Stump Speech

We live in a great nation. Perhaps the greatest nation. Yet even as we speak, there are those who are preparing to divide us, the spin masters and negative ad peddlers who embrace the politics of anything goes. 

Well, I say to them tonight, there's not a liberal America and a conservative America -- there's the United States of America. There's not a black America and white America and Latino America and Asian America; there's the United States of America. And there is no living America and Zombie America!! There's only the United States of America! 

The pundits like to slice-and-dice our country into Red States and Blue States; Red States for Republicans, Blue States for Democrats. But I've got news for them, too. We worship an awesome God in the Blue States, and we have Zombies eating our brains in the Red States. We coach Little League in the Blue States and periodically see dead people, wandering aimlessly down the street, groaning with their arms outstretched in front of them in the Red States. There are patriots who oppose those who seek either flesh to eat or people to kill and infect and patriots who support it.

We are one people, all of us pledging allegiance to the stars and stripes, all of us defending the United States of America against the ill-behaved, mindless, unfeeling monsters with a hunger for human flesh who aim to harm us.

That is why I am running for President. To bridge that divide and to heal the wounds - not the literal wounds inflicted by those hungry, hungry zombies, but rather the figurative wounds - of a country sundered. My opponent, Zombie Abraham Lincoln is not an evil man. But his priorities are skewed. We must help bring this nation together and I fear that in volatile times like these, we cannot afford four more years of catering to the greedy needs of Zombie appetites.

We should not vilify them. Nor should we try to exclude them as the time for exclusionary politics is over. Rather, we should reach out to them (with protective gloves mind you, to prevent being bitten) to unite this nation, under one God with liberty and justice and delicious brains for all.