Don't Knock Croc Rock or I'll Clean your Clock!

So i'm at work, haven't eaten anything yet today, and i have slow creeping hangover that's steadily getting worse. Also i'm about to self inflict Taco Bell on myself, which is like hitting yourself in the head with a shovel when you've got a headache. Worst....cure......ever. And why do i feel this terrible you ask? Only cause i was fortunate enough to attend the greatest Wednesday night bar in the city last night....yes you guessed it.....Crocodile Rock!So now you're probably thinking, "why the fuck are you going out and getting wasted on a Wednesday night in the first place?" Well calm down...if you could maybe just be a little patient i'll tell you.

So to set the stage, myself, Julien Favre, Jordan Blain, Dave Segal, Mike Tonner and Dave Barbaree all went to the Raptors game last night. Before hand we enjoyed a lovely meal at Hoops, the new sports bar by the ACC. They have 122 Tv's, including some in the floor. Yes you read that correctly....Tv's.....in the floor. So after our waitress made 122 mistakes with our orders, one for each TV, we took off and hit the game. Julien and i had seperate seats, and although the game had it's exciting moments, we were dismayed to see our lovely Raps lose to the well oiled machine that is the Detroit Pistons, even minus newly acquired A.I.

So post game, someone suggests we should get more drinks, because our pal David Segal, of David's Tea fame, hasn't had a proper celebration of his newly found engaged status. So the usual suggestions were knocked around, Jack Astor's, Loose Moose, and then someone, although whom it was will never be determined, suggested Crocodile Rock. It had a similar effect to asking a group of guys if they want to watch Dr. Phil, sure we all want to see that moustachiod pompous fuck send some snotnosed punk to boot camp, but no one's going to admit it. Ok i lied, we all said fuck yeah let's do it. Crocodile Rock as we all know has a legendary status as a cougar bar. So we arrived, paid the 5 dollar cover even though it was empty, and were delighted to discover wednesdays pay host to 3 dollar drinks. We sauntered in, shacked up in a great central location, between the bar, the dance floor, and the tables, and grabbed some drinks. Although the place was pretty barren, it was still only like 10:15 and i think none of us figured we'd be there for long.

But steadily, as our drink levels got lower, and our blood alcohol got higher, the place started to fill up. I was quite excited when a pack of high schoolers showed up (high school might be generous, probably more like last year at E.J. James), and a steady influx of cougars wandered in from the mountains or wherever the fuck it is that cougars call home. Before you could even utter the words, "i want to have sex with an old woman!" the place was humpin' and bumpin'! And this is why i now love Wednesday nights at Crocodile Rock. Cougars of all ages, races, shapes and sizes. Girls you feel ashamed to even look at let alone talk to since we're probably old enough to be their fathers. A nice mix of girls in between so you don't feel too out of place. And without a doubt, some of the true champions of mankind. Just absolute bangers everywhere. Moustaches coming out of the woodworks. Creepers. Skeezers. Dancers. Prancers. You name it, they were there last night. The dance floor absolutely went off with all your latest top 40 tunes. Yet it wasn't too loud so that you could have a conversation.

Now we all know that nobody picks up a women like Eric Grimes, i mean you just say that name in a crowded room and your bound to find at least one girl who's been subjected to my greasy advances. Ok well that's a lie, i couldn't hit the broadside of a cow's ass if i was sitting on it's tail with a shovel. But being at this place i actually truly felt like if i manned up for a change i wouldnt' have too much trouble. Plus i was with old Mike "smooth as a silk sheet" Tonner who unfortunately ladies, is now a taken man, but could be the greatest wingman in the history of time. However I had no intention of trying anything at all. Why you ask? Because i was having way....way.....way......WAY WAY WAY WAY too much fun people watching. I was good and sauced at this point and i honestly could have been by myself at a table creeping the shit out of people, and had as good a time as i had. Not to say that my company wasn't riveting, cause truly those boys are hard to beat when it comes to good times.

But the storylines surrounding me were too juicy to ignore. Guy in the black button up shirt just staring at the girl next to him at the bar. He was probably at least 15 years her senior. But he had a stare that could knock you on your ass at a thousand paces. Then there were the high school girls on the dance floor bouncing around and laughing....while the guy in the black beret dancing by himself slowly moved in on them. Not to mention the ongoing saga of Dave Barbaree's ever growing love for the shooter girl. She did well off of us last night. If put in the same position do you really think you could have ignored these subplots? I seriously fuckin doubt it.

As the saying goes, all good things come to an end. A couple members of the crew slowly made their exit, Favre had a big day at work, Barbaree had a train to catch, Tonner had found a friend from his softball team to chat to. So despite the feeling of being at the most glorious ball, i couldn't ignore the warning bell in my head screaming "HANGOVER!" So we left, and i'm ashamed to admit i did not follow a couple of my campatriots to the rippers. I went home. I stumbled to bed, with visions of nice bums, lodged firmly in my head.

Woke up this morning, was surprised to feel not too shabby. But you must always beware the creeper hangover. It got me good around 11:30 a.m. So will i be going back to Crocodile Rock next Wednesday? No....probably not. But i'll always remember this magical night, and maybe a little piece of me doesn't want to go back, sometimes it's best to heed good advice. And as my boss at the bar i worked at in Australia said to me on my last day, "Eric....i have one piece of advice of for you.....don't come back....cause it won't be the same...."