The Chronicles of Grimes Part IV Volume I

Ok so normally these are just emails i send to my friends after i take a vacation, but i figured why not throw it on the blog aswell. It's basically just a trip synopsis with as much boring shit as i could think of thrown out, and only the hilights thrown in. Enjoy....you probalby won't!

Will these things ever stop? I mean seriously enough already right? We get it, i like to take vacations and then write about them in a synopsis form, with 90% of the people receiving them sending them straight to their junk mail folder. I mean maybe i should just be posting them on the blog now so people at least have the choice? Nope....sorry....no dice, so without further ado, here's the first and only Volume of Part IV of my beloved Chronicles. This one takes place in beautiful Nicaragua and is entitled: Gringaragua.

So Saturday morning was especially delightful, seeing as how none of us are the brightest bulbs in the socket, we all found a way to avoid going to sleep til the early hours of the morning Friday night, for myself it was a 2:30 a.m. bedtime followed by a 5a.m. wake up. Hilight of that morning had to be pounding on Mike's door and repeatedly calling him until we eventually called Palmer to wake him up. Our flights went off without a hitch and we arrived at the Managuan airport on time and picked up our two white pickup trucks. Even though we had a perfectly good set of directions from the house owner, we made the educated decision to follow the truck rental guy's "map" that he drew on a piece of paper. So after we'd driven the wrong way for about 20 or 30 kilometres and backtracked, we decided that maybe it would be a good idea to follow the directions we were given by the guy who owns the house. Our rental house was next to a little fishing town called Gigante in a gated community and if you think that shit is easy to find then you're dead wrong. But after maneuvering dirt roads and picking familiar words of Spanish from directoins from local Nicas we somehow made it. And to our delight, so had Sackville, he had flown down a couple days early and was already chilling waiting on our arrival. The house was even better than we hoped, everyone had their own bed, i took the master bedroom which had a walk in closet and private bathroom (otherwise known as the bathroom where everyone decided to jerk off......sweet?) the infiniti pool was pretty sweet and just the right temp, the view was boner inducing, and the DVD selection was weird. (Rom com's or random movies you'd heard of but never even considered watching)

Now don't worry i'll get to the good stuff, that's just the introduction alright, so calm down. Intro's are always boring, you gotta set the scene and the mood. Now i'm not going to go into a day by day description of what went down, cause truthfully it wouldn't be possible, everything has kind of melted into itself and all that's left is a few broken memories and hilights so i'll do my best to pass those on.

So last year after Costa Rica we chose a trip MVP. Someone who just kind of owned it the whole time. Last year was Mumford....not too sure how that happened but it did. From the get go this year it was pretty obvious it was going to be one of two people. Andrew "Tandrew" Wade and Colin "Main Road Left" Pearson would battle for the crown each and every night. One of them would take what we would estimate to be an insurmountable lead, and then the other would come roaring right back. Both their successes were tied directly into 60 ounce bottles of Flor De Cana Rum. We purchased many of said bottles. Andrew was the driving force with the rum, and as he mentioned afterwards "i don't even like rum!" Champion indeed. He would actually chug it. Put that sweet goodness up to his lips and hold it there chugging for 4,5,6...even 7 big pulls at a time. Then pull the bottle back, shudder a bit, then inevitably utter the words, "Colin.....you're up." Colin rarely backed down. So basically we were surfing all day, and getting shitcranked every night for the first few days, then Colin decided to step it up.

One day in particular, maybe a few days in, Colin managed to get mangled beyond belief. To be honest we all were, but Colin was at a different level. Eventually he was lying in the hammock, barely capable of speaking, and all he was doing was laughing. And his laughing.....would make us laugh....which would make him laugh harder....which would make us laugh harder. Eventually we were in hysterics. So that's all well and good right? Bring on Julien Favre. Julien comes out all rip roaring wasted and there's Pearson a step away from a coma giggling it up in the hammock. Favre shittalks him a little, Pearson responds with something along the lines of, "hahahahah fukufavupusssy hhahhaahahha!" So Favre starts swinging Pearson in the hammock. Back and forth, higher and higher. Now i gotta say as much as i plead innocence in the following preceedings, you could see disaster coming....we all could....it was pretty obvoius what was going to happen....so again i'll be honest in saying that even though none of us were physically swinging old Queerson....none of us were about to stop it! So the swinging gets higher, and Pearson keeps shittalking Favre and laughing, in turn making the rest of us laugh, in turn egging on Julien. Julien then decided to throw a new element into the game, he swings Pearson real high up, then throws devastating bodychecks at him as he comes back down. On maybe the 6th or 7th bodycheck, Favre really nailed him up and lifted up, Pearson flew clean out of the hammock, soared through the air, landed on his head/back of his neck with his body slamming down onto the deck afterwards. Pearson's response.....laughter. Well that was it for me and everyone who witnessed. I died. I was on the ground, hands and knees, laughing harder than i could ever possibly remember. Tears pouring out of my eyes, trying to make the mental image go away so i could breathe again. Incredible. To make matters worse about 20 minutes later Pearson was being swung back and forth again, with his weight far too much on one side, the hammock flipped, and he landed face down with his arms trapped underneath his body. Once again we obviously lost it. Soon after Beerson passed out in the hammock naked and we all went to bed. The next morning we were delighted to see he had passed out on the couch buck naked with his legs spread and one hand covering his package while the pool boy was cleaning the pool right outside the giant windows by the couch.

So how could Andrew possibly top that performance? Well you be the judge. Our very last night there was a big party in Gigante which was the little surfing town next to our gated community. We headed down, drank some big bottles of delicious Tona beer, and then watched this little tradition they have in town. Which was that they take a live vulture, and string it up by the legs on a rope that stretches across a street, so the vulture is dangling down. Then a bunch of cabelleros (guys on horses) take turns riding underneath the rope, grabbing the vulture by the neck, and attempting to rip it's head off. The winner is the guy who rips the head off, and manages to hold on to it. No this is not a joke. It takes a long time and alot of tries to rip a vulture's head off by the way. Anyways i digress, back to Andrew. Well he got flat out smashed that night. There was a big dance party with a DJ and everything in the center of town, Andrew started dancing with a local Nica girl, made out with her a bit, then her mom came over, started dancing with them, then her mom stopped, made andrew hold the girl's hand and stand next to her, then stood there and said a bunch of words in Spanish. We're fairly certain Andrew now has a Nicaraguan wife. Despite being drunk as fuck I then witnessed Andrew shotgun a couple more beers back to back. Then he bought another giant Tona beer. Eventually it was time to leave, i found Andrew and started to lead him in the direction of our trucks, unfortunatley one of the giant pigs that lives in town decided to not be asleep, "OH MY GOD A PIG! AHAHAHAHAHA!" Andrew takes off running after the poor pig who squeals and starts running for it's life. The chase didnt' last long, pigs are fast. Then we had to find the rest of the guys. I lost Andrew again. Found him somewhat passed out in the doorway to an abandoned house. Took him to the trucks, then we spent the drive back to our place trying to keep him from jumping into the front seat and convincing him he wasn't alright to drive. He woke up the next morning and peed in the pool from the top balcony while a few of us were swimming in it.

So i would call it a draw in terms of trip MVP. Let's see what else....well now seems like a good time to throw out a couple random quotes that in my mind completley sum up the trip.

Stu: "I needed to take a shit so i had 4 smokes and a coffee."

Derek: "Did somebody pee on my hat?"

Believe it or not, and i'm sure most of you won't seeing as how you know us, but we actually managed to make some friends. Despite the fact that Gigante is a small fishing village, it has great surf in and around the area, and Nicaragua is slowly, quietly, starting to turn into a surfing hub as people continue to search for the perfect uncrowded wave. So gringos aka white people, are around, just not in full force yet. We met a few girls in town, namely, Chanel, Cassidy, and India. Chanel ran her own little restaurant as well as some real estate in the area, and Cassidy and India ran a surf camp. They were hot. So we hung out with them a bit and told them about the house, and they said we should have a party one night, so we said sure. Friday night....it's on. The plan was for them to show up around 3 or 4, they were going to bring pizza and beer, and we were going to have a bunch of beer, and a lot of rum and supplies to make Blended Dinks (yes i put Dinks on purpose). So we were all there at the house with an air of expectation at 3 drinking and chilling in the pool. Then 4. Oops now it's 5....they must just be running late. 6......7......someone run into town and see if they're there and buy more beer. They're not coming....this is a cruel gringo joke. Finally around 8 the floodgates open. They arrive, with many a person in tow. THE PARTY GOES OFF!! Colin becomes known as "naked guy" fairly early on. There's naked guys and girls in the pool. There's a pinata we bought of winnie the pooh being bashed to shreds and sodomized with a broom handle. Sackville jumps off the balcony into the pool supplexing (spelling?) the pinata in the process. I walk into my bedroom to a girl wearing only a bikini top saying "no bottoms NO BOTTOMS!" SORRRRAAAAAAYYYYY!! There's a bunch of girls in bikinis dancing and grinding with each other. Sackville tries to dance on a cooler of beer and slices his foot wide open and immediately has 5 wannabe doctors telling him different things he needs to do while i mop up the blood all over the floor. At one point a guy got thrown in the pool with his cellphone. He was so wasted, and so pissed off. So he pushed the guy who pushed him in, who fell on the patio and bounced into the stairs going into the pool. It was awesome. I'm sure many other things happened that night, but who the fuck can remember. All i know is the house was an absolute disaster the next morning, but it was well worth it. Oh and the next morning a random dude was lying on our couch, apparenlty he'd passed out in the forest next to our house then wandered in. He and Denby were on the two couches. The guy had no idea where his sandals, his shirt, his hat, or his cell phone were. We're also fairly certain he and Denby hooked up. So he became known as "the guy Denby fucked".

I think i've pretty much covered the basics now, so i'll throw in a couple random things. One night Colin ashed on the hammock and burned a huge hole in it. Stu invited our hot Nica maids to the party.....they didn't show. At one point during the party i saw Sackville throw a perfectly good knife into the forest for no apparent reason....we're defintely not getting our security deposit back. Stu was a professional long boarder for one day, exact quote, Me: "Man look at that sick longboarder!" Andrew: "uhh.....that's Stu!" We are not good surfers, but we must be entertaining to watch because of the sheer volume of massive bails we take. Me Andrew and Mumf simultaneously crashed on a massive wave at one point, my board went across Mummy's back, i struggled to get back to the surface, it was scary. We did not see any sharks, whales, or dolphins. We did see insanely large grasshoppers, spiders, praying mantis', and scorpions. A monkey on a leash got tangled in Pearson's shirt, then Denby's soon after. It was hilarious. My 3 months of spanish lessons did not pay off. Mumford is good at building bongs....but worries too much. The Habs won 4 games straight while i was gone. We met a guy who claimed that his wife was the VJ Annie from Musique Plus in Quebec and that he paid for her tits that cost him $10,000 bucks. He also said he owned 17 pitbulls, one of which was named Oden and had beaten both Michael Vick's best pitbull, as well as DMX's. He also claimed to be a professional fisherman that was sponsored. One of the girls we were friends with we were informed had the unforunate nickname, "50 Pound Pussy". No we didn't make it up. Once we claimed our baggage, Mumford had exactly 12 hours before he had to get on a plane to Calgary, to start his new job, which is 2 weeks on, two weeks off, fly in, fly out, of Fort McMurray. Starting yesterday he will be working 12 hour days, 14 days straight.

Nica's are the friendliest people you could ever meet. The locals love it when you wave to them from your truck because gringos with surfboards tailing out the backs of their trucks are still not a common sight just yet. They will always give you a big smile and a wave back. The local surfers are also insanely friendly, they will paddle over to talk to you and practice their English. It appears to be an extremely poor country, which in a sense it is, but the Nica's also are very happy friendly people, and they have alot of time to chill out and hang with each other. As you drive through little barrios you will see them sitting outside their houses chatting with friends or just relaxing. Their clothes are always bright and super clean, comparatively, we all looked like slobs! Their is livestock EVERYWHERE! It's hilarious cause you wonder how they keep track of who owns what. There will be a herd of cows walking on the beach with nobody in site watching them. Horses, pigs, chicken, cats, dogs all over the place just going where they please. It's amazing how quickly you get used to having to honk and nudge your truck through a herd of cattle.

So in closing....basically i had an amazing time. I needed to feed my soul and mission accomplished. Now work will steadily drain the life out of me until i can find a way to escape again, but for now i can live off the memories for at least a little while longer, and pray for the coming summer. Sorry if it's long, but after the Chronicles from England, Australia, and Euro Trip, you must be used to it by now. Hope all is well and good in everyone's life, i through up a pile of photos on Facebook, but for those who don't have me as a friend (good call), here's a few of the better ones.

eric

P.S. remember how long this list of P.S.'s used to get?
P.P.S. remember!?
P.P.P.S. Ok i got nothing, LATES!

The Return of Erique Grimez: El Toro Loco

Yeah i know, i've been half assing the blog all week, not that anyone's reading it but the story isn't done, plus i've put up one lame ass post about us potentially being killed on vacation. Brutal i know. But oh yeah, i really don't give a fuck, cause the work week's finishing up, so all i gotta do is pack and maybe buy a pair of 5 dollar sunglasses and some SPF 4000 sunscreen so i don't char in the sun, and then it's on.

Erique "El Toro Loco" Grimez, and Micante "Jalapeno" Denbasquez, as well as their 6 other equally homoerotic pals will be leaving tomorrow at 8:25 a.m. and flying to El Salvador aboard an airline that no one has really heard of before and i'm still questioning whether it actually exists. Put it this way, when we booked the flights, you had the option of sitting in smoking or non-smoking.....hasn't smoking been illegal on airplanes since the internet was invented? I digress. Then we hop on another plane and it's a quick jump over to Managua, the capital of Nicaragua. From there.....well your guess is as good as mine, we got a couple trucks waiting for us, maybe we'll find them. Maybe we'll make it to the house. Maybe we'll surf. Either way it's going to rule. Unlike this blog post which sucks, but i've checked out so i really don't care. For the next week, if you talk to me, call me by my real name....my latin name....Erique Grimez.....El Toro Loco.

Peace out.

Nicaraguan Nightmare?

Taken from The Government of Canada's Travel Advisory Page:

Canadian visitors should exercise a high degree of caution due to a gradual increase in the use of armed violence.

Municipal elections took place across the country on November 9, 2008. As a result of contested results, some violent demonstrations have taken place in various municipalities in Nicaragua, and more are possible in the coming days. Deaths have been reported in Managua as a result of demonstrations. Canadians are advised to avoid all crowds and demonstrations and to stay away from areas where they could occur, as they might turn violent without warning.

Hmmmm......interesting indeed. Before I organized and eventually booked this trip, i did a small amount of research on the safety and stability in the country of Nicaragua. Repeatedly the same quote came up over and over. "If you google "safest country in Central America" you will soon learn that Nicaragua boasts the lowest crime rate of any Central American country!" I did google....and i did get the results that the quote boasts of. I suppose that was pre election however. The Travel Advisory goes on to warn of driving at night due to the possibility of robbery, and also recommends travelling in a convoy of at least two vehicles. So that is a positive sign seeing as how our two travel days will both be during daylight hours, and we are 8 strapping young men in 2 badass pickup trucks.

Either way with approximately 69 hours until take off (69!), i'd say there is really not much we can do about it now besides cancelling the whole trip, which is obviously not an option, my soul is feeling depleted, and needs to be fed. Am i worried? To be honest not really. Because it seems like there is always some sort of travel advisory for any given country. I mean when the boys and I did our little trip through Mexico a few years back, there were warnings up the ying yang. And what sort of menaces did we encounter? Well besides some stolen articles of clothing one night, a few pointing and laughing at the pasty gringo moments, and a couple sketchy sicknesses....not a damn thing!

We are going to be staying in a gated community with security guards, which is located right next to a small peaceful fishing village on the beach. We are all nice, peaceful, friendly Canadian boys with an urge to do one thing and one thing only. Gnar with old Big Blue in the freshy and hopefully catch a glimpse of the green room even if it's for one fleeting second. Truly if there is such a thing as karma, then we're going to be just fine. Although if anything bad happens, i think i speak for everyone when i say....let's hope it happens to Mumford.

I think it's in our nature to be afraid of the unknown, however i know that myself aswell as all the boys have had our fair share of sketchy moments within our short time thus far on the planet. More often than not, the result is a positive experience and reinstills a faith in mankind. I've hitchhiked up the Australian coast with several different characters, including one with a gun in his trunk who warned us of the dangers of hitchhiking especially if it looks like you're driving down an ominous road....while we were driving down one at the time. He took us all the way into town and even gave us beers along the way. I've spent 8 hours on a fishing boat with 2 Thai's, a father and son, who spoke about 10 words of English between them. They took pictures of me with the fish i caught. I've camped on a beach in Mexico along the Pacific ocean with my friends in an unknown town behind an unknown house. The owner of the house turned on his outside lights to help us see a little bit better after the sun went down.

So what i'm trying to say is that as much bad shit as there is in this world, people can be overwhelmingly good and usually are. This is why i refuse to allow myself to freak out over a travel advisory, because i know that we will be just fine. For those who haven't seen the house we rented and want to take a gander, here is the website, i think it will make you see why those 69 hours (69!) couldn't go by fast enough.

http://www.beachsideparadise.com/

What Would You Do? Part III

I’d say it all started when I was 15. Or maybe not, but at least that’s when I took notice of it. Who really knows though, cause when you’re a teenager you’re pretty much wrapped up in your own existence and sometimes fail to notice the goings on around you. Hell maybe if I’d stayed prepubescent my whole life everything would be fine and dandy. It could be that I release a pheromone that attracts death to human beings, I really don’t have a fuckin’ clue, excuse my language. I didn’t know at the time what it meant, but that was the first incident I can remember. Anyways a few of my friends and I had taken the bus to the mall to hang out after school. I got off, and started heading in the direction of the mall daydreaming about naked girls and sports heroics, when I was snapped to attention by the unmistakeable screech and crunch of metal on metal.

Whipping my head around I took in the gruesome scene. Although I didn’t see it, it appeared that the bus had somehow veered into oncoming traffic for whatever reason. Witness accounts later chalked it up to a seizure by the bus driver, who for the record was not a noted epileptic. No one riding the bus that day was injured, although I’m sure there were several post traumatic stress disorders and a few Valium prescriptions handed out. The bus had collided with an oncoming car containing two passengers. Both had been wearing their seatbelts, and it was tough to see their condition from my vantage point due to the distance I had been from the crash, as well as the smashed up windshield. However from the degree that the front end of their car (type unknown, I’ve never really been one for details) had crumpled inwards it would be a stretch to imagine either would survive. I would learn the next day that neither had.

Ok so what….so I saw a car accident….big deal. I’m sure most people within their life spans will witness an accident, perhaps not something fatal, but an accident nonetheless. Well as I mentioned earlier, when you see more accidents than you can remember, then it starts to become an issue. I’ve seen an accomplished surfer struggle in what was supposed to be a weak rip tide, and drown. I’ve seen two people simultaneously hit by cars because traffic lights in all directions were green, while the pedestrian walk signs were also lit up. Still not convinced? Maybe I could tell you about the party where the banister collapsed sending three people falling to the floor below. Although that one was a blessing since one managed to survive. Ever seen the damage a boat propeller can do? I’ll spare you the details.

Awesome

Norm's last appearance on Late Night with Conan O'Brien.

And then Part 2:

From The Headlines

Baby-Faced Man Has Baby

Courtesy of the Associated Press

Eric Grimes, pictured, welcomed his son Bertrund into the world yesterday, but not before a long argument with hospital administrators who didn't believe Grimes, 31, was actually the father.

"We thought he was the baby's brother, maybe, but certainly not the father. I mean, he looks 13." Sandy Donaldson, Chief of Staff and Toronto Mercy Hospital explained. "I don't think his voice has even broken. I don't know much about men, but I know he isn't one."

The doctors in obstetrics were also unconvinced that Grimes, a structural engineer, could possibly be the father of the 9 lb. newborn. "I treat kids every day, so I think I have a pretty good grasp on how old a kid looks and how old a kid is. In my professional opinion, Eric can't be over 14. Maybe 15, but even that's a stretch." Dr. Halladay said, visibly curious as to how Grimes was actually more than twice the age he looked. "Moreover, I just can't imagine him consummating his relationship with this woman. Like, is that even legal?"

But the day wasn't bogged down with confusion and mistaken ages for everyone. Mel Grimes, Eric's father was ecstatic. "I'm just happy he knocked up a girl" Grimes Sr. was overheard saying, shaking his head in amazement.

As for the mystery of how Eric stays looking so young, everyone has their own theories. "Maybe the fountain of youth?" suggests Colin Pearson, Grimes' assignment as Best Buddies.

"Wait, you mean he's not 14? I just assumed he came to the office on a Bring-Your-Kid-To-Work day and never left" Explained Hugh Clinton, a colleague of Grimes.

Whatever the answer, Eric seems jovial now. When reached for comment, Grimes, a giant grin on his face declared, "I happy!" before returning to his game of NHL '09.

What Would You Do? : Part II

Well if I had you interested up until now, maybe I lost you at that last paragraph denouement. Bear with me ok. Look I’m not one of those people who talks about having seen a ghost. “The drawer was closed when I went to bed and then I woke up and it was open!” Nope, that’s not me. I had my kids baptized but I’m not a religious fanatic either. I have never seen a U.F.O., and as of the telling of this story, I have never witnessed a miracle. So don’t lump me in with that motley crew. I’m just telling you what I know. What I know to be the truth. The evidence is their and speaks for itself. 5 or 10 could be considered a coincidence. 10 or 20 could be chalked up to having miserable luck. Upwards of 200….something ain’t right.

I’m pretty sure I could write a 12 step program for what I’ve got. Although that wouldn’t make much sense, because as far as I know there is no cure. Plus I’m pretty sure I’m the only one in the world who’s got it. So I wouldn’t make much money. Maybe I could charge a million dollars for it, and then write it off as a mental health expense! Sell one copy to myself and then I’d be sitting pretty! Ok there’s that tangential theme I warned you about, this isn’t really a laughing matter I suppose so I’ll try and stay the course. I had a myriad of stages, ignorance, denial, depression, a brief stint with alcoholism, both prescription and non-prescription drugs, a brief separation in my marriage, and finally….acceptance.

2 Bus crashes, 1 Train derailment, 7 fires, 4 boating accidents, 5 explosions, 1 Hot Air Balloon incident, and more car crashes than I could possibly keep track of. No plane crashes as of yet, thank god for that. That’s the short summary, of course there’s a hell of a lot more ways to wind up dead than what I just described, but never the less, that’s the abbreviated list.

I suppose now maybe you’re wondering how I possibly could have survived all those incidents? Wouldn’t that many harrowing experiences sour me on le joie de vivre? Well I wasn’t in any of them. Like I said, my life has been good, and it’s been good for those around me as well. Family, friends, loved ones. Well they all seem to be immune to the effects of my presence. No it’s the randoms that receive the brunt of my wrath. Perhaps this vague route I’m taking in telling my story is not the way to go. But have you ever tried to explain to someone an idea you’ve had, or a story that just sounded right in your head, but comes out sounding gargled and distracted from your mouth? Perhaps an example is what you need?

Survival Month

I was walking down the street with Eric Quincy Grimes yesterday after a scrumptious BK Whopper meal (followed by Toby's Wings for dinner. I think I may have caught diabetes...) and he pulled a little switcheroo as we came to the street corner. I was confused, and sensing as much, Eric explained, this way, you're between me and oncoming traffic, so if a car swerves onto the crosswalk it will tag you instead of me.

Good thinking Grimes!!  And it got my mind working as to how I would escape potentially fatal situations such as that one (a car veering towards me), so without further adieu, Part 1 of my survival list for potentially fatal situations that the average fellow might find himself in.

1) Avoiding an oncoming car while on foot

If you've been suckered by the ol' switcheroo (the oldest trick in the book) and find yourself walking on the traffic side of a crosswalk and a car swerves towards you, jump. Some people may say that if you have time to jump, you probably have time to get out of the way. Shut up. That's stupid. If there is a car heading straight for you, jump as high as you can and lift your knees to your chest. If the car does strike you, at worst it will hit your ankles, and without your body weight to anchor them to the ground, you'll just spin like a pin-wheel before slamming onto the cold, cold concrete. And sure that'll hurt. But you'll probably just have broken ankles (6-8 weeks of healing) instead of a severed spinal chord. Also, if the car doesn't hit you and you clear it, that would be fucking AWESOME!!!

2) Avoiding an oncoming car or truck while in a car

Remember this? Man, who doesn't!?? That's Kirsten's car getting slammed by a garbage truck in Episode 22 of The OC, "The Showdown," just seconds after she realizes she's becoming an alcoholic. 

This specific scene has been used many times in many different films - most notably in Adaptation and No Country For Old Men but also in those messed up "Holy Shi-" Volkswagon commercials. If this is happening to you, step on the gas!! You know the saying, "like a deer caught in the headlights"? You know what happens after the deer is caught in the headlights? It is literally caught and splattered all over the headlights. Don't be a deer. There is literally NO REASON IN THE WORLD that a family car needs enough pick-up to go from 0 to 60 in 3.4 seconds EXCEPT to avoid an oncoming garbage truck. Make use of this feature. Step on it.

3) Disarming terrorists if they attempt to seize the room you are in

A handy habit that you can easily implement in your day-to-day life is always count the number of people in a room. Remember that number. If there are less than 30, the statistically there are more than enough bullets in the average semi-automatic weapon to murder/death/kill every single person in the room. If this is the case, someone is going to need to man up. Terrorist "specialists" will say that when you are taken hostage, you should always cooperate and leave the negotiations to the professionals. Well that's convenient isn't it? Of course the guys who make their living negotiating are going to say you shouldn't do it - the last thing they need is more competition. Instead think of it this way, there are three kinds of people in this world: John McClanes [pictured], Harvey Ellis' [the coked up big business negotiator] and the pregnant woman. The pregnant woman lays low and hopes to survive. The Harvey Ellis believes he can charm their way out of any problem, usually only to discover he can't. John McClane's, however, are the ones that have movies made after them (based on the assumption that Die Hard is a true story). If someone storms into a room, you should always think to yourself, "now is my time to be John McClane."

And how do you do it? Throw a chair. Chairs are generally big enough to really put someone off balance if they're hit with hit, but light enough to be lifted and thrown hard. Always look for a chair in a room that you think, if push came to shove, you could throw hard at a person standing in a doorway. Always take the seat that gives you the most direct throw at the doorway without being in a line of fire. And always try to find someone larger (who looks a little slow) who will sit between you and the doorway. 

When an armed assailant enters the room, take stock, is he pointing his gun upwards? If so, throw your chair right away, and leap over your desk following it. The assailant will be preoccupied by the chair and momentarily caught off guard. Wrestle the gun from the person and shoot them. If they have already started shooting, their potential partners won't think anything of more gunfire. If he starts shooting straight forward and/or spraying bullets, get down and count the shots. When you hear about 30, they are likely out of bullets. NOW! Throw the chair! Bam, you're the hero, end of story.

Next Week: Escaping a collapsing crane, persevere through a tiger attack, surviving being poisoned.

What Would You Do? : Part I

Please read the posting below if you're confused about this posting.

What Would You Do?

Part I

I have yet to figure out the purpose of these words I’m currently writing (and maybe you’re reading). Not yet anyways. They could end up scrunched up in the garbage can, ashes in the fireplace, the first chapter of a memoir, or if I’m brave enough, a suicide note.

Now I know what you’re thinking. I’m pretty sure 99% of you probably jumped to the same conclusion. Hell after what I just wrote, it’s not much of a jump, more of a hop. But you would be wrong. I’m not unhappy. Quite the opposite actually.

Maybe I should introduce myself, I’m sorry if this seems a little scatterbrained, but I’m not much of a writer, I took a class once back in my early University years but it didn’t really take, I usually go off on tangents and find it hard to….ok wait sorry….here I go again…back to my introduction. My name is Ben Billings. I’m turning 44 on May 15th this year. I’m married to an amazing woman named Jennifer (yes Ben and Jen!) and our 18th anniversary is coming up in three weeks. We have two kids. Jason who’s 13, and Rachel who just turned 11. I work in the advertising industry and have a solid job that I’m not only quite good at, but fond of as well. I golf most weekends, play hockey in a beer league, and semi-regularly attend a book club most weeks if the novel in question captures my interest.

So that’s me in a nutshell I suppose. Doesn’t sound too awful does it? Well as I mentioned earlier, herein lies the problem. To this date, I am currently responsible for about 170 deaths. That’s a rough estimate with a margin of error of probably +/- 20. Sounds pretty flippant of me to throw numbers around like that when it comes to human lives doesn’t it? Well I’m not trying to seem insensitive, I just don’t know the exact number that’s all. Some may have been my fault, some may have just been a coincidence, and then of course I may have missed a few here and there. I mean I’ve taken my fair share of vacations with the family, and it’s not always easy to get a hold of a smalltown newspaper, although the internet has made it a little easier.

Sufficiently confused? I’d bet the farm that you are. No you’re not reading the confessions of a serial killer. No I’m not a pilot who somehow survived a horrific crash. If I had to be honest I’d say I don’t really have a bad bone in my body. Quite frankly what it comes down to, is that I’m a jinx.

Something New on the Chronicles of Gritz

Alright well we've never been much for conventional wisdom here at the Chronicles of Gritz. So i figured i might as well shake things up a bit and stop telling stupid stories from my past every damn day. So today i've decided to try a new type of posting. I'm currently writing another short story. Those who read the first one i wrote are probably thinking. "Oh god....not another one of those fucked up stories. I used the last one as toilet paper." Well i'm doing it anyways. I've written some of it already so i'm going to post an excerpt every working day that i can until it's done. Right now i don't think it's shaping up to be super long so i'd be amazed if it even lasted a week. Never the less i'm going to do it. The first posting will be above this. Hope you like it!