Festivus : The Airing of Grievances

Welcome, new comers. The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you're gonna hear about it!

Ok so maybe it's a little late for Festivus, i mean the holiday season has come and gone, but i feel i didn't properly air all my grievances about you fucks, so now you're going to hear about it, Frank Costanza had a good thing going, and i aim to follow up on it.

Mike Denby: Hmmm.....where to begin. Maybe with a little reminiscing? I can remember one time at McGill, i was in peel pub and this really hot girl comes and sits down next to me. Let's jump to my thoughts. "Ok Eric....you can do this....you've got the upper hand she sat down with YOU! Bring it on baby girl, it's times for some Grimes." But she says, "so your friend.....what's with the mullet? I mean he's so hot and everything, why does he cut his hair that way? Anyways could you let him know i'm interested?" GOD FUCKIN DAMMIT! I love you Mike, but you're beautiful, i know it, you know it, every girl knows it, it's time to accept it. Another reminiscing moment, same bar. A girl known to all of us as "Hot Laura" walks up to Michael. She starts talking to him. He appears disinterested. We're all watching from our table stunned. "No way!" "That's Hot Laura!" "She's so hot!" "I gotta go to the bathroom!" A few minutes later he walks back to our table with a small piece of paper, her phone number is written on it, he throws it down on the table and says "anyone want this?" Hahah in all honesty that's a pretty money move, the kid's in the game for love, not for action, but still, it's a grievance.

Derek Mumford: No brainer here. We begged and pleaded with Mumford. Please move back to Toronto. All the boys are here, we miss the Comfort and it's not good enough to see you two weeks a year. I don't think the Comfort was enjoying Calgary so finally he made the move. And now? He hasn't had a job in about 8 months, he looks terrific, he's going out with a fantastic young woman, he's got a great apartment.....quite frankly Mumford you're pissing me off cause you're pimping it too hard. So i think it's about time you at least got a job cause this whole jealousy thing isn't suiting me.

Julien Favre: We'll see what happens. Julien's a fantastic young man. Very European. But he has a habit. The habit is telling me that "we'll see what happens". Typical convo.

Eric: Yo so you want to hang out tomorrow night?

Julien: We'll see what happens.

Eric: We can watch the Habs game, maybe have a couple beers.

Julien: We'll see what happens.

Eric: Its going to be a good one man, i just kind of was hoping you could let me know, cause if not i'll make some other plans.

Julien: We'll see what happens.

Eric: Ok sweet thanks man.

Colin Pearson: I pride myself on trying to come up with clever jokes once in a while. Sometimes it works out, often it doesn't. Colin however? Well there's a few we all remember. Like the one in Costa Rica.

Colin: Hey guys who am I? (Colin rubs his arm back and forth in the area of his mouth)

Us: Uh....no idea.

Colin: Mark Grimes!

Us: Huh?

Colin: I'm flossing with my arm! Cause i'm skinny!

Us: Burst out laughing.

You see there in lies the problem. In all honesty that was one of the most terrible jokes possibly ever said. Yet we all laughed harder than at anything i've ever spit out. Want another example?

Colin: What's Mumford up to today?

Eric: Apparently he's getting some EKG test done or something.

Colin: Probalby the only reason he's getting it done is cause he thought it had something to do with Donkey Kong Racing!

Eric: Silence. Followed by a burst of laughter.

Did that make any sense at all? First off why would he think it had anything to do with Donkey Kong Racing? I mean to start, Donkey Kong Racing isn't even a game! Doesn't exist! Secondly what does that have to do with an EKG test? Cause they both have a K in them? So Colin, stop getting so many damn laughs, it's pissing me off.

Alex Kitz: Alright Kitzy.....straight up....just tell me.....do you have some sort of time saving device? Like that thing from Harry Potter? You work full time, you're taking classes for your LSAT's, you're writing applications for law school, you have a girlfriend, you're putting in work for Michael Ignatieff and the Liberal party, you work out on an elliptical trainer (i'm still up 24 minutes though), you party hard on the weekends, you manage to watch every fuckin TV show that exists, and read every fuckin article on the internet, and you still find the time to be impeccably dressed sometimes even with a bowtie. I mean i don't get it? I truly don't understand. How is this possible? Between my job.....and well.....nothing....i barely have time for anything else. So stop being such a young upstart gogetter, it's really fuckin pissing me off.

Make Your Exit - Ok we get it, you're in a band, you practice 2512 hours a week, you send out 45289 facebook advertisements a fortnight, guess what, i go to every fuckin show anyways. My best friend is your guitar player. So take me off the fuckin mailing list cause you know what, even if i don't get that "hey guys....what's up it's make your exit! Your favorite indy band! We're playing 765900 shows this week can you make it?" message, i'll probably still be there. Fuckin hell you guys are REALLY pissing me off. (P.S. they really are pretty fuckin sick!)

Doug Stevenson + Mike Sackville: Oh those out Easterners. Different way of life out there. Clocks? Watches? Cell Phones? What are those? Never heard of 'em sorry guys. Unfortunatley i have no idea what it means when you say that i should meet you there when "dat dem dere sunny thing is 'bout halfway up in the sky." Here's a lovely conversation doug and I had last year via text message.

Eric: Ok so we'll meet for some beers at 5 p.m. at the Loose Moose before the Jays game?

Doug: Yeah sounds perfect bro, me and Snackville will seeya there!

Eric: Ok make sure you show man, cause the later you guys are, the longer i have to stay at work which i really don't want to do.

Doug: You got it man!

5p.m. comes and goes.

Eric: Doug where the hell are you?

Doug: Skateboarding with Sackville. Why?

Boy that really pissed me off.

Last but not least we've come to the person who pissed me off the most this year.

Eric Grimes: Holy fuckin shit where do i even start with this piece of work? I mean how do you air grievances when grievances are all you have? There's not a single positive thing i could say about this dicknose. Personal hygiene? Disgusting. Sense of Humor? Revolting. Social Skills? Non-Existant. Hey Eric when was the last time you got laid? Was Clinton still president? There should be a law against you. The Grimesian Ordinance. Thou shalt not be Grime. You should be in jail.

Thus concludes this year's airing of grievances, believe me there's alot more of you out there that pissed me off, but this is all i had time for.