Grimes Inc.

With the ever changing economy situation, it's important for all of us to look at our individual financial situations in these tough times, and see how we can stay ahead of the game. So I have been thinking to myself of late, "Eric....you're a half retarded young go getter, how can you make a little more money to counterbalance the stock market losses?" The answer was easy of course....exploit your friends.

Mike Denby: This was my first idea, and man is it ever a banger. Like it's pretty much foolproof and i'd be amazed if i don't rake in some dough from it. I know most of you are thinking i'm going to say, "pimp him out and take 20%", well no that's not it, that would be too easy, my actual idea is much more diabolical and complex. So Mike Denby likes to throw parties right? Big parties. They're usually quite "off the hook" as the teenagers like to say. So here's my idea. I throw up a whole bunch of flyers around the house that go a little something like this.

"GOTTA SHIT? WELL I WOULDN'T DO IT HERE IF I WERE YOU! THAT YOUNG MAN OR WOMAN YOU'VE BEEN COURTING WON'T BE TOO IMPRESSED WHEN THEY CATCH A WHIFF OF THE BOMB YOU JUST DROPPED. SO WHAT TO DO? THERE'S ALWAYS A LINE UP FOR THE BATHROOM SO EVERYONE WILL KNOW! WANT TO CHANCE IT AND GO TO 751 NEXT DOOR INSTEAD? I WOULDN'T DO THAT IF I WERE YOU, HAVE YOU SEEN THEIR CLIENTELE? GRIMES INC. IS HERE FOR YOU. FOR THE LOW PRICE OF ONLY $9.99 (G.S.T. & P.S.T. NOT INCLUDED) YOU CAN HOP ACROSS THE STREET AND USE MY PRIVATE APARTMENT INSTEAD. NO LINES, NO JUDGEMENT, DISCRETION GUARANTEED. ACT NOW AND I'LL THROW IN A SECOND VISIT ABSOLUTELY FREE IN CASE YOU HAD TACO BELL FOR DINNER!"

Now tell me that idea wouldnt' work? Go on and tell me? You've got nothing do you. That's cause it's perfect.

Julien Favre: Julien Favre is one of my best friends. He's a beauty of a gentleman. A dashing mix of European and North-East African ethnicity. He loves the Habs, and he loves the Kansas City Chiefs. Unfortunately sometimes, not very often, but sometimes, he loves the sauce, the hard stuff, maybe just a little bit too much, and when he's sauced? Well....look out. So how to take advantage of this? Easy.

"HEY FRIEND. SOMETHING GOT YOU DOWN? IS THERE A COWORKER MAYBE WHO CONSTANLY BERATES YOU AND MAKES YOU FEEL SMALL? MAYBE AN EX LOVER WHO DUMPED YOU FOR ANOTHER? AN ACQUAINTANCE CONSTANTLY HITTING ON YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER? WELL GRIMES INC. HAS THE SOLUTION FOR YOU. FOR THE LOW PRICE OF A 26 OUNCE BOTTLE OF JACK DANIELS + $39.99 (NOT INCL. SHIPPING + HANDLING) WE WILL DELIVER A STAGGERINGLY DRUNK BELIGERENT YOUNG MAN TO THE DESTINATION OF YOUR CHOICE. UPON ARRIVAL THIS YOUNG MAN WILL VERBALLY AND POSSIBLY PHYSICALLY ABUSE YOUR SUBJECT, PROVIDING PUBLIC HUMILIATION AND POSSIBLY REDUCING THE VICTIM TO TEARS FOR YOUR PUBLIC ENJOYMENT. HE'S A SPECIAL YOUNG MAN IN THAT HE HAS NEVER LOST AN ARGUMENT (CURRENTLY 1285-0) AND HIS CLEVER BANTER HAS NO DEFENSE. SATISFACTION GUARANTEED."

If you want evidence of Julien's prowess, talk to anyone who was at Mumford's cottage this past summer. When he arrived we were all against him for refusing to pick up paper plates and plastic cutlery, a simple task Mumford had designated to his group. When we left....somehow Mumford was in the wrong. He's a machine.

Derek Mumford: As it's been discussed before, Mumford has no job. He's living the life. He chills out all day, gets a great amount of sleep, catches up on TV shows, plays some Nintendo Wii, maybe smokes some reefer. If you want someone awesome to hang out with that will guarantee you a satisfying day.....well it's Mumford. So again....how can I take advantage of this? Did you even have to ask?

"ARE YOU A LOSER? GOT NO FRIENDS TO CALL YOUR OWN? OR MAYBE YOU JUST DON'T GO FOR THE STANDARD 9 TO 5 JOB AND WORK NON TRADITIONAL HOURS? NEED A FRIEND? SOMEONE TO TAKE AWAY THE BOREDOM OF YOUR EVERYDAY LIFE? GRIMES INC. HAS THAT FRIEND. FOR THE STAGGERINGLY LOW PRICE OF $24.95 A DAY, OR YOU COULD CHOOSE ONE OF OUR WEEKDAY BUNDLES STARTING AT $99.99/WEEK, YOU COULD LIVE THE DREAM AND SPEND ALL DAY HANGING OUT WITH A MAN KNOWN ONLY TO HIS FRIENDS AS "THE COMFORT". GET FIT PLAYING WII TENNIS OR BOWLING. MAYBE TAKE A SWIM AT THE LOCAL COMMUNITY CENTRE. TAKE A JOG OUT TO THE FAMOUS TORONTO WINDMILL. DON'T FEEL LIKE EXERCISE? WELL THEN CHOOSE A TV SHOW YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO WATCH AND ENJOY IT WITH A MARIJUANA CIGARETTE AND SOME GOOD COMPANY. LIKE TO LAUGH? WELL "THE COMFORT'S" WITTY BANTER AND ZANY STORIES WILL KEEP YOU IN STITCHES FOR HOURS! HIS APARTMENT IS WITHIN CLOSE PROXIMITY OF MANY FINE DINING ESTABLISHMENTS. TRULY THIS IS A MAN YOU NEED TO MEET. PROBLEMS WITH THE LADIES? WELL NOT ANYMORE. CALL NOW TO ENQUIRE ABOUT OUR FREE 1 HOUR COMFORT TRIAL HANGOUT."

I probalby shouldnt' have even mentioned this idea, i've been getting the goods for free, now he might want to start charging me.

Eric Grimes: Couldn't leave out yours truly now could I? However now you're all thinking, "jesus christ, what could Grimes possibly have to offer anyone at all?" Trust me there's something every woman would want!

"LADIES ARE YOU TIRED OF BEING USED AND ABUSED BY MEN? WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE LISTENED TO AND FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE THE UPPER HAND FOR A CHANGE? GRIMES INC. KNOWS YOUR PAIN AND WANTS TO HELP. NOT ONLY THAT OUR SERVICE WON'T COST YOU A DIME....IN FACT YOU'LL GET A FREE MEAL AND ENOUGH DRINKS TO MAKE YOUR HEAD SWIM! BE AMUSED AS YOUR YOUNG ESCORT ATTEMPTS TO WOO YOU WITH INANE EXAGERATED BABBLE. FEEL YOUR CONFIDENCE SOAR AS YOUR DATE LONGINGLY STARES AT YOU AND GETS HIS HOPES UP. THEN ENJOY THE SENSATION OF PLACING HIM IN THE FRIEND ZONE AND WATCH THE REALITY OF THE SITUATION COME CRASHING DOWN UPON HIM. GIGGLE TO YOURSELF AS HE STUMBLES ACROSS HIS WORDS "SO....I DONT KNOW IF YOU WANT TO....BUT IF YOU DID.....NOT SAYING THAT YOU DO BUT IF YOU DID....WE COULD ALWAYS GO UP TO MY PLACE....LIKE NOTHING HAS TO HAPPEN....BUT WE COULD HANG OUT....AND IF YOU WANTED TO STAY OVER.....WELL I MEAN....YOU COULD HAVE THE BED.....I COULD SLEEP ON THE COUCH.....OR THE FLOOR.....WHATEVER YOU WANTED....." THEN GIVE HIM A GENTLE HUG AND TELL HIM HE'S A GREAT FRIEND AND WALK AWAY FEELING JUST GREAT! ACT NOW, THE FIRST TEN CALLERS WILL GET FLOWERS THAT COST HIM FAR TOO MUCH!"

Now how is that for an offer ladies! Bring it on! Dish it out, i can take it!

Grimes Inc. is now officially open for business, for now we only have the four subtrades to our company, but Grimes Inc. is on the forefront of expansion, so stay tuned for more great offers including the can't miss Colin Pearson cornucopia.