's long, but after the Chronicles from England, Australia, and Euro Trip, you must be used to it by now. Hope all is well and good in everyone's life, i through up a pile of photos on Facebook, but for those who don't have me as a friend (good call), here's a few of the better ones.

eric

P.S. remember how long this list of P.S.'s used to get?
P.P.S. remember!?
P.P.P.S. Ok i got nothing, LATES!

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

viva life...

megs said...

Hey, thanks for reading my stuff. Of course you can link me. Is that how I'm supposed to say it? Link away? Getting linky wit it?