Awesome

Each Friday we drum up some cool trivia and quotes about amazing movies and not-so-amazing movies (read: pilfer the extensive trivia catalogues of IMDb) as a little treat for those thousands of loyal fans who stick it out till Friday afternoon to make sure they've read every. single. one. of our postings. This week: Batman Begins

There are a lot of reasons to write about a movie. It may touch you in ways long thought inappropriate. It may make you laugh, it may make you cry. I'm writing about 2005's Batman Begins because it is Derek Mumford's favorite movie.

Just kidding, I don't give a shit about that straightbacked sumbitch. I'm writing about Batman Begins because it holds the distinct honor of rebooting a long thought to be dead franchise through returning to both the source material and the new graphic novels surrounding the characters. 2005 was a big year for that (Frank Miller's Sin City was also released) but no movie combined a relatively fringe medium with blockbuster as successfully as Batman Begins. Hailed by many (including myself) as one of the best super-hero movies ever, Batman Begins certainly deserves a spot in our coveted "Awesome" column.

BATMAN BEGINS (2005)

- Before Christopher Nolan took over, director Darren Aronofsky was attached to make a Batman movie based on the graphic novel "Batman: Year One" and have the author Frank Miller write the screenplay. By 2003 there was a first draft screenplay with story boards, which are properties of AOL Time Warner. Warner's decision for not producing the film is unknown, but based on the details that have since leaked out, it would probably have to do with the screenplay, which strayed a considerable amount from the source material, making Alfred an African-American mechanic named "Big Al," the Batmobile being a souped-up Lincoln Towncar, and Bruce Wayne being homeless, among other things. This is all detailed in David Hughes' book "Tales from Development Hell."

- The device, on the heel of his boot, that the Batman uses to summon a swarm of bats is taken directly from Frank Miller's "Batman: Year One".

- The wide-shot of the house of the League of Shadows was entirely computer-generated.

- Before Christian Bale was cast as Batman, many other actors were considered for the role, including Ashton Kutcher, David Boreanaz and newcomer Hugh Dancy.

- Only days before the role of Batman was cast, eight actors were also asked to audition for the part. The actors were Christian Bale, Joshua Jackson, Eion Bailey, Hugh Dancy, Billy Crudup, Cillian Murphy, Henry Cavill and Jake Gyllenhaal. While Bale won the part, Christopher Nolan liked Murphy's audition so much, he cast him as Dr. Jonathan Crane/The Scarecrow.

- Marilyn Manson was also considered for the role of Dr. Jonathan Crane/The Scarecrow and during earlier developments of the movie, Ewan McGregor was considered as well.

- Christian Bale lost his voice three times during filming after altering his voice while playing Batman.

- During filming of the scene where Batman is being towed by a train through the streets of Gotham, so much steam was used that it would "rain" on the cast and crew for several minutes after each take.

- The Batmobile, 9 feet wide and 16 feet long, has a top speed of 106 miles per hour and can accelerate from 0 to 60 miles per hour in 6 seconds. The engine is a 5.7 liter V8 Chevy. It runs on unleaded gas and can do about 7 miles per gallon. It has four 44-inch tires at the rear, made by Interco Tire Corp, while the front is covered in jagged plates of armor. It was designed and built by 'Chris Corbould' and Andrew Smith at Shepperton Studios in England. This Batmobile was built from the ground up and is estimated to be worth half a million pounds. It was designed by mashing together several different off-the-shelf model kits; its construction was so exacting to the model that they even duplicated the blobs of excess glue.

- Director Christopher Nolan decided that there would be no second unit, and so for the whole of the one hundred and twenty nine shooting days Nolan oversaw every shot of the film personally.

- The name of the commissioner on the film is "Loeb". However, this is NOT a reference to comic book writer Jeph Loeb, author of the graphic novels "The Long Halloween" and "Dark Victory", but rather simply the canonical name of the Gotham City police commissioner when Bruce Wayne returns to Gotham. This is shown in Frank Miller's Year One, which actually influenced both "The Long Halloween" and "Dark Victory" and was published nearly a full decade before either of these.

- David S. Goyer said that the graphic novels "The Long Halloween" and "Dark Victory" by Jeph Loeb were a huge influence on his screenplay. When he was asked the question, "What about Frank Miller's "Year One"?", he replied, "Our story is not "Year One"." An early draft of David S. Goyer's script leaked onto the Internet in April 2004.

- During the interviews he performed to promote the movie, Christian Bale continued using the American accent he'd adopted to play Bruce Wayne/Batman. He explained that he didn't want potential moviegoers to be confused about why Batman, an American institution, was being played by a Welshman.

- Christian Bale's trailer didn't have his name on the door but said "Bruce Wayne" instead.

- When the prisoners are all released from Arkham, briefly visible is Mr. Zsaz, a serial killer from the comics with tally marks scarred into his skin, representing each of his victims. Mr. Zsaz also appears in the courtroom in the beginning of the film where he is being transferred to Arkham Asylum by Dr. Crane.

- Contrary to the previous Batman films, in which the Batcave was realized as a combination of a live set and matte paintings (done either by hand or computer), no visual effects were used in this film to show the Batcave. The entire Batcave is instead a massive full-scale set.

- The score track names refer to Latin names of bat species. Also notice that the first letters of tracks 4-9 spell B A T M A N.

- Christian Bale had previously screen tested and was considered for the role of Robin in Batman Forever (1995).

- In the movie, Bruce Wayne is shown arriving at a fancy hotel in a Lamborghini Murciélago. The word "murciélago" is Spanish for bat (although the car itself was named after a prized bull owned by Don Antonio Miura, who had nothing to do with bats).

- Arnold Schwarzenegger stopped by at one of the sets during filming.

- The sets were built in the Admiralty Hangar No. 2 at Cardington, one of the largest hangars in the world. The floor area is the size of 16 Olympic-size swimming pools. The No. 2 shed was assembled at the site in 1928 to house the British airship R100.

- A full city block of Gotham - much of it based on the slums of Kowloon in Hong Kong which were torn down in 1994 - was built in the hangar.

- The license plates for the Gotham related cars were designed in the same style as the Illinois state license plates. This was done to stay consistent with other vehicle license plates while filming the car chases in Chicago.

- Ra's Al Ghul is Arabic for "The Demon's Head". This refers to his position at the height of the Brotherhood of the Demon, also called the League of Shadows.

- A quote from Christian Bale that some of the crew had on the back of their t-shirts (the wardrobe department did it as a joke) said: "It's hot, dark and sweaty and it gives me a headache."

- Chris Cooper turned down the role of James Gordon.

- Kurt Russell and Dennis Quaid were considered for the role of James Gordon.

- Viggo Mortensen turned down Liam Neeson's role. Daniel Day-Lewis was also approached.

- Anthony Hopkins was offered the role of Alfred but declined.

- Laurence Fishburne was considered for the role of Lucius Fox.

- The title went through many changes. First, it was known as "Batman 5". It became "Batman: The Frightening" for a while. To prevent script leaks, they were titled "Intimidation Game" to throw off the public, before settling on "Batman Begins".

- Filming was temporarily delayed on the London soundstage due to the sound of amorous pigeons in the rafters above.

- The crime boss Carmine "The Roman" Falcone was a character from the comics. He was Gotham City's last "old school" gangster. He was killed, and his empire wiped out, when Batman's familiar rogues gallery came into prominence.

- On the set, the costumed Christian Bale constantly had two people trailing him to keep the Batsuit smudge-free.

- On a converted parking lot at Shepperton, the film crew built an entire village of trailers where chemists and costume artists made neoprene-and-foam-latex Batsuits. The place was dubbed "Cape Town."

- The script was written by David S. Goyer in the seven weeks before he was due to direct Blade: Trinity (2004), which he also wrote. Director Christopher Nolan took over the writing chores from there.

- While shooting on the streets of Chicago, a person accidentally crashed into the Batmobile. The driver was apparently drunk, and said he hit the car in a state of panic, believing the Dark Knight's vehicle to be an invading alien spacecraft.

- David S. Goyer mentioned in an interview that his favorite pre-audition choice for Batman was Jake Gyllenhaal, but that he was won over by Christian Bale after seeing his test.

- While filming in Lower Wacker Drive, in Chicago, Illinois, the filmmakers were so concerned for the care of the Batmobile, that they told the stunt driver to take as much time as he needed to make any move. Therefore, when it came time to back the Batmobile up, they went so slow as to cause traffic jams that had to be reported on the news. Simply moving the Batmobile around Chicago took numerous police as well as caused traffic jams where ever they went.

- Before the shooting began, Christopher Nolan invited the whole film crew to a private screening of Blade Runner (1982). After the film he said to the whole crew, "This is how we're going to make "Batman"."

- Christopher Nolan wrote in the character Rachel Dawes with Katie Holmes in mind. No other actresses were in serious consideration; it was hers to lose.

- Unlike most characters on the movie, Rachel Dawes, played by Katie Holmes, doesn't exist in "Batman" or any other DC Comics' series. She was created by director Christopher Nolan and screenwriter David S. Goyer.

- The "daylight" coming through the windows of Wayne Manor was created by a single 100,000-watt floodlight which weighed nearly 400 pounds.

- At the time of this film's release, Forbes Magazine did a breakdown of how much it would actually cost to become Batman. The magazine estimated that total expenses in US dollars would be around $3.5 million.

- The gun Bruce Wayne tosses in the river is a Brazilian six-shot Taurus.

- All the big name cast members were initially not told that the movie was a Batman movie as the script they were sent was titled "The Intimidation Game". Michael Caine commented that when he first saw the title, he assumed the script was some kind of gangster movie.

- A pair of Batman pajama bottoms can be seen hanging from the line in the scene where Batman talks to the little boy in the Narrows.

- Since Alfred's sense of duty and loyalty towards Bruce Wayne reminded him of the comradeship that exists in the military, Sir Michael Caine based his character's voice on that of a colonel he knew when he was in the army as an 18-year-old.

- The key "combination" that Bruce plays on the piano to open the secret entrance to the Bat Cave is comprised of three, two-note chords, starting three octaves above middle-C. The keys he presses are D-E, D-E (up an octave), and G-A. However, the tones heard in the soundtrack are actually a half-step down from the correct tones for the notes he plays. This may simply be a post-production soundtrack adjustment or variance, but could also be that the piano was tuned a half-step down, which is sometimes done on older pianos to reduce the 18-20 tons of string tension stress on their framing.

- Larry Wachowski and Andy Wachowski were approached to direct, and even wrote their own treatment based on Frank Miller's graphic novel "Batman: Year One", but turned down the offer and made the Matrix sequels instead.

- Broke opening weekend box office record for IMAX theaters.

- For the IMAX version, some of the theatres running older IMAX equipment, the credits for the movie wouldn't fit on the platters. IMAX and the theatres had to get special permission from Warner Brothers to show the movie without the credits.

- During production, DC Comics commissioned well known Batman artists to give their interpretation of the Dark Knight. The results were shown to Christopher Nolan and the cast to help give them a better idea of where the comic artists were coming from. Among the artists were James Jean, Jock, Tommy Lee Edwards and John Paul Leon.

- Early work on the script and the production design was conducted in the back of Christopher Nolan's garage. During the writing process, Nolan and David S. Goyer sometimes took walks near the site of the original Batcave from "Batman" (1966).

- Due to his part in Maquinista, El (2004) (aka The Machinist), Christian Bale was vastly underweight (about 120 pounds on his 6 foot+ frame) when he was under consideration for the part. After being cast, he was told to become as "big as you could be" by Christopher Nolan. Bale underwent a dietary and exercise regimen and ending up weighing about 220 pounds (about 40 pounds above his normal weight). It was decided that Bale had became too large (friends of his on the film's crew dubbed him "Fatman") and he quickly shed about 20 pounds to have leaner, more muscular frame.

- Alfred's last name is Pennyworth.

- When Christian Bale and Liam Neeson were fighting on the frozen lake they could hear the ice cracking beneath their feet. The next day, the lake was completely melted.

- Production designer Nathan Crowley said that the design of the Batmobile was largely influenced from the design seen in Frank Miller's graphic novel "The Dark Knight Returns". The incarnation of the Batmobile was given the nickname "The Tumbler" by both filmmakers and Miller.

- Director Christopher Nolan is reputed to have been so fascinated with Cillian Murphy's bright blue eyes, that he kept trying to find reasons/ways to have Crane remove his glasses.

- In fact, Nolan was so fascinated that originally he didn't want to give Scarecrow a mask. Finally screenwriter David S. Goyer was able to talk him into it.

- Wayne Tower is based on the Chicago Board of Trade Building.

- The name of Arkham Asylum is inspired by the works of H.P. Lovecraft.

- The Gotham Police cruisers' color scheme is based on that of the New York Police Department. Gotham is meant by Bob Kane to be a caricature of New York City.

- In an interview with Moviefone, Christian Bale said that he became interested in playing Batman after a friend of his loaned him the graphic novel "Arkham Asylum" in 2000. After he read it, he told his agent that if anyone was making another Batman movie, he wanted in.

- The 2006 Forbes Fictional 15 ranks Bruce Wayne as the 7th richest fictional character with a net worth of approximately $6.8 billion.

- Batman's journey to Tibet, and his ninja training, were both elements introduced into the comic book by writer James Owsley in Batman #431 (March, 1989). The series editor, Denny O'Neil, made the issue part of the Batman Writers Bible that he would hand out to each new writer on the series, thus confirming the story's place in canon.

- According to DC Comics, Batman stands 6'2" and weighs 210 lbs. Christian Bale stands 6'0-1/2" (according to his IMDB profile) and at the time of filming weighed 210 lbs.

- There is no reference in Batman Begins to Ra's Al Ghul having any daughters; however, his daughter Talia is mentioned in the novelization by Ra's & Talia's creator Dennis O'Neil.

- The opera that young Bruce attends with his parents is "Mefistofele", composed in the mid-1800s by Arrigo Boito.

- The average length of a shot is 1.9 seconds.

- Instances with just one or two bats in the shot (such as the single bat gone astray inside Wayne's mansion) uses real bats, but each scene with a flock of bats had to be done using CG bats, since it was decided too difficult to control that many bats at once.

- Both Tim Burton and Michael Keaton, from Batman (1989), have said they were impressed by this film.

- Producer Larry J. Franco has a cameo as a Police Officer during the chase sequence.

- Director Christopher Nolan's uncle John Nolan has a cameo as the birthday party guest who tells Bruce Wayne that "the apple has fallen very far from the tree."

- "Batman" is said only 10 times throughout the film.

- Much of Batman's gear and apparel, including his cape and suit, is based on actual military technology. The cape was made with a technique called electrostatic flocking, taught to the crew by the British Ministry of Defense and normally used to decrease the night-vision visibility of objects. Nylon parachute fabric was brushed with glue and covered with fine hair-like material. An electrostatic current was then passed under the material, creating a dark sheen while maintaining the billowing appearance.

*SPOILERS* 

- The calling card the Joker leaves is a replica of the Joker Card from the 1989 graphic novel "Arkham Asylum".

- In the shot of the newspaper. the story about Bruce Wayne's mansion burning down is credited to Julie Ochipinti, the name of the movie's assistant set decorator.

- The Joker playing card presented to Batman at the end of the film carries an evidence label, this label reads that the officer who discovered it was a J. Kerr.

Monkeys Rule

Yesterday in my LSAT class we were doing a question, and it surrounded the idea that 

"humans are no better than apes at picking stocks in the stock market. A recent study involving 5 stock analysts and one ape showed that after 1 month, the ape had increased it's portfolio by $120. The highest increase of the group. The top analyst only increased their portfolio by $100." 

And man did I ever start laughing. At first I wanted to be quiet but you know the harder you try to stay quiet, the harder you laugh. I mean, just imagine a monkey working hard at a desk, crunching numbers, and Pearson and Favre sitting at their desks across from it, so frustrated by how hard it's kicking their asses. Brilliant.

Anyways, monkeys rule.

Farewell to Georgie!!

George Bush, the 43rd President of the United States gave his farewell address last night. I was on the phone with my mom who said (a la Richard Nixon) that we'll miss GWB once he's gone because we won't have anyone to scapegoat anymore.

Now I tend to agree with my mother on a lot of political issues. As a Conservative, I think she offers a perspective that I wouldn't often consider, and in doing so she usually opens up my opinions on a topic to include both the left and the right. But I have to say that when you look at Georgie's farewell speech and compare it to Clinton's in 2001 you are reminded of two things: 1) the power of the collective memory - Nixon is still as despised as ever, Clinton loved, for example - and of course 2) the level of severity with which Bush screwed up. Now I'm typically not a Bush-basher. I actually think he's a brilliant politician and a brilliant strategist (in accomplishing his own goals mind you... He just seems bad at it if your goals differ from his). But every 4 years in January, we have a chance to look back, and Bush's speech last night, when compared to Clinton's assurance in 2001 that if we stayed on his economic course we would be debt free by the end of the decade (2009), really silenced most of my positive compliments for George Bush. He was a great politician, but a terrible President and he will not be missed.

George Bush, 2009, explaining how things went south:

Bill Clinton, 2001, explaining how things can keep going well:

Things that are Always Funny!

A few days ago i started thinking about a new post. And then kind of stopped thinking about it. So then today i started thinking about it today, and i thought i'd just list a few things that are always funny. And always will be. Things that will just never really wear off and will always slay me. As always people will comment afterwards saying, "I can't believe you forgot about this! You think this is funny!" And i'll say, "SHUT UP! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP ALRIGHT! I don't know what i'm doing, i don't know where i'm going. My dad just died, we just killed Bambi, and everytime i drive down the road i want to jerk the wheel into a GODDAMN BRIDGE EMBUNKMENT!" Now that we got that out of the way, to the funny things. (P.s. that was a quote from Tommy Boy, my dad is fine and i didn't kill a deer. I also only sometimes want to jerk the wheel into a bridge embunkment.)

Farts: DUH! Obviously number one on the list. Whenever you see a review of a childish movie, typically the ones i enjoy, it's always like, "if you like stupid comedy and fart jokes then you should see this." Well there's a reason fart jokes are used so often, it's cause they're funny. For so many different reasons. Sometimes they're super loud and come out of nowhere and we can all have a good laugh. Sometimes they're silent killers that no one sees coming, and all of a sudden you hear one person scream "OH GOD!" and then the perpetrator immediately starts giggling away. Sometimes the noise they make couldn't be duplicated by any known instrument besides the ass flute. I always remember Dave Denby telling me about his legendary fart that he said sounded like this, "Duuuuuuuuuuuuueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee........POP!" Not sure how that's possible, but i definitely believe it. And of course sounds and smells are good. But what are all young boys fascinated with from an early age? The answer is fire. And the fact that you can actually light a fart on fire. The fact that you can hold a lighter up to your bum, let one rip, and expel a blue flame from your ass? Well that will never not be funny. I'm sorry it just won't.

People Getting Hurt/Falling Down: Shout out to Nina for throwing this in her "Things that are Amazing" comment. Now don't get me wrong, if i see someone get cranked by a car or something, i'm probably not going to laugh, i might even try and help them. But anyone who says they don't laugh when they see someone get their bike tire caught in a street car track is a liar. I think i could sit on youtube all day and watch videos of people hilariously getting rocked. Which is why i think someone should follow Mike Denby around with a video camera. For some reason he always sees these things happen. Things that happened years ago involving friends getting hurt still make me laugh. Like when Colin tried to jump the sign in Daytona and caught his feet. Or Favre becoming a delicous oven baked human pretzel in Grade 8. Judge all you want, but i dare you to watch "Grape Stomping Lady" on youtube and not laugh. Her little dance right before she tries to step out of the bucket. Her fall. Her strange sounding groans on the ground. And of course when they send it back to the newsroom, and you get the reactions of her coworkers in the studio.

Spit Takes: Wouldn't have remembered this one if it wasn't for Kitzy. But truly there is nothing better than when you're hanging out with your buddies, in pretty much any situation, someone's taking a big sip of their drink, and they either slightly choke, or someone kills them with a zinger at just the right moment, and then, "Ptttttttttttttthhhhhhhhhhhbbbbbbbbbbbbbttttttttth!!" There drink is no longer in their mouth, and it's usually covering someone else. My most famous spit take occurred at one of Matt Taylor's famous backyard BBQ's in O.A.C. I piled a whole bunch of ritz crackers in my mouth, and was trying to chew them. (Speaking of which, putting way too many crackers in your mouth should be on this list) Anyways so the novelty of the joke wore off, and i just wanted to swallow those delicious crackers. So i took a sig ol' bwig of a beer, and uh oh....started to choke. Now i partially blame those around me for not recognizing the enormity of the situation. Mouth full of crackers and beer....sure just stand there and enjoy you turdburglars. So yeah, Mount Grimesius exploded and sprayed a couple shirtless people (it was a pool party!) with ritz cracker mush all over them. Wouldn't trade that memory for anything in the world.

Other things that might only be funny to me, Mike Denby and the wonderful world of brown town. Julien Favre and his abo impressions, "WHAAAAA? COME HERE!!!!!" Derek Mumford getting far too excited over an amazing joke he's about to drop, and stuttering as he says it, resulting in us laughing way harder than we probably would have at the actual joke. Dave Palmer baking pound cake since 2006. Alex Kitz saying "beep beep boop beep boop". Colin Pearson making a joke involving anyone's mom or sister. Conor Bell becoming super agro when he gets way too hammed and ripping random people on the street. Dillon Casey pretending to jam a samurai sword through his own stomach. And plenty more.

Funny things are funny, so tell me something that always takes you down!

It's Friday!!

Well all, let's keep our fingers crossed that we get through today better than this guy:

Science!! Blowing You Mind Since '89

I had wanted to write a Science update once a week when we started this blog, and now I think I have a good enough cache of Science magazines to find some real winners, so at the risk of saturating the blog today here is the inaugural post for "Science!!"

From The New Scientist, January 15th, 2009

DRIVING through the countryside south of Hanover, it would be easy to miss the GEO600 experiment. From the outside, it doesn't look much: in the corner of a field stands an assortment of boxy temporary buildings, from which two long trenches emerge, at a right angle to each other, covered with corrugated iron. Underneath the metal sheets, however, lies a detector that stretches for 600 metres.

For the past seven years, this German set-up has been looking for gravitational waves - ripples in space-time thrown off by super-dense astronomical objects such as neutron stars and black holes. GEO600 has not detected any gravitational waves so far, but it might inadvertently have made the most important discovery in physics for half a century.

For many months, the GEO600 team-members had been scratching their heads over inexplicable noise that is plaguing their giant detector. Then, out of the blue, a researcher approached them with an explanation. In fact, he had even predicted the noise before he knew they were detecting it. According to Craig Hogan, a physicist at the Fermilab particle physics lab in Batavia, Illinois, GEO600 has stumbled upon the fundamental limit of space-time - the point where space-time stops behaving like the smooth continuum Einstein described and instead dissolves into "grains", just as a newspaper photograph dissolves into dots as you zoom in. "It looks like GEO600 is being buffeted by the microscopic quantum convulsions of space-time," says Hogan.

If this doesn't blow your socks off, then Hogan, who has just been appointed director of Fermilab's Center for Particle Astrophysics, has an even bigger shock in store: "If the GEO600 result is what I suspect it is, then we are all living in a giant cosmic hologram." [Ed. Note: WHAAAAAA!?!]

"If the GEO600 result is what I suspect it is, then we are all living in a giant cosmic hologram."

The idea that we live in a hologram probably sounds absurd, but it is a natural extension of our best understanding of black holes, and something with a pretty firm theoretical footing. It has also been surprisingly helpful for physicists wrestling with theories of how the universe works at its most fundamental level.

The holograms you find on credit cards and banknotes are etched on two-dimensional plastic films. When light bounces off them, it recreates the appearance of a 3D image. In the 1990s physicists Leonard Susskind and Nobel prizewinner Gerard 't Hooft suggested that the same principle might apply to the universe as a whole. Our everyday experience might itself be a holographic projection of physical processes that take place on a distant, 2D surface.

The "holographic principle" challenges our sensibilities. It seems hard to believe that you woke up, brushed your teeth and are reading this article because of something happening on the boundary of the universe. No one knows what it would mean for us if we really do live in a hologram, yet theorists have good reasons to believe that many aspects of the holographic principle are true...

to continue reading, click here

Awesome

So it's no secret that everyone tied to the 2001 surprise hit The Fast & The Furious has fallen on some rough times. People didn't like Vin Diesel as much as I generally do, the franchise was cursed with watered down sequels and we saw Paul Walker all wasted and useless outside of Biftek one night (not good, everyone knows you should pass out in front of a cooler place so at least people think you got bombed somewhere classy...).

But it looks like the drought for both the franchise and these actors is about to come to a close with this follow-up to the already amazing teaser trailer that was released today.

You Just Want to Shake'm!!

So somehow Eric manages to do this kind of post every other day, while it usually takes me a month or two to save up comments I want to make to the outside world. But apparently I was particularly blessed this morning, noticing not one, not two, but three things that left we really wanting to shake the person and say, "why!?"

#1 Classy Hot Girl Smoking & Drinking Tim Hortons Coffee

Now I should start off by clarifying that I don't think smoking is unattractive or attractive. I'm really neither here nor there about it. I prefer if Grimes doesn't smoke because (a) it means I'm stuck all on my own for 8-10 minutes every three hours and (b) because if he dies I'm really screwed. But for almost everyone else in the population - go nuts. And Timmy Ho's!? Man alive do I ever love that stuff. Tim Hortons is probably the only place in the world that makes me so happy that I don't mind that not a single cashier speaks even remotely passable english anymore  or that the store is always full of crazies.

*side note: last night I was accosted by a crazy man in line for coffee who explained how he only ate tuna fish, and would wait till the day before it expired, and then buy all the tins at a severely marked down price along with soon to be expired mayonnaise, mix up the tuna fish salad and spread it into an ice tray. Then, every night, he would just pop out two cubes of tuna fish salad, defrost it for a few minutes and spread it on. Actually not a bad idea at all now that I've written it down, but you have to understand that he was this scraggly old man with no teeth and dirt all over his face. THEN, when I finally got to the front of the line, I ordered the sandwich meal - I was there before class, so I was picking up my dinner - and the guy asked me what side I wanted. I asked for a cookie so he went over to the display, got me the white macadamia nut that I so craved and then turned around and looked at me, like "what else?" So I asked for another. And he looked back again, "what else?" Uh... Another one? Done. And again, "what else?" I guess 4 should be enough. Hell of a deal I thought, I only got one last time I ordered the meal. Of course the $4.70 meal came out to $9.20. "That seems a bit steep, doesn't it?" I asked. "You order FOUR cookies!!" Eugh.... It was the classic, "AND THEN..." But I digress...*

But when you put danking and Timmy's coffee together, it's not a pretty sight. Even paint and plaster covered dudes in work boots and jumpsuits look pretty damn rough sitting out in the cold having a Tim Hortons coffee and an Export Gold. So you can imagine my surprise as I turned the corner onto Queen St. from Bathurst and there was this glamorous woman - looked like a ruskie - with beautiful expensive boots, skinny jeans, an expensive jacket and a big expensive fur hat (think Costanza's) sensually smoking this long cigarette, and then taking a big haul from an extra large double double. There isn't a Tim Hortons in almost 3 miles of that intersection!! So you know she was really after that T.H.! It was stunning what a difference that coffee cup made. It was like when you see a slim bittie from behind who looks all hipstered-out and awesome, and then she turns around and she's a 60 year-old heroine addict with make-up smeared across her face like she never washed off her Joker costume after halloween. GAH! GAH! It feels like you should cough up a fur ball. That's what I wanted do to do when I saw the woman this morning. She was in front of a Starbucks!! Get a fancy drink!! I don't even like Starbucks, but I know this: if you're willing to spend $500 on a russian fur hat, buy a fucking latté!!

#2 iPod on Shuffle

Of course I listen to my iPod on shuffle all the time. Because it's your iPod! But while I was walking to work it really struck me just how dangerous this can be. I know people who just toss their iPod on willy nilly in public places. PUBLIC PLACES!! You don't know what could pop on! Hanson. "MmmBop." Good song? GREAT SONG! But you don't want that playing by accident. I recall one occasion, it was summer in Montreal. A time for lovers. I was living at 68 Duluth, just east of St. Laurent in this great apartment that had a deck out front that was mostly for my roommate and awesome friend Adam Conter, and a deck in back that looked over a tiny courtyard shared by the six apartments in this tiny building. If you sat on the back deck, the window to my room was only a few short feet away, and on warm nights you could sit out there, look up at the sky, listen to some tunes and enjoy life. 

One night I was up there with a totally bodacious babe - although obviously not as bodacious or babely as my current girlfriend, who may or may not be reading this... - and, as young bucks and buckettes are wont to do, we were smooching a bit, sharing some drinks, taking in the stars and listening to some tunes. All of a sudden, the opening riff to, "If I Had A Million Dollars." Game over.

"Is this Barenaked Ladies?"

"BNL? Uh... I don't know... I - I don't think..."

"It is! Isn't this that Million Dollar song?"

"Uh, maybe..."

"Huh...."

And that was the end of that. We stopped smooching, she suddenly remembered that she had an early morning the next day and had to leave, and I ended up being stuck with half a case of PBR and a few more hours of moonlight. Luckily I took advantage of the moonlight and gave those PBRs a good home.

I recall another occasion, a Wednesday, and I was studying with a girl who I had hooked up with the night before at Café Campus' 80s Night. I'd known her in Rez where we'd lived the year before and we got along really well. I thought she was very attractive (she was) and so the next day, I really wanted to make a proper push to see if something was there.

We were sitting around, diligently working, talking every once in a while, and listening to my iPod (on shuffle) and suddenly The Police came on. "Message in a Bottle". And I said, thinking out loud, "Eugh, sorry about this - I'm so sick of The Police, I feel like I'm saturated with these songs..." And she asked,

"Who?"

"The Police."

"Who?"

"The Police.... Sting?"

A puzzled look.

"The Police... we were at 80s night LAST NIGHT! Certainly you know one of the most influential bands of that decade."

"Nope."

"NOPE!? WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'NOPE!'"

"I don't know them."

"You don't know The Police? Syncronicity? It sold 8 MILLION records in the US alone!!"

"Sorry..."

"No... No, it's.... It's okay..."

And that was the end of that. Shuffle can mend you life / But shuffle can break your heart.

#3 The Unicycler

I'm probably the only person who is confronted by this - unless the whole world is going to complete shit faster than I'd originally thought... Every day on my walk to work there's this skinny little hipster kid - maybe 16 or so - who wears super slick clothes, keeps fashionably tussled hair, and rides a unicycle to school. Or sorry, did I not emphasize that enough? HE RIDES A FUCKING UNICYCLE!!! Now if it were a calm sunny Sunday in the middle of June and I saw a kid unicycle past me I'd either not care at all (very likely) or at least acknowledge that it was nice that a kid was having a good constructive time on a sunny summer day (possible, but much less likely). But it's a Canadian winter! If it's snowing, no problem. You'd better believe that there's one lonely track, writhing it's way up the Bathurst sidewalk. -25? there he is, just rubbing his hands together and looping up the street. And it's not like he's burning either. It's not like a guy on a bike who you feel sorry for, but  know that at least he'll be out of the cold sooner than you. This kid is struggling!! I want to grab him. I want to grab him and shake him and yell, "YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS!!" I want to shake him till that emo glaze recedes from his eyes. Shake him till he makes that awesome involuntary noise that people make when they're being shaken; yoi-yoi-yoi-yoi. "SNAP OUT OF IT YOU GOOFY BASTARD!!" Just walk. Just for a month! That's all. Wait till the snow melts. Till it's above zero degrees. Wait till you can hear birds again. Wait till this looks like a fun constructive pastime, not like the escape plan for a lunatic clown child.

But sometimes you have to acknowledge that no matter how hard you shake a person - sometimes they just don't get it.

Festivus : The Airing of Grievances

Welcome, new comers. The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you're gonna hear about it!

Ok so maybe it's a little late for Festivus, i mean the holiday season has come and gone, but i feel i didn't properly air all my grievances about you fucks, so now you're going to hear about it, Frank Costanza had a good thing going, and i aim to follow up on it.

Mike Denby: Hmmm.....where to begin. Maybe with a little reminiscing? I can remember one time at McGill, i was in peel pub and this really hot girl comes and sits down next to me. Let's jump to my thoughts. "Ok Eric....you can do this....you've got the upper hand she sat down with YOU! Bring it on baby girl, it's times for some Grimes." But she says, "so your friend.....what's with the mullet? I mean he's so hot and everything, why does he cut his hair that way? Anyways could you let him know i'm interested?" GOD FUCKIN DAMMIT! I love you Mike, but you're beautiful, i know it, you know it, every girl knows it, it's time to accept it. Another reminiscing moment, same bar. A girl known to all of us as "Hot Laura" walks up to Michael. She starts talking to him. He appears disinterested. We're all watching from our table stunned. "No way!" "That's Hot Laura!" "She's so hot!" "I gotta go to the bathroom!" A few minutes later he walks back to our table with a small piece of paper, her phone number is written on it, he throws it down on the table and says "anyone want this?" Hahah in all honesty that's a pretty money move, the kid's in the game for love, not for action, but still, it's a grievance.

Derek Mumford: No brainer here. We begged and pleaded with Mumford. Please move back to Toronto. All the boys are here, we miss the Comfort and it's not good enough to see you two weeks a year. I don't think the Comfort was enjoying Calgary so finally he made the move. And now? He hasn't had a job in about 8 months, he looks terrific, he's going out with a fantastic young woman, he's got a great apartment.....quite frankly Mumford you're pissing me off cause you're pimping it too hard. So i think it's about time you at least got a job cause this whole jealousy thing isn't suiting me.

Julien Favre: We'll see what happens. Julien's a fantastic young man. Very European. But he has a habit. The habit is telling me that "we'll see what happens". Typical convo.

Eric: Yo so you want to hang out tomorrow night?

Julien: We'll see what happens.

Eric: We can watch the Habs game, maybe have a couple beers.

Julien: We'll see what happens.

Eric: Its going to be a good one man, i just kind of was hoping you could let me know, cause if not i'll make some other plans.

Julien: We'll see what happens.

Eric: Ok sweet thanks man.

Colin Pearson: I pride myself on trying to come up with clever jokes once in a while. Sometimes it works out, often it doesn't. Colin however? Well there's a few we all remember. Like the one in Costa Rica.

Colin: Hey guys who am I? (Colin rubs his arm back and forth in the area of his mouth)

Us: Uh....no idea.

Colin: Mark Grimes!

Us: Huh?

Colin: I'm flossing with my arm! Cause i'm skinny!

Us: Burst out laughing.

You see there in lies the problem. In all honesty that was one of the most terrible jokes possibly ever said. Yet we all laughed harder than at anything i've ever spit out. Want another example?

Colin: What's Mumford up to today?

Eric: Apparently he's getting some EKG test done or something.

Colin: Probalby the only reason he's getting it done is cause he thought it had something to do with Donkey Kong Racing!

Eric: Silence. Followed by a burst of laughter.

Did that make any sense at all? First off why would he think it had anything to do with Donkey Kong Racing? I mean to start, Donkey Kong Racing isn't even a game! Doesn't exist! Secondly what does that have to do with an EKG test? Cause they both have a K in them? So Colin, stop getting so many damn laughs, it's pissing me off.

Alex Kitz: Alright Kitzy.....straight up....just tell me.....do you have some sort of time saving device? Like that thing from Harry Potter? You work full time, you're taking classes for your LSAT's, you're writing applications for law school, you have a girlfriend, you're putting in work for Michael Ignatieff and the Liberal party, you work out on an elliptical trainer (i'm still up 24 minutes though), you party hard on the weekends, you manage to watch every fuckin TV show that exists, and read every fuckin article on the internet, and you still find the time to be impeccably dressed sometimes even with a bowtie. I mean i don't get it? I truly don't understand. How is this possible? Between my job.....and well.....nothing....i barely have time for anything else. So stop being such a young upstart gogetter, it's really fuckin pissing me off.

Make Your Exit - Ok we get it, you're in a band, you practice 2512 hours a week, you send out 45289 facebook advertisements a fortnight, guess what, i go to every fuckin show anyways. My best friend is your guitar player. So take me off the fuckin mailing list cause you know what, even if i don't get that "hey guys....what's up it's make your exit! Your favorite indy band! We're playing 765900 shows this week can you make it?" message, i'll probably still be there. Fuckin hell you guys are REALLY pissing me off. (P.S. they really are pretty fuckin sick!)

Doug Stevenson + Mike Sackville: Oh those out Easterners. Different way of life out there. Clocks? Watches? Cell Phones? What are those? Never heard of 'em sorry guys. Unfortunatley i have no idea what it means when you say that i should meet you there when "dat dem dere sunny thing is 'bout halfway up in the sky." Here's a lovely conversation doug and I had last year via text message.

Eric: Ok so we'll meet for some beers at 5 p.m. at the Loose Moose before the Jays game?

Doug: Yeah sounds perfect bro, me and Snackville will seeya there!

Eric: Ok make sure you show man, cause the later you guys are, the longer i have to stay at work which i really don't want to do.

Doug: You got it man!

5p.m. comes and goes.

Eric: Doug where the hell are you?

Doug: Skateboarding with Sackville. Why?

Boy that really pissed me off.

Last but not least we've come to the person who pissed me off the most this year.

Eric Grimes: Holy fuckin shit where do i even start with this piece of work? I mean how do you air grievances when grievances are all you have? There's not a single positive thing i could say about this dicknose. Personal hygiene? Disgusting. Sense of Humor? Revolting. Social Skills? Non-Existant. Hey Eric when was the last time you got laid? Was Clinton still president? There should be a law against you. The Grimesian Ordinance. Thou shalt not be Grime. You should be in jail.

Thus concludes this year's airing of grievances, believe me there's alot more of you out there that pissed me off, but this is all i had time for.

The Workin' Man

by Mumford (guest writer)

Yesterday I had one of the most satisfying feelings of accomplishment I've had since building a picnic table at Eric's place. It was the feeling of an honest days work. Yes that's right after 8 months and 12 days I was working again. I know what you're thinking? Is everything as it should be now? Do I have one less reason to hate Mumford? or did he just say 'was'? Ya I said it. It actually turns out the only thing that can trump an honest days work is quitting that work. So this morning I sit in my p.j.'s writing this blog about ready to crawl right back into my nice warm bed. So if you didn't hate me before I sure bet you will now.

As for those who knew of the upcoming work date of mine and said "you'll be done after a week!" please stop giving me so much credit and at the same time underestimating the benifits of unemployment. Now for those concurrently typing out letters of resignation while reading this (*cough* Grimes *cough*) just relax at least you're making some good coin versus inhaling dust and mold while freezing your ass off for $10/hr (ps-my back hurts too, Surprise!)

I'm going to assume this one day of effort won't count as work since I won't be getting paid (asked not too since the guy's real awesome and I'm a lazy jerk) which means that the dream of the full year off is still intact and that Pat Waind won't be getting his McDonald's combo (bet between us for who gets a real job first). Also here I'd like to give Pat a little shout out as he's a day shy of 9.5 months unemployed now himself. Well done brother never knew you had it in you.

So what's the plan now? Nicaragua in 5 weeks! Until then some swimming to get ready, catching up on tv shows like OZ and 30 Rock, playing with my new Wii, and of course reading the Cronic-WHAT!-cles of Gritz which I have disappointedly stopped doing since Christmas (Grimes will believe it when he sees it, or when I comment for the first time. I didn't even know you could do that!)

The Most Amazing Things Ever

Sometimes in life there are certain things that just bring you more pleasure than a normal person can almost stand. Things that make you whisper to yourself....."too good.....too good!" They're different for each person of course, cause everyone is wired differently and everyone takes pleasure in different things. So i'm just going to write some things down here that bring me entirely too much pleasure. I'll try not to let it get weird. No promises.

Clementines - are you kidding me? Are these things not absolutely ridiculous or what? I mean how the hell does a fruit taste this good? These things are like candy. Although it is possible to get a bad batch, for the most part, they really tear shit up.

Outdoor Hockey - a gift from the gods. Playing outdoor at Hairy Gairey park at Dundas and Bathurst, on a cold but not too cold night right after a flood. The ice is insanely fast, there are no fights, no arguments, just a bunch of people who want to play hockey zipping around. You'd think with no goalies, and no raising the puck, it would be less fun, but you would be wrong.

Dairy Queen Blizzards - These do not get nearly enough credit. Not even close. Ice cream all blended up mixed with chocolate or whatever the hell you want to put in there. I think the devil steals part of your soul everytime you get one as payment for giving you something so sinful. Maybe that's why i get one like twice a year. Just don't turn it upside down before you give it to me ok? Like i know it probaby won't fall out.....but if it does i'm going to fuckin kill you!

EA Sports NHL games for Xbox - Every year i think the same thing. How are they going to make it better? How are they going to change it? They're going to fuck it up aren't they? And then i play it. And the first game i think...."it's alright". The second game...."actually that's kind of cool!" The third game...."how did they come up with that?" And finally the fourth game i just whip it out and have a tug. I only really play by myself Saturday or Sunday mornings before my bro's awake....that's my special time, wouldn't trade it for anything.

Concentrated Orange Juice - I prefer it to Tropicana or whatever else you can buy in a carton. Give me the little can full of frozen goodness, and then 3 cans of water and you've got a happy man. Bonus points for filling a glass and putting it in the freezer, couple hours later you got yourself an orange juice slushy, i ain't shittin' ya!

Derek Mumford's nicknames - Derek has had more nicknames over the years, then i have had sexual partners. Which to be honest really isn't too hard to do, but still. Catscan, Long Arms Bluntford, The Weedman, The Shivering Ghost, Awkward McMumford, Big Juicy Van, The Comfort, and there have been plenty more to boot. Each one is fantastic and fits him like a glove, or more appropriately, a back brace.

Surfing - Are any of us any good? No not really, but it doesn't matter. Surfing has so many positives going for it, and is so different from any other sport. First off...the workout is incredible, which you don't realize until your first time back on a board after a long time. OWIE OWIE OWIE MY ARMS! Hanging out in big blue, with your legs dangling in the water, and sitting with your brohans scattered around you, shooting the shit, waiting for a set of waves...well that's almost as good as catching a wave itself. I said almost. Cause the feeling of catching and riding a good wave.....well that's what we like to call feeding the soul right there. That's a four course meal.

Sex - I'm told it's quite good.

Honourable Mentions - Masturbation, Heroin, General Tao Chicken

Please feel free to comment on this blog and tell me some of your favorite things, cause i'd love to know!

"Each day's a gift!" -Cancer boy in Brain Candy