Grimes Getting Hurt!

First off before i start my own post today, i'd like to add a little editor's note. We had a comment on one of the guest blogs yesterday that i'd just like to address. The person in question, who was anonymous, was none too pleased with the blog written by guestblogger AK. Now i understand for sure the content of said blog may not have been your cup of tea.....well it may not have been alot of people's cups of tea actually. Your comment was valid, no doubt about that. However for me personally, and i refuse to speak for my partner in crime "Alexander Kitz Canadian Pale Male", the whole point of this blog is to avoid censorship. It's for the two of us, aswell as anyone else who feels the inkling to express themselves, to be able to write about any and everything that we want. For the most part we keep it tastefu....well.....not really tasteful i guess....but at least we try not to piss people off, because the people who read this for the most part are friends of ours. I have known AK for a while. He's a good guy and he expressed an interest in adding something to the blog, I wanted to hear what he had to say, and i'm glad he did post, and if he wants to post again then he should feel free. That's the beauty of freedom of speech, and to the person who commented on his post, i'm glad you did comment and i appreciate your point, if you'd like the chance to add to this in a guestblog of your own, you need only ask, grimes17@hotmail.com is my email address.

Ok so now that we've tackled that subject, let's get to the stupid stuff! I decided today that you all deserve to hear about times i've hurt myself. Cause let's face it Wednesday is a pretty average day so why don't we all cheer up and gear up for the weekend with some pleasurable anecdotes about me in extreme pain.

The Fall: Hoo hoo hoo baby! What a doozy this one was. Ok i can't exactly remember how old i was, but if i had to guess i'd say around 12 years old. I had developed a mighty friendship through hockey with another young lad by the name of Rob Raham. Rob was a little on the hyper side but overall a fun kid. And even better he had a cottage on Lake Rosso in Muskoka. So he invited me up there one weekend with his fam and i gratefully accepted. The weather didn't cooperate too well however and we were stuck cooped up inside most of the weekend playing cards. We got a little sunshine one day and it was too cool to go swimming, so we took a walk down to the public tennis courts, but to our dismay, when we arrived, both were in use. However being kids and having the attention spans of a piece of toast, we couldn't just wait, so we decided to climb the tig ol' bree (big old tree) with the picnic bench underneath. This tree was pretty much perfect, tons of big thick branches everywhere all close together. So up we go, and eventually we get to the very top which is probably about the height of a two storey house. We're walking along one branch near the top, with our hands shimmying along a branch above. We notice that the tree ends in a stump at the top....not a good sign...the tree is dead....these branches can't be too strong.....CRACK! We didnt' fall right away, just heard a loud crack, enough time to look at each other in complete and utter dismay. SNAP! There we go, the branch beneath us breaks. We both managed to hold the branch above our heads for about a second or two......and then off we go! It was quite a long ride to the bottom....but we were lucky there were so many branches to go through cause they for sure slowed us down. We finally fall out the bottom, Rob somehow lands on his feet while i land with my tailbone on a root. Felt good. Haha i still remember Rob's sister yelling over to us, "ROB! Be careful!" And then going back to her tennis match. I wanted to yell back, "BITCH WHAT THE FUCK! I JUST FELL OUT OF A FUCKIN TREE! LITTLE HELP?" But i was 12....you just don't do that. So yeah i definitely got the worst of it, my right forearm, on the hairless part, i pretty much had lost a good amount of skin from the elbow to the wrist. And then i had assorted cuts and bruises over my other limbs. I felt bad for poor Rob's mom cause she had to deliver me back to my parents with bandages all over the place, but it was cool cause my parents don't really like me anyways so they were fine with it.

The Boot: Rugby. What a sport. I played five years in high school and my first year of University before my ankles took over and told me that I in fact was a 90 year old man and couldn't do it anymore. I wasn't too shabby either. Little self promotion there. Anyways so one wonderful game in O.A.C., we were playing an away game against a team i can't remember, and i'm going to assume we were killing them cause for the most part we usually did. So i was playing scrum half and one of their backs had the ball and was running on an angle towards the sideline. I managed to chase him down, and i could see it all unfolding in my head, miraculous try saving diving tackle, accolades from all my peers, head cheerleader in a whipped cream bikini that night, an assembly in my honor. Nope....not exactly what happened. I did in fact dive and managed to wrap the guy up around the waist, and i started to twist him down. That was when my old pal Derek "Not So Comfort" Mumford decided, "hey....looks like Eric's got this tackle in the bag....but maybe i should crank this guy's upper body as he's falling to make it an even bigger hit.....god i love Marijuana!" So he did. And in the process he gives me a full out boot to the face. I remember the impact striking me directly in the nose. Then i think i blacked out for a couple seconds, only to open my eyes to a whole lot of red liquid spraying out of my face. Yes that's right Derek had been playing the whole game with a pitcher of KOOL-AID in his shorts. Oh no wait that was my blood. So i was attended to by our trainer, and then lead off the field quite woozy, but with no serious injuries other than a lifetime of hatred for Mumford lodged firmly in my heart.

The Skate: I think i would have been about 6 when this next incident took place. My elementary school, Linbrook, had successfully created an outdoor ice rink on the soccer field one winter, and so one night, my Dad, my brother, and myself mosied on over for a little skoot around on the ice. We played myself and Mark against old Pappy. As the night wore on i believe eventually Big Mel called "last goal wins", and being the hell of a father that he is, he probably let us win. Mark scored the game winning goal and he was skating towards me to celebrate. What a moment! "Mark! Dearest older brother! What a goal! We actually defeated the old tyrant and.....WHOOPS!" Mark slipped backwards as i stumbled forwards and Mark's skate blade goes sliding right into my nose. So there i am wailing away as blood flows down my face and i have a gash between my eyes on the bridge of my nose. See my family always makes fun of me for this next part, and it's completley unjustified, apparently i was screaming my head off when my dad took me into get stitches, and he claims it was embarrassing! EMBARRASSING? EXCUSE ME? The fuckin quack that prevented the brains from streaming out of my face didn't even freeze me! He said that there wasn't enough meat where i was cut to properly freeze me, i have a small nose, so sue me. So a 6 year old kid who just took a sharp foot sized knife to the face is screaming as a doctor jams a needle in and out of his face. Jesus Christ Grimes family, like i know we like to laugh and joke around but to insinuate that i'm a little pussy in that moment is just plain.......well true i guess......but either way fuck you.

The SeeSaw: Now i think i've definitely mentioned this one before, but it's what brought this column to mind so i figured i'd pay it a second tribute, cause in truth it was pretty awesome. I saw an old picture of me this weekend, hanging out with all my cousins, and i'm sporting an absolute banger of a black eye in it. A real beaut. I look about 7 or 8 years old in the photo, which means i was probably in fact 9 or 10, seeing as how for most of my school life i looked at least two years younger than i actually was. You should try it sometime, really good for the confidence with the ladies.

"Hey you want to go out sometime?"

"Awww....sorry little man....you're a little cutie.....maybe once you're all grown up!"

"Uhhh.....i'm 16 and i'm in all your classes...."

So anyways how did i get this black eye? Well Mike Denby and I used to hang out a fair amount as youngsters. He had a wicked cool tree house/playground in his backyard, including a seesaw. So a favorite past time of ours was to find launchable items.....and then proceed to launch them. One person loads the item, which was often these awesome big wrestling figures like Ravishing Rick Rude or Coco B-Ware, and when it was go time the other one would slam the one end of the seesaw down and send that wrestler into orbit. Fuck yeah it was awesome. So one time i was finishing loading the item in question, and old Michael Robert, who's never been the cleanest sock in the drawer, decides to launch before i'm ready. Seesaw swings up and BLAMARAM! it's lights out for young Optimus Grime. I'm lying there, probably with my soul halfway out of my body, seeing stars, and young MRD goes screaming past me running to the house, "I KILLED HIM! I KILLED MY BEST FRIEND!" I continue to lie there picturing my new life as a disfigured mongoloid, and Mrs. Denby god bless her comes running out and leads me inside. She slaps a pack of frozen peas on my face and eventually takes me home. Medicine runs in the Denby blood with Big John Denby being a doctor and Mrs. D being a nurse, so she informed me to sleep on my side with my good eye on the pillow to avoid swelling. FUCK THAT! If i go through all that pain i'm at least going to have something to show for it. So i slept with the mangled eye down.....not smart (as i've proven more than a few times already). The next morning it pretty much looked like i'd glued a purple basketball to my face. Eventually however it settled into a pretty kickass black eye and i got laid more than a few times because of it i'm proud to say.

So there you go everyone, i hope you enjoyed me getting hurt. I hope each time you could actually see the incident in your mind and imagine the pain coursing through my body. I hope i've brought a little enjoyment to your Wednesday's you sadistic S.O.B.'s. Til we meet again.

-McGrime the Grime Dawg

Awesome

Iron Maiden Movie Announced

A new documentary following Iron Maiden's 2008 world tour, titled Iron Maiden: Flight 666 is being produced by Banger Films (whose credits also include Metal: A Headbanger's Journey) and should be released in theaters (read: a single theatre somewhere just outside of Moosemin, Saskatchewan) in April of 2009. From the press release:

"The movie, which was created by Banger Films, EMI Records, UMe and Arts Alliance Media, follows Maiden from February to March, 2008 on the first leg of their “Somewhere Back in Time World Tour.” For the tour, the band flew in a specially customized Boeing 757 airliner piloted for much of the time by vocalist Bruce Dickinson. The plane also contained Maiden’s crew and 12 tons of music and stage equipment. Puddle-jumping from one location to another, the band played 23 sold out stadium and arena shows in Asia, Australia and North, Central and South America in just 45 days. Maiden performed in 13 countries, also landing in Azerbaijan and Papua New Guinea en route for fuel stops, travelling 70,000km and performing to almost half a million fans."

Wait, what!? "a specially customized Boeing 757 airliner piloted for much of the time by vocalist Bruce Dickinson"!?! Amazing. Is there anything Bruce Dickenson can't do? According to his Wikipedia article, no.

"Dickinson's interests include literature, writing, fencing (at which he has competed internationally, and he also founded a fencing equipment company under the brand name Duellist), train technology and flying Boeing 757 charter jets for the UK charter airline Astraeus where he is employed as a First Officer. He was taught to fly by British Airways commercial pilot Captain Phil Dales.

In the summer of 2006, Dickinson flew about 200 UK citizens home from Lebanon during the Israel/Hezbollah conflict. On 12 February 2007, Dickinson was given permission to fly Rangers F.C. to Israel for their UEFA Cup game against Hapoel Tel Aviv. Dickinson asked if he could pilot this flight as soon as he found Astraeus had the contract for it. After the collapse of XL Airways UK in September 2008 he piloted an Iceland Express aeroplane and flew home 180 stranded holiday makers from Egypt, as well as a Boeing 747 with a group of british RAF pilots from Afghanistan. 'A lot of them recognised him because they are Maiden fans, but he was there in his professional capacity as a pilot,' says an RAF spokesman."

Uh.... Amazing.

Breaking News

From Maxim:

It’s about 10 minutes into our interview on a day off from shooting, and Morgan wants to talk tattoos. He starts ticking them off: a peace sign, a happy and sad face, a cross bearing the names of his ex-wife and three sons, the name of a friend he played football with in high school who was murdered. He lifts up his shirt, revealing his doughy torso as he displays the words ME, MYSELF, & I on his back. And then there’s STOVE TOP.

“I have a tattoo on the side of my penis that says STOVE TOP,” Morgan tells me proudly, referring to the instant stuffing mix. “I’m pretty well-endowed. A girl told me to get that because I stuffed her up like a turkey. She said, ‘You should call that Stove Top!’”

Ramblings

Nothing specific to talk about today so let's just have a nice ramble, we can talk about the news, sports, what's new in my life and the lives around me. Just catch up, wouldn't that be nice? I think that would be nice.

First off, mad props to all 17-19 year old males out there. Wait....that sounds really bad. I'm shouting out specifically to those Canadian males with gold medals around their necks. Some of you may have followed the World Juniors tournament in Ottawa this year. Some maybe saw just the final. Either way i think i will go on record and say that this was the most entertaining World Juniors i've ever watched. And i've watched them all for as long as i can remember. First off i got to see a game live, Canada's first against the Czech Republic. Sure they blew them out 8-2 but it was still a great atmosphere and had been on my "To Do Before I Die" list for a long time. Seeing as how i probably don't have much time left I'm glad i got it done. This year's team was fun to watch. So much skill and as cliche as it sounds, so much heart. They deserved to win unlike some years where the goaltending carries them through. The Canada vs. Russia game was a classic and always will be cause of the last second heroics of Eberle. And then the final, although it wasn't much of a nail biter, was still a fantastic game to watch cause they played their best game of the tournament when they needed to. So hats off to those young men, for those of us who were watching, you made us proud!

Next on the list.....let's talk about the Gaza strip! Actually let's not....i'll get depressed and i don't know enough about it. But i think many of us can agree that it's sad to see so many bodies pile up because of a piece of land, no matter how important it may be.

We haven't talked about Mike Denby in a while and i know he's always a hot topic! Specifically cause he just called me up a minute ago. The kid got his old job back! Not full time or anything, but they're going to find some work for him for a while so let's all give a Big John Denby "HEY HEY MIKEY BOY! WHAT A HOOT! ISN'T THAT JUST GREAT! HEY HEY!" Also for those music lovers out there, young Michael Robert is now in Jeff Buckley, and Mike Thompson's band "Make Your Exit". That's them in the picture above sans Mike Denby. I was fortunate enough to see their show at the El Mocambo on Friday night. Wow did they ever blow minds. They get better and better every time i see them play, and with the addition of Mr. Denby into the band they now pop boners aswell. Hmm....probably shouldn't have written that last part. Either way they're playing a show this Friday night at the Rivoli, we will all be there, and you should come too if you haven't seen them cause they're pretty much the best band in the history of music. No exageration.

Ok let's check the list, what's up next? Hmm...nothing there. So i'll just make a few short comments.

The Buffalo Bills suck, and it sucks being a fan, but i will not give up on them.

I've got box seats to the raptors game friday night, high rollin!!!

Alex Kitz wants to purchase a treadmill.

My friend and yours Peter N'geno, is due to be a father this Sunday Jan.11th! We're all very excited for him. But Peter....if the baby comes out white.....and maybe a little slow....and is blonde.....and loves weed.....well i think you know what i'm trying to say.

The Habs rule, the Leafs suck. Accept it.

Nicaragua surf trip is now only about a month and a half away, i seriously can not wait to gnar out with my brohan's in the freshy freshy.

Derek Mumford has a job interview tomorrow. If he gets it, he will be hanging with Inuits 2 weeks every month, and being paid far too much to do it.

Julien Favre cheered for Sweden in the World Juniors final last night, further cementing his position at the top of the list of "World's Largest Douchebags".

My brother will be strapping on the pads and playing goalie for my hockey team tonight. This marks the first time he's played net in 20 years. The over/under for goals scored will be set at 10. I personally am choosing over.

I filled out an expense claim for my year's worth of contact lenses yesterday, that's $445.00 worth of lenses since i wear dailies. I don't believe i filled out the form properly. So i'll probably receive a letter from Manulife Financial promptly in the mail, informing me of this. I'm not looking forward to filling it out again.

Well after rereading my final little note there i think i might have run out of things to say and probably should have stopped a while ago. Unless you guys want to hear about my pubic hair removal fiasco from the other day? No? Well we'll save that for another day then. Happy Tuesday everyone, i'll let you know how Mark does in net tonight!

Peace out,

Optimus Grime

The Top Six Denby Grimes Moments of All Time

I've known Mike Denby for quite a while, about 24 years now and we've had quite a history. There's alot of crazy little links to our friendship, the fact that his dad is my doctor and delivered me, the fact that our little sisters were born 5 days apart and are best friends, the fact that our brothers were born 3 days apart and also are best friends, the fact that our parents regularly hang out, so you can imagine we've had our fair share of epic moments, and hijinx in those 24 years. Here's the top six moments that i could actually remember.

6.) Golfing with our dads on a golf trip in high school. We were still new to the wonderous joy of getting to drive golf carts. Add to that the fact that it was raining. We discovered golf cart waterskiing that day, which is when one guy drives, and the other hangs off the back of the golf cart and skiis behind it. Rips up the grass pretty good and rain is a necessity. However the best moment that day occurred when Mike deliberately did a very sharp turn while at the same giving me a kick with his foot, i went flying out of the golf cart and rolled on the grass for a while. The marshall of the golf course was right there. We received a stern lecture from him aswell as our fathers. Well worth it.

5.) Michael and Eric learn about life and death. Mike always used to take family vacations down south in the states, and on these trips he and his dad would pick up a shitload of fireworks. So Mike was always loaded down with Cherry Bombs, M-80's, Bottle Rockets, Smoke Bombs, Huskerdoo's, Huskerdon'ts, etc. etc.....So one day we caught a couple of frogs and put them in a tennis ball container. We poked a hole in the lid and stuck the wick of a M-80, which is a much more powerful cherry bomb basically, through the hole so it was hanging into the container. We lit the wick, once the fuse got down to the hole the M-80 would drop in, and KABOOM! The tennis ball container with the frogs would fly up in the air, top would come off, smoke comign out. One frog didn't make it, the other was barely alive. Needless to say Mike and I were not pleased with ourselves after that. We both felt really bad and that was the last time we were cruel to animals.

4.) Mike and Eric get arrested. We were out bowling one night, when we get a call from the girls we were hanging out with at the time. They made a bunch of inuendo's about toilet paper. We went out to our friend Colin's van in the parking lot, and sure enough, it had been toilet papered to shit. So rather than let it go, we went to the Grocery Store and bought some eggs. We found their car in the parking lot, and Mike, myself, and another friend Tyler shelled it real good and then called them up and made our own inuendos about eggs. They called us back and said they didn't know what we were talking about. UH-OH!! Same car, same color, same parking lot....different license plate. And someone had seen us do it and taken my friend's plate number down. Mike and I were charged with vandalism over 5000 dollars, had to be taken to the police station by my mom, she watched as i was fingerprinted and photographed. However we were lucky cause the judge knew it was a prank gone wrong, we wrote letters of apology and were given "alternative measures", which meant our record was erased when we turned 18.

3.) Mike almost knocks Eric's head off his body. Mike had a kickass treehouse and play area in his backyard including a seesaw. One of our favorite games was to take action figures and other assorted toys, place them on one end of the seesaw, and then slam down the other end and catapult whatever it was into the air. So we were playing one day, we were probably about 8 or 9 years old, i was placing the toy on one end, Mike thought i was ready. I wasn't. Seesaw came flying up, smashed me in the eye, i went flying backwards, and Mike ran away screaming "I killed him! I killed my best friend!" In fact i wasn't quite dead, but i was definitely not on planet earth for a few minutes. Mrs. Denby eventually came out, brought me inside, gave me some frozen peas to put on my face, and instructed me that when i went to bed that night, i shoudlnt' sleep on the side with the swollen eye or the blood would drain down that way and make my eye swell up more. Well i obviously wanted a kickass black eye so i deliberately slept on that side. It was huge the next day, which was a stupid mistake. Mike also hit me in the head with a baseball bat once on a follow through. My own fault though, i had been warned to take a step back.

2.) Eric is forced to leave the Denby household. Mike and I had been playing a video game called Road Rash 3 on Sega Genesis all day. There was a cheat involved in the game where if your bike was going to blow up, you could run away from it and get picked up by the cops instead, which was way cheaper than fixing your motorcycle. Mike's brother Dave was playing a race, and the bike was beat up and about to blow after a crash, Mike yelled to Dave, "RUN AWAY FROM IT RUN AWAY FROM IT!" Dave looked back over at Mike, flashed a little evil smile, and then deliberately ran back to the bike causing it to blow up. Mike screamed, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" and charged Dave. They started fighting. Dave's friend Bryan tried to hold Dave back by holding his arms. Mike chose that moment to boot Dave in the nuts. Dave lost it and the fight was back on. Mrs. Denby heard the commotion and came down and informed me that, "i think you should go home.....". So i did.

1.) Mike and Eric get scared shitless. In Australia, Mike and i are both nearing the end of our respective trips, and are staying near Byron Bay in a surf instructor's house for a week. We have a few days left in our week long stay their. We'd been surfing so far all week at this beach about ten minutes away. So we were out in the early afternoon waiting for the first waves of the day. I'm lying on my board facing the beach, Mike's about ten feet in front of me, and five feet to the left. All of a sudden, straight in front of me a large fin pops out of the water and starts to glide right at me. I say to Mike, "is that a fuckin dolphin?", he says back, "I DON'T THINK SO!" Mike obviously hightails it immediately and starts paddling like crazy. While im forced to watch this fin glide straigh at me, about 5 feet away it slowly slides under the water and i'm left lying on my board wondering what to do. I wait about ten seconds to make sure it's not right under me before i start paddling harder than i ever have before. We were pretty far out, so it took a while, and the whole time i was convinced this thing was right behind me the whole way. Plus i couldnt' catch a wave to save my life. Mike had caught a wave and tried to surf it in but had fallen off and was also convinced he was a dead man. We finally both made it to the beach, stared at each other in disbelief, and went home for the day. Proud to say we were both back in the ocean surfing the next day though.