Don't Knock Croc Rock or I'll Clean your Clock!

So i'm at work, haven't eaten anything yet today, and i have slow creeping hangover that's steadily getting worse. Also i'm about to self inflict Taco Bell on myself, which is like hitting yourself in the head with a shovel when you've got a headache. Worst....cure......ever. And why do i feel this terrible you ask? Only cause i was fortunate enough to attend the greatest Wednesday night bar in the city last night....yes you guessed it.....Crocodile Rock!So now you're probably thinking, "why the fuck are you going out and getting wasted on a Wednesday night in the first place?" Well calm down...if you could maybe just be a little patient i'll tell you.

So to set the stage, myself, Julien Favre, Jordan Blain, Dave Segal, Mike Tonner and Dave Barbaree all went to the Raptors game last night. Before hand we enjoyed a lovely meal at Hoops, the new sports bar by the ACC. They have 122 Tv's, including some in the floor. Yes you read that correctly....Tv's.....in the floor. So after our waitress made 122 mistakes with our orders, one for each TV, we took off and hit the game. Julien and i had seperate seats, and although the game had it's exciting moments, we were dismayed to see our lovely Raps lose to the well oiled machine that is the Detroit Pistons, even minus newly acquired A.I.

So post game, someone suggests we should get more drinks, because our pal David Segal, of David's Tea fame, hasn't had a proper celebration of his newly found engaged status. So the usual suggestions were knocked around, Jack Astor's, Loose Moose, and then someone, although whom it was will never be determined, suggested Crocodile Rock. It had a similar effect to asking a group of guys if they want to watch Dr. Phil, sure we all want to see that moustachiod pompous fuck send some snotnosed punk to boot camp, but no one's going to admit it. Ok i lied, we all said fuck yeah let's do it. Crocodile Rock as we all know has a legendary status as a cougar bar. So we arrived, paid the 5 dollar cover even though it was empty, and were delighted to discover wednesdays pay host to 3 dollar drinks. We sauntered in, shacked up in a great central location, between the bar, the dance floor, and the tables, and grabbed some drinks. Although the place was pretty barren, it was still only like 10:15 and i think none of us figured we'd be there for long.

But steadily, as our drink levels got lower, and our blood alcohol got higher, the place started to fill up. I was quite excited when a pack of high schoolers showed up (high school might be generous, probably more like last year at E.J. James), and a steady influx of cougars wandered in from the mountains or wherever the fuck it is that cougars call home. Before you could even utter the words, "i want to have sex with an old woman!" the place was humpin' and bumpin'! And this is why i now love Wednesday nights at Crocodile Rock. Cougars of all ages, races, shapes and sizes. Girls you feel ashamed to even look at let alone talk to since we're probably old enough to be their fathers. A nice mix of girls in between so you don't feel too out of place. And without a doubt, some of the true champions of mankind. Just absolute bangers everywhere. Moustaches coming out of the woodworks. Creepers. Skeezers. Dancers. Prancers. You name it, they were there last night. The dance floor absolutely went off with all your latest top 40 tunes. Yet it wasn't too loud so that you could have a conversation.

Now we all know that nobody picks up a women like Eric Grimes, i mean you just say that name in a crowded room and your bound to find at least one girl who's been subjected to my greasy advances. Ok well that's a lie, i couldn't hit the broadside of a cow's ass if i was sitting on it's tail with a shovel. But being at this place i actually truly felt like if i manned up for a change i wouldnt' have too much trouble. Plus i was with old Mike "smooth as a silk sheet" Tonner who unfortunately ladies, is now a taken man, but could be the greatest wingman in the history of time. However I had no intention of trying anything at all. Why you ask? Because i was having way....way.....way......WAY WAY WAY WAY too much fun people watching. I was good and sauced at this point and i honestly could have been by myself at a table creeping the shit out of people, and had as good a time as i had. Not to say that my company wasn't riveting, cause truly those boys are hard to beat when it comes to good times.

But the storylines surrounding me were too juicy to ignore. Guy in the black button up shirt just staring at the girl next to him at the bar. He was probably at least 15 years her senior. But he had a stare that could knock you on your ass at a thousand paces. Then there were the high school girls on the dance floor bouncing around and laughing....while the guy in the black beret dancing by himself slowly moved in on them. Not to mention the ongoing saga of Dave Barbaree's ever growing love for the shooter girl. She did well off of us last night. If put in the same position do you really think you could have ignored these subplots? I seriously fuckin doubt it.

As the saying goes, all good things come to an end. A couple members of the crew slowly made their exit, Favre had a big day at work, Barbaree had a train to catch, Tonner had found a friend from his softball team to chat to. So despite the feeling of being at the most glorious ball, i couldn't ignore the warning bell in my head screaming "HANGOVER!" So we left, and i'm ashamed to admit i did not follow a couple of my campatriots to the rippers. I went home. I stumbled to bed, with visions of nice bums, lodged firmly in my head.

Woke up this morning, was surprised to feel not too shabby. But you must always beware the creeper hangover. It got me good around 11:30 a.m. So will i be going back to Crocodile Rock next Wednesday? No....probably not. But i'll always remember this magical night, and maybe a little piece of me doesn't want to go back, sometimes it's best to heed good advice. And as my boss at the bar i worked at in Australia said to me on my last day, "Eric....i have one piece of advice of for you.....don't come back....cause it won't be the same...."

A New Day

YES WE CAN! And apparently they could. Even for someone as ignorant as me when it comes to politics, couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief when the Americans overwhelmingly said "YES WE CAN!" and voted Obama into the Whitehouse yesterday. Now i know most of you are thinking, "yes finally a kitzy post, it's about time, that Grimes guy really fuckin sucks!" Well fuck you who were thinking that cause it's me, Optimus Grime.

I don't think their can be a doubt in most people's minds, especially those of us way up here in Canada that this was the right decision. "Y'all from Canadar? Hmmmmm.....where dat at?" Especially considering what would happen if McCain, god forbid, ever kicked the bucket while in office, can you imagine? Palin running the world's biggest superpower? That's like telling me to design a building on my own, bad things would happen. Although let's be honest, we've seen over the last eight years that the President can be a puppet, and things won't totally go to shit. Although the latest financial crisis might be evidence against that statement.

I think the most important thing to take from all this, is not the fact that a black leader was elected. Yes it's a great step and will no doubt further serve the cause of equality in the States. But more than anything it's that the RIGHT person was chosen. Black, white, red, yellow, woman, man, doesn't matter, the fact that the American public voted the RIGHT person for the job is the most important thing to take from all this.

No doubt Obama is going to have his hands full now. Basically Bush had an epic metaphorical bender with like 30 kegs, mounds of shadadadadanay, and the most questionable of guests, and then moved out and said to Obama, "ok.....you clean it up! I'm going to go give retarded speeches for the next ten years and be paid through the teeth to do it!" So i don't envy his position. However the thing about Obama that most people would have to agree with is that he inspires confidence. He's well spoken, he's clearly very intelligent, and he speaks with passion. Is it bullshit? I hope not. I've never met the man, and i'm a terrible judge of character. (How the hell was i supposed to know she was a prostitute? She never told me! I'm supposed to guess?) There is something to be said about a man that can rise to be the most important man in the world, and yes he is the most important man in the world now, from basically out of nowhere. He has what a great leader must have, he has what Trudeau had, and what JFK had, the ability to speak to the people and make them believe. Now he just needs to back it up. I for one hope he does.

Freaky Friday

To be honest i'm starting this post blind. Not blind drunk, i mean yeah it's halloween but it's still only 11 in the morning. By blind i mean i don't have a clue what i aim to talk about right now. All i know is that with the loss of my old pal Kitzy, i'm lost. When this blog first started i was so jazzed up, we were posting shit all the time, and it was a hell of a good time. But once faced with the task of having to support this page for the most part on my own? Well i floundered, and i still am. Subscriptions have dwindled, comments are at an all time low, and i've had the same nutshot of the day for 3 or 4 days now. (although you gotta admit it's incredible).

So maybe i'll just ramble for a bit and see what comes to mind. I mean no one's fuckin reading this anyways so if anything it'll just be a good writing exercise. Speaking of writing, many of you may wonder, "why the hell did Grimes start a blog in the first place? Does he actually think people want to hear what he has to say?" Well there's a number of reasons, first and foremost Kitzy and I used to facebook back and forth every damn day to avoid the monotany of our daily working lives. It was fun, and somehow a few people here and there picked up on it and woudl check in once in a while to see what kind of filth we were spewing. None more so than Michael Robert Denby. He used to follow the conversation, step in with a comment or two once in a while, and it was like we had a reader. So essentially much of this is for him.

I also have always enjoyed writing but i've been too lazy to really do anything about it. It seems the number one question writers get asked is, "where do you get your ideas?" Now i'm not really even a writer, but if i ever was, for me, no doubt, right before i fall asleep at night. I'd love to write a book one day, not because i want to be famous or anything (i have no urge to be famous, i had my 15 minutes of fame with "Team Eric Grimes" at McGill Carnival), but it's just one of those things in my life i'd like to do. It's on my bucket list. And the way i've been treating my body lately, i should get on it soon. But i digress as usual, whenever i get an idea for anything writing related, it almost always happens at night as i try and fall asleep. I toss. I turn. The idea spins around bumping off the walls of my brain picking up an addition here, a character there, a plot line down yonder. And then i start to worry. "What if it's a good idea and then i can't remember it tomorrow?" I try to put it out of my head but it never works, i just keep tossing and turning and getting tangled in my sheets. Until finally i get up, i turn on the lights. I grab the pen and pad i keep next to my bed, and i scribble a few notes down. A synopsis in it's most basic form. Something that convinces me that if i look at that pad in a couple days, i'll remember whatever the fuck it was i originally though might work. Usually once the light goes off, it comes back on a couple more times before i sleep, as i add a note here and there until i'm satisfied the transcription will reignite my brainstorm.

Now i've only had this happen maybe 5 or 6 times, in the last few years. Pretty rare. I mean i'm not a writer. I'm an engineer, and a damn.......adequate one. So i'm not searching for ideas, but it's just like the saying goes, "you only find things when you're not looking for them." I actually think the saying is worded way better than that, but i'm not a very cunning linguist.

Out of those 5 or 6 ideas i mentioned, i've only ever had one that kind of blew me away. Most of them i really like, i think, "yeah that could really work!" But about a year and a half ago i had one that kept me up for hours. I don't even know how it came about, maybe i was baked, if you heard the idea you'd probably come to the same conclusion. I did the usual write it down, with many lights on lights off moments. And like every other idea, i did nothing about it. But unlike every other idea, it stayed with me. I thought about it alot, and i still do. It's changed and evolved, characters have come and gone, and i know the names of the two central figures.

I never talk about my ideas with anyone, i can't. I have it all mapped out in my head, it sounds cool to me, it works, but the very few times i've tried to explain something, it comes out of my mouth sounding like dogshit. Like a fresh steaming pile on the sidewalk, on a hot summer day. I get embarassed about it. I don't know if i can write well, i don't know if my ideas would translate onto paper, so it's hard to talk about something you have so little confidence in. But i sucked it up and actually talked to a friend about this idea of mine. He loved it, and it was the best thing possible for me. As i explained it new things came to light, i kept adding parts in that i didn't know existed yet, and my buddy gave me a different kind of perspective on the idea that helped me figure out a bit of a storyboard.

So this is long....it's boring....but it's a post, no one can argue that. I want to write this book, i hope that one day i'll get off my fat ass and do it, the idea is there, but apparently the drive isn't present to match it yet. Either way, despite my part timing ways, i love this blog because it's fun for me, i can write all this drivel and then Denby or Blain can come and rip me to shreds for it, and i love it. So do your worst boys, it only fuels the fire!

TV Tuesday!

I know you're all disappointed right now, cause here's an article on Television, but it's not by Kitzy, yes that's right, because that little politicunt is over their in Florida making sure the right man ends up running the country of our closest allies. An honorable mission no doubt so i'll try and fill in for him. Problem is, unlike Kitzy who watches every single horrible show that gets pumped out through network TV, I don't really have that many regular shows that I watch. And no i'm not even trying to claim to be one of those people you come across that says, "I don't even watch TV!" Cause I do. But i usually watch hockey, movies, and reruns of Seinfeld and Two and a Half Men (that Charlie is just incorrigible isn't he!). However there are two shows i watch on a regular basis. Dexter, and Entourage. So right now i'm throwing up the warning bell, if you're not caught up in either show, DING DING DING! SPOILER ALERT! Dont' read on!

Dexter:

Probably the greatest show on television, i can't think of anything that would top it. For those who have never seen Dexter, essentially it revolves around a forensics expert with the Miami P.D., aptly named.....Dexter. Dexter is a serial killer. However his father, who adopted Dexter at a young age, caught on to this early on in his life, (which is explained through numerous flashbacks), and taught his son how to kill, and more importantly who to kill. Using his skills in forensics and police work he tracks down those that deserve to die, but are not in jail, and FUCKS THEIR SHIT UP! Sorry...i really like the show.

This week's episode was an absolute banger! Things are really starting to heat up, Rita is pregnant and Dexter is now faced with the fact that he is going to be a father whether he likes it or not? Can someone who kills for a living really be responsible for another human life? Stay tuned! Not only that, but now Jimmy Smits character, who is just fantastic, knows Dexter's secret! HE KNOWS! And the craziest part is that he's fine with it! The A.D.A. for Miami is well aware that Dexter is killing people and taking out the trash, and approves of it, and is possibly willing to help? Will Dexter accept an accomplice in his actions? He's always been a lone wolf, can he accept help from another? If not what choice does he have? Stay tuned. And Deb, getting a little close to her C.I. it seems, we all know she hasn't had a lot of luck in her lovelife in recent years, is her luck changing? Stay Tuned.



Entourage:
Maybe i'm the only one who feels this way, but the first five episodes of Entourage so far this season....have been kind of shit. I mean each episode is already short enough, 25 minutes or so, so it seems over before it starts most of the time. So at the beginning of this season they decided to....well basically do nothing. Each episode seemed to be an exercise in pointlessness, is that a word? And what was even less encouraging was the fact that I used to like all the characters, i felt they genuinely all fit in to their roles, but that was starting to fade this season. Besides Ari who always seems to be Gold, pun intended, it seemed that Vince was just kind of frustrating, because i'm sorry, if you're going bankrupt, i don't give a fuck who you are, you definitely care. E seemed like this cocky little fuck, Turtle wasn't really doing anything at all, and Drama seemed to be finally becoming slightly played out.

I fell behind a couple episodes but finally got back on track Sunday and caught up. Complete 180! I'm back baby i'm back! Loved it! Love the way the story line was going, finally some action. Probably solely because their was some plot invested in the scripts, the characters came back to life for me. Vince's dilemma with Ari's possible decision to become a studio head. Turtle becoming Drama's personal assistant and then fucking him right over. And Ari taking what looked to be an awkward career decision and spinning it from straw into gold. Loved it. So now Vince has a movie to make, Ari is still his agent, and the show has life again. Considering i only really follow two shows, the fact that both are good again....well i couldn't be happier.



Sidenote: Stay tuned in the following weeks, as Mike Denby will be writing an article about his favorite show, "How I Met Your Mother," which i for one am quite excited for.

Nutshot of the Day

I just wanted to say that i'm not changing the Nutshot of the Day today, and why you ask? Because i want to make sure that everyone out there, the thousands of people who read this blog, i want to make sure they all get a chance to see this nutshot. You can say i'm lazy, but that's not really the case, cause it's really easy to switch it up. I just personally lost it when i saw "Fish Nuts" the first time. I think it's one of the funniest videos i've ever seen. I mean think about what you're seeing! I mean that might be the only time in the history of the world, a fish has flown ten feet out of the water straight into a guy's balls, and it was somehow caught on film! I think the fish had to have done it on purpose, there's really no other explanation for why he (or she i suppose) would launch himself out of the water right at a boat. It was either a suicide attempt gone hilariously wrong, or that fish was swimming around pissed off and decided, "i'm going to fuckin sack this dickweed!" Either way watch it, and then watch it again, it gets better each time.

Halloween!

Ok first off, some apologies, Kitzy and i have both been part timing it as of late with the posts, he has an excuse, mine are weak though. Thursday i was on site all day, friday the internet at my work was down til 3p.m., and then i was too lazy, but we'll try not to let that happen again. My second apology is for the nutshot of the day, it's really hard to single out one video, so if you ever see a string of four videos together like today, then just click on the top one, cause that's the nutshot of the day, the one today is so awesome! FISH NUTS!

So my topic today is simply halloween, i haven't even really decided what about it i want to talk about, so i'm just going to ramble.

First off i just want to say that halloween is probably my favorite party night of the entire year. And yes that puts alot of pressure on poor halloween, but the H-bomb always delivers. You see October 31st is the perfect night because it's almost impossible to not enjoy it. You get together with all your friends for drinks, and everyone is wearing their costumes, some are absolutely terrible, some are brilliant, but no matter what they're always funny. Each time someone new arrives you get the chance to see what type of humiliation they've decided to endure for the evening. And i'm not saying anything new here, but you gotta love how it's a chance for the women of the world to slut it up as much as humanly possible and it's completley expected, and a chance for guys to wear the stupidest shit they can find and the stupider it is, the better.

I will be going as Winnie The Pooh for halloween this year. For the third consecutive year, lame as hell i know, i mean one of the best parts of halloween is coming up with something new and exciting to wear each year. But i gotta say i love the Winnie costume so much. It's warm, it's easy, people always want to take pictures with you and rub your fur, there are so many jokes that can be made because of it, there's pickup lines galore, ("Will you be my honey for this evening, i seem to have forgot mine!") but it has one true downfall. Going pee. And when i drink alot, i often have to pee.....alot. You see Winnie zips up in the back, just above where my ass crack would end. And the zipper goes all the way up into the top of the hood. There's no pockets, and there's no random pee holes in the costume. So that means each time i feel the call of nature, i have to find a stall, unzip the costume which is a task in itself, especially whilst inebriated, and then i pull the costume over my head into the front, slowly roll it down, and then i pee over top of it, i know it's a difficult mental image, and it's even more difficult to perform in person. Last year after i peed i dropped one of the arms and the paw fell in the toilet. True story.

So today i'd like to invite anyone who wishes to relay their favorite halloween story of years past, to do so, either in the form of a comment, or you could simply just ask me for the password and you can write your own little blog. One of my favorite moments would have to be, the year one guy on my street was giving out, not one, not two, but three full sized chocolate bars to each kid that came to his door! I know it's unheard of, you should have seen the kid rumor mill going on that night, anytime you were running door to door to get more loot and you ran into a friend it would be, "man, you'll never believe it, there's a guy giving out 3 full chocolate bars!" "NO WAY!?" "Yeah, head two blocks down that way, hang a right, can't miss it!"

This year we have made quite a controversial decision and decided to try out a boat party! And if it ends up sucking i'm going to take a lot of heat since i was one of the few leading the charge on this one. We are on a huge boat, from 11 p.m. to 2 a.m., 250 people, appetizers, cheap drinks, i'm praying it will rule. The argument raged back and forth on this one.
"It'll be too cold!"
"No it won't, you only go outside if you want to!"
"It'll be expensive!"
"It's only 25 bucks, most parties are at least that much!"
"I don't want to be stuck on a boat all night, we won't be able to go anywhere else!"
"We never go anywhere else anyways!"

Finally after weeks of deliberation we signed up, some people very reluctantly. So it's on, this Friday night, if i blog next Monday, you know i wasn't thrown overboard, if not, call the cops, prime suspect at this point in time will be Stuart Galloway. He was against me from the start.

Stump Speech

We live in a great nation. Perhaps the greatest nation. Yet even as we speak, there are those who are preparing to divide us, the spin masters and negative ad peddlers who embrace the politics of anything goes. 

Well, I say to them tonight, there's not a liberal America and a conservative America -- there's the United States of America. There's not a black America and white America and Latino America and Asian America; there's the United States of America. And there is no living America and Zombie America!! There's only the United States of America! 

The pundits like to slice-and-dice our country into Red States and Blue States; Red States for Republicans, Blue States for Democrats. But I've got news for them, too. We worship an awesome God in the Blue States, and we have Zombies eating our brains in the Red States. We coach Little League in the Blue States and periodically see dead people, wandering aimlessly down the street, groaning with their arms outstretched in front of them in the Red States. There are patriots who oppose those who seek either flesh to eat or people to kill and infect and patriots who support it.

We are one people, all of us pledging allegiance to the stars and stripes, all of us defending the United States of America against the ill-behaved, mindless, unfeeling monsters with a hunger for human flesh who aim to harm us.

That is why I am running for President. To bridge that divide and to heal the wounds - not the literal wounds inflicted by those hungry, hungry zombies, but rather the figurative wounds - of a country sundered. My opponent, Zombie Abraham Lincoln is not an evil man. But his priorities are skewed. We must help bring this nation together and I fear that in volatile times like these, we cannot afford four more years of catering to the greedy needs of Zombie appetites.

We should not vilify them. Nor should we try to exclude them as the time for exclusionary politics is over. Rather, we should reach out to them (with protective gloves mind you, to prevent being bitten) to unite this nation, under one God with liberty and justice and delicious brains for all.

On The Trail

DAY 8... 

It feels like it's been a lot longer.

So Grimes gave me a pretty stern talking to today. He said I hadn't been pulling my weight around here. And he was right. I guess I'd lost sight of what really matters in my life.

Do I care about my job right now? Absolutely! But I also care a whole lot about watching Californication on Monday nights, and I haven't been doing that too much either, now have I? My priorities are all fucked up. So let's get back to business. And what better way for me to return than by talking about my new absolute passion:

The Wendy's Flavor-Dipped Chicken Sandwich

Wow. What a fucking sandwich!! I just had one, and it literally blew my mind. I've been making a pretty conscious choice to eat healthy food while I'm down here. And in the south that means getting a chicken burger instead of a hamburger. I've already lost 6 Lbs!! (Not really, but that would be an awesome diet). This chicken burger has the best sauce I've ever had in my entire life smothered all over the sumbitch like it took a big ol' bath in the stuff. So delicious! And the chicken? Moist, tender and succulent. Everything a non-Denby could ever ask for. 

Now I think most of the influential members of the culinary community will know how I feel about Wendy's fad sandwiches. Fuck'm. The baconator? Eric was there when I had my first one, and I think he saw my hear sink into my shoes when I saw how puny it was. *Just* three patties, six strips of bacon and cheese!? Where the FUCK is my mayo!?! But the Wendy's Flavor-Dipped Chicken Sandwich? No need for that shit. What it's got is all you need. And what has it got? The perfect makings of a pal meal, that's what. A couple of rings of onions - for me - and about eighteen pickles for my main man Grimes (Grimes, don't worry, I kept all of them in a napkin, I'm bringing them home for you). A masterpiece. A culinary masterpiece. 

So to the fine food scientists at Wendy's - to you, I tip my hat. Well done old boys. You have made the world a better place.

As for the rest of my day? Well, I was thinking about the numbers to it while I was danking out back just now - and here's how I see'm:

[Daily Tallies]

Hours in a day: 24

Hours spent working: 18

Hours spent sleeping: 5

Coffees consumed: 3

Red Bulls consumed: 2

Diet Cokes Consumed: 6

Meals: 1 (ideally Wendy's from now till I die, which could be any minute now)

Danks: 10

Beers: 4-6

Diarrhea Sessions: 2

Multi-Vitamins: 1

Air-Born Nutrient Drink: 1

Percentage of Awesomeness Felt: 100

So yeah, if I make it through this without a massive coronary or looking like Christian Bale from The Machinist, I'll be pretty pleased.

The campaign is going really well. I guess I should speak more to it, but I'll need way more time to collect my thoughts. I'm a pretty senior member of the team if I don't say so myself so I'm staying busy. I was actually offered a more senior position last week, coordinating the 200-300 Out Of State Volunteers (OOS Vols) for Northern Florida. It would have been a pretty big deal. And in my excitement I immediately took the job and started working away. And about an hour later I remembered I was Canadian. That was a tough shoe to chew. Obviously they had to renege on the offer cause they couldn't have some dirty stinking Canuck on senior calls, but it was still cool to have held the position. Even for 60 minutes. So yeah, that's me bragging cause I'm a huge chump. Eugh. This is going terribly...

For people who haven't been reading the polls, Americans are casting their ballots early in record numbers. And if you're looking at those stats in Northern Florida, their all because of us. It's a cool feeling to be able to check National polls and see what your work is producing. And what we're producing is this: Republicans beat us in every single state save one (Iowa) in 2004 in early voting. So this year, getting all that energy to translate into early votes was really important. Essentially it was making sure we weren't playing catch-up come election day. Now we have 2/3 of early voters casting their ballots for Barrack, and already we have just a bit under half a million votes cast. So we're doing well. And I'm still bragging. Sorry folks. I know this entry is sucking assholes, but I'm just letting it flow.

So yeah, Florida is still polling really tight (despite big voting numbers... more on that next time), and that likely won't change. But the bright side of it is that Florida is quickly becoming the "Must Win" for McCain. If he doesn't win it, he's done. He can't be president. So on Nov. 4th, if it goes our way, we've won the election. You'll pretty much be able to call it before the other 2/3rds of the nation are announced. And that's amazing. But it also scares the shit out of us.

On the door of our office we have "Run Scared" written in big letters and taped up where everyone can see it. Barrack said it on a conference call and it's become our mantra. Always run like you're being chased.

Luckily for us, that's easy because we are being chased by bat-shit crazy McCain, so that helps keep energy up.

And that's about it. Or rather, I have a bajillion more things to say but that's about all I can write in one go. So yeah, you guys all suck, I don't miss you at all and Grimes is a super-chump for getting a Blackberry.

The end

ps - whoa, that other blog that Grimes attached is way better than ours. We really do need to step it up, eh? Grimes! More stories about you and Denby, and laughing and laughing and laughing...

I rarely get pissed off, but when i do....

Ok so this morning's post is going to be a rant, and boy do i love to rant sometimes, there are few things out there that truly piss me off, but today's topic i can honestly say....PISSES ME OFF! Don't you worry, this is not a rant about one person or anything like that, but it's aimed at a select few companies. And so it begins....

So what's grinding my gears? Cable companies. Specifically Rogers and Cogeco. Why you ask? Here's why. Yesterday my brother went out and got us a PVR digital cable box. We've been wanting one for a while because our schedules can be pretty random, and although there's not a ton of regular tv shows i watch, it's nice to tape movies sometimes, or if i'm going to miss the first half of a hockey game i can PVR it and catch up or something like that. Anyways so the box comes with about five bazillion different wires, some of which we don't need, some which we do. So i take a look at the instructions for setting it up....and holy shit you gotta be kidding me. It shows 5 boxes in a row, and only "Cable In", "Cable Out" connections. What about the countless other wires? Who knows i guess. And why would Rogers want to sell me this terrific piece of machinery without the proper installation instructions? Well obviously once i've prematurely balded myself by ripping every strand of hair out of my head, and come as close to a mental breakdown as possible, i'm going to call Rogers and they will send someone to my house to set it up for me. And they'll charge an arm and a leg to do it. I haven't quite resorted to that yet though. Derek Mumford, techinal wiz, will be on his way to my place this afternoon once he wakes up and has breakfast which should be around 3 p.m. I'm hoping he can figure it out.

You think that's the end of my rant? You think that's all i've got? Hell no, i'm not done yet. Another rant against Rogers. For a while my bro and i were fortunate enough to be in a hotspot with an unsecured network so we temporarily cancelled our internet since we were getting it for free. So we would still pay about 3 bucks a month for rental of the router, but we could call in anytime and they'd start our internet service back up. So after a couple months the internet connection was fading and was really inconsistent so we decided to start paying again. I called them up, they flipped the proverbial internet switch, and we were back in business. Until i got my bill of course. 300 FUCKIN DOLLAR INSTALLATION FEE!? What the hell? Didn't I already pay this when we first had it installed? Yes of course i did, so i called Rogers up with a rather large bee in my bonnet. Of course they waived the fee and they informed me not to worry cause this was just an automatic fee tacked on by the computer system whenever someone's internet was switched on. So they know about this little computer "glitch". Why wouldn't they change it then? I guess the answer to that is, why would they? There are probably quite a few people who have their bills paid automatically through their internet banking and might not notice this discrepancy. Toronto being such a diverse multicultural city probably also has quite a few residents who haven't completley mastered the English language yet. So let's say a man or woman of Chinese descent, that haven't been in the country for long, is trying to figure out why their bill is so large. It's probably not so easy for them to understand the situation, and at the same time pretty easy for the person they're talking to, to blow them off. So there's some serious profit to be had, for doing absolutely nothing. And the real kicker to this situation, you call up, and you're pissed off, 3oo bones is nothing to sneeze at, but you can't yell at the guy on the phone, at least i never do. I mean he has nothing to do with what happened. It's the higher up powers that be that are making money off the bullshit, and you can't talk to them, cause they're on the golf course. This poor bastard just sits there, and gets paid far too little all day to take phonecalls from people who give him shit. So be frustrated all you want, and sure sit on the phone and ask to speak to the manager, then his manager, and his manager, and so on....but by the time you get to the big boys.....well they're in a meeting right now but boy would they ever love to talk to you if they weren't.

Think i'm done? I'm not done. My next bone to pick, this time is with Cogeco. Why Cogeco? They don't even provide service in Toronto, their monopoly is in Oakville. Well my parents live in Oakville, and since the cable companies have it perfectly organized so that they don't have to compete with each other, Cogeco is their only option. (Sure you can get satellite TV, but if it's raining out, well then grab your favorite book!) So as many of you know, i'm a big Habs fan, and this isn't by accident, it's in my blood. It came from above. My parents both also enjoy watching hockey, and since they live in the GTA, that means the local team is of course the Leafs, but the Leafs suck. So they like to watch Canadiens games just like my bro and I. Cogeco sent out a flyer to all it's subscribers advertising their great "NHL Centre Ice" package. You pay about 25 to 30 bucks a month and you get every single NHL game. The flyer specifically targeted Montreal fans with a headline that said, "catch every Habs game this year!" So last week they try to tune into the Habs game....no signal. So my Dad called up Cogeco to ask them what the problem was. "Oh we're very sorry sir, it appears that we will not be able to show any Montreal Canadiens games in the package this year." Uh.....what? Huh? Excuse me? So they advertise, "we are showing all Habs games!", then they decide they can't show any, and did they tell anyone about it? No of course not. My parents got no call, no email, no letter, nothing informing them of this decision. So after they called my parents talked about it and figured there's no point in them having the package if there's no Montreal games since they would probably not watch many, if any other games. So the following week they called up to cancel the package. "Actually sir, it turns out we will be showing all Habs games this year after all!" Uh.....what? Huh? Excuse me? Apparently there was such a big stink from people calling in furious, (Habs nation....gotta love them!) that they figured their shit out and got it done. But again of course they would never inform anyone of this decision. You pay us money, and we'll provide you a service, but if we welch on that service, well then you call us to figure it out. Makes sense.

So that concludes my little rant, i guess it's not so little after all, but i feel better now that it's out of my system. I hope you enjoyed it.

Just Having a Rig ol' Bead!

I like sports, i like my friends, i like not politics, so what else can i write about, well i like to read, so why don't i do a quick little nerdy book review/recommendation. I will suggest one book that i loved and why i loved it, followed by one book i hated and why i hated it.

Book: Barney's Version
Author: Mordecai Richler
Should you read it: HELL YEAH!
Why?: Ok so Mordecai Richler, well he's one of Canada's best writers, if not the best writer we've ever produced. This coming from someone who knows nothing about Canadian Authors. But i know's what i likes, and i likes me some Mordecai. Now some of you might not recognize the name but the odds are you've read a book or two by him without knowing. "Jacob Two-Two and the Hooded Fang" ring a bell? Or the sequel "Jacob Two-Two and the Dinosaur"? What about "The Apprenticeship of Duddy Kravitz"? Some of you may have read that one in school like i did.

These are all fantastic books, but the one that stood out for me was "Barney's Version". Now this book is as you maybe predicted, about a man named Barney. Basically Barney is in a sense writing his memoirs throughout the book, taking you back through his life over the years and explaining his 'version' of events. I say his version because essentially Barney is a pretty despicable person. He's had multiple wives, multiple jobs, screwed over multiple people, and possibly committed murder. And don't worry i'm not ruining the book cause you find all this out pretty much right away. Barney is still in love with his ex-wife but he fucked that one up pretty royally.

The reason i found this book so incredible, is for the shear amount of effort required to read it. When i started reading it, there were many times that i almost abandoned it. To read 20 pages was mentally exhausting, and it's not a short book. There are countless characters to remember, and i love that Richler basically said "fuck it" to the average reader when writing this book. If you don't read alot, like every single night, then i wouldn't bother, cause you'll come back and be lost. He jumps from time period to time period, subject to subject, and location to location. The first 100 pages you'll almost find yourself angry with him for putting you through this kind of mental torture.

However a strange thing seems to happen along the way, even though you're reading the memoirs of such a vile human being. You start to sympathize with him, you start to laugh with him, you start to see his side of the story and he slowly turns into one of the most interesting characters you could ever hope for. The read starts to get easier because you've done your homework in the beginning so the characters are finally falling into place and you're not so confused anymore. And Richler, is a literary genius, and a comedic one aswell. I'm not one of those people who shows much emotion when reading a book. I almost never laugh out loud, (LOL!), i won't cower under a blanket, and i think a book has made me cry only a couple times. However there were several times while reading "Barney's Version" that i was chuckling to myself, or just had a smile plastered on my face. Plus Barney is a massive Habs fan throughout the book since most of it takes place in the Jewish suburbs of Montreal, which helped me identify with him.

So i would defintely recommend this book but take heed of all my warnings above and don't come to me saying, "Grimes what the fuck, i started to read that book and it was impossible!" Just stick with it, it'll be worth it. I won't say what happens, but the book has without a doubt, my favorite ending of any book i've ever read. The last page left me laughing to myself and convinced that Richler is Canada's best writer.

Book: Happy Days - Fonzie goes to College
Author: Unknown
Should you read it?: FUCK NO!
Why?: Cause it Fuckin sucked. At one point in Australia, i was reading a shitload, and me and the boys were camping out at some campsite. In the main building they had a box of books that you could just have, i caught a glimpse of "Happy Days: Fonzie Goes to College" and figured it would be funny to read. Probably the worst half hour of my life was to follow. Fonzie starts his own college with some other shitheels. They play a football team against another school where Fonzie scores a touchdown riding his fuckin motorcycle. At one point The Fonz is looking for a lawnmower, and he spots a toolshead and says "AAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY......TOOLSHED!" And then he opens the toolshed and says, "AAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY.....LAWNMOWER!" Now the only thing i really want to know is who the fuck bought that book in the first place? I mean yeah i read it out of sheer boredom, but it was free so all i really lost was my dignity, but someone paid money for that horseshit and if i ever find out who it was then i'm going to grab a video camera and film my own "Nutshot of the Day".