NYC Midnight Contest 2010

Title: Woodchopper

Synopsis:"Waking up in the hospital with a mysterious wound, the woodchopper searches for answers and finds himself thrust into a gruesome scene of horror."


I woke up in the dark. In an unfamiliar room. My head throbbed and it felt like my brain was trying to burst through my skull. I lay in a bed with my upper body propped up. I scanned the room as my eyes adjusted to the dark. The only light came from a solitary window in the wall to my right. Moonlight filtered through the light material of the curtain, casting faint shadows across the room. My head continued to pound. I swivelled my head to the left and came face to face with a tower of machinery. Tubes and wires dangled like tentacles down to the floor, with no host to connect to.
"I must be at the hospital," I murmured softly to myself. Deer Mountain, a small clinic that served the few thousand spread out residents of the area. I started to panic. How the hell did I get here? What happened? I strained my memory trying to come up with any sort of answer, but drew a blank. The last thing I could remember was cooking a can of beef stew for dinner. I had finished eating and gone outside to split some logs for firewood. I closed my eyes and replayed the actions in my head. Adding more detail each time. I wore my down vest. Plain black toque. Hiking boots because a couple inches of snow had fallen. It didn’t help. There was nothing else.
I opened my eyes, and realized I was not alone in the room. Another bed, with its own bank of machines next to it, lay in the corner across the room. I could make out the form of a body lying beneath the sheets. The feet poking up at the end of the bed.
"Excuse me....are you awake?" No answer.
"Excuse me bud.....I don’t mean to disturb you but...." I was interrupted by a gurgling noise.
"Shit....are you alright man?" Again I heard the disturbing sound, as if he was attempting to talk with a mouthful of water.
"HELLO?! IS ANYONE THERE!? HELP!" I screamed into the silence. No response. I realized that the machines in the room weren’t beeping or lit up in any way. The power must have gone out. What the fuck is going on, I wondered. Don’t hospitals have back up generators or something for this sort of situation?
"Hold on, I’m coming! I’ll get you help."
I raised up from the bed and let out a scream. I quickly fell back against the pillow clutching at my left side, just above the waist. It felt like someone had taken a blowtorch to my skin. I pulled in deep breaths of air through gritted teeth. My eyes squeezed shut. Tears somehow managed to escape and rolled their way slowly down my cheeks.
I raised my hands to my face, blowing air through them, willing the pain to go away. They were covered in a warm, sticky liquid. Blood. I risked a look down. I wore a hospital gown and nothing else. It was covered in blood. I reached down and pulled the gown up from my knees, and with a great amount of caution, over my wound. Despite the darkness, I could see that the bandage and gauze had soaked through, looking more black than red. I stared at the ceiling, and gingerly, I pulled on the edges of surgical tape holding the bandage in place. I slowly pulled back the bandage, wincing each time the gauze refused to peel away without a fight.
I looked down at the wound. The ragged edges and dark interior were easily visible in the low light, with my pale skin providing the perfect backdrop. It no longer bled freely, which surprised me given the chunk of flesh that was missing. Faint strands poked up along the edges. Stitches which had pulled out or broken at some point. It was only about an inch and a half wide, but stretched at least a few inches along my side. I said a silent prayer for the extra ten pounds of beer weight I carried around my mid-section. Without it, the gouge might have hit something vital. Instead I now carried just one love handle instead of the normal two.
The choking noise invaded my conscious. I cursed myself silently. My grim fascination with my own problem had distracted me from the man I shared the room with. And he was dying. I screamed for help again. Nothing. It would have to be me. I quickly replaced my bandage. An unused chair lay to the right of my bed. I pulled it closer, placed my hands on its seat, and managed to lower one foot to the floor. The hole in my side seared with pain and I felt a trickle of blood roll across my belly. I managed to lower my other foot and rose to my feet.
"I’m coming man....hang in there," I managed to say weakly.
I limped across the floor closing the distance between us slowly. I kept most of my weight on my right side, and managed only minuscule steps with my left. It took me about a minute to cover the short distance between our beds. Faint bubbly breaths and occasional chokes told me he was still alive.
His head lay facing away from me. His throat torn wide open. The sheet and front of his gown spattered with dark stains. The pillow soaked through with blood. I stood and stared in horror. I had no idea how he could possibly still be alive. A gurgle broke the silence, coming from the hole rather than his mouth. A faint hissing noise followed.
"Fuckin’ hell....." I whispered.
The man’s head turned suddenly, his eyes shooting open. A spray of blood squirted from his throat catching the side of my face. He stared at me with terror in his eyes and started choking. Gobs of mucus mixed with blood sprayed, then oozed from his mouth. It came to an end as quickly as it started. His head fell back to the pillow and he lay still. No more noises. He was dead.
I felt sick to my stomach. I stared at the fresh corpse. I couldn’t help but imagine the suffering he had endured before the end. Goosebumps broke out along my arms. This man had been murdered in his bed. The power was off. And most disturbing, was the crippling silence that hung over the darkness. I wanted to return to my bed. I wanted to place the blankets over my head and sleep. I wanted to wake up hours later and discover it was a nightmare and nothing else.
Instead I limped slowly towards the door to the room. A long, thin, vertical window above the door handle, revealed nothing but darkness in the hallway. I opened the door. I had visited the hospital only once before, maybe a year ago. A splinter from my axe handle had lodged itself deep in my hand. I had been too stubborn to do anything about it, until it became infected. I tried to recall the layout of the hospital before stumbling into the dark. I knew it was a single storey building. A bank of glass doors at the entrance. A large lobby with a reception desk straight ahead. Two long hallways on either side of the large receiving area. They both traveled in straight lines to the rear of the building before turning towards each other and joining. All I had to do was pick a direction to walk and eventually I would end up in the lobby.
I stood in the dark hallway for a moment and took a good look in both directions. To the right was pitch black, but to my left it seemed like there was a faint glow of light at the end. I went left. I let the fingertips of my right hand graze along the wall as I limped along. After a minute of slow progress, I noticed the light had grown stronger. Then my left foot struck something on the floor. I braced my right hand against the wall for support, as a jolt of pain from my wound shot up and down my left side. I decided not to investigate the mysterious object. I had a feeling I knew what it was.
I continued inching along. Finally the front doors of the hospital became visible as I reached the end of the hallway. A few streetlights lit up the emergency drop off area outside the front doors. The light cast an eerie, fuzzy, glow inside the lobby. I dropped to my knees and unleashed the contents of my stomach all over the floor. The carnage was insane.
Mangled bodies lay strewn across the floor. Pools of dark, thickening, blood surrounded many. A man’s head, more detached than connected to his body. A young, brunette woman, missing half an arm and the lower half of her body, her innards spilled in a mess on the floor. I continued to dry heave. Each retch sending intense spasms of pain from my side, outwards to the rest of my body. Tears poured from my eyes. I struggled to hold on to my sanity. I felt dizzy and wondered if I was going into shock. I took deep calming breaths. If I passed out now I wasn’t entirely sure I’d wake up again. I kept my eyes closed, continued regular breathing, and tried to push away the mental images that kept swimming into my mind.
I needed to get help. If I was alive maybe there were others. I kept my eyes focused on the floor and managed to rise to my feet. I headed for the front desk. I pushed through the waist high wooden door that lead behind the reception desk. A woman wearing pale blue scrubs lay on her back, eyes still open, an expression of terror frozen on her face. Four identical deep gashes, spread evenly apart, ran from one shoulder to the opposite hip.
The length of the reception desk contained three work stations. The two on the ends, had two monitors, while the one in the middle had four. Two of which were large widescreens with an elaborate keyboard below. I realized they controlled the security cameras. All the screens were dark. Several phones lay along the length of the desk. I picked one up, and not surprisingly, there was no dial tone. I figured there had to be some sort of emergency back up power. A button or a switch somewhere. I searched the area but found nothing. My eyes came to rest once again on the fallen nurse. One arm lay outstretched. Reaching. I followed the direction of the arm and found a red button below the ledge against the back wall. The button was labeled, "Back-Up Generator: Use Only In Emergency." I pushed it quickly. A faint humming noise started then died away. I pushed the button again and held it. The noise started up again and this time grew louder. The lights above flickered on, off, then on for good. I released the button as the building came to life.
I turned back to the front desk. The computer monitors each read, "Emergency Start-up, please wait....." One of the security screens was blank, while the other flashed a request. "Restart Security System?" I pressed Enter on the strange keyboard. The security system started to reboot and I quickly grabbed for one of the phones. Dial tone. I dialed 9-1-1.
"9-1-1 what’s your emergency?"
"Hello! Yes....I’m at the hospital....you have to send someone....everyone’s dead!" I stammered my request, for some reason it felt strange to hear a human voice amidst all the death surrounding me.
"Ok calm down sir. You are calling from Deer Mountain Hospital I can see. Tell me what’s happened. I’m dispatching units now."
"I....I don’t know....I woke up here....and it’s just fucked.....everyone is dead and I don’t know what happened.....I don’t know if anyone is alive except me....."
"Sir please, you have to calm down. Tell me what you see. Are you in danger?"
"I don’t know....I don’t think so....I haven’t seen anyone else alive. I haven’t heard anyone either....and it was so quiet. I see.....I can’t look.....there’s a shitload of dead people ok! Send someone!" I screamed. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed the security cameras spring to life. There were eight cameras, each screen broken into 4 quadrants showing a live feed.
".....stay on the line and keep talking." I only caught the end of the operator’s sentence.
"What? Oh...yeah....ok. I’m looking at the security cameras. I don’t see any movement or anything.....but I think I can playback....like rewind or something.....I can find out what happened....."
"Sir that’s not a good idea. The police are on the way, evidence should be left intact. Just stay on the line and keep talking until they arrive."
"Just a sec...." I ignored the operator’s request and placed the receiver down. Urgent static spilled out the earpiece.
I focused on the security monitors. Each view was labeled with a small number in the corner. Camera two was the lobby. I found a playback button on the keyboard and pushed it. A menu appeared in the middle of one of the monitors. "Select Camera to Playback". I clicked on Camera 2. A frozen image filled the screen. The lobby exactly as it was now. Bodies everywhere. I searched for a rewind button but found nothing. I tried the roller ball and flicked it hard to the left. Too hard. The time counter in the bottom corner flicked back several hours. I stared at the frozen image of a doctor leaning on the counter talking to a couple nurses. A few people sat in chairs waiting their turn. I rolled the ball to the right, always watching.
I found what I was looking for. I pressed play and watched. A large, wolfish creature, hair sprouting in patches from its body. Grotesque features, huge claws, massive fangs. It set upon the victims in the lobby. I watched as it tore them to shreds without mercy. It turned towards the camera and I paused the playback. I stared at the beast. I stared at me. The familiar features. The heavy bloodstain on the left hip, not so obvious now with the blood of so many others competing. I looked down at myself. My gown was covered in blood. Too much blood.
My mind flashed back to chopping wood earlier. A flash of teeth. I swung my axe. A yelp of pain. Something bit me. I looked back to the monitor. I stared in disbelief at the snarling wolfman frozen in time. Urgent, unrecognizable words spilled continuously from the phone on the desk. The faint wail of sirens sounded in the distance.

Its the wost wonderful tiiiiime, of the year!!!!

What seems like many years ago, this time of year was the best!
Spring was here, Summer was coming, school was ending, and more importantly hockey playoffs were starting! Being a devoted Maple Leafs fan, it was also exciting because Toronto would have just added some overpaid free agent that we couldn't wait to see with them win the cup for us.. Brian Leetch, Doug Gilmour Rd 2, or Phil Housley just to name a few (Even just remember us adding Housley still makes me laugh.. He had the least amount of impact ever... ever..).. It was a great time to be 22 years old and at University..

Although Exams got in the way, your only job was to study for 4 or 5 exams, and the rest was spent watching hockey, talking hockey, chirping others about their picks in fantasy hockey playoff pools. Meanwhile, Girls were slowly shedding their outer-wear for more revealing items, and also deciding to walk, stroll, run or rollerblade in front of our porch at school! Oh, what a time to be alive! When the weather changes for the better, sometimes the simplest thing is cause to party.. "Hey, the suns out, Let's get f-ed!" When free of Life's responsibilites, its much easier to get away with this lifestyle.. I guess thats why unemployment does have some appeals..

Flash foward 5 years later, and so much has changed.. Maple Leafs are resigned to the role of spoiler (although playing better than most projections), we no longer add A-list free agents but add guys I've never heard of.. and I have a hard time getting pumped up for Hockey.. Gone are the days where I can count on cheering rabidly against my loser Ottawa friends during the Battle of Ontario, and the Leafs winning! Despite anything that happened during the regular season.. It was truly amazing.. But like most of the fans, we know our role, and are pretty much used to the disappointment by now.. Its amazing what a couple years out of the playoffs with do.

Don't get me wrong, the weather changing still is cause to party.. Until Global Warming alters the weather and it no longer gets warm ever, I'm still going to say things like, "Hey the suns out, Let's get F-ed" or "Whats wrong with you, I don't care its a tuesday, Lets get f-ed", so that side of things hasn't changed.. But the events surrounding the partying have changed. Blue Jays home openers have replaced the weeknight Leaf playoff games. But its a totally different dynamic, because there is no drama in Baseball until the fall.. Well, unless someone in your group is trying the 9 dogs and 9 beers in 9 innings and you're waiting with bated breath until the moment where they are literally full, and they puke over some poor family sitting nearby.

Plus the fact that we all work and are responsible for things these days, it does have a very different feel.. Its not a bad thing.. but its not the same..

So I can't help but feel a little worried for my Habs fan friends. At the start of the season hopes were very high.. Finishing 1st in the East last year, and a great playoff run, you couldn't help but feel this season might be their year.. And now, they're fighting for a playoff spot.. As "Dave" commented, Playoffs are not the same without the Habs... You're right, welcome to our world.. I find myself pulling for the Habs in way, because I did get behind them last year, and it was exciting.. Yeah, I could cheer for Vancouver, or the Flames, but i really don't know any fans.. Thank God Ottawa is worse than Toronto, which for sure is a victory in itself for Leaf Fans..
So my hopes of even slightly being excited for playoff hockey rests on the slumping Habs.. Goalie issues, coaching issues, booing crowds.. It could be a perfect recipe for an amazing playoff run, but it could just as easily spell for missing the whole big show..

The time of year is still great, but cheering for your favourite hockey team in the playoffs, when the weather is great, you're excited for summer, and everything else thats great (patios, cottages, tuesday nights at Big Bucks), there is no better time!! I'm convinced, it was easily some of the happiest moments of my life..

So for you Habs fans out there, I'll hope for the best.. And continue to bet against the Habs with Grimes

Tonner
First time Blogger, Long time Reader, Big time awesomer

Are We Done?

That seems to be the question on everyone's mind, and by everyone i mean no one. Well if i had to guess....i would say no, at least not me. Kitzy often gets extremely jazzed up on a pet project, and then owns it for a while, then finds something new to get pumped about. I admire it because it means he is an enthuisiastic young go getter who is passionate about many different things, but at the same time i feel like it's left me alone in the duties of maintaining this blog. I will attempt to keep it going though.

So what to write about then? Well it's certainly been a long while since we've posted, since Nicaragua which was a few weeks now, so let's just see what the world has been up to since then, shall we?

By the world i mean the small and pathetic world that exists in the miniscule bubble around my life, but there have been alot of recent changes. For example are you all aware that the magical household of Favre, Maxfield, Pearson, and Galloway has finally broken up? Sad but true. Julien and Anna have already taken residence in a new apartment up Bloor and Bathurst way and i've heard but not seen, that it's a nice little love nest. So what about Pearson then? Well he's already put first and last down on a fancy little condo with his own gal pal Boozan Davis around King and Spadina. So that just leaves Winnie The Stu. Well he lowballed his way into a condo in the Citiplace complex. I'm sure you're all enthralled and enraptured by these recent developments.

So what's new in my life then? Well it's been a pretty simple existence the past few weeks. My mood has fluctuated greatly, mostly because of the play of the Montreal Canadiens. They've shoved a dagger in my back and a few times a week they twist it back and forth. What was looking like a promising centennial season has slowly turned into a potential disaster. At the point of this writing my beloved Habitants (or the Hawt and Sweaty's as my old pal Peter Drinkwater calls them) sit only 2 points up on the Florida Panthers for the 8th and final spot in the Eastern Conference. With 9 games remaining, they have a pretty favorable schedule but at the same time they have been losing to teams they should be beating, especially ones that are out of the playoffs and relishing their new roles as spoilers. Rest assured if the worst happens (which i don't believe it will because i'm an optimist at heart, and my boys will make it) then you will see the light fade out of my eyes and i will become a listless creature who exists solely to complete daily tasks such as sleep, eat, breathe and possibly masturbate.

However there is one thing that has brought a lot of recent joy to my life. That being the play of my men's league hockey team. We started off the season as we often do, falling to the bottom of the standings. It's a 6 team league, and for the most part we were in 6th or 5th until roughly the halfway mark of the season. Then we started playing inspired hockey, and slowly started to win games against tougher opponents. To finish the season we won 5 straight, beating every single team in our league in succession, and moving up the standings into 3rd place. Last night was our first playoff game, basically a must win game against the 5th place team who we had owned for the majority of the season. Sure it's just beer league hockey, but for anyone who still plays, they will understand that these games get intense and feisty. It was a 0-0 hard fought affair into the second period, when we went on a powerplay. We controlled the puck off the faceoff and fed it back to the point, i planted myself close to the net in an attempt to screen the goalie, slapshot from the point, and i managed to get my stick on it and deflected it into the corner of the net. BOOYAKA SHA! We added another one in the third, to which they responded, and then with under a minute to play and their goalie pulled, one of our defenseman lifted a full length of the ice wrister over their D and into the net. 3-1 victory! If we win our next game we're into the finals. To give you an idea of the hatred between our team and the one we played last night, here are some quotes from my mouth from the game.

"Go Fuck yourself!"

"Suck my dick asshole!"

"You guys are a bunch of diving pussies anyways!"

"Enjoy your time in the penalty box you stupid fuck!"

These were usually in response to someone calling me out. No i'm not a complete asshole, but this was just the way the game was last night, those who play will understand.

Here are some other juicy little tidbits of information from the people surrounding me.

-Derek Mumford recently completed his first stint in Fort McMurray, he was forced to stay an extra couple of days which did not sit well. However it appears that despite Mike Denby's and my own predictions, the job is working out just fine and The Comfort is going to be able to stick it out for the long haul.

-Andrew Wade, who you may remember was a runner up for the MVP award in Nicaragua, dominated St. Patrick's day and made just about everyone's day. I showed up at 5, and learned that Andrew had been shotgunning beers by himself since 1 p.m.. And it showed. Slurring, stumbling, laughing, he was at his finest. Somehow everyone in the bar knew him, and it was packed. Evidence of this was when an older couple was buying me a couple pints, and the wife asked who the other pint was for. I responded, "my friend Andrew", and pointed him out. She said, "oh Andrew!? He's a little prick!"

-Julien Favre and Colin Pearson will slowly disappear over the following months. They are writing their third and final CFA test in early June, which means that their weekends and evenings will now be focused upon studying. They both suck.

-I recently talked to Dillon Casey in L.A., he fired his manager and agent, with good cause. He has found replacements and i'm told as a result his auditions have increased. I feel it's only a matter of time before people will be saying, "there's no way you actually know Dillon Casey, he's a huge star and you're a huge douchebag!"

-As the weather steadily progresses, you can feel the excitement in the air from all last summer's frequent park soccer players. Another month or so ladies and gents and the games will start up again.

-Make Your Exit, your favorite band and mine, recently destroyed all 3 shows they played over Canadian Music Week. They are currently all up at a member's cottage for the week, practicing, writing new songs, bonding (Boner Jam '09 for sure), boozing, and creating. We are all anxious for their next show. And they are anxious to tell us about it by sending out 8 billion facebook invites.

Well that's it for now. I'll try and keep on this blog as often as possible, and write something more exciting or stupid next time. I hope that the few of you who read this, will still come back to us despite our recent struggles.

-Eric William Grimes

The Chronicles of Grimes Part IV Volume I

Ok so normally these are just emails i send to my friends after i take a vacation, but i figured why not throw it on the blog aswell. It's basically just a trip synopsis with as much boring shit as i could think of thrown out, and only the hilights thrown in. Enjoy....you probalby won't!

Will these things ever stop? I mean seriously enough already right? We get it, i like to take vacations and then write about them in a synopsis form, with 90% of the people receiving them sending them straight to their junk mail folder. I mean maybe i should just be posting them on the blog now so people at least have the choice? Nope....sorry....no dice, so without further ado, here's the first and only Volume of Part IV of my beloved Chronicles. This one takes place in beautiful Nicaragua and is entitled: Gringaragua.

So Saturday morning was especially delightful, seeing as how none of us are the brightest bulbs in the socket, we all found a way to avoid going to sleep til the early hours of the morning Friday night, for myself it was a 2:30 a.m. bedtime followed by a 5a.m. wake up. Hilight of that morning had to be pounding on Mike's door and repeatedly calling him until we eventually called Palmer to wake him up. Our flights went off without a hitch and we arrived at the Managuan airport on time and picked up our two white pickup trucks. Even though we had a perfectly good set of directions from the house owner, we made the educated decision to follow the truck rental guy's "map" that he drew on a piece of paper. So after we'd driven the wrong way for about 20 or 30 kilometres and backtracked, we decided that maybe it would be a good idea to follow the directions we were given by the guy who owns the house. Our rental house was next to a little fishing town called Gigante in a gated community and if you think that shit is easy to find then you're dead wrong. But after maneuvering dirt roads and picking familiar words of Spanish from directoins from local Nicas we somehow made it. And to our delight, so had Sackville, he had flown down a couple days early and was already chilling waiting on our arrival. The house was even better than we hoped, everyone had their own bed, i took the master bedroom which had a walk in closet and private bathroom (otherwise known as the bathroom where everyone decided to jerk off......sweet?) the infiniti pool was pretty sweet and just the right temp, the view was boner inducing, and the DVD selection was weird. (Rom com's or random movies you'd heard of but never even considered watching)

Now don't worry i'll get to the good stuff, that's just the introduction alright, so calm down. Intro's are always boring, you gotta set the scene and the mood. Now i'm not going to go into a day by day description of what went down, cause truthfully it wouldn't be possible, everything has kind of melted into itself and all that's left is a few broken memories and hilights so i'll do my best to pass those on.

So last year after Costa Rica we chose a trip MVP. Someone who just kind of owned it the whole time. Last year was Mumford....not too sure how that happened but it did. From the get go this year it was pretty obvious it was going to be one of two people. Andrew "Tandrew" Wade and Colin "Main Road Left" Pearson would battle for the crown each and every night. One of them would take what we would estimate to be an insurmountable lead, and then the other would come roaring right back. Both their successes were tied directly into 60 ounce bottles of Flor De Cana Rum. We purchased many of said bottles. Andrew was the driving force with the rum, and as he mentioned afterwards "i don't even like rum!" Champion indeed. He would actually chug it. Put that sweet goodness up to his lips and hold it there chugging for 4,5,6...even 7 big pulls at a time. Then pull the bottle back, shudder a bit, then inevitably utter the words, "Colin.....you're up." Colin rarely backed down. So basically we were surfing all day, and getting shitcranked every night for the first few days, then Colin decided to step it up.

One day in particular, maybe a few days in, Colin managed to get mangled beyond belief. To be honest we all were, but Colin was at a different level. Eventually he was lying in the hammock, barely capable of speaking, and all he was doing was laughing. And his laughing.....would make us laugh....which would make him laugh harder....which would make us laugh harder. Eventually we were in hysterics. So that's all well and good right? Bring on Julien Favre. Julien comes out all rip roaring wasted and there's Pearson a step away from a coma giggling it up in the hammock. Favre shittalks him a little, Pearson responds with something along the lines of, "hahahahah fukufavupusssy hhahhaahahha!" So Favre starts swinging Pearson in the hammock. Back and forth, higher and higher. Now i gotta say as much as i plead innocence in the following preceedings, you could see disaster coming....we all could....it was pretty obvoius what was going to happen....so again i'll be honest in saying that even though none of us were physically swinging old Queerson....none of us were about to stop it! So the swinging gets higher, and Pearson keeps shittalking Favre and laughing, in turn making the rest of us laugh, in turn egging on Julien. Julien then decided to throw a new element into the game, he swings Pearson real high up, then throws devastating bodychecks at him as he comes back down. On maybe the 6th or 7th bodycheck, Favre really nailed him up and lifted up, Pearson flew clean out of the hammock, soared through the air, landed on his head/back of his neck with his body slamming down onto the deck afterwards. Pearson's response.....laughter. Well that was it for me and everyone who witnessed. I died. I was on the ground, hands and knees, laughing harder than i could ever possibly remember. Tears pouring out of my eyes, trying to make the mental image go away so i could breathe again. Incredible. To make matters worse about 20 minutes later Pearson was being swung back and forth again, with his weight far too much on one side, the hammock flipped, and he landed face down with his arms trapped underneath his body. Once again we obviously lost it. Soon after Beerson passed out in the hammock naked and we all went to bed. The next morning we were delighted to see he had passed out on the couch buck naked with his legs spread and one hand covering his package while the pool boy was cleaning the pool right outside the giant windows by the couch.

So how could Andrew possibly top that performance? Well you be the judge. Our very last night there was a big party in Gigante which was the little surfing town next to our gated community. We headed down, drank some big bottles of delicious Tona beer, and then watched this little tradition they have in town. Which was that they take a live vulture, and string it up by the legs on a rope that stretches across a street, so the vulture is dangling down. Then a bunch of cabelleros (guys on horses) take turns riding underneath the rope, grabbing the vulture by the neck, and attempting to rip it's head off. The winner is the guy who rips the head off, and manages to hold on to it. No this is not a joke. It takes a long time and alot of tries to rip a vulture's head off by the way. Anyways i digress, back to Andrew. Well he got flat out smashed that night. There was a big dance party with a DJ and everything in the center of town, Andrew started dancing with a local Nica girl, made out with her a bit, then her mom came over, started dancing with them, then her mom stopped, made andrew hold the girl's hand and stand next to her, then stood there and said a bunch of words in Spanish. We're fairly certain Andrew now has a Nicaraguan wife. Despite being drunk as fuck I then witnessed Andrew shotgun a couple more beers back to back. Then he bought another giant Tona beer. Eventually it was time to leave, i found Andrew and started to lead him in the direction of our trucks, unfortunatley one of the giant pigs that lives in town decided to not be asleep, "OH MY GOD A PIG! AHAHAHAHAHA!" Andrew takes off running after the poor pig who squeals and starts running for it's life. The chase didnt' last long, pigs are fast. Then we had to find the rest of the guys. I lost Andrew again. Found him somewhat passed out in the doorway to an abandoned house. Took him to the trucks, then we spent the drive back to our place trying to keep him from jumping into the front seat and convincing him he wasn't alright to drive. He woke up the next morning and peed in the pool from the top balcony while a few of us were swimming in it.

So i would call it a draw in terms of trip MVP. Let's see what else....well now seems like a good time to throw out a couple random quotes that in my mind completley sum up the trip.

Stu: "I needed to take a shit so i had 4 smokes and a coffee."

Derek: "Did somebody pee on my hat?"

Believe it or not, and i'm sure most of you won't seeing as how you know us, but we actually managed to make some friends. Despite the fact that Gigante is a small fishing village, it has great surf in and around the area, and Nicaragua is slowly, quietly, starting to turn into a surfing hub as people continue to search for the perfect uncrowded wave. So gringos aka white people, are around, just not in full force yet. We met a few girls in town, namely, Chanel, Cassidy, and India. Chanel ran her own little restaurant as well as some real estate in the area, and Cassidy and India ran a surf camp. They were hot. So we hung out with them a bit and told them about the house, and they said we should have a party one night, so we said sure. Friday night....it's on. The plan was for them to show up around 3 or 4, they were going to bring pizza and beer, and we were going to have a bunch of beer, and a lot of rum and supplies to make Blended Dinks (yes i put Dinks on purpose). So we were all there at the house with an air of expectation at 3 drinking and chilling in the pool. Then 4. Oops now it's 5....they must just be running late. 6......7......someone run into town and see if they're there and buy more beer. They're not coming....this is a cruel gringo joke. Finally around 8 the floodgates open. They arrive, with many a person in tow. THE PARTY GOES OFF!! Colin becomes known as "naked guy" fairly early on. There's naked guys and girls in the pool. There's a pinata we bought of winnie the pooh being bashed to shreds and sodomized with a broom handle. Sackville jumps off the balcony into the pool supplexing (spelling?) the pinata in the process. I walk into my bedroom to a girl wearing only a bikini top saying "no bottoms NO BOTTOMS!" SORRRRAAAAAAYYYYY!! There's a bunch of girls in bikinis dancing and grinding with each other. Sackville tries to dance on a cooler of beer and slices his foot wide open and immediately has 5 wannabe doctors telling him different things he needs to do while i mop up the blood all over the floor. At one point a guy got thrown in the pool with his cellphone. He was so wasted, and so pissed off. So he pushed the guy who pushed him in, who fell on the patio and bounced into the stairs going into the pool. It was awesome. I'm sure many other things happened that night, but who the fuck can remember. All i know is the house was an absolute disaster the next morning, but it was well worth it. Oh and the next morning a random dude was lying on our couch, apparenlty he'd passed out in the forest next to our house then wandered in. He and Denby were on the two couches. The guy had no idea where his sandals, his shirt, his hat, or his cell phone were. We're also fairly certain he and Denby hooked up. So he became known as "the guy Denby fucked".

I think i've pretty much covered the basics now, so i'll throw in a couple random things. One night Colin ashed on the hammock and burned a huge hole in it. Stu invited our hot Nica maids to the party.....they didn't show. At one point during the party i saw Sackville throw a perfectly good knife into the forest for no apparent reason....we're defintely not getting our security deposit back. Stu was a professional long boarder for one day, exact quote, Me: "Man look at that sick longboarder!" Andrew: "uhh.....that's Stu!" We are not good surfers, but we must be entertaining to watch because of the sheer volume of massive bails we take. Me Andrew and Mumf simultaneously crashed on a massive wave at one point, my board went across Mummy's back, i struggled to get back to the surface, it was scary. We did not see any sharks, whales, or dolphins. We did see insanely large grasshoppers, spiders, praying mantis', and scorpions. A monkey on a leash got tangled in Pearson's shirt, then Denby's soon after. It was hilarious. My 3 months of spanish lessons did not pay off. Mumford is good at building bongs....but worries too much. The Habs won 4 games straight while i was gone. We met a guy who claimed that his wife was the VJ Annie from Musique Plus in Quebec and that he paid for her tits that cost him $10,000 bucks. He also said he owned 17 pitbulls, one of which was named Oden and had beaten both Michael Vick's best pitbull, as well as DMX's. He also claimed to be a professional fisherman that was sponsored. One of the girls we were friends with we were informed had the unforunate nickname, "50 Pound Pussy". No we didn't make it up. Once we claimed our baggage, Mumford had exactly 12 hours before he had to get on a plane to Calgary, to start his new job, which is 2 weeks on, two weeks off, fly in, fly out, of Fort McMurray. Starting yesterday he will be working 12 hour days, 14 days straight.

Nica's are the friendliest people you could ever meet. The locals love it when you wave to them from your truck because gringos with surfboards tailing out the backs of their trucks are still not a common sight just yet. They will always give you a big smile and a wave back. The local surfers are also insanely friendly, they will paddle over to talk to you and practice their English. It appears to be an extremely poor country, which in a sense it is, but the Nica's also are very happy friendly people, and they have alot of time to chill out and hang with each other. As you drive through little barrios you will see them sitting outside their houses chatting with friends or just relaxing. Their clothes are always bright and super clean, comparatively, we all looked like slobs! Their is livestock EVERYWHERE! It's hilarious cause you wonder how they keep track of who owns what. There will be a herd of cows walking on the beach with nobody in site watching them. Horses, pigs, chicken, cats, dogs all over the place just going where they please. It's amazing how quickly you get used to having to honk and nudge your truck through a herd of cattle.

So in closing....basically i had an amazing time. I needed to feed my soul and mission accomplished. Now work will steadily drain the life out of me until i can find a way to escape again, but for now i can live off the memories for at least a little while longer, and pray for the coming summer. Sorry if it's long, but after the Chronicles from England, Australia, and Euro Trip, you must be used to it by now. Hope all is well and good in everyone's life, i through up a pile of photos on Facebook, but for those who don't have me as a friend (good call), here's a few of the better ones.

eric

P.S. remember how long this list of P.S.'s used to get?
P.P.S. remember!?
P.P.P.S. Ok i got nothing, LATES!

The Return of Erique Grimez: El Toro Loco

Yeah i know, i've been half assing the blog all week, not that anyone's reading it but the story isn't done, plus i've put up one lame ass post about us potentially being killed on vacation. Brutal i know. But oh yeah, i really don't give a fuck, cause the work week's finishing up, so all i gotta do is pack and maybe buy a pair of 5 dollar sunglasses and some SPF 4000 sunscreen so i don't char in the sun, and then it's on.

Erique "El Toro Loco" Grimez, and Micante "Jalapeno" Denbasquez, as well as their 6 other equally homoerotic pals will be leaving tomorrow at 8:25 a.m. and flying to El Salvador aboard an airline that no one has really heard of before and i'm still questioning whether it actually exists. Put it this way, when we booked the flights, you had the option of sitting in smoking or non-smoking.....hasn't smoking been illegal on airplanes since the internet was invented? I digress. Then we hop on another plane and it's a quick jump over to Managua, the capital of Nicaragua. From there.....well your guess is as good as mine, we got a couple trucks waiting for us, maybe we'll find them. Maybe we'll make it to the house. Maybe we'll surf. Either way it's going to rule. Unlike this blog post which sucks, but i've checked out so i really don't care. For the next week, if you talk to me, call me by my real name....my latin name....Erique Grimez.....El Toro Loco.

Peace out.

Nicaraguan Nightmare?

Taken from The Government of Canada's Travel Advisory Page:

Canadian visitors should exercise a high degree of caution due to a gradual increase in the use of armed violence.

Municipal elections took place across the country on November 9, 2008. As a result of contested results, some violent demonstrations have taken place in various municipalities in Nicaragua, and more are possible in the coming days. Deaths have been reported in Managua as a result of demonstrations. Canadians are advised to avoid all crowds and demonstrations and to stay away from areas where they could occur, as they might turn violent without warning.

Hmmmm......interesting indeed. Before I organized and eventually booked this trip, i did a small amount of research on the safety and stability in the country of Nicaragua. Repeatedly the same quote came up over and over. "If you google "safest country in Central America" you will soon learn that Nicaragua boasts the lowest crime rate of any Central American country!" I did google....and i did get the results that the quote boasts of. I suppose that was pre election however. The Travel Advisory goes on to warn of driving at night due to the possibility of robbery, and also recommends travelling in a convoy of at least two vehicles. So that is a positive sign seeing as how our two travel days will both be during daylight hours, and we are 8 strapping young men in 2 badass pickup trucks.

Either way with approximately 69 hours until take off (69!), i'd say there is really not much we can do about it now besides cancelling the whole trip, which is obviously not an option, my soul is feeling depleted, and needs to be fed. Am i worried? To be honest not really. Because it seems like there is always some sort of travel advisory for any given country. I mean when the boys and I did our little trip through Mexico a few years back, there were warnings up the ying yang. And what sort of menaces did we encounter? Well besides some stolen articles of clothing one night, a few pointing and laughing at the pasty gringo moments, and a couple sketchy sicknesses....not a damn thing!

We are going to be staying in a gated community with security guards, which is located right next to a small peaceful fishing village on the beach. We are all nice, peaceful, friendly Canadian boys with an urge to do one thing and one thing only. Gnar with old Big Blue in the freshy and hopefully catch a glimpse of the green room even if it's for one fleeting second. Truly if there is such a thing as karma, then we're going to be just fine. Although if anything bad happens, i think i speak for everyone when i say....let's hope it happens to Mumford.

I think it's in our nature to be afraid of the unknown, however i know that myself aswell as all the boys have had our fair share of sketchy moments within our short time thus far on the planet. More often than not, the result is a positive experience and reinstills a faith in mankind. I've hitchhiked up the Australian coast with several different characters, including one with a gun in his trunk who warned us of the dangers of hitchhiking especially if it looks like you're driving down an ominous road....while we were driving down one at the time. He took us all the way into town and even gave us beers along the way. I've spent 8 hours on a fishing boat with 2 Thai's, a father and son, who spoke about 10 words of English between them. They took pictures of me with the fish i caught. I've camped on a beach in Mexico along the Pacific ocean with my friends in an unknown town behind an unknown house. The owner of the house turned on his outside lights to help us see a little bit better after the sun went down.

So what i'm trying to say is that as much bad shit as there is in this world, people can be overwhelmingly good and usually are. This is why i refuse to allow myself to freak out over a travel advisory, because i know that we will be just fine. For those who haven't seen the house we rented and want to take a gander, here is the website, i think it will make you see why those 69 hours (69!) couldn't go by fast enough.

http://www.beachsideparadise.com/

What Would You Do? Part III

I’d say it all started when I was 15. Or maybe not, but at least that’s when I took notice of it. Who really knows though, cause when you’re a teenager you’re pretty much wrapped up in your own existence and sometimes fail to notice the goings on around you. Hell maybe if I’d stayed prepubescent my whole life everything would be fine and dandy. It could be that I release a pheromone that attracts death to human beings, I really don’t have a fuckin’ clue, excuse my language. I didn’t know at the time what it meant, but that was the first incident I can remember. Anyways a few of my friends and I had taken the bus to the mall to hang out after school. I got off, and started heading in the direction of the mall daydreaming about naked girls and sports heroics, when I was snapped to attention by the unmistakeable screech and crunch of metal on metal.

Whipping my head around I took in the gruesome scene. Although I didn’t see it, it appeared that the bus had somehow veered into oncoming traffic for whatever reason. Witness accounts later chalked it up to a seizure by the bus driver, who for the record was not a noted epileptic. No one riding the bus that day was injured, although I’m sure there were several post traumatic stress disorders and a few Valium prescriptions handed out. The bus had collided with an oncoming car containing two passengers. Both had been wearing their seatbelts, and it was tough to see their condition from my vantage point due to the distance I had been from the crash, as well as the smashed up windshield. However from the degree that the front end of their car (type unknown, I’ve never really been one for details) had crumpled inwards it would be a stretch to imagine either would survive. I would learn the next day that neither had.

Ok so what….so I saw a car accident….big deal. I’m sure most people within their life spans will witness an accident, perhaps not something fatal, but an accident nonetheless. Well as I mentioned earlier, when you see more accidents than you can remember, then it starts to become an issue. I’ve seen an accomplished surfer struggle in what was supposed to be a weak rip tide, and drown. I’ve seen two people simultaneously hit by cars because traffic lights in all directions were green, while the pedestrian walk signs were also lit up. Still not convinced? Maybe I could tell you about the party where the banister collapsed sending three people falling to the floor below. Although that one was a blessing since one managed to survive. Ever seen the damage a boat propeller can do? I’ll spare you the details.

Awesome

Norm's last appearance on Late Night with Conan O'Brien.

And then Part 2:

From The Headlines

Baby-Faced Man Has Baby

Courtesy of the Associated Press

Eric Grimes, pictured, welcomed his son Bertrund into the world yesterday, but not before a long argument with hospital administrators who didn't believe Grimes, 31, was actually the father.

"We thought he was the baby's brother, maybe, but certainly not the father. I mean, he looks 13." Sandy Donaldson, Chief of Staff and Toronto Mercy Hospital explained. "I don't think his voice has even broken. I don't know much about men, but I know he isn't one."

The doctors in obstetrics were also unconvinced that Grimes, a structural engineer, could possibly be the father of the 9 lb. newborn. "I treat kids every day, so I think I have a pretty good grasp on how old a kid looks and how old a kid is. In my professional opinion, Eric can't be over 14. Maybe 15, but even that's a stretch." Dr. Halladay said, visibly curious as to how Grimes was actually more than twice the age he looked. "Moreover, I just can't imagine him consummating his relationship with this woman. Like, is that even legal?"

But the day wasn't bogged down with confusion and mistaken ages for everyone. Mel Grimes, Eric's father was ecstatic. "I'm just happy he knocked up a girl" Grimes Sr. was overheard saying, shaking his head in amazement.

As for the mystery of how Eric stays looking so young, everyone has their own theories. "Maybe the fountain of youth?" suggests Colin Pearson, Grimes' assignment as Best Buddies.

"Wait, you mean he's not 14? I just assumed he came to the office on a Bring-Your-Kid-To-Work day and never left" Explained Hugh Clinton, a colleague of Grimes.

Whatever the answer, Eric seems jovial now. When reached for comment, Grimes, a giant grin on his face declared, "I happy!" before returning to his game of NHL '09.

What Would You Do? : Part II

Well if I had you interested up until now, maybe I lost you at that last paragraph denouement. Bear with me ok. Look I’m not one of those people who talks about having seen a ghost. “The drawer was closed when I went to bed and then I woke up and it was open!” Nope, that’s not me. I had my kids baptized but I’m not a religious fanatic either. I have never seen a U.F.O., and as of the telling of this story, I have never witnessed a miracle. So don’t lump me in with that motley crew. I’m just telling you what I know. What I know to be the truth. The evidence is their and speaks for itself. 5 or 10 could be considered a coincidence. 10 or 20 could be chalked up to having miserable luck. Upwards of 200….something ain’t right.

I’m pretty sure I could write a 12 step program for what I’ve got. Although that wouldn’t make much sense, because as far as I know there is no cure. Plus I’m pretty sure I’m the only one in the world who’s got it. So I wouldn’t make much money. Maybe I could charge a million dollars for it, and then write it off as a mental health expense! Sell one copy to myself and then I’d be sitting pretty! Ok there’s that tangential theme I warned you about, this isn’t really a laughing matter I suppose so I’ll try and stay the course. I had a myriad of stages, ignorance, denial, depression, a brief stint with alcoholism, both prescription and non-prescription drugs, a brief separation in my marriage, and finally….acceptance.

2 Bus crashes, 1 Train derailment, 7 fires, 4 boating accidents, 5 explosions, 1 Hot Air Balloon incident, and more car crashes than I could possibly keep track of. No plane crashes as of yet, thank god for that. That’s the short summary, of course there’s a hell of a lot more ways to wind up dead than what I just described, but never the less, that’s the abbreviated list.

I suppose now maybe you’re wondering how I possibly could have survived all those incidents? Wouldn’t that many harrowing experiences sour me on le joie de vivre? Well I wasn’t in any of them. Like I said, my life has been good, and it’s been good for those around me as well. Family, friends, loved ones. Well they all seem to be immune to the effects of my presence. No it’s the randoms that receive the brunt of my wrath. Perhaps this vague route I’m taking in telling my story is not the way to go. But have you ever tried to explain to someone an idea you’ve had, or a story that just sounded right in your head, but comes out sounding gargled and distracted from your mouth? Perhaps an example is what you need?