Montreal Timeline

First off i must apologize, i've been part timing really hard this week and letting my counterpart Mr. Kitz pick up the slack for me, which he always seems to do in miraculous fashion. Truth is believe it or not that i've been busy as fuck over here so i haven't really been able to get around to posting anything of merit. However i've got a bit of a lull right now, so i figured i might as well try and spit some drivel out for the masses. So without further ado, I present to you, my weekend in Montreal as i envision it right now.

Friday

7:12 a.m.- Alarm goes off, tired as fuck, hit snooze.

7:57 a.m. - After hitting snooze 5 times i finally roll my ass out of bed and into the shower, dress for success, and show up for work 10 minutes late.

8:40 a.m. to 12:40 p.m. - Try to get shit done between fantasizing about returning to La Belle Province. Not Quebec, but the restaurant, i defy you to find a better poutine in the world, not possible.

12:45 p.m. - Getting frustrated waiting for Colin to show up, you'd think that meeting him about 3 times a week, and him always being late, would maybe teach me to show up a little late myself? Nope, i'm not that smart, Colin finally shows up 6 minutes late looking at the time with a guilty smile on his face. Douchebag.

1:45 p.m. to 4 p.m. - Try to coast through the rest of the day and then leave an hour early cause we have to pick Dave up from the airport as he is returning from a trip to California. While waiting for Dave, strongly consider pushing Julien in front of a taxi, urge eventually fades.

5 p.m. to 11:30 p.m. - On the road, traffic's a bitch getting out of Toronto, but eventually the 401 clears and it's smooth sailing. Julien doesn't pee once the whole way cause he's a human dromaderie (camel). I pee 16 times, most of which are in bottles in the car which i try to swap with people's drinks, they aren't amused. Julien falls asleep with ease. Dave regails us with golf stories. I play with myself a little bit hoping no one will notice....they do notice.....silence til we arrive.

11:30 p.m. to 4 a.m. - Quickly check into our hotel on Rene Levesque. Holy fuck i forgot how cold Montreal is. Get our shit in order, straight to St. Laurent, and over to Bifteque. Order 5 shots of whisky for 11 bucks. Dave has to take 2 cause there's only 4 of us. Get trashed unusually quick. Look at hot girls and talk about how we would love to hook it up! When one accidentally looks over, we all quickly cast our eyes downward and giggle to ourselves. Stumble to La Belle Province around 3:30 a.m., get poutines to go, eat them in our hotel rooms, 3 out of 4 of us snore.

Saturday

11:00 a.m. - Wake up.....hungover....ugh.....take our sweet ass time getting ready, good lord it looks cold outside!

12:15 p.m. - Decide it's time to make a move, it's only so often you get to come to Montreal.

12:45 p.m. to 2:00 p.m. - Finally actually make a move, and walk our asses through the downtown en route to Peel Pub, occasionally popping into a store here and there to check some merchandise we probably won't buy, but more importantly to warm up. Several times i try to grab Julien's hand and hold it as a fun little joke, he doesn't like it. Dave nuts me. He is unsuccessful however because my balls have retreated inside my body for survival. Finally arrive at the holyland.....Peel Pub.....time to get sloppy.

2:00 p.m. to 6:15 p.m. - Peel Pub is pretty uncrowded when we arrive, Dave gets a couple scattered boos due to his Leafs Jersey. We are delighted to find out they still offer their "5 Bud Lights for 9 Dollars" deal from the previous year. Julien is especially happy since he's already switched to light beer for good....pansy. Over the course of just over 4 hours, we go through 11 buckets of 5 Bud Lights, some regrettable food choices, numerous high fives with strangers due to our Habs Jersey's, fleeting moments of wondering if we're too hammered to be in public, and finally pay our tab and take to the streets for the walk to the Bell Centre.

6:35 p.m. - There she is. My Jerusalem. The temple. The Bell Centre. Can you feel that? Can you feel that energy? It doesn't matter in a given season whether one team is good and one team sucks, whenever the Habs and Leafs square off, the energy in the building is electric, this is going to be awesome.

7:12 p.m. to 9:55 p.m. - The game. Clearly the Habs win in a 5-1 drubbing of the blue shirts. Grabovski and Kostitsyn make good on their promise to scrap. I scream "YEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!!!! PUT HIM IN A BODY BAG!!!" I get some odd looks. Clearly some people need to rewatch Karate Kid. I feel bad when Grabovski is actually taken out in a body bag. Kovalev scores twice on the power play, and Higgins, Markov, and Lapierre all add goals of their own. Price is only beaten once on the power play when a puck deflects off a skate in front. Chants of OLE OLE OLE OLE! rain down from the stands. Insults from French Canadiens are hurled at anyone sporting a Leafs Jersey. Dave takes it all in stride. Oh and i failed to mention....our seats at the game are in the Air Canada Section, which means free food all game. Awesome. I walk out of the game feeling like a million bucks. Then proceed to puke on the sidewalk.

10:05 p.m. - Trying to decide what to do, where to go, Crescent Street? Back to St. Laurent? Strip Joint?

10:20 p.m. to 12:13 a.m. - Take a wild guess. Emily's strip club. 8 dollar lap dances, sure i've never had a lap dance before, but i can brag about knowing the prices. Instead we are cheap bastards and just watch as old french dudes get lap dances at the tables close to ours. Nurse a couple of beers and enjoy the show. I tell one stripper, "You.....youuu......you.....youlooksogood.....youlooksogood." Her lips say thanks but her eyes say fuck off. So we do.

12:30 p.m. to 3 a.m. - Bar hopping along Crescent Street until we find something off the hook. We've been drinking for over 12 hours by this point so things are getting a little fuzzy and energy is wearing thin, but how often do you actually come to Montreal? Once a year maybe twice, so gotta keep it going. I try to chat up a bartender, she tells me i'm a great friend and that i should add her on Facebook. Eventually we all admit that we're pretty much cashed. Head to Boustan for some shawarma's and garlic potatoes and then bring that shit back to the hotel room. Mark opts for another poutine from "La Belle Province" instead. We all are kind of jealous we didnt' do the same. One by one we pass out with the Tv on.

11:30 a.m. - Phone is ringing, it's the front desk, check out was half an hour ago could we please vacate the room?

12:30 p.m. - Another phone call, "yeah ok we're leaving man relax."

12:45 p.m. to 6 p.m.- Check out, grab the van, quick chat about what we should do. Stick around for another couple of hours? Head back now? Julien suggests we find a rink and play some outdoor hockey cause he's obsessed and rightly so. The rest of us shoot him down immediately because it's -50 Celsius. We decide to make the drive back. Conversation is not as lively as it was on the way to Montreal. Someone suffers from Big D. We eventually make it back to Toronto feeling like sacks of dirt, but overall agree that was one hell of a weekend.

So that's what i envision is going to happen this weekend. I'd imagine i'll be pretty damn accurate but i suppose we will see. Either way i'm pumped, GO HABS GO!