On The Trail

Day 2

(technically still Day 1, but you're all getting drunk right now, so I can probably get away with posting this 3 hours early)

“I Hope I die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming at the top of my lungs like the passengers in his car” 

OR 

How McCain’s Loss Will Hurt Him, But Destroy the Republican Party.

What we are seeing is the worst of the Republican Party. And what’s particularly interesting about it is that it’s being pushed by a man who could have been the hope of the Republican Party. 

It will be no surprise to casual observers that the Red/Blue map hasn’t always been that way. Johnson famously declared as he signed the Civil Rights Act: “we’ve lost the South for a generation.” Nixon knew it too. Nixon was perhaps the most aggressive candidate to go after the 50+1 theory. The theory that you didn’t have to be popular, you didn’t even have to be liked (that much). You just had to appeal to 50% of the Electoral College and one extra person. 

That’s what made Obama’s 50-State strategy (since modified towards “reality”) so interesting. He wasn’t just after the blue state plus one (Florida or Ohio). Because he knew that if he went that route, the chances of losing were higher. By adding more states, and now that number is quite large, there was any permeation of combinations that could win him the White House. It increased the odds of winning. It was a really interesting plan. And an impressive one. And it may just work.

But I digress; the point is that McCain should have been running a similar campaign on his side. In 2000, McCain was widely liked and respected. Amazingly, he was still widely liked amongst independents (the only people who matter) leading into this campaign. Bush won a number of states in 2004, but he didn’t bridge the divide. And he needed to. The Christian Right was an anomaly of statistics. A group that had not been exploited effectively and which had a pre-fab grassroots communication system in place. It worked for two cycles, but it’s losing steam now. 

There’s the old saying, “you don’t switch horses mid-stream.” Well you especially shouldn’t switch to the wheezing, grey haired horse with a visible limp. Republicans would have voted McCain even if he hadn’t gone medieval on Abortion Rights. And they wouldn’t throw away their vote – not when that resulted in a stinking pinko commie coming into power. They were a set group. And yet McCain panicked. He worried too much, decided to re-affirm his base in August (you never have a sure base in August) and in doing so lost the independents he needed. Boy howdy did he lose them. Sarah Palin is one example, but they are many more.

So why is this bad for the Republican Party? Because McCain is actually a good politician. Like I said to a colleague the other day – McCain wasn’t born an asshole. Amazingly, if he hadn’t panicked, gone the high-road and actually appealed to independents, this race would be very, very close. But he didn’t, he will lose (knock on wood) and the Republican Party will pick some young gun from their ranks whose policies are actually even more divisive than McCains. 

The irony is that the polls say it all. When McCain doesn’t attack, independents like him more. Liberals see this and say, “man, if he’d just run a bit more cleanly, he would be winning.” While Conservatives see this and say, “man, if he’d just gone dirtier sooner we would have pulled this Democrat chump limb from limb by now and we wouldn’t have to be worried about him!”

McCain was a good pick in 2000 because he could have been a lot of things to a lot of people. In 2008, that will prove his undoing. He will immortalize the insanity of close-minded Republicanism for the Left and reaffirm the belief that you must destroy the opponent at all costs for the Right. And that is going to keep digging the Right into a deeper and deeper hole.

One wonders if, upon hanging up the phone on the evening of November 4th, McCain will think to himself, “we’ve lost the independents for a generation.” Probably not. He’ll probably think to himself, “I’m tired” while the Republican party screams in the back seat.

The World of Sports through the eyes of a moron

Today is Friday, and since i probably won't be posting jack shit on the weekends, it's time to run through this week in the NFL and make some picks, on Monday we can see how i did.

San Diego Chargers @ Buffalo Bills

Line: Even

Pick: Buffalo

This pick is purely biased. I'm a Bills fan so i take Buffalo. However the Bills are coming off a bye week, Trent Edwards is healthy, and the Chargers are reeling with injuries.

Minnesota Vikings @ Chicago Bears

Line: Chicago by 1

Pick: Chicago

Could have gone either way with this one. AP isn't at 100% and Chicago at home is never a pleasant place to play though so i'm taking DA BEARS!

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Cincinatti Bengals

Line: Pittsburgh by 8

Pick: Pittsburgh

Cincinatti's at home, but unfortunately they're the Bengals and they suck. 8 point is a large spread but i don't see this one staying close for long.

Tennessee Titans @ Kansas City Chiefs

Line: Tennessee by 7.5

Pick: Tennessee

Sorry Favre but you know it as well as i do, the Chiefs blow. Combine that with Tennessee being undefeated and having a monster running game and arguably the best defence in the league. I think your boys are in trouble this week.

Dallas Cowboys @ St. Louis Rams

Line: Dallas by 6.5

Pick: Dallas

Yes Romo probably won't play. And this game's in St. Louis. And the Cowboys aren't playing great football. But with both T.O. and Roy Williams at receiver i could probably throw for 300 yards and a couple touchdowns. Which is all you're going to need to beat up on the Rams.

Baltimore Ravens @ Miami Dolphins

Line: Miami by 1.5

Pick: Miami

Miami has looked impressive at times this year with their new 2 RB offense. However this week they're going up against one of the league's best defenses. Should be interesting. But i think they'll manage to break a couple big plays and Baltimore's offense has been stagnant this year as usual.

San Francisco 49ers @ New York Giants

Line: Giants by 6.5

Pick: Giants

The 49ers have been a surprising team this year. However the Superbowl Champs at home and they only have to win by a touchdown? Easy call. Giants for sure.

New Orleans Saints @ Carolina Panthers

Line: Even
Pick: Saints

I'm taking the Saints although again this one is close. Drew Brees is having an outstanding year and Reggie Bush is finally becoming the big game scoring machine he was touted to be out of USC.

Detroit Lions @ Houston Texans

Line: Houston by 5

Pick: Houston

Andre Johnson is one of the best receivers in the league and i'm calling for a big game here. Detroit just lost one of it's top receivers, and has two inexperienced quarterbacks to choose from. I dont' think this game will even be close.

New York Jets @ Oakland Raiders

Line: Jets by 4.5

Pick: Jets

Oakland has two good running backs, but no passing game cause they have no receivers. It doesn't help a running game when the opposition knows you can't pass. Jets have been a funny team though this year, sometimes they show, sometimes they don't. I still think they'll win by a TD.

Indianapolis Colts @ Green Bay Packers

Line: Indy by 2

Pick: Green Bay

I originally wrote Indy down, but GB at home is tough to bet against. This in my opinion is the game of the week. Indy's offense is coming on strong lately, and both teams are desperate for a win and in situations no one expected. More of a toss up, but i'll take Green Bay.

Cleveland Browns @ Washington Redskins

Line: Washington by 2.5

Pick: Washington

No doubt about this one, yes everyone's going to look at the Browns inspired effort against the Giants Monday night. But so far the Redskins somehow seem to be the team to beat in the NFC. Jason Campbell is playing consistent and showing leadership. Clinton Portis has been a machine. Skins all the way in this one.

Seattle Seahawks @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Line: Bucs by 8.5

Pick: Bucs

Big spread yes. But Seattle? They don't really have anything anymore. No running game. No passing game. Their defence is just ok. The Bucs have been solid this year.

MONDAY NIGHTER:

Denver Broncos @ New England Patriots

Line: Denver by 3.5

Pick: Denver
Really tough pick here, a few weeks ago, i would have said Denver all the way. But what the hell happened to them? Is it just that other teams figured out to cover Brandon Marshall? Either way New England is a shell of their former self without Brady, they're confidence and swagger is gone. Broncos will buck them.

Unrequired Sports

Derek "The Comfort" Mumford

The Other Argument

Andy Reid. Once Brian Belick (BAL) was fired at the end of last season the door was left open for Reid to take sole possession of ‘worst coach in the NFL’. The opposing argument would be his record of 96-62, but does this make him a good coach? Think about it. He was there for the beginning of the Favre era in Green Bay (’92) then moves to the Eagles for Donovan’s entrance into the league (’99). I should clarify I’m commenting on Reid as a game day head coach. I’m assuming he is a good practice coach or an even better QB coach but someone should have taken play calling away from him a long time ago. Since Reid has taken over, Philadelphia has had a 60%-65% passing offense. “Why? You don’t like balance?” [said in Jim Gaffigan’s voice]. In recent years the highest passing Super Bowl champs have been the 2006 Colts and 1999 St. Louis “Greatest Show on Turf” Rams at 55%. Just saying. Then there’s clock management, essential for an NFL head coach these days. In his 18th season Reid still has not grasped this elusive part of the game. As it happens in their 3 wins this season the Eagles have averaged a 19pt difference so there have not been many 2-minute drill come backs for Philly in 2008 leaving my theory untested this year but just wait for it. (Though there was a 4th down goal stuff in Chicago and a three and done from the 2-yard line at home against Washington, both occurring near the end of each loss. Coaching anyone? Maybe they should have tried the single wing.)

The Top Ten Reasons Mumford Rules

I'm going to try and do a top ten list every so often, here's the first.

10.) He's one of the very few friends i have that also follows sports

9.) He can open beers with his engineering ring, i tried once and almost ripped my finger off

8.) He picked up his girlfriend at a bar, and she's kind of awesome

7.) He 100% definitely suffers from voice immodulation. (aka he talks so loud)

6.) He's the only close guy friend i have who has a cottage

5.) He will have a bionic back in the near future, possibly with a remote control

4.) He loves weed

3.) He's seen more movies than Ebert & Roeper combined (ROPES!)

2.) He wobbles back and forth a bit when he walks

1.) It's Friday, he ain't go not job, and he ain't got shit to do

Let me tell you, why i suck!

So that nutshot idea really went down the tubes pretty quick.

I mean kitzy figured it out pretty easily, how to put a video up from youtube, so why can't I?

I mean having to click on a link is so 2007, any blog worth it's weight in gold will give you the ability to watch the youtube video right on their site. Pathetic.

Nutshot of the Day

New feature on this blog, i will post a daily video from youtube of someone getting smoked in the nuts.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PefzkK9zMcY

Nonsensical Jibber Jabber

Morning loyal readers (aka: HI MIKE!),

What a beautiful day, sure it's a bit nipply out, i'm pretty sure one of my balls retreated back inside my body for warmth this morning, but what's important is that it's friday. Just saying the word Friday makes me happy. It's perfect, say it to yourself right now, everytime you do you'll feel a little tingle of excitement from memories of friday's past, a little sense of comfort from knowing you can sleep a bit later for a couple days, and then of course we're in the heart of football season so even sunday's are good again.

There's a little bit of sadness of course, for today is the day that Kitzy has left us for a few weeks. But we all know that he's going to come back stronger, faster, and more political than ever. So for people like me who haven't been able to understand a single political column of his yet, then just wait cause it's only giong to get more confusing.

Since it's friday and it's an easygoing day let's talk about the weekend? What are you up to? I've got an old high school friend coming to town tonight from L.A., so i'm going to be heading out with her and her friends and some of mine. Not sure where yet. Then tomorrow it's one of my sister's friends birthdays, so me and my old pal Mikey Delish, otherwise known as Das Denbotech will be doing it up in fine style and trying our hardest to humiliate our sisters. As for Sunday, well the Bills are playing the Chargers, so my fat ass is going to be planted firmly on my couch, i defy you to try and get me off it. I think The Comfort might post another football column today so let's all look forward to that.

On The Trail

Day 1

Well all, I'm in the airport - so there's not too much news in terms of the political sphere. The teevee just told me that there will probably be a delay so I'm going to be stuck in Phili for a little while longer which will give me even more time to bask in Americana.

America - as some of you have so unfortunately found out - is an absolute passion of mine. I love America. Many Canadians say that sarcastically, but I don't. I really mean it. So I hope you millions of readers out there will bear with me over the next 30 days as I oscillate between studying politics and studying these fine American creatures.

But enough of that. Let's get to the meat of it. I said that there wasn't too much news in terms of the political sphere, but there is big news from the sports sphere and there is one crucial lesson we can take from it.

Last night the Red Sox were down 7-0 to the Rays after 6 innings. Teetering on defeat, trailing the Rays 3-1 in the series, many fans had already left when Ortiz, Drew and Crisp started poking balls out of the park. The Sox came back to win in a stirring come from behind and extend the series. Even if you don't like the Sox, you had to admit that it was pretty inspiring. And informing...

The "Rally From Behind" is the most dangerous creature you can let out of the bag. It is a slippery slope. It is a million different metaphors, but mostly it is this - doom for one of the two at the table. Crushing, heartbreaking doom. You were SO CLOSE!! As soon as Ortiz tacked three up on the board with his home run, the Sox were inspired and the Rays suddenly found themselves on their heels. Momentum. It is one of the most basic forces in physics and means this: if you can gain a bit of it, you can steamroll. And if you can't get a good grip on it, you find yourself hurtling through space with nothing to hold on to.

What I'm trying to say is this, the Sox taught us a valuable lesson last night: It's Not Over Till It's Over.

The second you let yourself relax, that's when it starts to fall apart. So for everyone looking at Obama and thinking, "+14!! Sick! I'm gonna get hiiiiiiiiiiigh!" just remember that McCain - though old, decrepit, senile, a windbag, erratic, out of touch, angry, and- well, you get my point - could still hit a grad slam. He could still pull something, anything out of his ass. And if he does, and momentum changes, it is something that no one will be able to stop.

You go out to play the full 60 minutes, every time. So the second you see Obama smiling too much, feeling too relaxed, start yelling at the teevee. Scream at it.  I'm pretty sure Obama will be able to hear you.

Unrequired Sports

Derek "The Comfort" Mumford

The Single Wing

So by now we all know about the single wing or Miami’s “wild cat” offense. What we don’t know is why every team with a quality two-headed RB attack doesn’t try it at least once. The dolphins can run this offense to a tee because they have a perfect fit with Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams in the backfield. Other teams desperate for offensive production have tried this attack as well, including Oakland. Why not the Vikings (Peterson/C. Taylor), Tampa (Graham/Dunn), or Dallas (Barber/F. Jones)? I heard the comment of “well if you have an established offense you don’t need to run this set” or something similar. Why not? You don’t like yards and TD’s? Miami has 5 TD’s rushing and 2TD’s passing, one of which was a sweet 80yd flee-flicker this past Sunday against the Texans. Basically any team with a backfield by committee setup should be the first to ride the coat tails of this idea (“It’s a copy-cat league, Tony” – PTI, Michael Wilbon) along with them, teams with a solid No.2 back. Personally I would love to see this single wing set run by the Eagles. Think about it, in six games, pretty much split down the middle with 3 a piece; Brian Westbrook and Correll Buckhalter are averaging game totals of 100yds, 2Td and 125yds 1Td respectively. Odds of this set being seen out of Philly don’t look good with Andy Reid at the helm, but that’s another argument.

Other double threat backfields; JAC (Jones-Drew/Taylor), BUF (Lynch/Jackson), SD (LT/Sproles), CAR (Williams/Stewart), NO (Bush/McAllister), IND (Addai/Rhodes)

Guestpass

"THE COMFORT"

For all those millions of loyal readers out there, this is just a shoutout, if you want to post on here, just ask and i'll give you the password. No topic is out of bounds (well actually maybe a few, no racism, no terrorism, but sexism is allowed and encouraged) so if you want to write about something cause you feel strongly about it, or because you don't feel strongly about it, well then you've come to the right place, cause when you're having a good time, might as well have a better time.

Don't believe me? well i believe any minute now young Derek Mumford or "The Comfort" as we call him, is going to post a little column on football i believe. Now take it easy on him cause it's his first time and he's not the quickest little cockroach. But what he lacks in style and tact, he makes up for in honesty and brute force. He's a real beaut....and i think you're going to like him.

Unrequired Sports

Derek "The Comfort" Mumford

Before getting into the first installment of 'Unrequired Sports' my mentor, Eric "The Diamond" Grimes, suggested I write a short intro explaining as he put it "how I fuck". First off you should know that I read at a grade 5 level and have the writing skills of a slow 3rd grader. So if your thing is grammar and sentence structure these articles will not be for you. If you enjoy uninformed rants or anything NFL have a read and enjoy. Peace!

The Ol' Ticker

AFTERNOON DELIGHT

"must eat braaaaiiiiiins!!"

I didn't post anything that delightful yesterday (with the exception of Conan's awesome "Is McCain Senile?" sketch) and I'm going to cop out today as well and just post this: McCain getting a bit lost on stage (again) at the end of a debate (again). Except this time, apparently trying to grab Barracks "obamas." Mmmmm, forbidden lust. Or is he trying to steal his wallet? (talk about role reversal!!) I'll let you be the judge.

Also - just in case McCain croaks and we're not allowed to make fun of him anymore, FFW to 2:25 on the below video to see a pretty good animated impression of Walnuts.

                       

The Ol' Ticker

UPDATE:

Whew! I'm getting tired here! Usually I'd put my feet up and relax for a bit, but this story just keeps coming hard and heavy.

Turns out that “Joe the Plumber,” as he became nationally known when Senator John McCain made him a theme at Wednesday night’s third and final presidential debate, may run a plumbing business but he is not a licensed plumber. His full name is Samuel J. Wurzelbacher. And he owes a bit in back taxes.

An official at Local 50 of the plumber’s union, based in Toledo, said Mr. Wurzelbacher does not hold a license. He also has never served an apprenticeship and does not belong to the union. (The national plumber’s union, the United Association of Plumbers, Steamfitters, and Service Mechanics, endorsed Mr. Obama, it should be noted.)

“All contractors are licensed, and he does not have a license, either as a contractor or a plumber,” the union official said, citing a search of government records. “I can’t find that he’s ever even applied for any kind of apprenticeship, and he has never belonged to local 189 in Columbus, which is what he claims on his Facebook page.”

According to public records, Mr. Wurzelbacher has been subject to two liens, each over $1,000, one of which — a personal tax lien — is still outstanding.

And his question to Mr. Obama about paying taxes? According to some tax analysts, if Mr. Wurzelbacher’s gross receipts from his business is $250,000 — and not his taxable income — then he would not have to pay higher taxes under Mr. Obama’s plan, and probably would be eligible for a tax cut.

The Ol' Ticker

Joe is Muhfukkin' CRAZY!! And Also a Planted Republican (and also a fake Mats Sundin)



So for the hundreds of thousands of people who have been tuning in to hear all the great things Grimes & I have to say, I'm sure you were a bit curious about my post this morning concerning Joe The Plumber. Sure, I had a picture of him. But the probing minds of our legions of fans wanted to know - who is Joe, really. Now that we have the video from his interview this morning on Good Morning America I can tell you. He is a crazy motherfucker.

First off - he doesn't make over $250,000. So, let's just get this out of the way, in NO WAY does Obama's tax plan effect him. But that's not the problem for Joe. The problem is that he doesn't think it's right to penalize people for making a lot of money ever. That, just because you've made more than 95% of the population, you shouldn't have any added responsibility. Just because you have made all of your money off of 95% of the population, that's no reason that you should give more back to all those people you made it from.

What's hard about conversations like this is that there's no argument I can make, because Joe the Plumber and I are just speaking completely different languages. For starters he's obviously an ardent Republican. He's obviously ardently small government and he's obviously not that into thinking rationally.

So all I can say to the thousands of registered American voters who troll our humble website - Joe the Plumber represents the very wealthiest 5% of the American population. He is literally a wolf in sheep's clothing, pretending to voice the concerns of the middle class because he works on sewer mains, while dropping every single wealthy republican talking point under the sun.

By the by, when the "undecided Voter" starts appearing on stage to speak at rallies for Senator McCain, you might want to wonder just how non-partisan his comments are...

The World of Sports through the eyes of a moron

Alright welcome to your daily sports column, the question is which subject to tackle today. So far in my two entries i've discussed an overview of the week in sports, and then the unfortunate death of Alexei Cherepanov. Today i've decided to discuss just a few random interesting stories i've read recently.

First off espn.com had a great article today about a kid named Trevor Wikre from Mesa State College in Colorado. Now keep in mind Mesa State is a Division II school, which means that this guy basically has no chance at going pro or anything like that. Trevor is in his final year of eligibility for football, and in a recent game his pinky finger on his right hand got caught in an opponents jersey while he attempted to make a tackle, and WHOOPSYDAISY he looked down and there's the old finger bone popping out of the skin. Pretty gruesome indeed. However not nearly as gruesome as the decision that followed this injury. You see Trevor loves football, more than most people, he loves his teammates, he loves everything about the sport, so when the doctors told him it would take four months to heal he made the ultimate decision. CUT THAT MOTHER FUCK OFF!!! Yes that's right, rather than miss the final season of competitive football of his life, he told the doctors to amputate his pinky finger so that he could continue playing for the season. So they did, so now he only has 4 fingers on his right hand.....for the rest of his life. Trevor is said to be having troubles eating handfuls of M&M's, holding the remote control, and repeatedly forgets to include P's when typing. He also said that whenever he masturbates now it feels like a stranger. Ok well he didn't say that, but i'm sure it's the truth. Let's hope he can switchhit. He still missed one game of the season but Mesa State seems to be motivated by Trevor's decision and is currently 5-0 so far this season.

Subject the second. David Frost. Anyone remember this crazy bastard? It was a few years ago now, but it was a pretty strange story that emanated from the NHL. Does the name Mike Danton ring a bell? Well back in 2004 Danton was playing for the St. Louis Blues, when out of nowhere his name was splashed across headlines all over North America. You see Danton had been attempting to hire a hitman to kill his then agent, David Frost. Danton is currently twiddling his thumbs in a federal penitentiary, and will be for another couple of years at least. It's such a bizarre case with so many twists and turns that i won't fully dive into it. But the gist is that Frost was Danton's (his real name was Mike Jeffereson, but he changed it to Danton once he disowned his parents) coach in junior hockey. Apparently he would manipulate his players, he kept a room at a hotel and three of the players lived there and stories surfaced years later about wild parties, puck bunnies galore from the high schools, and crazy hazing rituals. Frost had quite a talent for twisting the minds of his players so they were loyal to him and did his bidding. Whether he was responsible for Danton disowning his family remains to be seen, but Frost pretty clearly had goals to coach higher levels of hockey, and constantly attempted to represent his talented players should they reach higher levels of hockey. Following the attempted killing of Frost by Danton, stories leaked out of Deseronto, Ontario, stories of sexual abuse at the hands of frost, both male and female. Frost is soon going to be on trial and faces 12 counts of sexual exploitation however as unbelievable as it seems, many of the players he once coached are still loyal to their old mentor. One of them drives him to and from court hearings, and recently jumped another one of Frost's players and pummeled him in a hockey game, because the kid was one of the whistle blowers against David Frost. Overall it's one of teh strangest stories i've ever heard of in hockey and deserves a read if you get the chance. Pop on over to espn.com to read the full article.

Fairwell to Kitzy

Yes folks, that's right, you've come to know and love him over the last few days of this blog, but he will be leaving us, you see young Alex Kitz and his love of politics are heading south of the border to aid in Barack Obama's presidential campaign. Young Alex will be stationed somewhere in Florida for the next few weeks and will be kept busy delivering coffee and "WHERE'S MY GRILLED CHEEEEEEEEEESE?" Now the thing is, does that mean he can't post on the blog? Absolutley not, i'm sure he'll still be posting so nothing will really change, plus he'll have alot of interesting shit to say about the presidential race so stay tuned for that. So i guess he won't be leaving us at all....turns out the internet is universal....

As for me, well yesterday i got kind of drunk and played golf all day in my company golf tournament, it was a good time indeed, our group finished second which was decent, then we got a big old free dinner at a nice restaurant, top class all the way. And not only that all through dinner i was getting text messages from my bro, "1-0 kovalev", "2-0 koivu", "3-0 lapierre", so i was pretty ecstatic to know my habs were TCBing against the bruins. (Close in the end though!)

In other news that nobody cares about, mike denby was sick and didn't go to work yesterday, colin pearson is not relishing his role as organizer of halloween 2008, derek mumford still doesn't have a job, and dillon casey is still jacked as shit.

The Tittie Pipe

As the presidential debates took over every single station in existence, or at least 5 major US networks (there's a Canadian network!?) there isn't much to report in terms of actual shows. Which is too bad, because there are few things I would have loved more than writing about Knight Rider for you all.

Actually, Pushing Daisies (ABC 8 PM/ET) did replay the season premier and if you like the show, it was a pleasant return. Now in it's 2nd season, the entire cast seems more comfortable with the speaking rhythms and melodramatic queues. And the shows creators seem more comfortable doing whatever the hell they want. The tagline for the show was "forensic fairy tale" and as anyone who watches it knows, the forensics play a very small part and the fairy tale a much larger one. Even more so now that it's been picked up. The real question though: will people actually watch it now that it has a strike-free season ahead of it? (knock on wood... don't fuck me over gaffers!!)

• So in actually Tittie Pipe news, David E. Kelly (creator of Ally McBeal, The Practice, Boston Legal and every other Legal dramedy ever made) is going to give TV a crack with a new show that centers around the crazy question of what happens when a father and daughter BOTH practice law? All I know is that zaniness and/or heartfelt moments ensue.

• Will Arnett of  dearly departed Arrested Development has been offered a seven-figure deal with FOX to make a new show. Early reports suggest the sitcom will revolve around a man who was incredibly funny in his freshman TV effort and then got sucked into a string of terrible movies. He's so method!!

• And speaking of method! in a slightly different kind of Tittie Pipe news, Steven Soderberg has tapped Sasha Grey (not like that...) as the lead role in his gritty new film about high class prostitutes who fuck for money. Take out the "high", "class" and "prostitute" and you can see how Grey would fit right in!! Of course this is a huge break for the adult film actress. The Girlfriend Experience will be Soderberg's follow-up to the four hour historical epic Che and Grey's follow-up to the 90-minute epic Four Massive Black Cocks In My Ass.
  

The Ol' Ticker

It's Joe!!

• For those of you wondering, "who the fuck is Joe!?" last night during the 3rd Presidential debate - see above. The story is that Joe and his son we're tossing the pig skin around in his hometown of Holland, OH when Barry rolled through. Curious about tax policy the two discussed flat taxes versus Obama's tax credit system for American's making $250,000 or more. In the end Barry wasn't convinced by the flat tax proposal, and Joe wasn't convinced by Barry - he's likely voting McCain this November.
• And speaking of McCain and Joe and Barry and politics and stuff, an interesting note from the Times this morning! McCain said that there are millions or Americans just like Joe. Actually, there are 770,000 Americans who own businesses and make over $250,000, just like Joe. That's about 1.7% of business owners. Which means Obama was right when he said in response to John Walnuts McCain - 98% of American business owners will not be affected. Who will people listen to? The answer lies in: How interested in national tax policy math does Joe look?
• And finally - for those commenting on Dion & The Liberal's loss (good band name) yesterday who suggested he would have a hard time making it through the next convention. It turns out MY forecast may have been a bit more accurate. Dion may be gone within a few days.

Oh and one more, as this will be my last day in Toronto for a while - so the frequency of these postings may fluctuate a bit over the next week or so...

• Joe The Plumber's real name is Sam.

The Ol' Ticker

• The Liberal Party claimed only 76 seats and the lowest share of the popular vote ever in yesterdays election. This does not bode well for Dion who will likely be ousted as the Party Leader within a few short weeks - if not hours.
  
• Barry Obama keeps getting good news: he's up by a staggering 14 points in a new New York Times/CBS poll...
• ... While John McCain keeps getting bad news: the economy is still in trouble, Sarah Palin is still his running mate, and he is likely to be remembered as a senile old man who got lost on stage at the second presidential debate.

The Tittie Pipe

When talking about "Fringe" you should always say it with an elongated "iiiiiiii" like how they announce the "seeeeeecrets" sketch on Conan. It adds to the atmosphere. And atmosphere is really what the show has going for it. The storylines are all quasi-interesting. Frankly, a lot of the science-powers are familiar to anyone who watches Heroes (or in tonight's episode, The Green Mile) but how it plays out is always kind of cool and how far that atmosphere spreads is one of the great strengths of the show.

Last night a young guy - fake Tom Green - has the power (unbeknownst to him mind you) to fuck up any electrical device around him when he gets upset. Sadly, this means he kills the young woman of his affection when the elevator they are both in plummets 32 stories straight into the ground. Oh, and also his mom, whose pacemaker he short circuits. So it's not a good day for this fella. How do you find him? Well luckily it turns out that it wasn't Walter's fault that this kid is all amped up. There is some other guy who is doing experiments on unknowing people and giving them this power (an interesting parallel though, as Peter pointed out last week, Walter is as much a cause of these problems as he is the solution). Walter, using pigeon technology (finally!!) deduces the Freak Of The Week's (FOTW's) magnetic output from the walkman he was using and then shocks the pigeons into oblivion with the same frequency so they will all migrate towards the guy (thereby allowing the FBI to find him). Good idea? Great idea!! As for what becomes of the pidgeons when they have to fly south and instead keep flying towards Harvard University Hospital... We'll leave that to the scholars to discuss.

The episode, though not amazing, makes a sensible move to finding the balance between a serial show (the pattern is a consistent) and a weekly procedural show (Freak Of The Week). Note, for example that just as FOTW gets on the elevator The Hairless Man - noted two weeks ago as a harbinger of an addition to the pattern - steps off the elevator. Also, in our preview of next weeks episode, we see that a girl, similarly amped up (but this time radioactive) stumbles in to a deli and boils everyone's brains. Awesome. But also awesome? The deli is the same deli The Hairless Man sat in with his roast beef sandwich in Episode 3. What does it all mean? Maybe it was just cheaper to use the same background twice... I don't know. But what it suggests to me is that the show - now picked up for a full season and with strong ratings - is relaxing a bit and injecting some much needed mythology to the weekly emergencies of the Homeland Securities Fringe Division.

The Tittie Pipe

If you can find me a better show on TV than House, I will kiss you socks. Last nights episode brought four - count them! four! - good story-lines together in a way that hasn't happened yet this season. To start, House's dad dies. And you know House, the loveable, kind hearted sap that he is, obviously breaks down weeping. Or not... Rather he refuses to attend the funeral and is generally bitter about the idea of providing a eulogy. Intro storyline #2. Cuddy drugs him under the guise of a SARS vaccine and when he awakes, Wilson has kidnapped him and is driving him to the funeral. Roadtrip!!!! Back at the hospital, storyline #3, the Case Of The Week (COTW) is a young Asian girl with multiple addictions whose liver is shutting down and who keeps vomiting blood (a hugely popular symptom over the last season, am I wrong?). And who will save this poor girl now that House has been taken away? Welcome to storyline #4, in which the old team, without House, performs a differential only to find the new team has solved the problem in the same amount of time! Do I smell some inter-hospital competitions happening? Probably not... But it would be awesome.

The episode is really about parents. About how much they fuck you up; In the Asian girls case, both physically and emotionally and in House's case... well, the same. But it's also about assigning blame. We find out Taub has confessed his past infidelities to his wife, that Kumar (does he have another name?) blames adoption for spoiling the COTW and that ultimately, assigning that blame will get you nowhere. Whose fault was it that he cheated? It doesn't matter. Whose fault is it that the COTW is all addicted-up? Well, it turns out it IS her parents fault because they tried to kill her by inserting pins into her brain... So maybe in that case you CAN assign blame. But for the rest of the episode, it's about trying to discover why things happen and ultimately acknowledging that it doesn't matter. The past may be prologue, but the main chapters make the book.

Also - it turns out that Wilson and House met at a medical convention where House bailed Wilson out of jail. Man, do you ever have to love those guys.

The World of Sports through the eyes of a moron

Ok today i'm going to say a few things about the death of Alexei Cherepanov. For those of you who don't follow sports too closely, Cherepanov was a first round draft pick for the Rangers who died the other day at the age of 19 i believe, when he collapsed on the bench after a shift for his team Avengard Omsk of the KHL, which is basically Russia's NHL.

So first off, yes these things do happen, seems more and more often in sports lately. But that doesn't mean that they can't be prevented or at least safeguarded. Now i'm not one of those people who agrees with baby protecting the world which seems to be the trend. There's a sign and a warning on every little thing you see which is obviously companies or municipalities protecting themselves from potential lawsuits. "My son leaped off your bridge and broke his tailbone, and it said no jumping but it said nothing about no leaping, PAY UP!" Bullshit. Also i have a whole playground argument that i could get into. About how playgrounds for kids suck now, cause they're way too safe and no longer fun, accidents happen, and usually it's a matter of natural selection, if your kid's dumb enough to fall off a slide then he probably wasn't going to last to long anyways. That might push a few buttons.

So i've digressed but back to my point, you're a professional sports league paying competitive salaries with the NHL, millions of dollars for some players. Yet if you look at all the mistakes that were made that could have saved this kid's life, it's kind of disturbing. There is supposed to be an ambulance on site at every game, which is pretty obvious, considering the level of athleticism and speed in a contact sport. But there wasn't, they had left earlier in the game. There was supposed to be a working defibrilator at the arena, but apparently it wasn't functioning properly. Keep in mind every canadian arena, not just professional, but every single rink has a work defibrilator. One of my bosses here actually had a heart attack on the ice last year and was saved because the rink had a "WORKING" defibrilator. So not only that, when the ambulance is called, it takes them about 15 minutes to arrive. And do they have a working defibrilator in the ambulance, no of course not. So the kid's heart has stopped, he can't be revived, they finally get him to the hospital, and again he can't be revived.

Seems like a lot of issues doesn't it? Well there's more. Cherepanov had a blood disease called, "chronic ischemia", (www.tsn.ca) which is basically a lack of blood flow to the heart. So the KHL apparently does drug and blood tests just like the NHL, so if that was the case, why was he playing with this condition? At least that's what russian authorities are saying he had, but apparently it would be extremely rare for a 19 year old to have this disease and be playing at such a high level, with such a condition you would more likely be exhausted from playing hockey at such a high level day in and day out. So answers and excuses continue to pour in each day that passes. If there's one positive that will come out of all of this, it's that the KHL due to the embarassment of this incident will now up it's safety standards for sure and will be sternly monitored in the process. It's just sad that it always seems to cost such a high price to make change.

Top of the Muffin To You!

Grimes old boy, glad you were willing to carry some weight while the rest of those sallies pirouetted around out there.

Of course I'm kidding. Bad news for The Rebels. I'm sorry to hear about the loss - as I always am.

This may become a bit of a slow day around here what with Grimes going to spank balls all afternoon, but on the other hand, his absence may inspire me to write a whole lot more. We'll see. It's a coin toss.

So thanks to the everyone who sent in e-mails yesterday. I was up late dealing with all of them. Your support is obviously appreciated. And to daisychick@hotmail.com, if you'd really like to know what you can do for us, click on some of our AdSense banners! I believe we get 0.7 cents every time you do. A fine booty indeed. From AdSense that is... Though presumably on daisychick@hotmail.com as well...

Morning is here!

Good morning to all.

Kitzy that was a hell of a double post you pulled off late yesterday, gotta admit those afternoon blues were hitting me pretty hard too, i was deep in an afternoon coma and didn't even think of our multitude of fans out there. So for that i apologize. And also thankyou for posting "afternoon delight", i had no idea that i looked like donny osmond more than anyone else in the world. William H. Macy...yeah i think we all knew that, uncanny.

Had my hockey game last night, missing a few people to do sickness and job concerns, but we played a hell of a game and still ended up losing in the last 2 minutes of the game 2-1. But who really cares cause i got our goal so i can say, "i did my part boys, your'e the ones who are losers, i'm awesome!" A big bruhaha at the end of the game too which resulted in a couple ejections, always fun to see.

Got my company golf tournament today, pretty exciting stuff, that means i only work half the day, and since i usually only actually work about half the day, that means i'm working a quarter day today....pretty sick! I'm just happy i don't have to golf with kitzy all day. Pretty boring morning post but i'm tired as hell, i'll try and do better as the morning turns into afternoon.

Afternoon Delight

The Afternoon Coma

The biggest obstacle in writing this blog - aside from teaching Grimes to write at all - is that when you first start in the morning you feel like a million bucks. You're ready to go. All hyped up on coffee and amphetamines. You can toss a few postings up and feel pretty good about it. 

But in the morning people have thousands of newspapers, entertainment blogs and YouPorn uploads to check themselves. They're not going to waste time checking in with a relative newcomer. When do they want to read this Grimes-bashing garbage? In the afternoon. From 3-4 PM. When there is literally nothing going on in any office anywhere in North America. 

In theory, this should be when we're writing and posting the most. But after a light lunch of roast beef with gravy and mashed potatoes, a dark beer and a quaalude, no one is any kind of writing mood. Or so we discovered today. 

So just know we haven't forgotten. We're just facing a bit of a learning curve. See, thing is - we have no idea what we're doing. Why is the column on the left so fucking MASSIVE!! We don't know. We may never know (if you do know, feel free to tell us in the comments). So while we try to figure it out, the thousands of you out there tuning in may be left without anything notable to read. That won't change anytime soon, but we hope by acknowledging it we won't be blamed for it.

Also - it's almost 5 PM in Toronto. We all got through another day without shooting ourselves. Well done everyone. See you Wednesday. 

Vice-Prime Minister Grimes

Some of you may think that i should be angry with Kitzy after he just lambasted me in a public forum, and you couldnt' be more wrong. Why you ask? Well cause he speaks the truth, i mean let's be honest here i've been riding the short bus of life for over 27 years now. I'd compare it to going bald, i mean at first i'd imagine you'd be like "oh fuck i'm going bald, this really sucks", but then once you accept it, it becomes more of a challenge, "ok let's see what i can do to maximize my strengths here, do i comb over? do i shave my head?", and then comes true acceptance when you realize just how amazing it is to be bald, i mean a woman is truly going to love you for who you are and you know that, bald jokes are great especially if you can roll with the punches, and there's a whole lot of great bald hairstyles out there, the skullet, the monk, you can really have some fun with it. So yeah i may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but i've adapted so well and accepted my fate that i can now become a productive member of lower class society.

Also as an unconfirmed member of the Alex Kitz Prime Minister for 2012 campaign, i can surely lend a helping hand to all other Canadians in my unfortunate position, the Derek Mumfords and Colin Pearsons of this world will now have a voice, someone who will wave a helping hand and yell out....."HELLO!"

"I loved you in Wall Street!"

Gekko is back. Maybe.

Fox has bought the rights to a Wall Street sequel entitled "Money Never Sleeps" which may or may not involve Michael Douglas returning to the Oscar-winning role. So far Douglas has said he is interested, but only if the script is good. Seeing as it's being written by Allan Loeb of "21" fame, don't bet on it. 

Which of course means just one thing: Dillon Casey! Call Your Agent Immediately!

I Humbly Accept Your Nomination

Thank you Grimes. It seems like just yesterday that you were drooling all over yourself like a small child. In fact, it was just yesterday. But despite your obvious intellectual shortcomings, it is with a deep sense of duty and high resolve, I accept your nomination.

I accept it with a full and grateful heart – without reservation – and with only one obligation – the obligation to devote every effort of body, mind and spirit to destroying the life of Eric Grimes.

---

I also haven't voted today. I'm going to. And I will do so with a heavy heart, knowing that Olivia Chow will likely carry my riding of Trinity-Spadina. I am not convinced that she is right for the job. Nor am I convinced that jack Layton isn't an absolute asshole. But that's neither here nor there. Toronto-Danforth and Trinity-Spadina will likely both go NDP and it saddens me. So let me be the first to say to Christine Innes, you fought a good battle, but it wasn't meant to be. And to an excellent candidate and a close friend, Andrew Lang who ran a smarter - if smaller - campaign against the Jack Layton Party, bad luck, but I'm optimistic for next time. There are big things in your future and all of us are excited to see them materialize.

Knowing that two better candidates will lose because they are just single MPs and they are both running against the royal family of another party is a tough pill to swallow. And it is why I didn't run straight to the voting booth this morning. But I'm confident that, maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of our lives, we will regret placing a single NDP candidate in charge and soon people will approach politics in Toronto with more even-tempered minds and steady hands.

----

As for Eric voting. I think, having pried him off his lazy ass, I've done my duty for the Canadian political system.

In other political news...

To show my ignorance when it comes to politics, i still don't really know who i'm voting for tonight but i figure i'm going to vote Liberal, although it's tough cause i don't really think Harper has necessarily done a terrible job. And Dion, although he may be very smart, just doesn't really come across as a leader.

Also i have no idea who this Bret Stephens guy that kitzy is talking about is, and i probably should but unfortunately i don't care. My main information source for american politics would have to be SNL skits which i'm told are actually fairly accurate. Tina Fey does a mean Sarah Palin.

I feel like Kitzy should probably be Prime Minister, i mean the knowledge is there, the mouth is there, the wide range of interests is there, and oh man would the scandals ever be there, i think it's a great idea cause i'd be rich, everytime i was strapped for cash i'd just bring out one of the thousands of debaucherous kitzy photos in circulation and sell it off to the media and watch him squirm.

The Ol' Ticker

Each day, or a few times throughout, I will be posting a small update from the world of politics.

Nat'l Average:

Obama +7.4

Recent State Shifts:

10/14 Wisconsin - Leaning Obama >>> Solid Obama

10/14 Michigan - Leaning Obama >>> Solid Obama

10/14 Colorado - Toss Up >>> Leaning Obama

10/13 Flordia - Toss Up >>> Leaning Obama

10/13 North Dakota - Solid McCain >>> Leaning McCain

In the News:

McCain takes a different tact, appealing to voters based on his strengths rather than his opponents weakness. Sarah Palin accidentally scolds supporters for heckling and not supporting the troops. Turns out they were the hearing-impaired section and we yelling at her to "speak up!" (wap-waaap). And Bret Stephens explains why the states will always be on top. (hint: it has to do with Jebus).

In Which The Wall Continues...

For those of you unfamiliar with Eric and I's Wall from February 2007 till August 2008, let me just say this: it was terrible. Awful. Easily some of the worst months of my entire life. And likely - if you read any of those posts - it was awful for you too.

That is why we are branching out. Did you know that over a million people in Toronto are on Facebook? That's more than almost any other city in the world. That means that at any given moment Eric or I could have been ruining the days of a million people with our banal, typo-ridden postings. A million people. That's a lot. But not enough. Not enough for me at least. I believe, as Eric does, that we can do more. That our stupidity can transcend the claustrophobic confines of Facebook and branch out into the world like an unstoppable virus of ignorance. Think of it like the Symbiote in Grimes' favorite movie of all time: Spiderman III.

So that is what we are doing. And if we can make even one reader just a bit dumber for it, then I think it more than justifies the 5.5 hours a day we waste on this steaming pile of garbage. 

I love you all.

Kitzy

The World of Sports through the eyes of a moron

Kitzy was just telling me we should rant and rave about things we are interested in, i think that's a good idea, i like sports, so i'm going to talk shit about sports, he likes politics and tv, so he can do that. So here's a few thoughts on the world of sports today.

Hockey:
The Habs are the best team in the NHL by far, no one else comes close so they shoudln't try. Oh and the Leafs suck. No but in all seriousness i went to the habs vs. leafs game Saturday night. My pops got me and my bro seats, and they were incredible. Fourteen rows up in the golds, on the blueline opposite the players benches. Habs won 6-1, a few things i noticed, first off the powerplay still looks pretty lethal, adding Tanguay and Lang seems to be paying off so far, they're my favorite team so i'm biased, but man can they really move the puck around especially when you give them space. The Kostitsyn's look great so far. As for the Leafs, well i don't think they'll be as bad as everyone thinks, but i still think ther'es no way they're making the playoffs. As long as management doesn't get antsy and blow the rebuilding plan by trading away good prospects and draft picks for past their prime vets, then they should be alright. Hollweg is a douchebag and a perfect replacement for Tucker for all those frustrating Leaf fans like Ghaeli. Schenn is a franchise defenceman.

Baseball:
Haven't watched a ton, don't care that much seeing as how the Jays aren't in the playoffs, but i'm rooting for a Phillies vs. Rays world series, obviously alot more boring than the potential Red Sox vs. Dodgers and the whole Manny Ramirez debaucle, but i can't stand the Red Sox and for the most part any Boston sports team so i don't want them to even get the chance at another World Series. Plus Manny Ramirez seems to be the definition of everything that's wrong with sports.

Football:
I love the NFL, if there's a better run sports league in the world then show it to me. Can't wait to go see Bills vs. Jets in November. Bills didn't play this weekend so not much to say. My fantasy team destroyed Stu's, (Stu's team is the freebie, pretty much automatic win if you play him) and brought me back up to .500 at 3-3. Seems everybody who plays me has their best week ever, i've got more overall points than any team, yet have still lost 3 times. My bro's pretty pissed cause Romo's out for a while.

Basketball:
Went to see a Raps preseason game last week, they look good although not as deep as usual, Jermaine O'Neal looked healthy and athletic, but he and Bosh don't quite have the chemistry yet, hopefully they will.

Golf!

So Thanksgiving Monday, four of us decided to head out and get some holes in. Golfing baby. Tam O'Shanter here in Toronto. Me, Kitzy, Dug, and Denbotech, and i'll tell ya they don't make better days. First off somehow it's 25 degrees Celsius in the middle of October, second we're all hungover pieces of garbage which makes the laughs come way easier, especially when you've paid far too much for access to a golf cart, and third because i squashed Denby's fingers in the ball washer. Easily my favorite moment of the day. He fought through the pain though and eventually gave me a solid kick to the shin and caned me across the back of the legs with his golf club. Well deserved.

I played decent on the front, shot a 46, and played like ass on the back, shot a 52, still broke 100 but it's not a tough course so overall....who really gives a shit, it was a fantastic day which is all that really matters. Some other hilights were Kitzy almost nailing a bunch of old timers with a shot gone wrong, seeing Ghaeli, Umpherson and Depoali's beautiful shining faces, humping Ghaeli's leg, seeing Kitzy drain an amazing chip, and taking years of life off our golf cart.

Anyways now it's tuesday, i've got my hockey game tonight, the week just started which is kind of depressing, but it's only 4 days so i think i can make it, the habs won last night and have 5 of a possible 6 points so far which is awesome, and i just started a blog finally so i can shit talk all i want without people saying, "why are you always on facebook? Don't you have anything better to do?" No, clearly i don't.

It begins....

Hi all,

So i've decided to try and be proactive with this thing called writing and actually practice once in a while, so i figured why not start a blog, seems that's what everyone's doing. But how could i start a blog without my old pal Kitz? The answer....i couldn't, which means this is a joint blog, he can post, i can post, we can argue, discuss, give different points of view on drunken nights, maybe even throw up a pic once in a while. The irony is that i'll probably be posting pretty much always during the day, so being proactive with work means procrastinating at work, but let's be honest i already did that anyways so i'd say more than anything it just means espn.com will suffer a bit since i won't read quite as many articles. Will anyone read this? No definitely not, probably just kitzy, so in that case i'd just like to say, fuck you kitz, let it begin.

-Optimus Grime