Ol' Hockey Perv Grimes

So i'm not going to lie, i've been checking out my own blog repeatedly ever since yesterday. Not to see if anyone has commented. Not to reread my own writing. But for one reason and one reason only. To continuously look at the picture i posted with the Montreal blog. I'm dangerously obsessed with it. I have no idea why, but for some reason the idea of a girl, any girl, wearing any sort of Habs paraphenelia is basically porn for me. It's like that scene in Wayne's World when he sees Cassandra on the stage for the first time and "Dreamweaver" starts playing. So I decided for those who suffer the same affliction of me, i'd post a few more random habs hotties. Enjoy.

Shania Twain? Habs fan? I had no idea, but now "You're Still The One" is even more special to me than it was before.

This girl is definitely French Canadian, you can see it in her eyes, and just so damn hot, some people don't like the whole pink jerseys/tshirts for girls and sports teams....i'm all for it.

Is this the girl from Transformers? Megan Fox? Kind of looks like her doesn't it? I would do awful things with that flag. I wonder if it's on ebay?

Good god....

That's a sweet jersey underwear combo, bonus points for the chinese symbol tattoo poking out.

Ok it's official, i'm fully in love, this is the one, screw partying this weekend, i'm spending every waking moment trying to find this girl.

Mike Komisarek. God among men. He could have any one of those girls above....as long as he leaves just one of them for me.

Well boys i hope you enjoyed that one even if you're not a Habs fan, and to the ladies, you may now start the sexist comments. I don't care, fully worth it.

Huh...

So I'm surprised I didn't see this post on Will Leitch's blog yesterday when it was posted. It's already had quite a bit of doubt cast upon it in other circles (namely by crazies at Politico of all places...) but it's worth a look because, you know, they revoke Super Bowl rings every once in a while so it's important to keep flogging the details of the game...

Thoughts?

Montreal Timeline

First off i must apologize, i've been part timing really hard this week and letting my counterpart Mr. Kitz pick up the slack for me, which he always seems to do in miraculous fashion. Truth is believe it or not that i've been busy as fuck over here so i haven't really been able to get around to posting anything of merit. However i've got a bit of a lull right now, so i figured i might as well try and spit some drivel out for the masses. So without further ado, I present to you, my weekend in Montreal as i envision it right now.

Friday

7:12 a.m.- Alarm goes off, tired as fuck, hit snooze.

7:57 a.m. - After hitting snooze 5 times i finally roll my ass out of bed and into the shower, dress for success, and show up for work 10 minutes late.

8:40 a.m. to 12:40 p.m. - Try to get shit done between fantasizing about returning to La Belle Province. Not Quebec, but the restaurant, i defy you to find a better poutine in the world, not possible.

12:45 p.m. - Getting frustrated waiting for Colin to show up, you'd think that meeting him about 3 times a week, and him always being late, would maybe teach me to show up a little late myself? Nope, i'm not that smart, Colin finally shows up 6 minutes late looking at the time with a guilty smile on his face. Douchebag.

1:45 p.m. to 4 p.m. - Try to coast through the rest of the day and then leave an hour early cause we have to pick Dave up from the airport as he is returning from a trip to California. While waiting for Dave, strongly consider pushing Julien in front of a taxi, urge eventually fades.

5 p.m. to 11:30 p.m. - On the road, traffic's a bitch getting out of Toronto, but eventually the 401 clears and it's smooth sailing. Julien doesn't pee once the whole way cause he's a human dromaderie (camel). I pee 16 times, most of which are in bottles in the car which i try to swap with people's drinks, they aren't amused. Julien falls asleep with ease. Dave regails us with golf stories. I play with myself a little bit hoping no one will notice....they do notice.....silence til we arrive.

11:30 p.m. to 4 a.m. - Quickly check into our hotel on Rene Levesque. Holy fuck i forgot how cold Montreal is. Get our shit in order, straight to St. Laurent, and over to Bifteque. Order 5 shots of whisky for 11 bucks. Dave has to take 2 cause there's only 4 of us. Get trashed unusually quick. Look at hot girls and talk about how we would love to hook it up! When one accidentally looks over, we all quickly cast our eyes downward and giggle to ourselves. Stumble to La Belle Province around 3:30 a.m., get poutines to go, eat them in our hotel rooms, 3 out of 4 of us snore.

Saturday

11:00 a.m. - Wake up.....hungover....ugh.....take our sweet ass time getting ready, good lord it looks cold outside!

12:15 p.m. - Decide it's time to make a move, it's only so often you get to come to Montreal.

12:45 p.m. to 2:00 p.m. - Finally actually make a move, and walk our asses through the downtown en route to Peel Pub, occasionally popping into a store here and there to check some merchandise we probably won't buy, but more importantly to warm up. Several times i try to grab Julien's hand and hold it as a fun little joke, he doesn't like it. Dave nuts me. He is unsuccessful however because my balls have retreated inside my body for survival. Finally arrive at the holyland.....Peel Pub.....time to get sloppy.

2:00 p.m. to 6:15 p.m. - Peel Pub is pretty uncrowded when we arrive, Dave gets a couple scattered boos due to his Leafs Jersey. We are delighted to find out they still offer their "5 Bud Lights for 9 Dollars" deal from the previous year. Julien is especially happy since he's already switched to light beer for good....pansy. Over the course of just over 4 hours, we go through 11 buckets of 5 Bud Lights, some regrettable food choices, numerous high fives with strangers due to our Habs Jersey's, fleeting moments of wondering if we're too hammered to be in public, and finally pay our tab and take to the streets for the walk to the Bell Centre.

6:35 p.m. - There she is. My Jerusalem. The temple. The Bell Centre. Can you feel that? Can you feel that energy? It doesn't matter in a given season whether one team is good and one team sucks, whenever the Habs and Leafs square off, the energy in the building is electric, this is going to be awesome.

7:12 p.m. to 9:55 p.m. - The game. Clearly the Habs win in a 5-1 drubbing of the blue shirts. Grabovski and Kostitsyn make good on their promise to scrap. I scream "YEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!!!! PUT HIM IN A BODY BAG!!!" I get some odd looks. Clearly some people need to rewatch Karate Kid. I feel bad when Grabovski is actually taken out in a body bag. Kovalev scores twice on the power play, and Higgins, Markov, and Lapierre all add goals of their own. Price is only beaten once on the power play when a puck deflects off a skate in front. Chants of OLE OLE OLE OLE! rain down from the stands. Insults from French Canadiens are hurled at anyone sporting a Leafs Jersey. Dave takes it all in stride. Oh and i failed to mention....our seats at the game are in the Air Canada Section, which means free food all game. Awesome. I walk out of the game feeling like a million bucks. Then proceed to puke on the sidewalk.

10:05 p.m. - Trying to decide what to do, where to go, Crescent Street? Back to St. Laurent? Strip Joint?

10:20 p.m. to 12:13 a.m. - Take a wild guess. Emily's strip club. 8 dollar lap dances, sure i've never had a lap dance before, but i can brag about knowing the prices. Instead we are cheap bastards and just watch as old french dudes get lap dances at the tables close to ours. Nurse a couple of beers and enjoy the show. I tell one stripper, "You.....youuu......you.....youlooksogood.....youlooksogood." Her lips say thanks but her eyes say fuck off. So we do.

12:30 p.m. to 3 a.m. - Bar hopping along Crescent Street until we find something off the hook. We've been drinking for over 12 hours by this point so things are getting a little fuzzy and energy is wearing thin, but how often do you actually come to Montreal? Once a year maybe twice, so gotta keep it going. I try to chat up a bartender, she tells me i'm a great friend and that i should add her on Facebook. Eventually we all admit that we're pretty much cashed. Head to Boustan for some shawarma's and garlic potatoes and then bring that shit back to the hotel room. Mark opts for another poutine from "La Belle Province" instead. We all are kind of jealous we didnt' do the same. One by one we pass out with the Tv on.

11:30 a.m. - Phone is ringing, it's the front desk, check out was half an hour ago could we please vacate the room?

12:30 p.m. - Another phone call, "yeah ok we're leaving man relax."

12:45 p.m. to 6 p.m.- Check out, grab the van, quick chat about what we should do. Stick around for another couple of hours? Head back now? Julien suggests we find a rink and play some outdoor hockey cause he's obsessed and rightly so. The rest of us shoot him down immediately because it's -50 Celsius. We decide to make the drive back. Conversation is not as lively as it was on the way to Montreal. Someone suffers from Big D. We eventually make it back to Toronto feeling like sacks of dirt, but overall agree that was one hell of a weekend.

So that's what i envision is going to happen this weekend. I'd imagine i'll be pretty damn accurate but i suppose we will see. Either way i'm pumped, GO HABS GO!

Love/Hate

So as many, many, many, many of my roommates know, I have a continuing love/hate relationship with How I Met Your Mother (hereto known as HIMYM). On the one hand, it's absolutely hilarious and chock-full of amazing comedy nuggets known in the biz as "call-backs" or "in-jokes." On the other hand, it's on CBS. I mean, lordy day!! CBS?!? You're killing me here HIMYM!!

I have to admit though, that coming across both Ted's old website (from when he was an underground DJ in college) AND Barney's video resume today really started tipping the scales. And with it also be shown on E! now (along with such boundary-pushing shows as The Girls Next Door and the slightly less nude-women-based The Soup) I may have to put in squarely in the Love column [Ed. note: The Chronicles of Gritz currently does not have a "Love Column" nor a "Love Post" and Alex is already way over his limit in "Awesome" posts so don't expect to see anything more about HIMYM on this website.]

Awesome

Well, last night there was this bowl. The "Super" bowl. Super? You betcha. First off, The Boss dished out a free lesson in how to rock and roll. Secondly, Kurt Warner hits Fitzy for a TD in the 4th quarter has everyone screaming their heads off (except Mumford) and then, with just seconds left, Big Roeth hit's Holmes!! Unbelievable!! I put back a few too many beers and proceeded to offend Anna twice with impressions of different nationalities. All in all a good time. But sadly, there was one thing missing from the evening. A 12 foot-long meatball sub? Well, yeah, that was missing too, so I guess there were two things missing from the evening: a 12 foot-long meatball sub and US Super Bowl ads. Now, everyone has probably dedicated their mornings to catching up on these 30 second masterpieces, but in case you haven't, here are (in my esteemed opinion) the Top 5 Super Bowl Commercials from 2009.

#5 - Hulu with Alec Baldwin. 

I can't really say why I think this one is funny, maybe just Baldwin saying, "DYNO-MITE!!" but whatever it is, it's good.

#4 - Cars.com with The Doctor

Grimes has a good sized list of things that scratch him right where he itches. Well for me, the biggest is people being awesome at stuff. You know that scene at the end of Groundhog Day when Bill Murray pulls off a perfect day? Amazing. And when Will Ferrell turns out to be a killer flautist in Anchorman? Perfection. So this commercial really speaks to me. Behold:

#3 - Etrade with The Babies

Maybe I'm too sentimental. Or maybe my biological clock is ticking, and I secretly know that I only have a few good years left in me to pull a Junior and have a man-baby (a baby born of a man, not a baby that comes out a full grown man...). Either way, this one rules. Mostly because even if it were full-grown men, I'd love the back-and-forth and the stretching of the golden pipes.

#2 - Monster with The Moose 

First of all, moose are ALWAYS funny. Literally, anytime something happens with a moose I'll probably laugh. This one continues that streak. And how! The reveal is amazing and man alive does it ever hit the nail on the head for how I feel at work.

#1 - Bud Light with Conan 

I mean, honestly, can YOU think up something funnier than Conan doing anything!?! I can't, which may be why this one takes the cake for best commercial of the year. Other newspapers and magazines have said that the Dorito's commercial with the old dude getting hit in the nuts is the winner (and on any other day of the week, I'd agree) but Conan in red mesh? Hello!!

BONUS 

And of course, no review of Super Bowl commercials would be complete without this one for next year's shoe-in for Best Picture Oscar.

And also, this one for Jack In The Box. The guy in the phone reminds me of Kevin James (or, as he's better known, Paul Blart, Mall Cop) and you know that means guffaw-city.

Awesome

Well, it's Friday. Usually I would post an epic list of trivia about some jerk-ass movie that only Mumford likes (like, honestly Mumford, Dark Knight!?!? What a piece of trash). But today, in honor of my work at this office coming to a ceremonial end, I'd like to send out a tribute to desk jockeys (and NFL offensive linebackers) everywhere.

Just remember folks, sometimes it's about intimidation.

Grimes Inc.

With the ever changing economy situation, it's important for all of us to look at our individual financial situations in these tough times, and see how we can stay ahead of the game. So I have been thinking to myself of late, "Eric....you're a half retarded young go getter, how can you make a little more money to counterbalance the stock market losses?" The answer was easy of course....exploit your friends.

Mike Denby: This was my first idea, and man is it ever a banger. Like it's pretty much foolproof and i'd be amazed if i don't rake in some dough from it. I know most of you are thinking i'm going to say, "pimp him out and take 20%", well no that's not it, that would be too easy, my actual idea is much more diabolical and complex. So Mike Denby likes to throw parties right? Big parties. They're usually quite "off the hook" as the teenagers like to say. So here's my idea. I throw up a whole bunch of flyers around the house that go a little something like this.

"GOTTA SHIT? WELL I WOULDN'T DO IT HERE IF I WERE YOU! THAT YOUNG MAN OR WOMAN YOU'VE BEEN COURTING WON'T BE TOO IMPRESSED WHEN THEY CATCH A WHIFF OF THE BOMB YOU JUST DROPPED. SO WHAT TO DO? THERE'S ALWAYS A LINE UP FOR THE BATHROOM SO EVERYONE WILL KNOW! WANT TO CHANCE IT AND GO TO 751 NEXT DOOR INSTEAD? I WOULDN'T DO THAT IF I WERE YOU, HAVE YOU SEEN THEIR CLIENTELE? GRIMES INC. IS HERE FOR YOU. FOR THE LOW PRICE OF ONLY $9.99 (G.S.T. & P.S.T. NOT INCLUDED) YOU CAN HOP ACROSS THE STREET AND USE MY PRIVATE APARTMENT INSTEAD. NO LINES, NO JUDGEMENT, DISCRETION GUARANTEED. ACT NOW AND I'LL THROW IN A SECOND VISIT ABSOLUTELY FREE IN CASE YOU HAD TACO BELL FOR DINNER!"

Now tell me that idea wouldnt' work? Go on and tell me? You've got nothing do you. That's cause it's perfect.

Julien Favre: Julien Favre is one of my best friends. He's a beauty of a gentleman. A dashing mix of European and North-East African ethnicity. He loves the Habs, and he loves the Kansas City Chiefs. Unfortunately sometimes, not very often, but sometimes, he loves the sauce, the hard stuff, maybe just a little bit too much, and when he's sauced? Well....look out. So how to take advantage of this? Easy.

"HEY FRIEND. SOMETHING GOT YOU DOWN? IS THERE A COWORKER MAYBE WHO CONSTANLY BERATES YOU AND MAKES YOU FEEL SMALL? MAYBE AN EX LOVER WHO DUMPED YOU FOR ANOTHER? AN ACQUAINTANCE CONSTANTLY HITTING ON YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER? WELL GRIMES INC. HAS THE SOLUTION FOR YOU. FOR THE LOW PRICE OF A 26 OUNCE BOTTLE OF JACK DANIELS + $39.99 (NOT INCL. SHIPPING + HANDLING) WE WILL DELIVER A STAGGERINGLY DRUNK BELIGERENT YOUNG MAN TO THE DESTINATION OF YOUR CHOICE. UPON ARRIVAL THIS YOUNG MAN WILL VERBALLY AND POSSIBLY PHYSICALLY ABUSE YOUR SUBJECT, PROVIDING PUBLIC HUMILIATION AND POSSIBLY REDUCING THE VICTIM TO TEARS FOR YOUR PUBLIC ENJOYMENT. HE'S A SPECIAL YOUNG MAN IN THAT HE HAS NEVER LOST AN ARGUMENT (CURRENTLY 1285-0) AND HIS CLEVER BANTER HAS NO DEFENSE. SATISFACTION GUARANTEED."

If you want evidence of Julien's prowess, talk to anyone who was at Mumford's cottage this past summer. When he arrived we were all against him for refusing to pick up paper plates and plastic cutlery, a simple task Mumford had designated to his group. When we left....somehow Mumford was in the wrong. He's a machine.

Derek Mumford: As it's been discussed before, Mumford has no job. He's living the life. He chills out all day, gets a great amount of sleep, catches up on TV shows, plays some Nintendo Wii, maybe smokes some reefer. If you want someone awesome to hang out with that will guarantee you a satisfying day.....well it's Mumford. So again....how can I take advantage of this? Did you even have to ask?

"ARE YOU A LOSER? GOT NO FRIENDS TO CALL YOUR OWN? OR MAYBE YOU JUST DON'T GO FOR THE STANDARD 9 TO 5 JOB AND WORK NON TRADITIONAL HOURS? NEED A FRIEND? SOMEONE TO TAKE AWAY THE BOREDOM OF YOUR EVERYDAY LIFE? GRIMES INC. HAS THAT FRIEND. FOR THE STAGGERINGLY LOW PRICE OF $24.95 A DAY, OR YOU COULD CHOOSE ONE OF OUR WEEKDAY BUNDLES STARTING AT $99.99/WEEK, YOU COULD LIVE THE DREAM AND SPEND ALL DAY HANGING OUT WITH A MAN KNOWN ONLY TO HIS FRIENDS AS "THE COMFORT". GET FIT PLAYING WII TENNIS OR BOWLING. MAYBE TAKE A SWIM AT THE LOCAL COMMUNITY CENTRE. TAKE A JOG OUT TO THE FAMOUS TORONTO WINDMILL. DON'T FEEL LIKE EXERCISE? WELL THEN CHOOSE A TV SHOW YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO WATCH AND ENJOY IT WITH A MARIJUANA CIGARETTE AND SOME GOOD COMPANY. LIKE TO LAUGH? WELL "THE COMFORT'S" WITTY BANTER AND ZANY STORIES WILL KEEP YOU IN STITCHES FOR HOURS! HIS APARTMENT IS WITHIN CLOSE PROXIMITY OF MANY FINE DINING ESTABLISHMENTS. TRULY THIS IS A MAN YOU NEED TO MEET. PROBLEMS WITH THE LADIES? WELL NOT ANYMORE. CALL NOW TO ENQUIRE ABOUT OUR FREE 1 HOUR COMFORT TRIAL HANGOUT."

I probalby shouldnt' have even mentioned this idea, i've been getting the goods for free, now he might want to start charging me.

Eric Grimes: Couldn't leave out yours truly now could I? However now you're all thinking, "jesus christ, what could Grimes possibly have to offer anyone at all?" Trust me there's something every woman would want!

"LADIES ARE YOU TIRED OF BEING USED AND ABUSED BY MEN? WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE LISTENED TO AND FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE THE UPPER HAND FOR A CHANGE? GRIMES INC. KNOWS YOUR PAIN AND WANTS TO HELP. NOT ONLY THAT OUR SERVICE WON'T COST YOU A DIME....IN FACT YOU'LL GET A FREE MEAL AND ENOUGH DRINKS TO MAKE YOUR HEAD SWIM! BE AMUSED AS YOUR YOUNG ESCORT ATTEMPTS TO WOO YOU WITH INANE EXAGERATED BABBLE. FEEL YOUR CONFIDENCE SOAR AS YOUR DATE LONGINGLY STARES AT YOU AND GETS HIS HOPES UP. THEN ENJOY THE SENSATION OF PLACING HIM IN THE FRIEND ZONE AND WATCH THE REALITY OF THE SITUATION COME CRASHING DOWN UPON HIM. GIGGLE TO YOURSELF AS HE STUMBLES ACROSS HIS WORDS "SO....I DONT KNOW IF YOU WANT TO....BUT IF YOU DID.....NOT SAYING THAT YOU DO BUT IF YOU DID....WE COULD ALWAYS GO UP TO MY PLACE....LIKE NOTHING HAS TO HAPPEN....BUT WE COULD HANG OUT....AND IF YOU WANTED TO STAY OVER.....WELL I MEAN....YOU COULD HAVE THE BED.....I COULD SLEEP ON THE COUCH.....OR THE FLOOR.....WHATEVER YOU WANTED....." THEN GIVE HIM A GENTLE HUG AND TELL HIM HE'S A GREAT FRIEND AND WALK AWAY FEELING JUST GREAT! ACT NOW, THE FIRST TEN CALLERS WILL GET FLOWERS THAT COST HIM FAR TOO MUCH!"

Now how is that for an offer ladies! Bring it on! Dish it out, i can take it!

Grimes Inc. is now officially open for business, for now we only have the four subtrades to our company, but Grimes Inc. is on the forefront of expansion, so stay tuned for more great offers including the can't miss Colin Pearson cornucopia.

Grimes Getting Hurt!

First off before i start my own post today, i'd like to add a little editor's note. We had a comment on one of the guest blogs yesterday that i'd just like to address. The person in question, who was anonymous, was none too pleased with the blog written by guestblogger AK. Now i understand for sure the content of said blog may not have been your cup of tea.....well it may not have been alot of people's cups of tea actually. Your comment was valid, no doubt about that. However for me personally, and i refuse to speak for my partner in crime "Alexander Kitz Canadian Pale Male", the whole point of this blog is to avoid censorship. It's for the two of us, aswell as anyone else who feels the inkling to express themselves, to be able to write about any and everything that we want. For the most part we keep it tastefu....well.....not really tasteful i guess....but at least we try not to piss people off, because the people who read this for the most part are friends of ours. I have known AK for a while. He's a good guy and he expressed an interest in adding something to the blog, I wanted to hear what he had to say, and i'm glad he did post, and if he wants to post again then he should feel free. That's the beauty of freedom of speech, and to the person who commented on his post, i'm glad you did comment and i appreciate your point, if you'd like the chance to add to this in a guestblog of your own, you need only ask, grimes17@hotmail.com is my email address.

Ok so now that we've tackled that subject, let's get to the stupid stuff! I decided today that you all deserve to hear about times i've hurt myself. Cause let's face it Wednesday is a pretty average day so why don't we all cheer up and gear up for the weekend with some pleasurable anecdotes about me in extreme pain.

The Fall: Hoo hoo hoo baby! What a doozy this one was. Ok i can't exactly remember how old i was, but if i had to guess i'd say around 12 years old. I had developed a mighty friendship through hockey with another young lad by the name of Rob Raham. Rob was a little on the hyper side but overall a fun kid. And even better he had a cottage on Lake Rosso in Muskoka. So he invited me up there one weekend with his fam and i gratefully accepted. The weather didn't cooperate too well however and we were stuck cooped up inside most of the weekend playing cards. We got a little sunshine one day and it was too cool to go swimming, so we took a walk down to the public tennis courts, but to our dismay, when we arrived, both were in use. However being kids and having the attention spans of a piece of toast, we couldn't just wait, so we decided to climb the tig ol' bree (big old tree) with the picnic bench underneath. This tree was pretty much perfect, tons of big thick branches everywhere all close together. So up we go, and eventually we get to the very top which is probably about the height of a two storey house. We're walking along one branch near the top, with our hands shimmying along a branch above. We notice that the tree ends in a stump at the top....not a good sign...the tree is dead....these branches can't be too strong.....CRACK! We didnt' fall right away, just heard a loud crack, enough time to look at each other in complete and utter dismay. SNAP! There we go, the branch beneath us breaks. We both managed to hold the branch above our heads for about a second or two......and then off we go! It was quite a long ride to the bottom....but we were lucky there were so many branches to go through cause they for sure slowed us down. We finally fall out the bottom, Rob somehow lands on his feet while i land with my tailbone on a root. Felt good. Haha i still remember Rob's sister yelling over to us, "ROB! Be careful!" And then going back to her tennis match. I wanted to yell back, "BITCH WHAT THE FUCK! I JUST FELL OUT OF A FUCKIN TREE! LITTLE HELP?" But i was 12....you just don't do that. So yeah i definitely got the worst of it, my right forearm, on the hairless part, i pretty much had lost a good amount of skin from the elbow to the wrist. And then i had assorted cuts and bruises over my other limbs. I felt bad for poor Rob's mom cause she had to deliver me back to my parents with bandages all over the place, but it was cool cause my parents don't really like me anyways so they were fine with it.

The Boot: Rugby. What a sport. I played five years in high school and my first year of University before my ankles took over and told me that I in fact was a 90 year old man and couldn't do it anymore. I wasn't too shabby either. Little self promotion there. Anyways so one wonderful game in O.A.C., we were playing an away game against a team i can't remember, and i'm going to assume we were killing them cause for the most part we usually did. So i was playing scrum half and one of their backs had the ball and was running on an angle towards the sideline. I managed to chase him down, and i could see it all unfolding in my head, miraculous try saving diving tackle, accolades from all my peers, head cheerleader in a whipped cream bikini that night, an assembly in my honor. Nope....not exactly what happened. I did in fact dive and managed to wrap the guy up around the waist, and i started to twist him down. That was when my old pal Derek "Not So Comfort" Mumford decided, "hey....looks like Eric's got this tackle in the bag....but maybe i should crank this guy's upper body as he's falling to make it an even bigger hit.....god i love Marijuana!" So he did. And in the process he gives me a full out boot to the face. I remember the impact striking me directly in the nose. Then i think i blacked out for a couple seconds, only to open my eyes to a whole lot of red liquid spraying out of my face. Yes that's right Derek had been playing the whole game with a pitcher of KOOL-AID in his shorts. Oh no wait that was my blood. So i was attended to by our trainer, and then lead off the field quite woozy, but with no serious injuries other than a lifetime of hatred for Mumford lodged firmly in my heart.

The Skate: I think i would have been about 6 when this next incident took place. My elementary school, Linbrook, had successfully created an outdoor ice rink on the soccer field one winter, and so one night, my Dad, my brother, and myself mosied on over for a little skoot around on the ice. We played myself and Mark against old Pappy. As the night wore on i believe eventually Big Mel called "last goal wins", and being the hell of a father that he is, he probably let us win. Mark scored the game winning goal and he was skating towards me to celebrate. What a moment! "Mark! Dearest older brother! What a goal! We actually defeated the old tyrant and.....WHOOPS!" Mark slipped backwards as i stumbled forwards and Mark's skate blade goes sliding right into my nose. So there i am wailing away as blood flows down my face and i have a gash between my eyes on the bridge of my nose. See my family always makes fun of me for this next part, and it's completley unjustified, apparently i was screaming my head off when my dad took me into get stitches, and he claims it was embarrassing! EMBARRASSING? EXCUSE ME? The fuckin quack that prevented the brains from streaming out of my face didn't even freeze me! He said that there wasn't enough meat where i was cut to properly freeze me, i have a small nose, so sue me. So a 6 year old kid who just took a sharp foot sized knife to the face is screaming as a doctor jams a needle in and out of his face. Jesus Christ Grimes family, like i know we like to laugh and joke around but to insinuate that i'm a little pussy in that moment is just plain.......well true i guess......but either way fuck you.

The SeeSaw: Now i think i've definitely mentioned this one before, but it's what brought this column to mind so i figured i'd pay it a second tribute, cause in truth it was pretty awesome. I saw an old picture of me this weekend, hanging out with all my cousins, and i'm sporting an absolute banger of a black eye in it. A real beaut. I look about 7 or 8 years old in the photo, which means i was probably in fact 9 or 10, seeing as how for most of my school life i looked at least two years younger than i actually was. You should try it sometime, really good for the confidence with the ladies.

"Hey you want to go out sometime?"

"Awww....sorry little man....you're a little cutie.....maybe once you're all grown up!"

"Uhhh.....i'm 16 and i'm in all your classes...."

So anyways how did i get this black eye? Well Mike Denby and I used to hang out a fair amount as youngsters. He had a wicked cool tree house/playground in his backyard, including a seesaw. So a favorite past time of ours was to find launchable items.....and then proceed to launch them. One person loads the item, which was often these awesome big wrestling figures like Ravishing Rick Rude or Coco B-Ware, and when it was go time the other one would slam the one end of the seesaw down and send that wrestler into orbit. Fuck yeah it was awesome. So one time i was finishing loading the item in question, and old Michael Robert, who's never been the cleanest sock in the drawer, decides to launch before i'm ready. Seesaw swings up and BLAMARAM! it's lights out for young Optimus Grime. I'm lying there, probably with my soul halfway out of my body, seeing stars, and young MRD goes screaming past me running to the house, "I KILLED HIM! I KILLED MY BEST FRIEND!" I continue to lie there picturing my new life as a disfigured mongoloid, and Mrs. Denby god bless her comes running out and leads me inside. She slaps a pack of frozen peas on my face and eventually takes me home. Medicine runs in the Denby blood with Big John Denby being a doctor and Mrs. D being a nurse, so she informed me to sleep on my side with my good eye on the pillow to avoid swelling. FUCK THAT! If i go through all that pain i'm at least going to have something to show for it. So i slept with the mangled eye down.....not smart (as i've proven more than a few times already). The next morning it pretty much looked like i'd glued a purple basketball to my face. Eventually however it settled into a pretty kickass black eye and i got laid more than a few times because of it i'm proud to say.

So there you go everyone, i hope you enjoyed me getting hurt. I hope each time you could actually see the incident in your mind and imagine the pain coursing through my body. I hope i've brought a little enjoyment to your Wednesday's you sadistic S.O.B.'s. Til we meet again.

-McGrime the Grime Dawg

Palmer's inaugural Habs blog

Alright so it seems that today is the day of the guest blogger. Not only did my main man AK drop one hell of a blog on us a little while ago, but now i have the pleasure of posting Dave "Poundcake" Palmer's first ever blog that will be near and dear to my heart as I am a loyal Habs fan for life. Consider yourself lucky today everyone, and if you ever feel like throwing down a little blog of your own, just ask for the password or email it to me and consider it done! Without further ado.....Palmer's habs blog.

I'm going to start my guest blogging debut with something that is very close to my heart. There are very few things in the world that I 'LOVE'. This is not a word that I throw around very easily. I love my family (Jackson and Bones included). I love music. I love laughing and having a great time. I have told one girlfriend that I loved her (boy did that relationship ever go south) and one close friend (super gay but we've been friends for a couple decades)

There is one thing that I know for sure that I love; always have, always will. My earliest memory was in my aunt and uncle's basement. I was maybe 4 or 5. My older cousin (5 years older than I am) was playing video games with his friend and they asked me a question. This question was important because it would shape my life. I didn't realize it at the time but the friend was a leafs fan and my cousin was a habs fan. The friend: "Hey Dave, what's your favourite hockey team?" Trying to pick the answer that I figured would most impress my cousin whom I greatly looked up to: "uhhh.da maypo lweafs?" Unbiased at the time, I saw the look on my cousin's face and immediately changed my answer. I stuck with it, and you know what? I will NEVER, EVER in my life regret it.

I LOVE the Montreal Canadiens. I know I'm going to take some heat from all the leafs fans, but I've been doing it my whole life and I'll defend the Habs until I'm black and blue in the face. Too much? Fuck you.

I remember when I was in grade 4, which was in 1992-93. Joey McBain (the cool guy in class) was a huge leafs fan, which by default made everyone. I stuck with my habs. I was probably one of the only kids in school that had a habs starter jacket and baseball cap. Boy did McBain ever eat shit when the Habs won the cup that year. Getting to stay up extra late to watch Guy 'creamy bacon' Carbonneau hold up that cup gave me the biggest smile I can remember. This will forever be a fond memory for me.

After that, the habs were fairly quiet, but I stuck with them. They pretty consistently have made it to the playoffs and have even made it to the second round a few times. In 2004, they squeezed in to the 8th playoff spot only to play the powerhouse of a team, the Boston Bruins. They won the series 4-2 only to lose to the Stanley Cup winning Hurricanes in the next round. Last year they took first in the east and that was not at all easy to do with teams like Pittsburgh, Ottawa and Boston. They beat Boston in the first round but lost to the Flyers (who went to the cup).

In grade 7, like every student in Ontario, I was commissioned to write and present a speech on the topic of my choice. I don't think it takes a brain surgeon to figure out what I chose. I actually came in 2nd place and lost to 'the cute girl' in class who probably talked about troll dolls or Polly Pocket or who cares what else. I guess troll dolls are cool? Fuck it, I had a few.

The ultimate reason why I know I love this team is because of a distinct thing that happened this year. I, for the first time in my life, made the trip to the BELL Centre in Montreal, which for me is my MECCA. The atmosphere, and the feeling of knowing that I was surrounded by 21,500 adoring fans, who love the Canadiens just as much as I do: priceless. Of course I was drunk, which turned me into a big watery-eyed baby. Never in my life have I had so much fun. Chanting the Ole chant at the top of my lungs, high fiving complete strangers every time the habs scored and going just bat-shit crazy when they scored in OT to win the gameI will, at the very minimum, go to one habs game per year. I've already made plans to head down to good ole' MSG in NYC on April 7th to see the habs play the New York Rangers. SO STOKED!

This year they are playing unreal hockey (though not the past two games). The team is an equal mix of seasoned vets, up-and-coming youngsters and great goaltending. They're tough, fast and smart. I've said it before and I'll say it again: It's a great year to be a habs fan. With Creamy B and Kirk Muller (the respective captain and assistant captain of the '93 winning team) behind the bench, I can't help but feel like this year could be really special. I don't want to jinx it, but just know that if Kovy or Koivu end up hoisting that cup for the 25th time in team history, this guy right here will be one happy little dude.

N'I'm out

Out of Left Field

First off I would like to give thanks to Mary Jane for providing the time in your hectic life to let myself watch and enjoy as a voyeur of your sexcapade with Redman. God, that was a great concert. I can't believe how crazy Red really is. Before I tell this story and many other random stuff, I am known as AK [Editor's Note: A different AK from editor Alex Kitz who does not smoke dope or practice medicine] because I cannot have my name posted on this blog due to my professional career. When you get into medicine, the whole world stares you down and are just waiting for you to make a mistake so the MAN can fuck you up and take away that license. And what then??? Nothing, I'll be screwed and will forever be known as the guy who wrote the blog that chronicled his past life smokin' out and got fired. The Next Cheech and Chong doctor. But I won't write anything about myself doing any of that stuff because well let's say, MJ and myself divorced. That was a lifetime ago. But you are probably thinking his name is AK??? Just like the AK47? Exactly. Burrraap Blap Blap! If only that was how the Kalshenikov sounded. I am a virgin to the internet blogging world and I am really excited like Denby for the first time in his life actually giving a fuck about making sweet sweet love to his bitches.

To tell you the truth, the last time I have seen Grimes, Denby, Dougie Fresh and Julien would have to be 4-5 years ago. But I did meet them in 2001 and boy, do I remember it like yesterday. The glorious 1st year of McGill. Which reminds me, Grimes, I owe you $5. It was for the night when we all went to the Peeler and that night I puked up 24 $1 shots of B-52s while I was sleeping and I ended up wanting to sleep in my own puke but Kweku (my roommate) was not having any of that. The $5 came in when I had no money the next day to wash my bedsheets. But I digress.

I went to a Redman concert in Poland while I was there doing medical school. My brother, a couple of my friends and myself were the only ones that spoke english and were able to get backstage. We kicked it with DJ Kool. He's a cool motherfucker. Meanwhile, Red is fuckin' crazy. During the concert, he climbs two stories high off some balcony that overlooked the venue and dove mosh style into the crowd. It was insane! I even have a picture at the time him crashing into us as we saved his ass from having a broken back. It was gravy!

So lately, I've been racking up the mileage in Cougarville. Such a great place to be. There's the great NSA policy. I don't know what it is with cougars but after watching John Cho make out with Stiffler's mom, I've been down with cougars. I should be Mayor of that city. I am sure to get elected by a landslide. I remember one time I met this hottie whose husband and kids were out of town and I went to her place and there she was when I rang the doorbell, in a fuckin' schoolgirl outfit. I looked up into the sky and gave my thanks to Britney Spears. Sometimes the best part about cougars is the fact, you can go bareback. Its great because I've been able to have the opportunity to bust multiple nutz inside of 'em LOL. I know it sounds dirty, but I do not give a fuck. Don't hate the player, hate the game.

On another note, I've watched a few movies in my spare time while I've been taking breaks from studying for my licensing exam. I just saw TAKEN. That movie is fucking great. One of the best movies I have seen. I do not want to ruin this movie for anyone but the scene with the RED DOOR is gold. This movie surrounds this guy who is ex-CIA and his daughter gets kidnapped while backpacking through Europe, and he goes on a rampage to find his daughter. That's it. That's all you need to know. Also, I saw SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE and that movie's depiction about the slums of India is pretty much reality. That movie reminded me of City of God with the portrayal of the Brazilian slums. Same idea. Or that movie with the gangster kid from South Africa. I do not recall the name of that movie for some reason and its going to bug the hell out of me [Editors Note: It was the 2005 movie Tsotsi]. I hope someone knows what I am talking about. That all depends if you did not get bored of my blog and are reading on.

Lastly, I think I am starting to hate the radio. All I hear is the same shit over and over again. Its really starting to piss me off. There is music that I like so much that I hate after hearing it a ridiculous amount of times on the radio. Like 'Ooops I did it again' by Britney Spears. Such a great song. Everytime I bust a nut in a cougar, that's what I think about haha. Well not really, but you get my dirty joke, I would hope. But seriously, its popcorn music that people like, the catchy shit. Someone can make a loop of when you hear the ice cream truck rumbling down the street. I bet there is a song out there already with that sample. Bastards! Eminem dropped a new single called 'Crack a Bottle' and its such a good song, but I will probably hear it on the radio so much that I will just end up wishing that I heard 'OOops I did it again' one more time. For those that do not know about hip hop, Phonte from Little Brother dissed Kanye West for biting the auto-tuning from T-Pain. I agree with him on this issue. If you guys have never heard of Little Brother, they are the sickest hip hop group out there. Just fuckin' good music. And they can rap and sing quality. If you heard Kanye West try and sing, he really can't. His voice sounds ok on his album but when he is live, he starts crackin' up and his flaws show up big time. In the studio, it was bearable to listen to but I just get turned off everytime I see his live singing. Just bad! He sounds like a deaf kid trying to sing. I know this secondhand. The only people that should be allowed to use the Roger Troutman synthesizin' is Erick Sermon. That man makes the dopest beats out there. Sure Dr. Dre is a given, but if you did not know, Eric Sermon learned a lot from Mr. Troutman and his implementation of the synthesizer in the beatz are off da hook.

I think that is more than enough chroniclin' now. I'll throw down some more stuff later on in life. Peace out!