The Return of Erique Grimez: El Toro Loco

Yeah i know, i've been half assing the blog all week, not that anyone's reading it but the story isn't done, plus i've put up one lame ass post about us potentially being killed on vacation. Brutal i know. But oh yeah, i really don't give a fuck, cause the work week's finishing up, so all i gotta do is pack and maybe buy a pair of 5 dollar sunglasses and some SPF 4000 sunscreen so i don't char in the sun, and then it's on.

Erique "El Toro Loco" Grimez, and Micante "Jalapeno" Denbasquez, as well as their 6 other equally homoerotic pals will be leaving tomorrow at 8:25 a.m. and flying to El Salvador aboard an airline that no one has really heard of before and i'm still questioning whether it actually exists. Put it this way, when we booked the flights, you had the option of sitting in smoking or non-smoking.....hasn't smoking been illegal on airplanes since the internet was invented? I digress. Then we hop on another plane and it's a quick jump over to Managua, the capital of Nicaragua. From there.....well your guess is as good as mine, we got a couple trucks waiting for us, maybe we'll find them. Maybe we'll make it to the house. Maybe we'll surf. Either way it's going to rule. Unlike this blog post which sucks, but i've checked out so i really don't care. For the next week, if you talk to me, call me by my real name....my latin name....Erique Grimez.....El Toro Loco.

Peace out.

Nicaraguan Nightmare?

Taken from The Government of Canada's Travel Advisory Page:

Canadian visitors should exercise a high degree of caution due to a gradual increase in the use of armed violence.

Municipal elections took place across the country on November 9, 2008. As a result of contested results, some violent demonstrations have taken place in various municipalities in Nicaragua, and more are possible in the coming days. Deaths have been reported in Managua as a result of demonstrations. Canadians are advised to avoid all crowds and demonstrations and to stay away from areas where they could occur, as they might turn violent without warning.

Hmmmm......interesting indeed. Before I organized and eventually booked this trip, i did a small amount of research on the safety and stability in the country of Nicaragua. Repeatedly the same quote came up over and over. "If you google "safest country in Central America" you will soon learn that Nicaragua boasts the lowest crime rate of any Central American country!" I did google....and i did get the results that the quote boasts of. I suppose that was pre election however. The Travel Advisory goes on to warn of driving at night due to the possibility of robbery, and also recommends travelling in a convoy of at least two vehicles. So that is a positive sign seeing as how our two travel days will both be during daylight hours, and we are 8 strapping young men in 2 badass pickup trucks.

Either way with approximately 69 hours until take off (69!), i'd say there is really not much we can do about it now besides cancelling the whole trip, which is obviously not an option, my soul is feeling depleted, and needs to be fed. Am i worried? To be honest not really. Because it seems like there is always some sort of travel advisory for any given country. I mean when the boys and I did our little trip through Mexico a few years back, there were warnings up the ying yang. And what sort of menaces did we encounter? Well besides some stolen articles of clothing one night, a few pointing and laughing at the pasty gringo moments, and a couple sketchy sicknesses....not a damn thing!

We are going to be staying in a gated community with security guards, which is located right next to a small peaceful fishing village on the beach. We are all nice, peaceful, friendly Canadian boys with an urge to do one thing and one thing only. Gnar with old Big Blue in the freshy and hopefully catch a glimpse of the green room even if it's for one fleeting second. Truly if there is such a thing as karma, then we're going to be just fine. Although if anything bad happens, i think i speak for everyone when i say....let's hope it happens to Mumford.

I think it's in our nature to be afraid of the unknown, however i know that myself aswell as all the boys have had our fair share of sketchy moments within our short time thus far on the planet. More often than not, the result is a positive experience and reinstills a faith in mankind. I've hitchhiked up the Australian coast with several different characters, including one with a gun in his trunk who warned us of the dangers of hitchhiking especially if it looks like you're driving down an ominous road....while we were driving down one at the time. He took us all the way into town and even gave us beers along the way. I've spent 8 hours on a fishing boat with 2 Thai's, a father and son, who spoke about 10 words of English between them. They took pictures of me with the fish i caught. I've camped on a beach in Mexico along the Pacific ocean with my friends in an unknown town behind an unknown house. The owner of the house turned on his outside lights to help us see a little bit better after the sun went down.

So what i'm trying to say is that as much bad shit as there is in this world, people can be overwhelmingly good and usually are. This is why i refuse to allow myself to freak out over a travel advisory, because i know that we will be just fine. For those who haven't seen the house we rented and want to take a gander, here is the website, i think it will make you see why those 69 hours (69!) couldn't go by fast enough.

http://www.beachsideparadise.com/

What Would You Do? Part III

I’d say it all started when I was 15. Or maybe not, but at least that’s when I took notice of it. Who really knows though, cause when you’re a teenager you’re pretty much wrapped up in your own existence and sometimes fail to notice the goings on around you. Hell maybe if I’d stayed prepubescent my whole life everything would be fine and dandy. It could be that I release a pheromone that attracts death to human beings, I really don’t have a fuckin’ clue, excuse my language. I didn’t know at the time what it meant, but that was the first incident I can remember. Anyways a few of my friends and I had taken the bus to the mall to hang out after school. I got off, and started heading in the direction of the mall daydreaming about naked girls and sports heroics, when I was snapped to attention by the unmistakeable screech and crunch of metal on metal.

Whipping my head around I took in the gruesome scene. Although I didn’t see it, it appeared that the bus had somehow veered into oncoming traffic for whatever reason. Witness accounts later chalked it up to a seizure by the bus driver, who for the record was not a noted epileptic. No one riding the bus that day was injured, although I’m sure there were several post traumatic stress disorders and a few Valium prescriptions handed out. The bus had collided with an oncoming car containing two passengers. Both had been wearing their seatbelts, and it was tough to see their condition from my vantage point due to the distance I had been from the crash, as well as the smashed up windshield. However from the degree that the front end of their car (type unknown, I’ve never really been one for details) had crumpled inwards it would be a stretch to imagine either would survive. I would learn the next day that neither had.

Ok so what….so I saw a car accident….big deal. I’m sure most people within their life spans will witness an accident, perhaps not something fatal, but an accident nonetheless. Well as I mentioned earlier, when you see more accidents than you can remember, then it starts to become an issue. I’ve seen an accomplished surfer struggle in what was supposed to be a weak rip tide, and drown. I’ve seen two people simultaneously hit by cars because traffic lights in all directions were green, while the pedestrian walk signs were also lit up. Still not convinced? Maybe I could tell you about the party where the banister collapsed sending three people falling to the floor below. Although that one was a blessing since one managed to survive. Ever seen the damage a boat propeller can do? I’ll spare you the details.

Awesome

Norm's last appearance on Late Night with Conan O'Brien.

And then Part 2:

From The Headlines

Baby-Faced Man Has Baby

Courtesy of the Associated Press

Eric Grimes, pictured, welcomed his son Bertrund into the world yesterday, but not before a long argument with hospital administrators who didn't believe Grimes, 31, was actually the father.

"We thought he was the baby's brother, maybe, but certainly not the father. I mean, he looks 13." Sandy Donaldson, Chief of Staff and Toronto Mercy Hospital explained. "I don't think his voice has even broken. I don't know much about men, but I know he isn't one."

The doctors in obstetrics were also unconvinced that Grimes, a structural engineer, could possibly be the father of the 9 lb. newborn. "I treat kids every day, so I think I have a pretty good grasp on how old a kid looks and how old a kid is. In my professional opinion, Eric can't be over 14. Maybe 15, but even that's a stretch." Dr. Halladay said, visibly curious as to how Grimes was actually more than twice the age he looked. "Moreover, I just can't imagine him consummating his relationship with this woman. Like, is that even legal?"

But the day wasn't bogged down with confusion and mistaken ages for everyone. Mel Grimes, Eric's father was ecstatic. "I'm just happy he knocked up a girl" Grimes Sr. was overheard saying, shaking his head in amazement.

As for the mystery of how Eric stays looking so young, everyone has their own theories. "Maybe the fountain of youth?" suggests Colin Pearson, Grimes' assignment as Best Buddies.

"Wait, you mean he's not 14? I just assumed he came to the office on a Bring-Your-Kid-To-Work day and never left" Explained Hugh Clinton, a colleague of Grimes.

Whatever the answer, Eric seems jovial now. When reached for comment, Grimes, a giant grin on his face declared, "I happy!" before returning to his game of NHL '09.

What Would You Do? : Part II

Well if I had you interested up until now, maybe I lost you at that last paragraph denouement. Bear with me ok. Look I’m not one of those people who talks about having seen a ghost. “The drawer was closed when I went to bed and then I woke up and it was open!” Nope, that’s not me. I had my kids baptized but I’m not a religious fanatic either. I have never seen a U.F.O., and as of the telling of this story, I have never witnessed a miracle. So don’t lump me in with that motley crew. I’m just telling you what I know. What I know to be the truth. The evidence is their and speaks for itself. 5 or 10 could be considered a coincidence. 10 or 20 could be chalked up to having miserable luck. Upwards of 200….something ain’t right.

I’m pretty sure I could write a 12 step program for what I’ve got. Although that wouldn’t make much sense, because as far as I know there is no cure. Plus I’m pretty sure I’m the only one in the world who’s got it. So I wouldn’t make much money. Maybe I could charge a million dollars for it, and then write it off as a mental health expense! Sell one copy to myself and then I’d be sitting pretty! Ok there’s that tangential theme I warned you about, this isn’t really a laughing matter I suppose so I’ll try and stay the course. I had a myriad of stages, ignorance, denial, depression, a brief stint with alcoholism, both prescription and non-prescription drugs, a brief separation in my marriage, and finally….acceptance.

2 Bus crashes, 1 Train derailment, 7 fires, 4 boating accidents, 5 explosions, 1 Hot Air Balloon incident, and more car crashes than I could possibly keep track of. No plane crashes as of yet, thank god for that. That’s the short summary, of course there’s a hell of a lot more ways to wind up dead than what I just described, but never the less, that’s the abbreviated list.

I suppose now maybe you’re wondering how I possibly could have survived all those incidents? Wouldn’t that many harrowing experiences sour me on le joie de vivre? Well I wasn’t in any of them. Like I said, my life has been good, and it’s been good for those around me as well. Family, friends, loved ones. Well they all seem to be immune to the effects of my presence. No it’s the randoms that receive the brunt of my wrath. Perhaps this vague route I’m taking in telling my story is not the way to go. But have you ever tried to explain to someone an idea you’ve had, or a story that just sounded right in your head, but comes out sounding gargled and distracted from your mouth? Perhaps an example is what you need?

Survival Month

I was walking down the street with Eric Quincy Grimes yesterday after a scrumptious BK Whopper meal (followed by Toby's Wings for dinner. I think I may have caught diabetes...) and he pulled a little switcheroo as we came to the street corner. I was confused, and sensing as much, Eric explained, this way, you're between me and oncoming traffic, so if a car swerves onto the crosswalk it will tag you instead of me.

Good thinking Grimes!!  And it got my mind working as to how I would escape potentially fatal situations such as that one (a car veering towards me), so without further adieu, Part 1 of my survival list for potentially fatal situations that the average fellow might find himself in.

1) Avoiding an oncoming car while on foot

If you've been suckered by the ol' switcheroo (the oldest trick in the book) and find yourself walking on the traffic side of a crosswalk and a car swerves towards you, jump. Some people may say that if you have time to jump, you probably have time to get out of the way. Shut up. That's stupid. If there is a car heading straight for you, jump as high as you can and lift your knees to your chest. If the car does strike you, at worst it will hit your ankles, and without your body weight to anchor them to the ground, you'll just spin like a pin-wheel before slamming onto the cold, cold concrete. And sure that'll hurt. But you'll probably just have broken ankles (6-8 weeks of healing) instead of a severed spinal chord. Also, if the car doesn't hit you and you clear it, that would be fucking AWESOME!!!

2) Avoiding an oncoming car or truck while in a car

Remember this? Man, who doesn't!?? That's Kirsten's car getting slammed by a garbage truck in Episode 22 of The OC, "The Showdown," just seconds after she realizes she's becoming an alcoholic. 

This specific scene has been used many times in many different films - most notably in Adaptation and No Country For Old Men but also in those messed up "Holy Shi-" Volkswagon commercials. If this is happening to you, step on the gas!! You know the saying, "like a deer caught in the headlights"? You know what happens after the deer is caught in the headlights? It is literally caught and splattered all over the headlights. Don't be a deer. There is literally NO REASON IN THE WORLD that a family car needs enough pick-up to go from 0 to 60 in 3.4 seconds EXCEPT to avoid an oncoming garbage truck. Make use of this feature. Step on it.

3) Disarming terrorists if they attempt to seize the room you are in

A handy habit that you can easily implement in your day-to-day life is always count the number of people in a room. Remember that number. If there are less than 30, the statistically there are more than enough bullets in the average semi-automatic weapon to murder/death/kill every single person in the room. If this is the case, someone is going to need to man up. Terrorist "specialists" will say that when you are taken hostage, you should always cooperate and leave the negotiations to the professionals. Well that's convenient isn't it? Of course the guys who make their living negotiating are going to say you shouldn't do it - the last thing they need is more competition. Instead think of it this way, there are three kinds of people in this world: John McClanes [pictured], Harvey Ellis' [the coked up big business negotiator] and the pregnant woman. The pregnant woman lays low and hopes to survive. The Harvey Ellis believes he can charm their way out of any problem, usually only to discover he can't. John McClane's, however, are the ones that have movies made after them (based on the assumption that Die Hard is a true story). If someone storms into a room, you should always think to yourself, "now is my time to be John McClane."

And how do you do it? Throw a chair. Chairs are generally big enough to really put someone off balance if they're hit with hit, but light enough to be lifted and thrown hard. Always look for a chair in a room that you think, if push came to shove, you could throw hard at a person standing in a doorway. Always take the seat that gives you the most direct throw at the doorway without being in a line of fire. And always try to find someone larger (who looks a little slow) who will sit between you and the doorway. 

When an armed assailant enters the room, take stock, is he pointing his gun upwards? If so, throw your chair right away, and leap over your desk following it. The assailant will be preoccupied by the chair and momentarily caught off guard. Wrestle the gun from the person and shoot them. If they have already started shooting, their potential partners won't think anything of more gunfire. If he starts shooting straight forward and/or spraying bullets, get down and count the shots. When you hear about 30, they are likely out of bullets. NOW! Throw the chair! Bam, you're the hero, end of story.

Next Week: Escaping a collapsing crane, persevere through a tiger attack, surviving being poisoned.

What Would You Do? : Part I

Please read the posting below if you're confused about this posting.

What Would You Do?

Part I

I have yet to figure out the purpose of these words I’m currently writing (and maybe you’re reading). Not yet anyways. They could end up scrunched up in the garbage can, ashes in the fireplace, the first chapter of a memoir, or if I’m brave enough, a suicide note.

Now I know what you’re thinking. I’m pretty sure 99% of you probably jumped to the same conclusion. Hell after what I just wrote, it’s not much of a jump, more of a hop. But you would be wrong. I’m not unhappy. Quite the opposite actually.

Maybe I should introduce myself, I’m sorry if this seems a little scatterbrained, but I’m not much of a writer, I took a class once back in my early University years but it didn’t really take, I usually go off on tangents and find it hard to….ok wait sorry….here I go again…back to my introduction. My name is Ben Billings. I’m turning 44 on May 15th this year. I’m married to an amazing woman named Jennifer (yes Ben and Jen!) and our 18th anniversary is coming up in three weeks. We have two kids. Jason who’s 13, and Rachel who just turned 11. I work in the advertising industry and have a solid job that I’m not only quite good at, but fond of as well. I golf most weekends, play hockey in a beer league, and semi-regularly attend a book club most weeks if the novel in question captures my interest.

So that’s me in a nutshell I suppose. Doesn’t sound too awful does it? Well as I mentioned earlier, herein lies the problem. To this date, I am currently responsible for about 170 deaths. That’s a rough estimate with a margin of error of probably +/- 20. Sounds pretty flippant of me to throw numbers around like that when it comes to human lives doesn’t it? Well I’m not trying to seem insensitive, I just don’t know the exact number that’s all. Some may have been my fault, some may have just been a coincidence, and then of course I may have missed a few here and there. I mean I’ve taken my fair share of vacations with the family, and it’s not always easy to get a hold of a smalltown newspaper, although the internet has made it a little easier.

Sufficiently confused? I’d bet the farm that you are. No you’re not reading the confessions of a serial killer. No I’m not a pilot who somehow survived a horrific crash. If I had to be honest I’d say I don’t really have a bad bone in my body. Quite frankly what it comes down to, is that I’m a jinx.

Something New on the Chronicles of Gritz

Alright well we've never been much for conventional wisdom here at the Chronicles of Gritz. So i figured i might as well shake things up a bit and stop telling stupid stories from my past every damn day. So today i've decided to try a new type of posting. I'm currently writing another short story. Those who read the first one i wrote are probably thinking. "Oh god....not another one of those fucked up stories. I used the last one as toilet paper." Well i'm doing it anyways. I've written some of it already so i'm going to post an excerpt every working day that i can until it's done. Right now i don't think it's shaping up to be super long so i'd be amazed if it even lasted a week. Never the less i'm going to do it. The first posting will be above this. Hope you like it!

Awesome

Every Monday deserves something awesome, mostly because every Monday usually just screws you over instead. Like today, I went and had a delicious lunch with two upstanding young men: Eric Wendy Grimes and Colin Queerson Pearson. I saw them standing in line at the Taco Bell (note: those are awesome song lyrics - Make Your Exit, you can have them, but I want "special thanks to..." credit on the next album) so I sauntered on over, and unsure of what to get just said to the lady, "I'll have what he's having."

Well maybe Pearson's stomach has become bullet-proof from way too many extreme munchies over the years ("Pearson, do you really need to put Frank's Red Hot on pickles and ice cream?") but lordy day, has mine ever not. The #1 Meal went through me like a laser beam. #1 when I ordered it, #1 when it came out. I was screaming "AHHHHH!!" like Stallone running away from an exploding building. To quoth Grandma's Boy, "I have to pee." "Why don't you pee in the bushes?" "I have to pee out of my ass..." It was terrible. I did the penguin walk all the way from Blue Jays Way to my office holding me breath. 

But the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. So when I lost my dignity I was awarded this, the new redband trailer for Observe and Report, the blatant although clearly highly superior rip-off of beloved American icon Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Behold (warning, NSFW):