Ol' Oddjob Grimes

WHAT UP! So this is going to be a simple blog, all about yours truly. Special thanks and mad props go out to Stacey Bowman and her insanely well written TornLake blog cause despite the fact that she hasn't given me permission, i'm still going to rip off her idea for a blog by giving you a glimpse into my life up until now as someone's employee. Sorry Stacey, i hope this is alright, and i believe you when you say you didn't make out with Ghaeli, although i have no idea why you wouldn't cause he's a magnificent son of a bitch.

Timekeeper: When i was just a wee one i entered the work force as a timekeeper for minor hockey. I would sit there for 2 or 3 games at a time, usually shivering, with the little heater working overtime trying in vain to warm my feet. Pay was usually between 8 and 10 dollars a game and i did it for a few years. Special thanks to the lovely ladies manning the concession stand for the occasional free hot chocolate. I think they were hitting on me. One of them stole my virginity. Ok that didn't happen.

Oakville Beaver/Oakville Today Delivery Boy: Like many a young lad i had a paper route as a kid. Delivering for the most part the Oakville Beaver, and no it wasn't a porn mag, it was a legitimate unfortunately named local paper. For the most part it was an alright job, especially when it rained cause then my mom would drive me around with the sliding door on the van open and i'd hop out and run up to a couple houses. More than once i'd be standing there quite clueless and as she would slow down the sliding door would close and hit me in the head. I was not bright. Sundays sucked cause of all the inserts, but collection day was da bomb because of the old guy who always gave me a two buck tip.

M&G Steel Office Bitch: My dad started his own company called M&G Steel, my mom and uncle work there too. I worked there for a couple summers and my duties included doing whatever the fuck people told me too. Think it's awesome being the boss' son? Not really. Reverse favortism is a son of a bitch. Plus the salty old sea dogs working in the shop loved to give me a ribbing as often as they could. Especially since my bro was working in the shop with the real men, while momma's boy Eric couldn't cut it and was safe and comfortable in the office. What can i say, i have delicate hands.

Walmart Cashier: Myself and another young man were the first male cashiers hired at this Walmart on Trafalgar in Oakville. To be honest...i was kind of dominant. By the end of my tenure i was working whatever shifts i wanted and had the second highest scanning percentage of all the cashiers, including the full timers. Don't believe me? Look it up. The job was fairly shitty but had it's fair share of awesome stories. The guy who bought a sledgehammer and said to me, "ha....now the wife better have sex with me!" Nothing like a good marital abuse story. A coworker who was arrested during a sting operation, that one was pretty awesome. And by far my favorite moments had to be when someone from my far too rich high school, would be in line buying clothes or shoes and not notice me as their cashier til they got to the front. Their embarassment....priceless!

Town of Oakville Employee: I worked for the Parks Department for two wonderful summers. First for sports fields, and second for Garbage. Sports fields ruled, myself and two other scamps driving around in a truck all day taking it easy breezy beautiful cover girl, and occasionally making sure Oakville's baseball diamonds and soccer fields were in working order. Garbage however? Not quite as good. Nothing like strolling into a public bathroom (we also looked after them) and seeing a delightful pile of shit steaming on the floor. Seriously? Shitting on the floor? Really? There's toilets right there you know! Dickheads. Also there's nothing more exhilarating than giving a solid boot to a hot stinky garbage can full of bees and watching them fly up, then quickly rolling it halfway to your truck before you have to run to avoid getting stung. Good times. The one benefit was that people seem to always use parks garbage cans to throw out their old porn. SCORE!

Bartender: Sports Cafe in England, Bottle Shop in Cairns, The Albion in Perth, Turf Bar in Melbourne, and Mad Dog's in Clarkson. Bartending is a great job to have for the most part, i loved working in pretty much every one of these places, i also hated it quite often but truly there is no job that makes you closer to your coworkers, makes you hate your boss more, and gives you better stories than bartending. There's too many awesome moments to mention, but between over the bar makeouts, coworker regrettable hookups, bar brawls, drunk fucks, karaoke, and my own fuckups......well i've got a lot of solid memories to look back on.

Fruit Picking: Horrible, terrible, awful, don't do it, don't even fuckin think about it, "it can't be that bad can it?" Yes....yes it can, just trust me. I picked pears. Big old stupid fatty fatty fat fat pears. Up at 6 a.m., freezing cold in your miniature on site dorm room that's cold as fuck. Quick shower and breakfast and making your lunch. Sitting in a big old wooden bin behind a tractor as they drive you out to your row of trees with your ladder. Wearing a big pouch on your stomach. Climbing to the top of your dangerously wobbly ladder. Having 50 pounds of pears strapped to you. The day starts to heat up to 35 degrees Celsius. Sweating your ass off. Covered in stinky pesticides. Working all day in the burning heat repeatedly up and down a ladder dumping pears into a bin that never seems to get full. Finishing around 5 p.m., going back to the dorms, showering the stink off. Making a can of chili. Playing ping pong or watching TV for a couple hours. Go to bed. Room has baked in the sun all day and is way too hot. Open window. Mosquitoes fly in. Sleepless night sweating and swatting bugs. Wake up. Do it all over again.

Consulting Structural Engineer: Maybe fruit picking ain't so bad after all?