The Tittie Pipe

Lost Returns

(ABC, re-cap starts at 8 PM/EST, the 2 Hour Season Premier starts at 9 PM/EST)

Well, it's been a good long time, but Lost is finally starting again tonight, Wednesday January 21st and by the way, it's going to be awesome. The producers have already announced that this will be the second last season, so pretty much, you know they're not just leading you on and jerking you around. This is the beginning of the end. And if you ask me that's a good feeling. Lost has somehow managed to dodge the pitfalls of so many other long-running ensemble series (ER, Law & Order, Two & A Half Men) in that at no point has it slowed down. Even Season 3, widely considered to be the weakest of all the Seasons is still some of the best TV you'll see in a good long time. If you don't believe me, I'm pretty sure that Duggy has the season on DVD and is always happy to lend it out for extended periods of time, ain't that right Duggy?

Now I could go into all the philosophy and science (or FRINGE science!!) of Lost, but I'll let people discover that on their own - just know that EW and Lostpedia are heads above the rest for siiiick theories. In the meantime I'll just post this little re-cap of Seasons 1-4 in honor of the start of Season 5 tonight.

Monkeys Rule

Yesterday in my LSAT class we were doing a question, and it surrounded the idea that 

"humans are no better than apes at picking stocks in the stock market. A recent study involving 5 stock analysts and one ape showed that after 1 month, the ape had increased it's portfolio by $120. The highest increase of the group. The top analyst only increased their portfolio by $100." 

And man did I ever start laughing. At first I wanted to be quiet but you know the harder you try to stay quiet, the harder you laugh. I mean, just imagine a monkey working hard at a desk, crunching numbers, and Pearson and Favre sitting at their desks across from it, so frustrated by how hard it's kicking their asses. Brilliant.

Anyways, monkeys rule.

Ramblings

Nothing specific to talk about today so let's just have a nice ramble, we can talk about the news, sports, what's new in my life and the lives around me. Just catch up, wouldn't that be nice? I think that would be nice.

First off, mad props to all 17-19 year old males out there. Wait....that sounds really bad. I'm shouting out specifically to those Canadian males with gold medals around their necks. Some of you may have followed the World Juniors tournament in Ottawa this year. Some maybe saw just the final. Either way i think i will go on record and say that this was the most entertaining World Juniors i've ever watched. And i've watched them all for as long as i can remember. First off i got to see a game live, Canada's first against the Czech Republic. Sure they blew them out 8-2 but it was still a great atmosphere and had been on my "To Do Before I Die" list for a long time. Seeing as how i probably don't have much time left I'm glad i got it done. This year's team was fun to watch. So much skill and as cliche as it sounds, so much heart. They deserved to win unlike some years where the goaltending carries them through. The Canada vs. Russia game was a classic and always will be cause of the last second heroics of Eberle. And then the final, although it wasn't much of a nail biter, was still a fantastic game to watch cause they played their best game of the tournament when they needed to. So hats off to those young men, for those of us who were watching, you made us proud!

Next on the list.....let's talk about the Gaza strip! Actually let's not....i'll get depressed and i don't know enough about it. But i think many of us can agree that it's sad to see so many bodies pile up because of a piece of land, no matter how important it may be.

We haven't talked about Mike Denby in a while and i know he's always a hot topic! Specifically cause he just called me up a minute ago. The kid got his old job back! Not full time or anything, but they're going to find some work for him for a while so let's all give a Big John Denby "HEY HEY MIKEY BOY! WHAT A HOOT! ISN'T THAT JUST GREAT! HEY HEY!" Also for those music lovers out there, young Michael Robert is now in Jeff Buckley, and Mike Thompson's band "Make Your Exit". That's them in the picture above sans Mike Denby. I was fortunate enough to see their show at the El Mocambo on Friday night. Wow did they ever blow minds. They get better and better every time i see them play, and with the addition of Mr. Denby into the band they now pop boners aswell. Hmm....probably shouldn't have written that last part. Either way they're playing a show this Friday night at the Rivoli, we will all be there, and you should come too if you haven't seen them cause they're pretty much the best band in the history of music. No exageration.

Ok let's check the list, what's up next? Hmm...nothing there. So i'll just make a few short comments.

The Buffalo Bills suck, and it sucks being a fan, but i will not give up on them.

I've got box seats to the raptors game friday night, high rollin!!!

Alex Kitz wants to purchase a treadmill.

My friend and yours Peter N'geno, is due to be a father this Sunday Jan.11th! We're all very excited for him. But Peter....if the baby comes out white.....and maybe a little slow....and is blonde.....and loves weed.....well i think you know what i'm trying to say.

The Habs rule, the Leafs suck. Accept it.

Nicaragua surf trip is now only about a month and a half away, i seriously can not wait to gnar out with my brohan's in the freshy freshy.

Derek Mumford has a job interview tomorrow. If he gets it, he will be hanging with Inuits 2 weeks every month, and being paid far too much to do it.

Julien Favre cheered for Sweden in the World Juniors final last night, further cementing his position at the top of the list of "World's Largest Douchebags".

My brother will be strapping on the pads and playing goalie for my hockey team tonight. This marks the first time he's played net in 20 years. The over/under for goals scored will be set at 10. I personally am choosing over.

I filled out an expense claim for my year's worth of contact lenses yesterday, that's $445.00 worth of lenses since i wear dailies. I don't believe i filled out the form properly. So i'll probably receive a letter from Manulife Financial promptly in the mail, informing me of this. I'm not looking forward to filling it out again.

Well after rereading my final little note there i think i might have run out of things to say and probably should have stopped a while ago. Unless you guys want to hear about my pubic hair removal fiasco from the other day? No? Well we'll save that for another day then. Happy Tuesday everyone, i'll let you know how Mark does in net tonight!

Peace out,

Optimus Grime

Don't Knock Croc Rock or I'll Clean your Clock!

So i'm at work, haven't eaten anything yet today, and i have slow creeping hangover that's steadily getting worse. Also i'm about to self inflict Taco Bell on myself, which is like hitting yourself in the head with a shovel when you've got a headache. Worst....cure......ever. And why do i feel this terrible you ask? Only cause i was fortunate enough to attend the greatest Wednesday night bar in the city last night....yes you guessed it.....Crocodile Rock!So now you're probably thinking, "why the fuck are you going out and getting wasted on a Wednesday night in the first place?" Well calm down...if you could maybe just be a little patient i'll tell you.

So to set the stage, myself, Julien Favre, Jordan Blain, Dave Segal, Mike Tonner and Dave Barbaree all went to the Raptors game last night. Before hand we enjoyed a lovely meal at Hoops, the new sports bar by the ACC. They have 122 Tv's, including some in the floor. Yes you read that correctly....Tv's.....in the floor. So after our waitress made 122 mistakes with our orders, one for each TV, we took off and hit the game. Julien and i had seperate seats, and although the game had it's exciting moments, we were dismayed to see our lovely Raps lose to the well oiled machine that is the Detroit Pistons, even minus newly acquired A.I.

So post game, someone suggests we should get more drinks, because our pal David Segal, of David's Tea fame, hasn't had a proper celebration of his newly found engaged status. So the usual suggestions were knocked around, Jack Astor's, Loose Moose, and then someone, although whom it was will never be determined, suggested Crocodile Rock. It had a similar effect to asking a group of guys if they want to watch Dr. Phil, sure we all want to see that moustachiod pompous fuck send some snotnosed punk to boot camp, but no one's going to admit it. Ok i lied, we all said fuck yeah let's do it. Crocodile Rock as we all know has a legendary status as a cougar bar. So we arrived, paid the 5 dollar cover even though it was empty, and were delighted to discover wednesdays pay host to 3 dollar drinks. We sauntered in, shacked up in a great central location, between the bar, the dance floor, and the tables, and grabbed some drinks. Although the place was pretty barren, it was still only like 10:15 and i think none of us figured we'd be there for long.

But steadily, as our drink levels got lower, and our blood alcohol got higher, the place started to fill up. I was quite excited when a pack of high schoolers showed up (high school might be generous, probably more like last year at E.J. James), and a steady influx of cougars wandered in from the mountains or wherever the fuck it is that cougars call home. Before you could even utter the words, "i want to have sex with an old woman!" the place was humpin' and bumpin'! And this is why i now love Wednesday nights at Crocodile Rock. Cougars of all ages, races, shapes and sizes. Girls you feel ashamed to even look at let alone talk to since we're probably old enough to be their fathers. A nice mix of girls in between so you don't feel too out of place. And without a doubt, some of the true champions of mankind. Just absolute bangers everywhere. Moustaches coming out of the woodworks. Creepers. Skeezers. Dancers. Prancers. You name it, they were there last night. The dance floor absolutely went off with all your latest top 40 tunes. Yet it wasn't too loud so that you could have a conversation.

Now we all know that nobody picks up a women like Eric Grimes, i mean you just say that name in a crowded room and your bound to find at least one girl who's been subjected to my greasy advances. Ok well that's a lie, i couldn't hit the broadside of a cow's ass if i was sitting on it's tail with a shovel. But being at this place i actually truly felt like if i manned up for a change i wouldnt' have too much trouble. Plus i was with old Mike "smooth as a silk sheet" Tonner who unfortunately ladies, is now a taken man, but could be the greatest wingman in the history of time. However I had no intention of trying anything at all. Why you ask? Because i was having way....way.....way......WAY WAY WAY WAY too much fun people watching. I was good and sauced at this point and i honestly could have been by myself at a table creeping the shit out of people, and had as good a time as i had. Not to say that my company wasn't riveting, cause truly those boys are hard to beat when it comes to good times.

But the storylines surrounding me were too juicy to ignore. Guy in the black button up shirt just staring at the girl next to him at the bar. He was probably at least 15 years her senior. But he had a stare that could knock you on your ass at a thousand paces. Then there were the high school girls on the dance floor bouncing around and laughing....while the guy in the black beret dancing by himself slowly moved in on them. Not to mention the ongoing saga of Dave Barbaree's ever growing love for the shooter girl. She did well off of us last night. If put in the same position do you really think you could have ignored these subplots? I seriously fuckin doubt it.

As the saying goes, all good things come to an end. A couple members of the crew slowly made their exit, Favre had a big day at work, Barbaree had a train to catch, Tonner had found a friend from his softball team to chat to. So despite the feeling of being at the most glorious ball, i couldn't ignore the warning bell in my head screaming "HANGOVER!" So we left, and i'm ashamed to admit i did not follow a couple of my campatriots to the rippers. I went home. I stumbled to bed, with visions of nice bums, lodged firmly in my head.

Woke up this morning, was surprised to feel not too shabby. But you must always beware the creeper hangover. It got me good around 11:30 a.m. So will i be going back to Crocodile Rock next Wednesday? No....probably not. But i'll always remember this magical night, and maybe a little piece of me doesn't want to go back, sometimes it's best to heed good advice. And as my boss at the bar i worked at in Australia said to me on my last day, "Eric....i have one piece of advice of for you.....don't come back....cause it won't be the same...."