Survival Month

I was walking down the street with Eric Quincy Grimes yesterday after a scrumptious BK Whopper meal (followed by Toby's Wings for dinner. I think I may have caught diabetes...) and he pulled a little switcheroo as we came to the street corner. I was confused, and sensing as much, Eric explained, this way, you're between me and oncoming traffic, so if a car swerves onto the crosswalk it will tag you instead of me.

Good thinking Grimes!!  And it got my mind working as to how I would escape potentially fatal situations such as that one (a car veering towards me), so without further adieu, Part 1 of my survival list for potentially fatal situations that the average fellow might find himself in.

1) Avoiding an oncoming car while on foot

If you've been suckered by the ol' switcheroo (the oldest trick in the book) and find yourself walking on the traffic side of a crosswalk and a car swerves towards you, jump. Some people may say that if you have time to jump, you probably have time to get out of the way. Shut up. That's stupid. If there is a car heading straight for you, jump as high as you can and lift your knees to your chest. If the car does strike you, at worst it will hit your ankles, and without your body weight to anchor them to the ground, you'll just spin like a pin-wheel before slamming onto the cold, cold concrete. And sure that'll hurt. But you'll probably just have broken ankles (6-8 weeks of healing) instead of a severed spinal chord. Also, if the car doesn't hit you and you clear it, that would be fucking AWESOME!!!

2) Avoiding an oncoming car or truck while in a car

Remember this? Man, who doesn't!?? That's Kirsten's car getting slammed by a garbage truck in Episode 22 of The OC, "The Showdown," just seconds after she realizes she's becoming an alcoholic. 

This specific scene has been used many times in many different films - most notably in Adaptation and No Country For Old Men but also in those messed up "Holy Shi-" Volkswagon commercials. If this is happening to you, step on the gas!! You know the saying, "like a deer caught in the headlights"? You know what happens after the deer is caught in the headlights? It is literally caught and splattered all over the headlights. Don't be a deer. There is literally NO REASON IN THE WORLD that a family car needs enough pick-up to go from 0 to 60 in 3.4 seconds EXCEPT to avoid an oncoming garbage truck. Make use of this feature. Step on it.

3) Disarming terrorists if they attempt to seize the room you are in

A handy habit that you can easily implement in your day-to-day life is always count the number of people in a room. Remember that number. If there are less than 30, the statistically there are more than enough bullets in the average semi-automatic weapon to murder/death/kill every single person in the room. If this is the case, someone is going to need to man up. Terrorist "specialists" will say that when you are taken hostage, you should always cooperate and leave the negotiations to the professionals. Well that's convenient isn't it? Of course the guys who make their living negotiating are going to say you shouldn't do it - the last thing they need is more competition. Instead think of it this way, there are three kinds of people in this world: John McClanes [pictured], Harvey Ellis' [the coked up big business negotiator] and the pregnant woman. The pregnant woman lays low and hopes to survive. The Harvey Ellis believes he can charm their way out of any problem, usually only to discover he can't. John McClane's, however, are the ones that have movies made after them (based on the assumption that Die Hard is a true story). If someone storms into a room, you should always think to yourself, "now is my time to be John McClane."

And how do you do it? Throw a chair. Chairs are generally big enough to really put someone off balance if they're hit with hit, but light enough to be lifted and thrown hard. Always look for a chair in a room that you think, if push came to shove, you could throw hard at a person standing in a doorway. Always take the seat that gives you the most direct throw at the doorway without being in a line of fire. And always try to find someone larger (who looks a little slow) who will sit between you and the doorway. 

When an armed assailant enters the room, take stock, is he pointing his gun upwards? If so, throw your chair right away, and leap over your desk following it. The assailant will be preoccupied by the chair and momentarily caught off guard. Wrestle the gun from the person and shoot them. If they have already started shooting, their potential partners won't think anything of more gunfire. If he starts shooting straight forward and/or spraying bullets, get down and count the shots. When you hear about 30, they are likely out of bullets. NOW! Throw the chair! Bam, you're the hero, end of story.

Next Week: Escaping a collapsing crane, persevere through a tiger attack, surviving being poisoned.