Grimes Getting Hurt!

First off before i start my own post today, i'd like to add a little editor's note. We had a comment on one of the guest blogs yesterday that i'd just like to address. The person in question, who was anonymous, was none too pleased with the blog written by guestblogger AK. Now i understand for sure the content of said blog may not have been your cup of tea.....well it may not have been alot of people's cups of tea actually. Your comment was valid, no doubt about that. However for me personally, and i refuse to speak for my partner in crime "Alexander Kitz Canadian Pale Male", the whole point of this blog is to avoid censorship. It's for the two of us, aswell as anyone else who feels the inkling to express themselves, to be able to write about any and everything that we want. For the most part we keep it tastefu....well.....not really tasteful i guess....but at least we try not to piss people off, because the people who read this for the most part are friends of ours. I have known AK for a while. He's a good guy and he expressed an interest in adding something to the blog, I wanted to hear what he had to say, and i'm glad he did post, and if he wants to post again then he should feel free. That's the beauty of freedom of speech, and to the person who commented on his post, i'm glad you did comment and i appreciate your point, if you'd like the chance to add to this in a guestblog of your own, you need only ask, grimes17@hotmail.com is my email address.

Ok so now that we've tackled that subject, let's get to the stupid stuff! I decided today that you all deserve to hear about times i've hurt myself. Cause let's face it Wednesday is a pretty average day so why don't we all cheer up and gear up for the weekend with some pleasurable anecdotes about me in extreme pain.

The Fall: Hoo hoo hoo baby! What a doozy this one was. Ok i can't exactly remember how old i was, but if i had to guess i'd say around 12 years old. I had developed a mighty friendship through hockey with another young lad by the name of Rob Raham. Rob was a little on the hyper side but overall a fun kid. And even better he had a cottage on Lake Rosso in Muskoka. So he invited me up there one weekend with his fam and i gratefully accepted. The weather didn't cooperate too well however and we were stuck cooped up inside most of the weekend playing cards. We got a little sunshine one day and it was too cool to go swimming, so we took a walk down to the public tennis courts, but to our dismay, when we arrived, both were in use. However being kids and having the attention spans of a piece of toast, we couldn't just wait, so we decided to climb the tig ol' bree (big old tree) with the picnic bench underneath. This tree was pretty much perfect, tons of big thick branches everywhere all close together. So up we go, and eventually we get to the very top which is probably about the height of a two storey house. We're walking along one branch near the top, with our hands shimmying along a branch above. We notice that the tree ends in a stump at the top....not a good sign...the tree is dead....these branches can't be too strong.....CRACK! We didnt' fall right away, just heard a loud crack, enough time to look at each other in complete and utter dismay. SNAP! There we go, the branch beneath us breaks. We both managed to hold the branch above our heads for about a second or two......and then off we go! It was quite a long ride to the bottom....but we were lucky there were so many branches to go through cause they for sure slowed us down. We finally fall out the bottom, Rob somehow lands on his feet while i land with my tailbone on a root. Felt good. Haha i still remember Rob's sister yelling over to us, "ROB! Be careful!" And then going back to her tennis match. I wanted to yell back, "BITCH WHAT THE FUCK! I JUST FELL OUT OF A FUCKIN TREE! LITTLE HELP?" But i was 12....you just don't do that. So yeah i definitely got the worst of it, my right forearm, on the hairless part, i pretty much had lost a good amount of skin from the elbow to the wrist. And then i had assorted cuts and bruises over my other limbs. I felt bad for poor Rob's mom cause she had to deliver me back to my parents with bandages all over the place, but it was cool cause my parents don't really like me anyways so they were fine with it.

The Boot: Rugby. What a sport. I played five years in high school and my first year of University before my ankles took over and told me that I in fact was a 90 year old man and couldn't do it anymore. I wasn't too shabby either. Little self promotion there. Anyways so one wonderful game in O.A.C., we were playing an away game against a team i can't remember, and i'm going to assume we were killing them cause for the most part we usually did. So i was playing scrum half and one of their backs had the ball and was running on an angle towards the sideline. I managed to chase him down, and i could see it all unfolding in my head, miraculous try saving diving tackle, accolades from all my peers, head cheerleader in a whipped cream bikini that night, an assembly in my honor. Nope....not exactly what happened. I did in fact dive and managed to wrap the guy up around the waist, and i started to twist him down. That was when my old pal Derek "Not So Comfort" Mumford decided, "hey....looks like Eric's got this tackle in the bag....but maybe i should crank this guy's upper body as he's falling to make it an even bigger hit.....god i love Marijuana!" So he did. And in the process he gives me a full out boot to the face. I remember the impact striking me directly in the nose. Then i think i blacked out for a couple seconds, only to open my eyes to a whole lot of red liquid spraying out of my face. Yes that's right Derek had been playing the whole game with a pitcher of KOOL-AID in his shorts. Oh no wait that was my blood. So i was attended to by our trainer, and then lead off the field quite woozy, but with no serious injuries other than a lifetime of hatred for Mumford lodged firmly in my heart.

The Skate: I think i would have been about 6 when this next incident took place. My elementary school, Linbrook, had successfully created an outdoor ice rink on the soccer field one winter, and so one night, my Dad, my brother, and myself mosied on over for a little skoot around on the ice. We played myself and Mark against old Pappy. As the night wore on i believe eventually Big Mel called "last goal wins", and being the hell of a father that he is, he probably let us win. Mark scored the game winning goal and he was skating towards me to celebrate. What a moment! "Mark! Dearest older brother! What a goal! We actually defeated the old tyrant and.....WHOOPS!" Mark slipped backwards as i stumbled forwards and Mark's skate blade goes sliding right into my nose. So there i am wailing away as blood flows down my face and i have a gash between my eyes on the bridge of my nose. See my family always makes fun of me for this next part, and it's completley unjustified, apparently i was screaming my head off when my dad took me into get stitches, and he claims it was embarrassing! EMBARRASSING? EXCUSE ME? The fuckin quack that prevented the brains from streaming out of my face didn't even freeze me! He said that there wasn't enough meat where i was cut to properly freeze me, i have a small nose, so sue me. So a 6 year old kid who just took a sharp foot sized knife to the face is screaming as a doctor jams a needle in and out of his face. Jesus Christ Grimes family, like i know we like to laugh and joke around but to insinuate that i'm a little pussy in that moment is just plain.......well true i guess......but either way fuck you.

The SeeSaw: Now i think i've definitely mentioned this one before, but it's what brought this column to mind so i figured i'd pay it a second tribute, cause in truth it was pretty awesome. I saw an old picture of me this weekend, hanging out with all my cousins, and i'm sporting an absolute banger of a black eye in it. A real beaut. I look about 7 or 8 years old in the photo, which means i was probably in fact 9 or 10, seeing as how for most of my school life i looked at least two years younger than i actually was. You should try it sometime, really good for the confidence with the ladies.

"Hey you want to go out sometime?"

"Awww....sorry little man....you're a little cutie.....maybe once you're all grown up!"

"Uhhh.....i'm 16 and i'm in all your classes...."

So anyways how did i get this black eye? Well Mike Denby and I used to hang out a fair amount as youngsters. He had a wicked cool tree house/playground in his backyard, including a seesaw. So a favorite past time of ours was to find launchable items.....and then proceed to launch them. One person loads the item, which was often these awesome big wrestling figures like Ravishing Rick Rude or Coco B-Ware, and when it was go time the other one would slam the one end of the seesaw down and send that wrestler into orbit. Fuck yeah it was awesome. So one time i was finishing loading the item in question, and old Michael Robert, who's never been the cleanest sock in the drawer, decides to launch before i'm ready. Seesaw swings up and BLAMARAM! it's lights out for young Optimus Grime. I'm lying there, probably with my soul halfway out of my body, seeing stars, and young MRD goes screaming past me running to the house, "I KILLED HIM! I KILLED MY BEST FRIEND!" I continue to lie there picturing my new life as a disfigured mongoloid, and Mrs. Denby god bless her comes running out and leads me inside. She slaps a pack of frozen peas on my face and eventually takes me home. Medicine runs in the Denby blood with Big John Denby being a doctor and Mrs. D being a nurse, so she informed me to sleep on my side with my good eye on the pillow to avoid swelling. FUCK THAT! If i go through all that pain i'm at least going to have something to show for it. So i slept with the mangled eye down.....not smart (as i've proven more than a few times already). The next morning it pretty much looked like i'd glued a purple basketball to my face. Eventually however it settled into a pretty kickass black eye and i got laid more than a few times because of it i'm proud to say.

So there you go everyone, i hope you enjoyed me getting hurt. I hope each time you could actually see the incident in your mind and imagine the pain coursing through my body. I hope i've brought a little enjoyment to your Wednesday's you sadistic S.O.B.'s. Til we meet again.

-McGrime the Grime Dawg