Friday, November 21, 2008

Off The Trail

Just Palin' It Up




You'd be right to point out that American Thanksgiving is coming up this weekend anyways - so in that sense, perhaps Sarah Palin is giving us all insight into cruelty towards animals in America. Or perhaps she's showing us that nothing goes with the slaughter of a turkey better than the new Starbucks Mocha Ginger Frappaccino. I guess we may never know.

No matter how you cut it though, the look on the turkey farmers' face kind of says is all. "Are you actually filming this?" And the timing is almost impeccable, the synchronization with which she finishes her first answer and he finishes with the bird is almost way too good.

On the other hand, you have to give Palin a whole lot of credit. Any Governor can show up at a Turkey Pardoning (a traditional activity in the US) but it takes a media GENIUS to turn it into an international fiasco.

If anyone is wondering where they've seen this before, FFW to 4:28 in the below video. It may jog your memory...

Thursday, November 20, 2008

What a Weird Day!

Ok so this is going to be a quick little blog, but i just wanted to talk about two events yesterday, neither of them are super over the top make you scratch your head and say "huh?!" But at the same time they are not typical Wednesday occurrences.

Ok so first of all, there is this homeless guy who sits out in front of my building in a wheelchair everyday. He's a really nice guy, i've never seen him drunk, he doesn't yell at people, and alot of the people in the building have conversations with him sometimes. So every so often when i've got some loose change i send it his way. Anyways i was walking by him yesterday and he was all smiles and just starts talking to me. Here is a verbal account as best as i can remember from our exchange.

"Hey man you might have seen me yesterday sitting here playing with a watch?"

"Actually no i didn't see that, but why what's up?"

"Ok so yesterday i'm sitting here and i bought this watch off a crackhead for two bucks!"

"Oh yeah, nice, seems like a good deal, was it a nice watch?"

"Well that's the thing i bought it and I immediately went to a jeweller to get it appraised."

"And what did he tell you?"

"Well at first he told me that it might be just a knockoff, like a five dollar watch or something. But he couldn't find it in any of his books or online or anything. So he told me he'd hang onto it and find out for me. So i called him again today and he told me to come in. So i went in and you'll never guess!"

(He is literally busting and can barely talk at this point, he's so goddamn excited. He's almost trying to say words faster than his mouth can process them. And he has a little zip up pouch in his lap. And he points at it. I can't see any money in it, but i can see a little orange ticket, about the size of a business card with stuff written on it.)

"I can't see that man what does it say?"

"6500 BUCKS!"

"WHAT!?!?!"

"Yeah man, 6500 bucks it's worth! See look!"

(Again he points at the ticket, and sure enough it's a jeweller's card, with the amount written on it! He starts laughing when he sees the shocked expression on my face. At this point i consider knocking his wheelchair over and stealing the ticket)

"Man that's amazing! Congratulations, there's your meal ticket for a long long time!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHA I know I know! I'm going to go into the welfare office and when they give me my cheque i'm going to say, NO THANKS! I DON'T NEED IT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAH!!!"

"Hahaha, ok well hang onto that ticket, don't take it out of there, and don't let it out of your sight!"

"I wont man, i'm going to get it tattooed to my body!"

"You also realize now that you told me this, that i'm never going to give you any change again!"

(He has a good laugh at this, i again congratulate him on his good fortune, and head back inside)

So there you go, not your typical Wednesday afternoon story as i said, but you gotta feel good for the guy, i mean sure it sucks that someone out there lost a 6500 dollar watch, but if you have a watch that's worth that much, you're probably not strapped for cash, and the guy didn't steal it, he bought it off some "crackhead" as he put it. So hopefully he puts the money to good use.


My second story is not nearly as interesting, not even close actually, and will take maybe 30 seconds to write down. But again it's one of those things you see maybe once a year or so. After my hockey practice with my company team yesterday, i was walking back to my apartment from my car in the snow. Head down, not really paying attention, when all of a sudden, "CRUNCH!" I quickly turn around and a car had been trying to parallel park and somehow hadn't seen this other car behind him and backed right into the driver side door on an angle, and scraped the shit out of it and put a mighty dent in the door aswell. Myself and another younger guy were right there, kind of looked at each other, muttered a few, "oh shit that sucks", but we both kind of stuck around to make sure the guy didn't take off or anything. The guy got out of his car, and had one of those looks on his face that says, "Why God? Why me? Why now?" He said to us, "don't worry guys i'll take care of it," and got back in his car to move it out of the middle of the street. I turned to the other guy who was lighting up a smoke and asked him if he was going to stick around a few minutes to make sure the guy didn't take off. He said he would, and i trudged back home.

So there you go, 2 things you don't often hear or see, in one day.

Monday, November 17, 2008

The Tittie Pipe

Dexter
Sundays, 9 PM EST, on TMN

I have been fortunate enough to have watched Dexter from when it first started. I don't really remember my parents ordering TMNOD. But they did. And it was a great gift in a number of ways, not the least of which was that I got hooked right off the bat. Which is not to say I'm better than late-comers (though that's likely true). It's just to say that I've known Dexter for quite some time.

And oh the difference familiarity makes.

Last night's episode was, at least according to it's script, about the butterfly effect. About one little action setting off a string of equal reactions which, given time and circumstance crest into something bigger than you could possible imagine. And that was certainly true in Sunday's episode. Give a man a kill, and he's satisfied for a day, teach a man to kill and he can murder for a lifetime.

Other blogs have said that Dex is stupid to be sharing his carefully laid out system. I don't think so. I think he is lonely. Or rather, I think he may be stupid, but he is first and foremost lonely. He needs someone to know his darkness. He needs someone who can understand him rationally. For a man with no emotions, being loved for the sake of being loved is an odd idea. The rational mind would dictate that he must be loved for his true qualities. And he aims to have his new Best Man know those qualities. Even if they are shown in intermittent flashes of his psychosis. 

But I would say the minute to minute of this episode, while totally fucking awesome, was less important than the bigger questions of morality which, when dealt with in a subdued manner are dealt with better here than on any other show on TV. Because really Miguel isn't doing anything worse than Dexter. Is Dexter born with it? Is that why it's alright? Is Miguel just doing this to further his career as a lawyer? Is that why he seems so evil? Does it really matter?

I brought up how long I've been watching Dexter because I think it holds some weight in looking at the bigger moral questions. We, as loyal viewers, have all become complacent to Dex's murders. If he doesn't murder, we almost feel gypped. That is because we know him. And so it is interesting to see Dexter creating a new version of himself. Someone who, in theory at least, follows the code (or some of it). Someone who knows the practical aspects of it all. And yet someone who we cannot root for. 

The remainder of the plot has been derided as a bit of a foregone conclusion. Miguel murders the defense lawyer, Dex has to murder him, all is well that ends well. But I'm not so sure that is the case. I'm always excited with Dexter plots, so I will just say this: I am excited for whatever happens from here on in. But I'm mostly excited for the bigger questions that will be tackled here - namely, can Dexter find some kind of justification for what he does. Or will his half pulling him toward good and normalcy and his half pulling him further and further towards his darkness pull him apart completely?

In side story news:

Worst line of the week: "Trimmed trees! The skinner's been here!!" But on the bright side - the fear in the perp's eyes about his boss suggest that they're finally hunting a bag guy that isn't a serial killer. I mean, honestly, if there are that many in Miami alone, it kind of takes away from Dexter, doesn't it? regardless, Deb chasing an evil drug-lord (or something to that effect) is a good call. And while it could risk the B-plots going into CSI-like territory, I think the character of Deb can help steer it away from mediocrity.

Also, Angels' getting laid. Awesome.

The Monday Screw (cont'd)

So Grimes loves to tell hilarious stories from his past, but I've got a few too.

So around February of 2008 we were all heading down to Costa Rica for a little surf trip. Now this story happens to start with a little screw right off the bat: I was going down a week early, taking a full two weeks off of work and getting in a shitload of trouble for it, but it was worth it because I was going down with a good friend Mike Sackville. 

Sackville even made us change the date we were going down so he could come along. And that date was changed without anyone blinking! Well worth it to have ol' Mikey boy. Anyways, all the other gents were going down a week late, but Sackville and I were going to chill and surf and have a good time.

Did Sackville end up coming down? Oh lordy day no. So I ended up heading down to CR with nothing but a tent and sleeping bag and board for the week, waiting for the rest of the crew to show.

So naturally, looking down the pipe at a week alone, I decide that the night before I fly I should have a few drinks with the boys. 

Now back in February, Jimmy Doug Stevenson lived with us and he and Tym Frank and I used to frequent a place called Molly Bloom's on Thursday nights. $3 pints and $3 grilled cheese sandwiches with fries. And man alive were those sammiches ever fucking good! So for my last night for a couple of weeks, Molly's seemed like a good choice.

So right after work we sauntered down. And we called up some more peeps too. So by the time we were drinking, we had a good booth sized group carrying on in revelry with us. Included in that group was a lovely young woman who I was attempting to woo at the time. But that's neither here nor there - for now. So as we're consuming more and more booze and all having a good time, suddenly through the front doors come the Budweiser Air Crew (essentially just a bunch of hot babes in stewardess uniforms giving out free beer). And you'd better believe they wanted us to drink more. And so we did. And it was good. And in fact we all drank enough that by the end of the evening (closing time, around 4.5 hours before my flight was to depart) this young woman, this apple of my eye, was sufficiently inebriated to find me attractive enough to come home with.

Mmmmmmrack-POT!

Sadly, I was sufficiently inebriated that I could not physically express my affection for this young woman.

How can I put this... Whiskey Dick? Yes, that will do quite nicely. So I was a useless hunk of bastard. I passed out and around 6 hours later awoke with a splitting headache in an empty bed about 4 hours late for my flight. Shit.

It had departed. Long gone. I had fucking missed my flight.

I leapt into a cab and burned rubber to the airport. Explained that I'd been in an accident on the highway and missed my flight. They kindly put me on the next one out - the next morning at 6:45.

So I went home, licking my wounds and before falling back asleep I hoped online and posted the story you see above on Grimes' Wall (back then we were all about the Wall. And then this happened... and we had to curb our usage...).

And that was the end of that. I flew out to CR the next morning, had a great time. A week later the boys came down. And we all had a great time too! Good times all around!

When I returned I was tanned and happy. Happy because of the trip, but mostly because that little bitty I was hitting on before I left was still somewhat interested in me! Magnificent! So one night we're talking on the phone. I am likely whispering sweet nothings when she asks, "so what do you know about Facebook?"

"Facebook!! Well, you have come to the RIGHT PLACE! What do you need to know?"

"Well, you know Walls right? How many people can see a wall?"

"That depends on your security settings I guess... But pretty much just the people you know."

"Okay."

"Why?"

"Well, for example, when you wrote about us trying to have sex... How many people saw that post?"

"Oh... oh good lord...."

"Yeah... maybe in the future you can refrain from using my name and the word 'whiskey dick' in the same sentence?"*

"Uh, yeah, I think I can do that..."

It turned out that someone, someone who knew both Eric and I, someone who may or may not have been from Oakville, someone who I would have trusted had seen the post and immediately brought it to this young woman's attention. Man alive did I ever eat shit for that one. And no doubt that getting turned in for that posting was the biggest screw I've ever had put on me in my entire life.

-----------------
*editors note: the wishes of the young woman were respected from that day forth. That is why at no point have I insinuated in any way shape or form who that woman is or used her name in the same sentence as "whiskey dick"


The Monday Screw


So i'm sitting here at my desk, facing the hell of another Monday afternoon, and thinking about how bad Monday always screws me over. I mean no matter how hard I try, and how cliche it is, I just truly always hate monday so much. I didn't have a bad weekend or anything, a pretty fun one actually. And the Bills are playing tonight so that should be fun. But still Monday just always hits me like a sack of dirt from a fifth floor window. So in honor of the day that is Monday, let's look back on some awesome screws laid down by myself, on myself, or from one friend to another.


First let's have a look at rather ligthhearted awesome screw by Michael Robert Denby on me today. Michael has a lady friend, she's a very nice girl and they get along quite well. She had a friend at Mike's party on Friday. I thought the friend was quite cute too, however i didn't quite get the opportunity to talk to her, maybe out of fear, or maybe because the amount of alcohol in my veins exceeded the amount of blood. So anyways i shared this information with Mike, and he decided to share it with his lady friend with instructions to pass it on down the line to the girl in question. Did i ask him to do exactly that? Hmm.....i might have, but still. It's reminiscent of a screw i laid down on Mike way back in the day. He had a thing for Sara Spudowski, a very cute girl in our grade. So Mike asked me to call her and tell her. So in front of him, on his home phone, i did just that. "Hey Sara....it's Eric. Eric Grimes. No not him that's Eric Hoibak. Grimes. I'm in your English class. Uhh.....yeah that's right....the one that looks like he's 8 years old. You got it, thanks for that Sara. Anyways you know my friend Mike Denby? Well he likes you and he wants to know if you like him too." At this point Mike starts making frantic gestures to abort, so i find my way off the phone. Then the yelling starts. "WHY DID YOU DO THAT!" "Uh..you asked me too!" It was a great moment in screw history. Let's look at some more.


Back in the later high school years, my friend Derek Mumford took a hankering to smoking weed. Hankering is actually a bad word, underplays the love affair that was born. Derek loved weed. But it wasn't enough to just love it, Derek who is a master of all things relationship wise went all out and started constructing elaborate vessels devoted to smoking his green sticky master. And that Comfortable Mumfordable man is no slouch when it comes to handywork. Some of these contraptions were brilliant. The gas mask bong which reduced me to rubble many times was incredible. There was the triple chambered bong which when filled with ice, was oh so smooth. And the list went on. So Andrew Wade decided one day that he would like one of Mumford's creations, and decided it would be pretty awesome to have a bong made out of a forty bottle, since that was pretty much all we drank at that time, just like our idols from such films as Boyz 'n the Hood, and that other movie that i can't remember what it's called. So Mumford did as we has asked. Purchased the items he'd need to make the bong, took an old forty bottle, and built Andrew his request. Charged him a fair price too. Andrew took one look, decided he didn't really like it after all, and said no thanks. Never paid him the money, and Mumford was stuck with the bong. Haha it still repeatedly comes up in conversations to this day. A fantastic screw by young Wade.


This next one goes out to our only friend who's a father, Alain Mercieca. Now probably right now those of you that read this are thinking this has to do with Alain ditching our crew of mediocre popularity, to hang with the top dogs in high school. Well no that's not it. We forgave him for that. Cause it's hard to hold a grudge against a guy with a kid. No this is something i can never forgive him for. In Grade 5 i had a pretty considerable crush on a girl named Trina. Now being one seriously shy motherfucker there was not a chance i was going to do anything about it. Sure i knew that while the rest of us were heading to E.J. James to continue our education in the public schooling system, she was going to St. Mildred's, an all girls private school. But that didn't change anything. My mouth was staying shut. At Linbrook our desks used to be grouped in 5 or 6's, and that would be your team, and you'd get "jetons" for doing well and shit. So she was in my group, and so was Alain. So it's nearing the end of the day and all of a sudden Alain blurts out.

-"Trina......Eric has something he needs to tell you...."

-"Uh.....no i don't...."

-"Yeah he does, he wants to tell you that he really likes you!"

-"No.....no i don't...."


And then i just sat there. My face burning red. Embarassed as all hell. She was embarassed too. I think she probably figured i was one of those genius kids who's pushed ahead 4 grades. How else would you explain the sweat pants with holes in the knees everyday. I mean most normal kids had discovered denim by that point. It was brutal. Alain....i know you thought you were helping me out.....but goddamn it man a little warning maybe!?


Another good screw, that still rages on in debate nowadays again comes from the early days, myself screwing over Julien Favre, we were probably around 10. We were at his house, probably playing "Jordan vs. Bird" or "Battletoads" or something like that. Anyways we went down the hall, and the song "Everything I Do" by Bryan Adams was playing in his sister's room on the radio. Anyways Julien informed me that, "i love this song!" and then started singing along to the chorus. Now there's nothing wrong with singing along to the chorus, i mean hell i loved that song too. But just the way he sang it, and the fact that Julien was not even remotely close to being a singalong to that kind of song guy......well i was kind of standing there next to him thinking, "Hmmmm........weird....." Anyways i told all the other guys about it the next day and we had a good chuckle. And then when it came up that day in front of Julien.....HE DENIED IT! That's right he claimed it never happened. And the best part....he still claims it to this day! Yes this battle has raged back and forth now for over 15 years. Did he or did he not sing it? Well i'll let you guys decide for yourselves. (He totally did!)


Screws can come in all shapes and sizes. There was the time i tried to lay a mild screw on Mumford by kicking one of his legs into the other from behind.....and it turned into a hot and spicy screw because he tripped and landed in a puddle. There's the unintentional screw....like the time Mumford passed some unneccessary information regarding me and a female onto one of her best friends....and i caught holy hell for it! There's the everyone can enjoy it except the screwed screw, which usually involves a shot to the nuts. And of course the consistent screw, which Pearson lays on me pretty much every single day by never once being on time when we meet up for lunch. Either way monday is a great day for talking about screws, so feel free to comment on a time where you screwed, or got screwed, and we'll all have a good laugh.